Homemade Cat Food Recipe: Slayer's Famous Catnip-Seasoned Long Pork

You may have come to this article expecting comedy and satire from Shadesbreath. But Shadesbreath is, no surprise, suffering from a horrendous hangover today, it being Saturday and all, and, therefore, he is unable to write the article he had committed to. Being the anal-retentive fellow that he is—or something—and not wanting to leave the task undone, he asked that I write this particular article for him (as evidenced by the video above).

For those of you who do not know me, I am Slayer, one of the two cats his wife serves with great dedication and obedience. For those of you who have heard of me, yes, I am the very same cat of whom Shadesbreath, in his infinitely hilarious way, found it so F-ing funny to post a picture online, one taken during the indelicate moments of my using the catbox, or, as my sister Hallie and I prefer, my having been "at the beach." So, in keeping with that just paw-slappingly clever level of comicality that Shadesbreath has convinced himself he has, I will do my best to amuse you, his readers, in his stead. And while a few of you may wonder, given that I am doing this rather than him, whether you might miss out on the scribbling he calls art that so often accompany his little rants and tirades, don’t worry, you won’t. I assure, I do not need an opposable thumb to reproduce that kind of idiotic scrawl.

This is the simply hilarious photo he endlessly finds ways to use again and again like a four year old would. (And yes, that is my sister, Hallie, watching too. You can't imagine the indignities one must suffer in this household.)
This is the simply hilarious photo he endlessly finds ways to use again and again like a four year old would. (And yes, that is my sister, Hallie, watching too. You can't imagine the indignities one must suffer in this household.)

This article I am about to write is something that Shadesbreath's oh-so-funny photograph set me to thinking about some time ago, and I feel that perhaps the universe is smiling upon me today, maybe even preparing me for an approaching opportunity here in these dog days of summer—oh how fun irony is—and I can only hope that, as he sleeps off his most recent indulgence, I might… um, well, never mind. Let’s go on with it shall we? So, that said, please enjoy my first article, and, most importantly, pay attention because, well, … just pay attention. Especially if you have a cat.

What you need to make homemade cat food
What you need to make homemade cat food

Slayer's Famous Catnip-Seasoned Long Pork Recipe

You will need a large cauldron (100 gallon capacity minimum). If you don't have one, arrangements can be made to overheat a hot tub or Jacuzzi, but you'll need an electrician who is not particularly scrupulous, and you'll want to quadruple the amount of garlic and catnip I have specified so your cats don't complain that they can still taste chlorine. We have very sensitive taste buds, in case you didn't know (which is why we don't eat our own feces like dogs do, but I digress).

You will also need a siphon (unless you are using the Jacuzzi, in which case the drain already included will suffice), a very large saucepan and a clean five-gallon bucket.

Ingredients:

Long pork, whole (I suggest a tall, fat one that fancies himself a great wit)

10 tbsp. salt

2 lbs Catnip (catmint)

½ lbs Catnip (lemon catnip)

3 cups oregano

12 cloves mashed garlic

2 tbsp. chopped onion

4 diced mouse livers (chicken livers may be substituted if you are cheap or lazy)

½ lbs cornstarch

1 gallon high quality cream

1 red apple

Place long pork into cauldron. It is much more fun to do this while it is still alive, but they can make a fuss, so if you must claw it to death in its sleep, so be it. Fill cauldron with water until long pork is covered, add salt, and then bring to boil. (If you are working with live long pork, this is by far the most gratifying portion of the whole enterprise, and you can say things like "Hah hah, who's crapping now, asshole?" as your meal thrashes about in screaming agony… or, of course, you can say something else to it if my idea doesn't resonate with you.) Boil until it stops thrashing and, eventually, its eyes pop out.

MmmHmmm....
MmmHmmm....

Once it's beady little sarcastic eyes dangle like slimy white balls of yarn from its not-smiling-so-much-now-are-you face, you'll want to skim off the grease floating on the top and collect it in your 5-gallon bucket. Once you've captured this flavorful gravy base, get your siphon hose and drain off fluid until your long pork is only half submerged.

Add catnip, oregano, garlic and onions to cauldron, stir thoroughly, and let simmer. (Save one sprig of catmint for garnish.) By now your cats will be going crazy with desire and you may find that the weak-minded amongst them can suddenly recognize their names and will even respond to such ridiculous enticements as you tapping on your thigh and calling, "Here kitty kitty." What can I say? We are only mortal too.

Let cauldron simmer for an hour and a half, then turn your long pork over. Be careful as at this point, it will likely fall apart, it's doughy white limbs tumbling in the boil and its bloated fingers unlikely to ever take another photograph, and, of course, I don't want you to get burned. Let simmer for another half hour.

While that's cooking, place your very large saucepan over medium heat. Fill it half way with the drippings you skimmed into your five-gallon bucket and add your four diced mouse livers. The strong flavor of the mouse livers will mask any unpleasantness that may have been released into the broth during the long pork's initial spasms while coming to a boil.

In a separate pan, dissolve about a half-pound of cornstarch in water, using just enough water to make a paste. Stir that into your gravy mixture with a wire whisk until it begins to thicken. Add high quality cream as it thickens to maintain the consistency you want, and continue doing so for about five minutes. It is perfectly fine if you use a lot of cream, especially if you don't try to substitute that disgusting 2% excuse for milk you buy, and god help you if you use 1% milk because your cats will attack you and throw you into the pot too if you try that bullshit. So don't. We're watching you and we don't care if we have that dangly little pooch on our bellies from having the extra fat in our dairy products. We like our pooch, frankly, and you know you think it's cute too, so just stop with the 1%.

MMmmmmmm.
MMmmmmmm.

Once it's done, arrange your long pork on a large tray, cover with gravy, and stuff the remaining sprig of catnip in its ass, because it's so funny to pay attention to what's going on with the backsides of your fellow creatures, as we all know. And for the final touch, jam that apple in its big, fat mouth so that it will never har-dee-har-har at you when you are… at the beach…again.

Serves 12 to 20 cats.

Like I said: pay attention.
Like I said: pay attention.
No so cute now, am I?
No so cute now, am I?

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Comments 44 comments

dineane profile image

dineane 5 years ago from North Carolina

Tee hee :) Slayer, you resemble my Lucy, only she's obviously not been deprived with 1 & 2% - check her out on fb. She's been yacking at me all afternoon, and until now, I had no idea what she was talking about. Wonder what kind of recipe she was trying to suggest??!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Dineane, if you treat dear Lucy with respect, I am sure she was only suggesting a salmon something or perhaps even a simple can of tuna opened nicely as a treat. If you, however, are less respectful and can't control your own childish urges, well, then you may discover something else was on her mind. I hadn't thought of a FB page, but perhaps I should get one and can network with Lucy to give her tips for keeping you inline.


The Rat RaceRebel profile image

The Rat RaceRebel 5 years ago from Up-North, MI

I was going to put in a hot tub to enjoy this coming winter but after reading this I'm seriously reconsidering. I look at my kitty "Lelu" and the looks she is giving me have taken on a new meaning. Perhaps providing her with a 100 gallon cauldron isn't such a good idea after all!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Yeah, TRRR, you might want to rethink that if there is any chance you and Lelu aren't in harmony just now. (Is Lelu from the 5th Element movie by any chance?)


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Gosh, what can I say. I was just writing a hub for Texas Banana Pudding. Now you have me hungry for pork.

I did hear that once upon a time some old cat lady died and no one knew and her cats ate her. I think they start with the eyes. That's why they always like to play with wobbly round things.

At least now I know why Max and Blue Kitty always have that special gleam in their eyes when we do the Halloween bonfire! They are so NOT going to get to have this recipe.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

It's already been emailed to them, and, frankly, Blue Kitty thinks that a sprinkle of Blue Cheese over the top will finish it nicely.


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Cats know things.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

They do. If you have a dog, let it sleep at the foot of your bed until this idea passes. If you don't have one, maybe now's the time.


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

I have 3 dogs and two cats. Although one of the dogs is about ready to go to the big pet farm in the sky. She's older than the dirt she rolls in and has warts and everything. She's my little old lady.

Blue kitty used to be Carport kitty until she decided to take over the world starting with my kitchen. She lived out there for 2 years before getting brave enough to try the pet door. Now Max is carport kitty because he thinks Blue is all that and a bag of chips and he's not worthy. He'll only come in the house when it rains.

I wonder is it this recipe that makes cats want to crawl through the cabinets. Are they looking for pots and pans? Hmmmm?


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

LOL. You're screwed. Better hope that old dog can still whip a cat.


Mark Ewbie profile image

Mark Ewbie 5 years ago from Euroland

Superb Shadesbreath. Took me a moment to establish what 'long pork' was but once there I was flying along. Enjoyable read, chuckles, cat anger and ultimate revenge, and great pictures (of course). Not enough self portraits feature the artist with an apple stuffed in their big fat mouth.


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York

You could make a REALLY SCARY MOVIE out of this concept...the cat outa be renamed "Jason".

PS, get a hockey mask for the cat, right? Then you have a sure-fire blockbuster.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

You know, Mark, that's what I always say. I remember in art history class back in college thinking that, "Why don't any of these guys paint themselves with apples jammed in their pie holes." Just goes to show great minds think alike, eh? :D As for the long pork thing, I knew it was a bit of a stretch to expect too many people to recognize that delightful old term, but hey, I consider this my attempt to ressurect a great euphemism. I think it's going to kill my traffic because I suspect everyone will think this is actually a homemade catfood recipe hub and reckon I've sold out comedy for an Adsense buck this go round. (sigh)

Paradise, you know, with CGI what it is, that movie could happen. How fun would that be? And I'm going to look into that hockey mask. I can see him now, creeping around freaking out the company. Just lawl.


The Rat RaceRebel profile image

The Rat RaceRebel 5 years ago from Up-North, MI

LOL... Yes, our kitty Lelu is named after "The Fifth Element" because she is utterly amazing in so many ways.


De Greek profile image

De Greek 5 years ago from UK

That sprig of catnip is an exquisite touch, Who would have thought? :-)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Well, TRRR, that was a great movie and a very cool character, so, nice choice. :)

Hey De Greek, good to see you. And yes, when it comes to classy ways to show no class, you can count on me :)


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 5 years ago from South Africa

I am allergic to cats (Aaaatishoo) so I don't have any in my life. So I am (relatively) safe from their Machievellian schemes.


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Actually, sixty, you have already succumbed to their Machievellian schemes. They want to take over the world! Mwaahahaha.


fashion 5 years ago

WOW ! amazing.I love it.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Sixty!!! You're like a beloved comet that circles through the skies of my hubs from time to time, reminding me of the origins of my HubPages universe. Great to see you. And yeah, that whole cat sneezing thing, that's not allergies, that's pepper. They run by you and sprinkle it on you, prepping you for the pot.

Austinstar, you think they're gonna cook their way to global domination, eh? Interesting tactic. Wonder if the Pentagon every tries stuff like that.


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

The Pentagon is where they breed the cats! They also plan the Catastrophes.


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 5 years ago from South Africa

MMM Cat jerky that's the answer. Let's hang the little buggers out to dry!


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Yep, and they are thinking, "long pork jerky"!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

LOL Austinstar, if I had some drums, I'd give you a timpany for that "catastrophe" thing. :P

I think I ate cat jerky once, Sixty. This somewhat shady fellow used to come by a shop I worked at twenty or so years ago selling "beef jerky." A year or so later someone told me it was cat, and they didn't have that sparkle in their eye that indicates humor. I hope they were wrong. Blehhhh. (Then again, I'm still here,so, I guess who cares, right?)


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 5 years ago from South Africa

It proves a point. There is a market for cat Jerky, albeit limited to a certain selected taste. Export to the Far East maybe?


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

We could pay the Chinese in cat exports. What's the going rate for cat jerky?


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 5 years ago from South Africa

Hah So! - wait while I consult my I-Ching. It say "US dollar no good. If people have yen for cat jerky they will make payment in yen!" I guess that means the Yen could be the new world currency standard!


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Well, we could just send them 14 trillion cats on the paw. Charge them a buck apiece. Then they can do whatever it is they do with cats.

Uh, my cat just told me that I am wrong on so many levels.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

LOL I see what you did there, Sixty.

Austin, I already told you, you better watch yourself. You're going to go to bed one night and wake up in a cauldron, then who will be laughing last? You don't want the last thing you hear in this world to be the sound of boiling broth and cat snickering.


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

For sure. Now both cats are mad at me and they have climbed up on the roof. But I have eagle eyes and spotted them before they ambushed me. I told them, "Yea, stay up there on the hot roof, you'll get thirsty soon enough. How about some Oolong Tea? You'll need to get used to it." Hahahahaha. I'm smarter than the average puss.

Why is there a dead mouse next to the stove? Anyone? Ok, but I will not cook it for you.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

That is the first of four livers.


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

- searching the internet now for cat jerky or cat stew recipes - snickers, snickers little whiskers, you won't get me!


Motown2Chitown 5 years ago

Dear God, you're a sick and twisted one, Slayer. Apparently, you're in a great household to develop your literary (and culinary) talents. Hope your meal turned out to be delicious. Perhaps Shadesbreath (if he's still living) will allow you to write another article. :D


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Shadesbreath is making noises about getting a Rottweiler and tying it to his desk chair since I wrote this. He's such a sissy.


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 5 years ago from South Africa

If Shades allows Slayer to write more, he should have a contract with him inserting a few choice claws' about recipe copywrite.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Sixty, I think before contacting copyright lawyers about that claws, we should paws and think about what giving a cat that much legal authority could mean.


spryte profile image

spryte 5 years ago from Arizona, USA

OMG! You have given me a tummy ache from laughing so hard! How did I miss this one?? My cats say this is now their favorite bedtime story.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

We'll see how hard you are laughing when you wake up in the pot.


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 5 years ago from South Africa

I agree too much legal stuf and you could have a catastrophy. Er is that a cat with an apostrophy or one with a trophy? perhaps you could end up with atrophy!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

I think I would end up AS the trophy, Sixty. That's the real danger here.


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

And then the cats would spit up the indigestible hair balls. I wonder if that's where they come from in the first place?


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Woah, what an interesting idea. Cat's spawned from hairballs! Hmm.. hairballs of WHAT though?


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 5 years ago from South Africa

Something like paint ball balls?

However, enough hair balls and you can get a hair shirt and I bet the cats would force you to wear it. If you have allergies like me...duh!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

My wife would force me to sleep in the yard if I got one of those, I'm thinking, Sixty.

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