Goldilocks and the Three Bares

Papa Bare
Papa Bare | Source

Goldilocks and the Three Bares

No, I did not spell the word, bears, incorrectly. Read on and I will share the amazing true story of Goldilocks and her encounter with three members of the bear persuasion.

I realize you may be familiar with the oft-repeated fairy tale, but the childhood version you remember is not true. Not true at all. Trust me!

Once upon a time long ago and far away in a hidden kingdom surrounded by mountains there lived a beautiful young maiden. She had long, curly golden blonde tresses so everyone called her Blondie.

Nah, I’m just messin’ with ya. Everyone called her, Goldie.

'Mary Poppins' with Julie Andrews & Dick Van Dyke

Her father was a blacksmith and a skilled locksmith. So skilled that the king of the kingdom appointed him to a prestigious position as the Head Locksmith. Goldie was as intelligent as she was beautiful and in no time at all she, too, became skilled as a locksmith.

Her father trained her himself and soon she could pick or fix a lock before you could say the word, ‘Supercalifragilisticexpialidoclious.’

But that’s another story. Goldie became so expert at lock-picking and lock-fixing, that by the time she reached the age of eighteen, no one called her just ‘Goldie’ any more. All the local folks started calling her Goldie Locksmith. Ya see where I’m going with this?

Now the plot is going to thicken. As her father grew older and less able to travel, Goldie Locksmith became his chief assistant locksmith and began to travel on ‘locksmithing’ assignments throughout the kingdom.

Did you need a lock fixed or a lock picked? Goldie Locksmith was your man, I mean, woman.

One fateful day an order arrived in the kingdom from the Three Bares who lived in a cabin in a nudist colony deep in the forest. The lock to their front door had been broken apart and they needed an expert locksmith to repair it.

Goldie Locks – that was what folks called her now – accepted the assignment, checked out their address on her GPS (Goldie’s Private Search-engine), and saddled up her trusted steed, Black Beauty.

Oops! That’s another story, too.

Cabin of the Three Bares
Cabin of the Three Bares | Source

It was late in the afternoon when Goldie arrived at the cabin of the Three Bares. The front door stood ajar – the lock had been broken. She called out but no one was home. The job was simple and she was finished within the hour.

Goldie was tired from her long ride so she entered the cabin and noticed that the table was set for dinner for three with a small bowl, a medium-sized bowl and a large bowl. Goldie put the bill for her services next to the large bowl.

She walked into the bedroom and saw a small bed, a medium-sized bed and a large bed. She decided to lie down for a while and just rest on the small bed which was perfect for her. She fell asleep.

About an hour later she was awakened rudely by the noise of shouting and yelling. The Three Bares had returned and were far from welcoming. They saw Goldie as an intruder and you can imagine how menacing and hostile they looked and sounded.

Not to mention what a shocking sight they were in their naked splendor. Goldie was so frightened and unnerved she didn’t wait to explain nor collect her fee. She ran out of the cabin, jumped on Black Beauty, and galloped home as fast as possible.

That is the real, true story of Goldie Locksmith.

Summary:

Goldie’s real name was never Goldilocks. It was Goldie Locksmith.

The Three Bares were nudists.

They still owe Goldie Locksmith's father for the repair.

Favorite bear joke #1:

A grizzly bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender "can I have a gin . . . and tonic please?" The bartender says, "Why the big pause?" And the bear says, "Because I’m a bear!”

Favorite bear joke #2:

A Park Ranger is giving some hikers a warning about bears, “Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your backpacks and give the bears time to get out of your way.

“However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see any grizzly-bear droppings leave the area immediately.”

“So how do we know if they’re grizzly bear droppings?” asks one of the hikers.

"It’s easy," replies the ranger. "They’re full of small bells."

© Copyright BJ Rakow, Ph.D. 2015. All rights reserved. Author, "Much of What You Know about Job Search Just Ain't So."

More by this Author


Comments for Goldilocks and the Three Bares 38 comments

Kevin Goodwin 13 months ago

Very creative and a funny hub really liked the two jokes at the end, nice touch.


Perspycacious profile image

Perspycacious 13 months ago from Today's America and The World Beyond

I was reading along and barely able to wait for the end, but I had to get dressed to meet Gold Smith who once shot three bears in a single day. We celebrate that occasion each year on the anniversary of the day by each downing three beers. That leaves us looking like angry bears with foam at our mouths. "Bottoms up!" Now back to your story.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 13 months ago from Queensland Australia

Great story drbj, good to finally know the truth. Funny too..guess I voted right for the funniest hubber this year.

Here's one for you:

Jodah had

a little bear

It followed him

everywhere.

He always had

a bear behind.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 13 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Hey Jodah......my vote went to Doc too, for funniest hubber! I'd say we both vote well!


Ericdierker profile image

Ericdierker 13 months ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

Masterful. Bummer about not getting paid.


billybuc profile image

billybuc 13 months ago from Olympia, WA

You got my vote for a Hubbie...and this is the reason why. :)


KoffeeKlatch Gals profile image

KoffeeKlatch Gals 13 months ago from Sunny Florida

Love your story. I was grinning all the way through. You are the funniest. of Goldilocks and the three bares.


drbj profile image

drbj 13 months ago from south Florida Author

Hi, Kevin. Thanks for stopping by. Happy you found this creative and funny - two of my favorite comments. I like those two 'bear' jokes, too.


PAINTDRIPS profile image

PAINTDRIPS 13 months ago from Fresno CA

And you forgot one of my favorite bear jokes: Two friends were walking in the woods and took a path they hadn't seen before. A little ways down the path they noticed a hot steaming pile of the evidence of a Grizzly in the woods. Before the boys could make another move, a giant Grizzly bear rises up out of the bushes ahead and starts lumbering toward them. One friend sits down and starts putting on his running shoes. The other boy asks, "What are you doing? You don't have time for that. Besides you can't out-run a bear." The other boy says, "I know that. But I don't have to. All I have to do is out-run YOU!"


drbj profile image

drbj 13 months ago from south Florida Author

Thank you, Perspycacious, for sharing that clever anecdote regarding Gold Smith and yourself. Bottoms up, indeed?

I enjoy your profile name since perspicacious happens to be one of my favorite words. Honest!


drbj profile image

drbj 13 months ago from south Florida Author

I knew you would appreciating learning the true story, Jodah. Thanks for the funniest hubber vote, m'dear. I won Funniest Hubber in 2013 and Funniest Hub that year. Was off on other projects last year. So would be nice to be mentioned this year.

And I love your poem - it definitely adds a touch of er, ... class!


drbj profile image

drbj 13 months ago from south Florida Author

Without one single touch of humility, Paula, I would agree that both you and Jodah made the right decision. Goldilocks thanks you, too.


drbj profile image

drbj 13 months ago from south Florida Author

Hi, Eric. 'Masterful' is one of my favorite comments, too. Thank you.

Not getting paid by the Three Bares was a bummer. For a while, our heroine considered a life of crime as a safe cracker ... but that's another story. :)


nicomp profile image

nicomp 13 months ago from Ohio, USA

Un bear able.


drbj profile image

drbj 13 months ago from south Florida Author

Thank you, dear Billy, you are a gem. I voted for you, too. Guess which category (s).


drbj profile image

drbj 13 months ago from south Florida Author

Thank you, dear Billy, you are a gem. I voted for you, too. Guess which category (s).


drbj profile image

drbj 13 months ago from south Florida Author

Thank you, KoffeeKlatch Gals, for loving my story and grinning 'til the end. Goldilocks would thank you, too. The Three Bares ... not so much.


drbj profile image

drbj 13 months ago from south Florida Author

Hi, PAINTDRIPS. Thanks for taking the time to remind me of that great bear story. It will now rank as my favorite bear joke #3.


drbj profile image

drbj 13 months ago from south Florida Author

Ah, nicomp, you do have a way with words.


always exploring profile image

always exploring 13 months ago from Southern Illinois

So that's the true story? And the poop had little bells in it. lol. You continue to crack me up with your wit. I voted for you too. Who else can change Grimm's stories and make them better. Of course I'm thinking of Hansel and Gretel. Who knows the true story? Voted up and shared....


Victoria Lynn profile image

Victoria Lynn 13 months ago from Arkansas, USA

Hilarious story. I love it! And the two jokes at the end. I also like Jodah's poem for you. Ha! Voted funny, interesting, and awesome. Up, of course, too! :-)


drbj profile image

drbj 13 months ago from south Florida Author

Yup, this is the true story, Ruby. Delighted that I crack you up, metaphorically speaking of course. I did do an 'Interview with Hansel and Gretel' but I may do an update, too, just for you. Thanks for your vote, the Up, the sharing, and just being such a sweet person.


drbj profile image

drbj 13 months ago from south Florida Author

Hi, Victoria. Thanks for loving this 'hilarious' story and my two favorite bear jokes as well. Jodah's joke was cute wasn't it? Thanks for the Up and the winsome adjectives.


Misbejabbers 13 months ago

Ingenious and hilarious! Have you ever thought about doing standup, or at least writing it?


drbj profile image

drbj 13 months ago from south Florida Author

Hi, Misbejabbers. So happy you found this ingenious and hilarious, m'dear. To answer your question, yes, I have and yes, I did. Still do in a mild way when I deliver occasional 'don't worry, be happy' speeches.


AliciaC profile image

AliciaC 13 months ago from British Columbia, Canada

This is a very funny and creative hub, drbj! I loved reading it.


drbj profile image

drbj 13 months ago from south Florida Author

Thank you, Alicia, for the kind comments. I love that you loved reading this.


Larry Rankin profile image

Larry Rankin 13 months ago from Oklahoma

Quite whimsical. Great read!


drbj profile image

drbj 13 months ago from south Florida Author

Thank you, Larry. Love the 'whimsical and great read' comment. You do know the way to my heart. :)


Genna East profile image

Genna East 13 months ago from Massachusetts, USA

Now this is why I voted for you in the Annual Hubbie Awards. Thank you for my giggles, smiles and laughter, Drbj. HP wouldn't be the same without you! :-)


pstraubie48 profile image

pstraubie48 13 months ago from sunny Florida

O I do love love love reading your work....every time I come here I know I will find something to amuse (and/or cause me to ponder) and this one is no exception.

You have outdone yourself....hoping all is good with you

Many Angels are headed your way ps Voted up++++


drbj profile image

drbj 13 months ago from south Florida Author

Aww, Genna, thank you for the vote and the sublime comment. And you are more than welcome, m'dear, for the giggles, smiles and laughter. 'Tis my genuine pleasure!


drbj profile image

drbj 13 months ago from south Florida Author

Thank you, Patricia, for finding amusement and/or 'ponderment' on these hubs. Your comment is much appreciated as well as the Up pluses. Look out now, some Angels are heading your way, too.


Say Yes To Life profile image

Say Yes To Life 13 months ago from Big Island of Hawaii

So the Three Bares were nudists? Goldie Locksmith is lucky they didn't cook her in a hot spring!


drbj profile image

drbj 13 months ago from south Florida Author

Hi, Say Yes. What a difference a few letters in a word make. Yep, the Three Bares were nudists and Goldie is fortunate she escaped from their clutches. And also that no hot springs were handy! :)


drbj profile image

drbj 13 months ago from south Florida Author

Hi, Say Yes. What a difference a few letters in a word make. Yep, the Three Bares were nudists and Goldie is fortunate she escaped from their clutches. And also that no hot springs were handy! :)


teaches12345 profile image

teaches12345 13 months ago

Oh how you make one laugh! I love the grizzly joke best. Now I know the true story of Goldilocks!


drbj profile image

drbj 13 months ago from south Florida Author

Laughter makes the world go 'round and when I heard you laugh, it was a wonderful sound. Happy you enjoyed the Goldilocks true story and the grizzly joke. And congrats on the Hubbie. It's nice to see you here, m'dear.

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working