Top Ten Despicable Animals

"Hey nanny-goats! It's my mating season. Baa!"
"Hey nanny-goats! It's my mating season. Baa!"
"I eat only raw vegetables and my little remaining dignity," he said sanctimoniously.
"I eat only raw vegetables and my little remaining dignity," he said sanctimoniously.

The profusion of New Age retro-hippie 'animal lovers'--most of whom end up as rights activists in PETA--and lonely cat-hoarding women has yet to interfere with my appreciation for the animal kingdom. Yes, I do like animals, generally speaking. They like me, too. Cats and dogs just know I'm alright. We understand one another: we know to stay out of each other's business and out of each other's homes. We have an attitude of respect for one another. I understand they're not cuddly cartoons, you see, and they understand that I'm a superior lifeform. In fact, most animals are quite a bit like me: a little surly, they don't suffer fools gladly. Seeing as how there's this cosmic connection between the dumb animals and myself, a not-so-dumb animal, I should like to enlighten my fellow human animals as to the animals I most despise. Because the truth is most animals are assholes.

10. Dolphins

I find myself both sympathetic to the dolphin and disgusted by what it's become. Once upon a time, the dolphin was but a fish-like mammal minding its own business. Humans liked them, respected them, and mostly left them alone. Then New Agers showed up and declared dolphins the most intelligent species on the planet, capable of healing all illnesses with their spiritual powers. Where'd they get that from? It seems a little arbitrary. I guess dolphins have a very strong crown chakra or perhaps they have clean chi. I'll have to ask Shirley Maclaine. Whatever it may be, the dolphin has become a monster, a money-making monster of New Age terror. It's not the dolphin's fault; it really isn't. New Agers ruin everything they touch with their bullhonky fingers. And unfortunately, their unwashed paws have been all over the dolphins' slick hides, admiring that prehensile, phallic form for its full cosmic power. If only dolphins really were superintelligent, they might just begin giving the New Agers what's coming to them. Alas, dolphins aren't terribly bright, so they just click and swim around until the next meal. Add to this the millions of horrid kitsch paintings that wouldn't exist were it not for dolphins and it's clear why dolphins had to be on the list.

9. House Flies

Flies do a total of five things in their miserable lives: fly, eat, vomit, lay eggs, and die. Of all these activities, it's only the last one I appreciate. I even try to help them accomplish it whenever I can find the time. As for the other activities, their airspace, as far as they're concerned, is always within a radius of no more than a foot from your head. Their diet consists of whatever you're trying to eat. They are constantly vomiting, ensuring that whatever they've touched is violated (something they share with Hollywood producers). And they lay eggs (something I'm fairly certain they don't share with Hollywood producers). The eggs become maggots. But even before the maggots, there is a universal law that states, "All eggs smaller than an adult thumb is an abomination."

8. Chimpanzees

Most people's image of a chimp is a silly monkey-like creature making faces and sticking out its tongue, like a really ugly, hairy baby. Thankfully the news has been disillusioning us for the last few years. A series of frankly gruesome stories has been revealing just how horribly violent these creatures are. Humans, for the most part, get along, except for characters like that dork Hitler. There are over six billion humans in the world. The number of those that have or ever will murder another human is actually very small outside of Texas. Chimps, in the wild, tear each other apart. Gangs of male chimps will choose another male chimp to rip to pieces, starting with the genitals. Nature's Hannibal Lecters, they are. This mentality has recently been exerted upon humans who were stupid enough to hold them in captivity. The results are severely mutilated people: torn off faces, gouged out eyes, testicles ripped from the body, and Oprah appearances. Chimpanzees are not cute, not cuddly, not friendly: they are bastards.

"We impregnated your wife, Jim."
"We impregnated your wife, Jim."

7. Horses

Hey, you know what'd be weird? If everybody suddenly decided to love one type of animal for no good reason. Oh right, that already happened! I don't actually hate horses. They can be kinda cool. I hate that other people exorbitantly love them. In Quebec we do sometimes eat horsemeat. This is viewed with horror by some people. Why? Well, when the Magickal Pixies of Yorn entered our world through the Vortex of Power in Sedona, they gave us horses as a symbol of the peace between--oh wait, there's no good reason! Horses are no better than cows. They are every bit as stupid, possibly stupider. Horses panic if a piece of grass moves in a vaguely threatening way. The things have the brains of chickens. They've been Romanticized way out of proportion. They are not noble, loyal, intelligent friends sticking with their cowboys and knights through thick and thin. They're just too stupid to run away. You know who's the blame for the sentimentalization of horses? Teenage girls! Lonely teenage girls who love the feel of a strong, muscular being with enough power to crush them flexing between their pubescent legs. You love your horse between your legs, I love mine on a plate. I'll leave you have your quasi-erotic love of horses and admit they're not repugnant if you just admit there's nothing special about them.

6./5./4. Tigers/Sharks/Bears

I was hating bears before Colbert ever called them "Godless Killing Machines," but I'm glad he's popularizing what I've known all along. And no matter how many weeks of the year Discovery arbitrarily declares "Shark Week," I will never come to see sharks as amazing, graceful animals. They're swimming, totally appetitive mouths, like giant, limbless babies with really sharp teeth. Actually, that's a weird image. Nevermind that. Basically, any animal that routinely kills humans is on my blacklist. Just because they kill humans. I know we kill them a lot and stuff, but uh, well, we're superior beings! Call me speciesist (seriously, do); I just think humans are worth much more than these animals and it really bugs me when a bear/shark/tiger kills a human. Now if a human is trying to kill them first, I can see a sort of justice there; but they tend to attack harmless, elderly campers. What's the point, bear? What is the point? There is none. Bears are just jerkwads.

3. Snakes

Imagine if you could invent a creature that does nothing but swallow other animals and digest them alive? Well you wouldn't, 'cause that would suck, wouldn't it? Apparently Nature disagrees. Snakes swallow things, mate, and die. That's it. Their blank, expressionless eyes stare off into space as they nebulously and mindlessly slither some prey into their stomach. But enough about crackwhores. Yeah, snakes often swallow prey that's so large they spend the rest of their miserable lives digesting it. They have no idea what they're doing: Like most McDonalds customers, they just stupidly and blindly consume. And that makes me loathe them.

2. Mice

Did you know a whale can't swallow anything nearly as large as a human being? There's no way either Jonah or Pinocchio were in a whale's belly. The Bible and Walt Disney lied! In fact, Walt Disney lies about a lot of things. Take Mickey Mouse for instance. Mickey's a great guy; I loved him growing up. Mice should be sweet and friendly like Mickey, doing good deeds and dancing and such, right? No! No, if Walt Disney wanted to accurately represent mouse-kind in Mickey, every Mickey Mouse short would be a blur of frenzied eating and defecating on your counter top as he dances around chewing crumbs and crapping everywhere. Mice do nothing else but scratch holes into your walls, eat crumbs from your counter, and then defecate and urinate right where they've been eating. They are the filthiest, dirtiest douchebags on this list and it's time someone said it. None of my apartments before my current one had mice. So I thought nothing of leaving my toaster out in the open. It was a month before I realized the toaster was full of mouse turds! Oh yes, this one is personal. Mice are vile.

1. Fruit Flies

There's nothing quite like reaching for a banana peel and having a dozen little red specks fly directly into your face. Fruit flies only live about twenty-four hours and yet they managed to squeeze so much annoyance into that time. They are the most ambitious irritants on god's green earth. Their sole purpose during their short lifespans, besides making more fruit flies, is getting in my face. They just know if they fly right into your eyes it will annoy you and if they do it while you're carrying a nearly full bowl of cereal it will both annoy and wet you. Though there has been no fruit fly around for weeks, a single banana peel left out overnight will adopt you a swarm of 'em by morning. Then anything moister than another fruit fly becomes a breeding ground. I have yet to see a fruit fly larva; they just sort of appear and multiply exponentially. Why do they multiply? Because my face is still there.

Disclaimer

No New Agers or teenage girls were supposed to be hurt in the making of this article. If you are a New Ager or a teenage girl, just keep telling yourself: "It's only a comedy article, it's only a comedy article."

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Comments 42 comments

Jane Bovary profile image

Jane Bovary 6 years ago from The Fatal Shore

Oh my god! I couldn't get past the photo. The Island of Dr. Moreau!! I'll come back to it when I've recovered.


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

hahaha hey, come on, I make a damn attractive goat!

I think your new profile photo expresses something of the shock and concern you must have felt. You appear disconcerted. But since I've seen two pics of the same lady now, I'm feeling more certain that you're not a 68 year old man who likes playing Scrabble with handsome young men. (I have a real life story about that. I'll have to share it sometime.)


Jane Bovary profile image

Jane Bovary 6 years ago from The Fatal Shore

Actually you've seen four..though admittedly one was only an eye.

I still could be a 68 year old man..you just never know


Jane Bovary profile image

Jane Bovary 6 years ago from The Fatal Shore

I'm slightly worried now I've been playing scrabble with a goat...


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Me? A goat? You've got to be kidding! (Get it? "Kidding"? I crack me up.)

Oh that's true. I'd forgotten about the hat photo. Perhaps because it was side-on and, I think?, somewhat older than your present photo. I dunno.

Well, if you're a 68 year old man, I'm not sure how far our relationship can go. But I'm willing to try to make this work. Just don't tell my wives or the guy who milks them every morning.


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Sorry about that. That was kind of rude. I didn't mean to imply you look old in your present photo. You're a cute lady, JB, and it's a nice photo. It's not just anyone I'd compare to 1970s Ellen Burstyn. Seriously.


Jane Bovary profile image

Jane Bovary 6 years ago from The Fatal Shore

It's too late!!

No, I'm joking. I know that you are really far too nice to deliberately cause offence.

Just call me Blanche Dubois...

I think you are a little harsh on the animals...of course we've done them much more harm than they've inflicted on us. [Chimpanzees are very scary when they snap though.] Yes..you are a speciest.

I guess if "superiority" is a justification for disregarding another species then it would be morally ok for a race of superior aliens too come down and do as they wish with us.

The relationship between teenage girls and horses is interesting. I went through a horse craze myself..oh Mr. Freud, what does it all mean?

.


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Oh no, I'm considered a "nice guy"? Always dangerous territory with significantly less sex. I'll have to be even more blustering in the future. I don't suppose Hello Kitty underwear will give me a more tough guy image, will it?

Re: Animals. Wait a minute now, I didn't say anything about hurting or disregarding animals. In the first paragraph what I advocate is treating them with respect, particularly with regards to their individual autonomy. They're not cuddly, furry, babies once they're adults. For instance, dolphins don't want to swim with dirty, pregnant hippies. I'm sure of it! lol

When I was a teenager I went through a vagina phase. Never really ended. Males are just so much more direct. Anyway, maybe you can give us some insight: what was so great about horses? I mean, on a conscious level. Forget your dirty, dirty subconscious (where you 'read bedtime stories' to me).


CMHypno profile image

CMHypno 6 years ago from Other Side of the Sun

So I see that you couldn't wait for Christmas to get the horns Arthur? So young to be so cynical about cute dolphins and things? I have always thought that it was a mistake to 'disney' up the animal kingdom, it is 'red in tooth and claw' and should be appreciated for the amazing interwoven survival structure that it is. Sharks, lions, chimps, tigers, dolphins etc are all predators that need to kill to survive, so why are people always surprised when they do kill things? In the ocean, a shark wouldn't recognise your shining superiority Arthur, it would just have a quick chew to see if you would make a good lunch morsel! Make sure you carry some mint sauce with you to ensure the maximum dining experience for our fishy friends (oh and I'm sure they would enjoy the Hello Kitty underpants as well)


drbj profile image

drbj 6 years ago from south Florida

Sorry it took so long for me to comment, Arthur, but the meds I had to take after viewing your amazing satyr-like photo have just now begun to wear off. Will comment more when I recover totally. If ever.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS

I came; I saw. You make a lovely goat, but you should try reheading an Angora goat: - silky and luxurious, like you.

"It's only a comedy article, it's only a comedy article."


Gypsy Willow profile image

Gypsy Willow 6 years ago from Lake Tahoe Nevada USA , Wales UK and Taupo New Zealand

I was one of those sad teenagers once. Love the humerous take on some of my faves. Sort of cuts me down to size!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

CM: haha dolphins are cool, they're just not superintelligent spirit guides. You're right that there's some beauty to the whole animal kingdom, which involves constant merciless slaughter of one another by animals. And I respect that. That's why I don't walk in the woods wearing BBQ sauce and why I don't swim in the ocean with mint sauce.


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Doc: lol glad to hear my studly goat photo has such a powerful effect. I'm sure there are some corners of the world where Goat-Arthur would be worshiped as a fertility god.

Nellie: hehe I'll give it my best shot. I'll just have to find an angora goat who will consent to the operation.

Gypsy: Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for commenting.

I notice no-one is stepping up to defend the house fly. Curious.


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK

You made me smile - CMHypno sent me here :D


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey De Greek,

Glad you enjoyed it! And thanks to CM for directing you my way. Cheers!


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me.

...someone had a bad experience at the zoo as a child...haha


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Pinkie,

LOL Y'know what? I'm gonna have to make a hub about my favourite animals now just to correct my image.


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me.

haha i was kidding. you know we are all just messing with you. No one thinks your going to shoot a cat in reno just to watch it die. In all seriousness though, i know what you mean about the monkeys. have you seen that show on discovery about that city-i forget where it is- where the monkeys just run wild? There all over the fruit in the markets, they get into peoples homes and raid there cabinets, geeze at least our squirrels stay the f*** in the trees where they belong!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Oh my, I've never seen that. I'm sure there are videos on youtube. I'll have to look the City of the Monkeys. Have you seen Romero's Monkey Shines? About this guy in a wheelchair who gets a helper-monkey, but it (she) goes nuts and tries to kill all the women in his life. hehe

I have to admit I like the little capuchin monkeys, though. Especially when they wear a fez.


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me.

hahahaha i cant believe you have seen that movie. As sort of a joke i made my boyfriend watch that movie 2 years ago because i had seen it and knew he wouldn't be able to stand it. And arent the capuchin monkeys the ones that were used to steal money and valuables out of the pockets of passers by?


Jane Bovary profile image

Jane Bovary 6 years ago from The Fatal Shore

Sorry Arthur, I misread some of your hub...I think my retinas were still smarting from the image of the goat-man...and some things were a blur. Perhaps though, there's more to animals than us humans realise.. Have you ever stared into the eyes of a gorilla?

I went through my horsey period at about age 12 or 13..I think it was the beauty of horses that attracted me. The free-flowing main, the slender, elegant face, the lustrous brown eyes, long legs, soft, rounded rump..oh my, I think I'm getting turned on.

Just before my 14 th birthday I fell off one and broke my wrist....after that, we sort of drifted apart.


Mike Lickteig profile image

Mike Lickteig 6 years ago from Lawrence KS USA

Good list. Dolphins are kinda cute when they play with those beach balls at Marineland and do tricks, but I have no use whatsoever for mice, flies and most of all--snakes. I hate snakes with a passion. I hate that they terrify me. I hate the way they slither around. I hate that they invade the back yard if you don't mow every week. bbrrrrr

I'm allergic to horses, but I hate the way they give me hives.

I am fine with cats, rabbits and similar docile creatures.

Mike


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Pinkie: Monkey Shines is awesome. I love that movie. Yeah, I think some folk use monkeys to steal. Or to act alongside David Schwimmer.


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

JB: haha no worries. Or maybe you were still in a womanly tizzy. Hmm. I didn't realize we were married.

No, I haven't stared in the eyes of a gorilla, unless you count the mean old guy who works at the liquor store. I have, however, encountered a dog with a sense of humour. He lived at a house in between my apartment and the corner store. The house had a metal lattice fence and lots of bushes. So he would hide in the bushes along the fence. He would wait until someone walked past the fence, then bark. When it was clear the person had been startled, he would run around with excitement. If, however, you managed to notice him in the bushes and made eye contact first, he wouldn't bark. It's not proof, but it looks to me like a case of a practical joking dog.

Thanks for that revealing peek into your teenage years. I now know two things that turn you on: me and horses. I wonder what we have in common? Alright, movin' on...


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Mike!

Boy am I glad to have another man comment on this hub. All these ladies have been making me feel like an ogre. haha

I'm pleased to say we don't have any snakes here in Ottawa. Even when I lived in a rural area, snakes aren't much of a problem in Canada. The idea of them is enough for me.

I'm also okay with cats and rabbits. Although I don't see the point of having a rabbit as a pet. It just sits there, staring and sniffling like you've been beating it. I've never seen a rabbit and thought, "Wow, he looks happy to be in this home."

Cheers!


Jane Bovary profile image

Jane Bovary 6 years ago from The Fatal Shore

I just remembered what that image reminds me of. Invasion of the Body Snatchers...version 2.

Do you feel insecure if you don't have a man in your hub? Getting swamped by "ladies" eh?


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

The Don Siegel version? It's been way too long since I've seen that to recall the scene you have in mind. Was there an animal/human hybrid? Are you sure you're not thinking of John Carpenter's The Thing?

You tryin' to pick on me, Bovary? 'cause I can increase my teasing. ;)

Yeah, I don't mind getting swamped by ladies. Why, I'm building a room for my harem as we speak. It's just that ladies are naturally sympathetic to animals and not the handsome GoatMan. What can ya do?


Jane Bovary profile image

Jane Bovary 6 years ago from The Fatal Shore

No I'm not thinking of The Thing. Brooke Adams passes a dog with the head of a man and is so shocked she lets out a response, thus giving herself away to the aliens.

In the original film it was a dog getting run over but that wasn't considered shocking enough for desensitised, more modern audiences.

Here's a picture:

http://www.totalfilm.com/features/9-barking-movie-...


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Oh cool. I really have to watch that again as an adult. Thanks!

The Abel Ferrara version from the '90s is the freshest in my mind. I didn't care for it. Nothing nearly as cool as a human-headed dog.


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me.

By the way, did you put a lot of thought into making the goats head your own, or did you just pick an animal? Theres significant symbolism going on there...or maybe you just think goats are nice. :)


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Pinkie, I have this running joke involving goats with my friend's daughter (a little girl). I put my head on a goat's body to amuse her. So this picture is one of the few things I've done with pure intentions. hehehe

That said, whatever's going on symbolically is probably all 100% subconsciously accurate.


epigramman profile image

epigramman 6 years ago

where is 'man' on this list???

...but seriously folks - Arthur W. had such a fine wit and verve and nerve that he gives these hubpages (bland at times I must admit) a much needed shot of intellectual

adrenaline and mischeivous behavior! (and all at once!)


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Intellectual adrenaline and mischeivous behaviour is probably the most accurate way of describing my presence. Cheers, my fine poet!

Speaking of animals, you must tell us about your cat. It's there in the picture and it's captured my attention with its hypnotic gaze.


Kael Myril profile image

Kael Myril 6 years ago from Tacoma, WA

Bullhonky fingers? Hahahaha. Clean Chi? Hahahahahaha. Thanks for this.


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

My pleasure! Glad you found my turns of phrase amusing, Kael. Cheers!


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 6 years ago

Too funny............ thanks for the smiles!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Kaie, glad to make you laugh! Cheers!


epigramman profile image

epigramman 6 years ago

also in passing - why are there not any politicians on this list????


tom hellert profile image

tom hellert 6 years ago from home

AW,

I agree with all your picks EXCEPT Sharks- I love sharks When we go in the water we are in their house- and they don't like visitors that wont stop in for a bite- Apex predator for MILLIONS OF YEARS. I have seen a lot of Shark-weeks and lets face it they don't like human flesh but cant really use those fins to poke their food so they use their mouths... tooo bad it is full of razor sharp teeth-si 9 out of 10 isn't bad...


Hypercat-Z 5 years ago

I totally agree about horses. They are stupid. Much more stupid than donkeys. Donkeys are seen as stupids because, unlike horses, they don't learn to follow orders as good as well. So, for humans, it's more confortable to think they are too stupid to understand horses correctly, than think they have a stronger will than horses and just DON'T WANT to follow every order given to them unless they are more rewarded.


meaghan 5 years ago

I love dolphins i always have loved dolphins and that dolphin video at the top of the page had dolphins. My room is covered with dolphin stuff.And i'm absested with dolphins!. Responed if you love or are absested with dolphins.Age 12

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