Head Bug

And here you were thinking that an infestation of bed bugs was something of a challenge!

Well, look out for the Head Bug!

Compared to this torso- and abdomen-less guy, the ordinary everyday bedbug — Cimex lectularius, also variously known by the names of redcoat, mahogany flat, wall louse, crimson rambler, heavy dragoon, or simply chinche — is a cinch to deal with. After all, one can usually pluck a tiny oval red Cimex from its clinging grasp on the bedclothes with a pair of tweezers, to readily dispatch it with a firm pincer-like death-rattle squeeze and a subsequent flush down the nearest available toilet. That’s because most bedbugs you are likely to encounter are of no more than a manageable 4 mm length or so. Try that same trick on the 27 mm Head Bug [with its Head of 24 mm or greater diameter] and you’d better head straight to the garage for that pair of lock-tight vise-grips you bought dad two years ago last Father’s Day!

(It’s also quite difficult for most people to terminate the little vermin once they have finally cornered the little bugger, only to have it turn and gaze upward at them with those huge and wetly glistening sad-dolly eyes.)

Another bedbug removal scheme that is likely to fail in the case of the Head Bug is that of using scent dogs to track this bete noire of the boudoir. Like bedbugs, Head Bugs do emanate a collective aura of chemicals and pheromones detectable by properly trained canines. (Whereas bedbugs may give off scents reminiscent of ripe strawberries, coriander, cilantro or almonds, Head Bugs radiate the aromas of poor quality Brie, sweaty wet gym socks, bird flatulence and cheap wax crayons melted onto a radiator.) Unfortunately, once found, the larger Head Bugs can become quite daunting prey for any dog, particularly so for petite or puny pups. There have been recorded instances of smallish dogs fleeing infested quarters, yipping and howling, with their squeamish handlers being dragged along behind and making similar noises.

Vacuuming up the Head Bug is problematic as well, since sometimes just one especially capacious insectivorous cranium is all it takes to stop up an otherwise smoothly siphoning vacuum cleaner hose.

No, the best remedy by far for a Head Bug onslaught is an appeal to the little critter’s large chitinous skull — and the surprisingly agile insect brain contained within it.

Simply put, the Head Bug responds to reason.

With the properly prepared and presented postulation, you’ll be pleasantly surprised that the Head Bug and his ilk can be convinced that far better bed chamber pastures await them at that run-down ranch at the end of the cul-de-sac — you know, the one with thigh-high weeds, the used refrigerator and sprung-cushion settee on the front porch, and three broken windowpanes in the front windows alone. The salivatin’ buggers will be out in no time.

(See? There’s one more reason to be thankful you don’t happen to reside in the most derelict domicile in the vicinity!)