Examples of Funny and Bizarre Epitaphs
Quoted here are some of the funniest and most bizarre epitaphs I have come across. I am sure they will make you smile too, and I would love to hear of any others you may know of.
Name and Date Unknown
Here lies a lewd Fellow, who, while he drew Breath,
In the Midst of his Life was in Quest of his Death;
Which he quickly obtain'd for it cost him his Life,
For being in Bed with another Man's Wife.
William Simmonds (1673-1753)
Here lies my corpse who was the man
That lov'd a sop in dripping pan
But now believe me I am dead
Now here the pan stands at my head
Still for sop to the last I cry'd
But could not eat and so I died
My neighbours they perhaps may laugh
When they do read my epitaph.
Nicholas Toke (18th Century)
He married five wives
Whom he survived.
At the age of 93 he walked to London
to seek a sixth but died before he found her.
Name and Dates Unknown
Since thy third curing of the French infection,
Priapus hath in thee found no erection,
yet eat'st thou ringoes and potato roots
And caviar, but it little boots.
Besides the bed's head a bottle's lately found
Of liquor that a quart cost twenty pound:
For shame, if not more grace, yet shew more wit
Surcease now sin leaves thee to follow it.
Some smile, I sigh, to see thy madness such
That that which stands not, stands thee in so much.
John Gill (dates unknown)
Beneath this smooth stone by the bone of his bone
Sleeps Master John Gill;
By lies when alive this attorney did thrive,
And now that he's dead he lies still.
Mr Pricke (dates unknown)
Upon the fifth day of November
Christ's College lost a privy member;
Cupid and death did both their arrows nick,
Cupid shot short, but death did hit the prick;
Women lament and maidens make great moans,
Because the prick is laid beneath the stones.
Emily White (20th Century)
Here lies the body of Emily White,
She signalled left, and then turned right.
W.C. Fields (1880-1946)
Here lies W.C. Fields.
On the whole I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
Here lies Groucho Marx
and Lies and Lies and Lies
P.S. He never kissed an ugly girl.
Jonathan Grober (dates unknown)
Died dead sober.
Lord thy wonders never cease.
Martha Dias (1730-1800)
Here lies the body of Martha Dias,
Who was always uneasy and not over pious,
She liv'd to the age of threescore and ten,
And gave that to the worms she refus'd to the men.
Mike O'Day (dates unknown)
This is the grave of Mike O'Day
Who died maintaining his right of way.
His right was clear, his will was strong.
But he's just as dead as if he'd been wrong.
Delia (16th Century)
Here Delia's buried at fourscore;
When young, a lewd rapacious Whore,
Vain and expensive; but when old,
A pious, sordid, drunken Scold.
Name Unknown (18th Century)
Here lies my poor wife, much lamented,
She is happy and I am contented.
Lord Coningsby (18th Century)
Here lies Lord Coningsby - be civil,
The rest God knows - so does the Devil.
Sir John Strange (1696-1754)
Here lies an honest lawyer, -
That is Strange.
Wallace Ford (1897-1966) British Actor
At last I get top billing.
Dr Keene (18th Century)
Here lies Dr Keene, the good Bishop of Chester,
Who eat up a fat goose, but could not digest her.
Viscount Castlereagh (1769-1822)
Posterity will ne'er survey
A nobler grave than this:
Here lies the bones of Castlereagh:
Stop, traveller, and piss.
Frederick Louis, Prince of Wales (1707-51) Eldest Son of George II
Here lies Fred
Who was alive and is dead:
Had it been his father,
I had much rather;
Had it been his brother,
Still better than another;
Had it been his sister,
No-one would have missed her;
Had it been the whole generation,
So much better for the nation.
But since 'tis only Fred,
Who was alive and is dead,
There's no more to be said.
Dr Chard (19th Century)
Here lies the corpse of Doctor Chard,
Who fill'd half of this churchyard.
John Edwards (died 1904)
John Edwards who perished in a fire
None could hold a candle to him.
Unknown Vicar (18th Century)
He was literally a father to all the children of the parish.
Name Unknown (died 1701)
Here lie I and my three daughters,
All from drinking the Cheltenham waters.
While if we had kept to the Epsom salts,
We should not now be in these here vaults.
Name Unknown (19th Century)
Here lies my dear wife, a sad slattern and a shrew.
If I said I regretted her, I should lie too.
Elizabeth Charlotte (dates unknown)
Here lie the bones of Elizabeth Charlotte
Born a virgin, died a harlot.
She was aye a virgin at seventeen
A remarkable thing in Aberdeen.
John Macfarlane (dates unknown)
Erected to the memory of
Drowned in the Waters of Leith
By a few affectionate friends.
John Brown (18th Century) Dentist
Stranger! Approach this spot with gravity!
John Brown is filling his lasy cavity.
Jemima Jones (died 1803)
This is the last long resting place
Of Aunt Jemima Jones
Her soul ascended into space
Amidst our tears and groans
She was not pleasing to the eye
Nor had she any brain
And when she talked twas through her nose
Which gave her friends much pain
But still we feel that she was worth
The money that was spent
upon the coffin, hearse and stone
(The funeral plumes were lent).
I hope you enjoyed these as much as I did, and will made allowances for some of the strange punctuation that was used in the older epitaphs.
If you have any of your own examples please share them in the comments section below.
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