The Hope and the Horror

Breaking the Silence

A funny thing happened when my wife and I were in the gem section of the Smithsonian's National Museum of Natural History.

We were by the Hope Diamond — amidst a large crowd gathered around, necks craned, trying to get a glimpse of the cursed rock. Suddenly — like a loud clap of thunder — I hear a magnificent fart. This explosion, I quickly determined, came from my wife! I looked at her, my eyes wide and mouth agape, unsure how to respond to this unexpected turn of events.  With a similar expression, she returned my stare; her hand covering her mouth in horror.

I then observed the masses of onlookers, which were now unfortunate ear witnesses, glance uncomfortably at my wife. The time seemed to slow down, as often is the case during episodes of tragedy and turmoil.


Run Like the Wind

I finally spoke. "What the fuck?", I said in my lowest voice possible. Not that the "F" word would be any more disturbing to the crowd than the atomic bomb from my wife's ass, but I felt poise and prudence were necessary in such a place as the Smithsonian.

The words barely passed my lips when she exploded in uncontrollable laughter. The contagion of laughter infected me and we quickly fled the scene like fugitives. We both laughed until our stomachs ached and tears streamed from our eyes. We sat down on a bench trying to get control of ourselves while people passed by us staring in confusion.

A Bloody End

But this story goes on still.

As we sat on the bench doubled over in laughter, people staring at us like we were high, her nose started to bleed uncontrollably. This further convinced the onlookers that we were under the influence of some dastardly substance. Blood flowed from her nose steadily. I ran to the bathroom, still laughing, and got some tissue for my hemorrhaging wife.

After about 5 minutes of trying to control it, the bleeding finally ceased. We rose from the bench to continue our tourist activities, breaking out in intermittent laughter when the memory hit us.

The Fart Poll

Who's more embarrassing to fart in front of?

  • parents
  • in-laws
  • strangers
  • spouse
See results without voting

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Comments 9 comments

Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

Funny story! You have a clean style, interesting and easy to follow. Thanks!


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia

I'm so happy your hubs were brought to my attention at the forum! This is a truly funny one! What I like about your writing is how you can move from making a brief crude phrase immediately to the voice of someone who could be talking about art. LOL! Very nice! I'm always a sucker for a little drama too, and you did that well. ;) I never dreamed I'd be glued to reading about farts. Well, on second thought, I love reading about farts. lol!


maven101 profile image

maven101 7 years ago from Northern Arizona

Nice story...funny imagery...thanks


imadork profile image

imadork 7 years ago from St. Peters, MO Author

Thank you for compliments! Ego boosts are always appreciated.


jjrubio 7 years ago

Now that was very well written as interesting as it was. I was caught off guard about the "passing gas" but hey it pulled me in...=)


imadork profile image

imadork 7 years ago from St. Peters, MO Author

Thanks jjrubio. A good fart story can rival the works of Shakespeare.


MamaDragonfly2677 profile image

MamaDragonfly2677 7 years ago from New York

OMG!!!!! TOO FUNNY! What else was there to do? Stand there and hope to hell that everyone would forget about it? NO! RUN! LOL

Great hub!


imadork profile image

imadork 7 years ago from St. Peters, MO Author

Thank you MD. I always love to brighten your morning. I need to start writing more funny hubs just to make you laugh in the morning.


MamaDragonfly2677 profile image

MamaDragonfly2677 7 years ago from New York

Well, your so kind! Your right tho- My mornings USUALLY suck...this morning- they did not. THANKS! :D

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