Hilarious / Funny Quotes from Qantas Airline's Gripe Sheets

After flights Qantas Airline pilots have to fill out a form called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells the mechanics of any problems with the aircraft. The mechanics then correct the problem before adding their solutions to the sheet, and then the pilots review the gripe sheet before their next flight.

The ground crews obviously have a great sense of humour as reflected in their gripe sheet comments and solutions.

The quotes in this hub are not new to the Internet, but I am sure not everyone here on hubpages will have seen them before, and they are well worth reading for the laughter factor. I take no credit for this hub as I simply copied the content to spread the laughs further.

For ease of reading I have referred to the pilots by the letter 'P', and the mechanic's solutions with the letter 'S'.

Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident!

P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

*****

P) Test flight ok, except auto-land very rough.

S) Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

*****

P) Something loose in cockpit.

S) Something tightened in cockpit.

*****

P) Dead bugs on windshield.

S) Live bugs on back-order.

*****

P) Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

*****

P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S) Evidence removed.

*****

P) DME volume unbelievably loud.

S) DME volume set to more believable level.

*****

P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S) That's what they're for.

*****

P) IFF inoperative.

S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

*****

P) Suspected crack in windscreen.

S) Suspect you're right.

*****

P) Number 3 engine missing.

S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

*****

P) Aircraft handles funny.

S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

*****

P) Target radar hums.

S) Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

*****

P) Mouse in cockpit.

S) Cat installed.

*****

P) Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S) Took hammer away from midget.

*****

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Comments 21 comments

Benson Yeung profile image

Benson Yeung 8 years ago from Hong Kong

I can't find anything wrong with the gripe sheet either.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

LOL :) thanks for commenting Benson


Uninvited Writer profile image

Uninvited Writer 8 years ago from Kitchener, Ontario

That is funny :) Thanks.


Sock Puppet profile image

Sock Puppet 8 years ago

I hope the mechanics are being intentionally funny; otherwise I would be scared to fly this airline.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks uninvited writer, they certainly made me laugh.

Sock Puppet, no worries, I am sure they were intentionally being funny, (typical Aussie humour). :)


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks uninvited writer, they certainly made me laugh.

Sock Puppet, no worries, I am sure they were intentionally being funny, (typical Aussie humour). :)


Misha profile image

Misha 8 years ago from DC Area

oi-oi-oi-oi-oi! Cindy! it hurts! I can't laugh anymore, have mercy! :D


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Hi Misha, yes it is funny isn't it, although not new to the Web. I just couldn't resist allowing all of the people here on hubpages who haven't yet seen these quotes to enjoy them too. :)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

Very funny! I laughed a lot! I hadn't seen it before. Thanks!


Misha profile image

Misha 8 years ago from DC Area

It's hilarious! I can't remember last time I laughed so hard, seriously. Thanks for bringing this here :)


KT pdx profile image

KT pdx 8 years ago from Vancouver, WA, USA

ROFL!!! That's great!!! Especially like the "took hammer away from midget" and "aircraft warned to straighten up..."!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

So glad you are all enjoying these. I never get tired of reading them and laugh every time :)


Milla Mahno profile image

Milla Mahno 8 years ago from Florida

Thank you Misty, this is very funny!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Glad you enjoyed them too Milla, thanks for stopping by :)


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

Misty Screamingly funny.i have not seen these before.

i really enjoyed these.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks Sixty, so glad you hadn't seen them before as they are that much funnier the first time :)


Ex Q Pilot Keith 5 years ago

Flying DC-3's for licence renewal @ Narromine


Fauve 5 years ago

very goood


Brendan 2 years ago

BEST AIRBUS

I LOVE QUNTOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Erika 4 months ago

I have laughed at this for years


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 months ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Me too Erika, they never fail to make me laugh out loud.

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