Invasion of the Cow Patties: Manure Attack!

A Comparison and Contrast Essay

Cow Dung,left...Horse Manure, right.
Cow Dung,left...Horse Manure, right.

Yes, a hub about crap..

Okay, you're probably thinking; "Why in the heck is she writing about manure?" Maybe I'm off-base here, but I'm knee deep in doo-doo. Now that the livestock population has increased to include15 bovines(cows) and only1 equine (horse) the place is over-run with crap. I can handle the horse hockie, but not the cow patties. And I'm gonna tell you why. If you find this offensive, go read a hub about roses. I'm writing about doo-doo.

Just to show you some comparisons, look at the above photo

Cow dung and horse manure laid down right next to each other in my pasture. Which is the most offensive? Just look at it! I want to share with you why I hate cow patties, but tolerate and have a use for horse hockie. Remember, if you find this offensive, go read another hub.

Two solidified cow patties right next to each other, solid like a rock.

.....dang! Looks like somebody took a bite outta the one on the left!
.....dang! Looks like somebody took a bite outta the one on the left!

This is why I hate cow manure......

Just look at the disgusting rocks. Now let me tell you, these babies don't just go away with time. No siree! Cow crap stays where it lays, becoming rock hard over time. I've found petrified cow patties in my barn that have been there for years. I'm not kidding. It's totally useless to me....absolutely useless! I consider it radio-active. It spoils my barn, I have to lime everything to get the smell out.I hate cow patties with a passion, almost as much as I hate the cows who deposit them.

Now don't shame me for hating cows. I have good reasons for my feelings and I refuse to feel guilty about it. These cows came onto my place here and took over, running my horse and mule out of their domain. Then I had to sell the mule (hinny) because of those wretched bovines! I realize cows supply me with food and clothing. I eat beef, but that's all they're good for: meat and a new purse. Or a football. I do like the babies, they're cute, but the little rascals pee all over themselves, just like a male goat!

An example of horse manure deposited at different times in 3 stages of decomposition.

Two Fairly Fresh Piles of Horse Manure With One Extra Decomposed Scatter.
Two Fairly Fresh Piles of Horse Manure With One Extra Decomposed Scatter.

Another excellent example of scattered horse manure.

Horse Manure in it's Best Decomposed State, Ready to be Used for Fertilizer.
Horse Manure in it's Best Decomposed State, Ready to be Used for Fertilizer.

The good thing about horses and their manure...

Isn't this more pleasing to the eye? And it shows marked intelligence in the horse. See how many piles are together? My horse, Sport, deposits his manure in certain locations so he doesn't soil the grass, unlike other occupants of the pasture who poop all over their hay and don't give a crap. This is also a good example for explaining how decomposition works so well with horse manure. Look closely at the three piles. The glob of dookie on the far left is the freshest pile. Note the structure of the ovals, solid, well rounded. Now the second pile toward the front is probably a day or two older. Notice how the balls of manure are beginning to deteriorate and break down?

Ah! Again, nature takes it's course! Little birdies, cow birds and chickens attack horse manure like a rat on a cheetoh, picking out any kernels of undigested oats. In doing so, they claw and scratch their way through the doo-doo, thus helping break it down into matter similar to composted pete moss.

See the final effect on the far right? She how it's scattered and broken down into fertilizer? You can pick it up with your hands! You can also use it to start a fire, it's dry as a bone and works good when ignited properly.

I call this photo "Thru The Cow Dung Ring".
I call this photo "Thru The Cow Dung Ring".

Look at the above photo ..

See how well the horse manure breaks down? Just like store bought. Or nearly. We used tons of horsey doo-doo on our garden last year. We had the biggest and best plants ever! I'm telling you, it works. You can't trip over it, either! I can be walking in the pasture and actually fall over an old cow pattie. Stubbed my toe on it too. If you don't watch out, in the spring, when the grass is new and green, the cows gorge themselves. To top it off, when they poop, it literally shoots out their hind end ! The result? Fresh, watery, slicky, slimy cow pattie...if you're running and don't see it...step on it...whoosh! You're air-born when your feet slip out from under you. Imagine jogging at full speed across the pasture, step on a fresh green pattie then the next thing you know you're on your back in middle of the green slime with the breath knocked out of you! Lo and behold, the flight of the pattie.

The epitome of disgust....

Plain Cow Dung, Fairly Fresh, Useless.
Plain Cow Dung, Fairly Fresh, Useless.

See? Cow dung even looks repulsive!

Look at this fresh pile →. It has no character, no nicely rounded balls of solid digested grass. Just a brown blob of mud pie dotting the pasture like fire ant mounds. Everywhere! I realize my resentment towards bovine fecal matter is bleeding through here. It all goes back to my resentment of the cows. That's when the problem began; when those smelly, bony creatures invaded my place and over-inhabited the domain running out my horses! Then they started reproducing.

Not to mention my round pen corral. Oh, I didn't mention it? My round pen panels which I purchased with my own money are being used to hold cows. I no longer have a nice little family corral for kids to pile on my horse 3 at a time for horsey rides anymore. It's been confiscated for the appalling cows!

Dotted Dung Day

Landscape Dotted With Dung.....
Landscape Dotted With Dung.....

So what's the point?

I'm sick of the crap, that's what! If you think the word 'crap' is bad, I'm sorry you're offended. I'll be proper and say I'm sick of the bovine excrement. Period. I would welcome suggestions on the proper use of cow manure. I know nothing about processing it other than to chunk it across the fence or throw at unsuspecting 2-legged humanoids creeping around here trashing and contributing to the bovine population.

If you'd like to donate to this hub, please leave a comment below. I'm curious to know just how the mess is recycled..yeah, yeah, I know. I should know this already, I live on a mini-farm. But I'm an equine gal, not a bovine broad. You decide.

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Comments 47 comments

Putz Ballard profile image

Putz Ballard 6 years ago

We used them(cow patties) for bases, unintentionally of course when we played ball on the mill village ball field (aka the pasture)and I' ve done my share of broadcasting both cow and horse dookie onto the fields for fertilizer and it's all the same.


suziecat7 profile image

suziecat7 6 years ago from Asheville, NC

This Hub is too funny - thanks for the chuckle.


Paula Gignac 6 years ago

Oh, I never realized you were such a talented writer when we were in High School. Artist, yes, but your writing has made my day when I have been feeling crappy. (No pun intended)

I laughed so hard when I read this! Thanks for lightening my day!


donotfear profile image

donotfear 6 years ago from The Boondocks Author

Great Paula! Thanks! Glad you enjoyed...not every day you get to read a story that's full of crap.


Georgiakevin profile image

Georgiakevin 6 years ago from Central Georgia

Delightful read. Makes me think my problems aren't as bad as I thought. The next time I have a desk thrown at me (like tomorrow) I will think "It could be worse she could be throwing crap at me." Wait........ that is what the administration does.


donotfear profile image

donotfear 6 years ago from The Boondocks Author

Georgiakevin: I'm happy to contribute. I'll be throwing chunks a long time...


Art 4 life 6 years ago

Hi Friend...I personally think cow poop is easier to use as fertilizer..when I use horse poop, I get alot of weeds that come up from the grains in the poop...I make a cow poop tea bag and use it to water my garden with every year..( this darling recipe was given to me by a neighbor)...you take a burlap bag, fill it with cow poop, tie it off with rope, and then let it soak in an old barrel of water, for a few weeks, the resulting mixture is plant feritlizer deluxe...you will grow the biggest veggies you have ever seen...ok, enough about poop...I loved your story, it was full of humor and I was needing some today!


donotfear profile image

donotfear 6 years ago from The Boondocks Author

Okay, so I make cow dung tea. Now my dad told me once, way back when, "What are these @#$$^^ hippies gonna do next? Start smoking cow manure?" Wonder what would happen?


Veronica Allen profile image

Veronica Allen 6 years ago from Georgia

Oh my goodness! Although I feel for you and the plight you find yourself in, I must say I was laughing out loud as I read this. You have to be a great writer to be able to entertain others about bovine excrement! I must say, I learned a lot as well. I had no idea that there was such a huge difference between horse manure and bovine manure. I can see why the stuff gets on your nerves. Thanks for such a delightful read.


RedElf profile image

RedElf 6 years ago from Canada

I've been told I was full of crap, but I never expected to read a whole article devoted to it! Thanks for the great laugh! Nice to finally meet you!


Hello, hello, profile image

Hello, hello, 6 years ago from London, UK

You certainly gave me a laugh. Thank you. Great written hub.


Cari Jean profile image

Cari Jean 6 years ago from Bismarck, ND

While reading this I swear I actually started to smell manure! It took me right back to my grandpa's farm where both cow and horse crap were in abundance. I think one of the reasons horse poop is more spread out is because they can walk and poop at the same time whereas a cow just stands there and makes a messy pile.


donotfear profile image

donotfear 6 years ago from The Boondocks Author

I'm totally enchanted with the response I've received. That just goes to show you that spontaneous inspiration is most productive. All other is full of it....


SweetiePie profile image

SweetiePie 6 years ago from Southern California, USA

When I was growing up in the mountains there were people that allowed their cattle to graze on the back side of the mountain. You had to be carefully when hiking because often there would be cow paties around, and who wants to step in that!


Hokey profile image

Hokey 6 years ago from In the energy.

Your good. I can't believe that I just spent the last 10 minutes reading about poop and looking at pictures of poop. I was enjoying every minute of it. Oh yeah. I have performed the

flight of the patty myself. It's not fun. Thanks.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Great stuff and very funny indeed. Coming from the Channel Islands I have grown up with cows, (literally everywhere), but never considered the poo a problem. I also had a horse and goats, chickens etc, so have experienced many poo's in my time, (goats are best as they are like big rabbit droppings so rot down really quickly).

I have to agree with Art 4 Life above though, (in terms of cow manure being better for using as a fertiliser). The farmers over here dilute it down in huge amounts with water and then spray it all over the crop fields prior to Spring. An elderly farmer told me only a few weeks back that horse manure is not nearly as good because of the weeds that grow from within the poo itself.

Personally I recommend simply spreading the cow pats thickly on the veg plot and letting nature do the rest over time. Alternatively stack them up into a manure heap and the heat generated within will gradually rot them down to a usable texture.

Good luck, and thanks for the laughs :)


Nicks 6 years ago

This must go some way towards the most extraordinary Hub that I have ever read. I guess that it is absolute proof that people (like me) will read and comment on anything. Does this say anything about humanity - more probably than I would care to admit!


donotfear profile image

donotfear 6 years ago from The Boondocks Author

Thanks to you guys, Sweetie Pie, Hokey, Mistyhorizon, Nicks. Great encouragment for me as a writer and extrovert. Having a stinkin good time here.


50 Caliber profile image

50 Caliber 6 years ago from Arizona

Well let me cross the line, this was a funny hub, and the shittiest one I'll probably ever read ROFLMAO......

You could sponsor a cow pie throwing contest, as it is a sport amongst some. That way you could get people to pay you to throw your shit towards where ever you want it to end up. On Gramps dairy farm we just used a bucket on the tractor and piled it high and people came and paid for scoops of it and tilled it into their garden soil. It burns well and some cultures cook with it. what was left got diesel fuel poured on it and burned in the barn lot. I have heard of but never seen machines you pull with a 4 wheeler that scoops it and shreds it and then sprays it across a field. Google it there are many uses. Thanks for the laugh.


donotfear profile image

donotfear 6 years ago from The Boondocks Author

Thanks Caliber! You just cracked me up too! Wish I could get inspired to crumble up the cow dung, but it'n not in me. I'm an equine gal, not a bovine broad, remember?


Sarah H 6 years ago

Now I've heard everything! Never thought I'd read about cow manure in so detailed a manner.


stephensaldana profile image

stephensaldana 6 years ago from Chicago

Inimitable Hub!!!!!!!

The hub can be regarded as most intriguing hub. The comparison of the excreta of cow and horse is meticulously centrifuged and presented in superb way. Thanks a lot for providing such a magnificent peace of text. The clarity and balance shine from this hub.


50 Caliber profile image

50 Caliber 6 years ago from Arizona

donotfear, I prefer Horses my self. I also know that a horse won't eat where it shits. They are kinda smart that way! A cow will, so breaking up small paddocks of land, unless you have much acreage, then rotating bovine and equine to get all the use from the land works rather well. Just a serious thought on a funny Hub.Try this for a laugh.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bA13kF56biY


donotfear profile image

donotfear 6 years ago from The Boondocks Author

Caliber...!!! That video was hilarious! Thanks for sharing it. Reminds me of my own horse. Gentle as anything, but mark my words, every time I attempt to lift his hind leg, he farts on me!!


Shinkicker profile image

Shinkicker 6 years ago from Scotland

Hilarious!

My old dog had a use for cow-pats , he used to roll around in them.

Luckily the field had a river nearby so we'd chuck in a stick and the dumbell would jump in after it :-)


50 Caliber profile image

50 Caliber 6 years ago from Arizona

donotfear, I was searching to see if they had a clip I saw on the Funniest Animals show of a reporter talking to a Female horse Groomer while she was braiding a horses tail and right in the middle the Horse ripped a huge fart in their faces, it tore me up laughing, but horses will be horses and they are quite funny at times.

Shinkicker I had a dog that when turned out she would run straight out and find a wet cow pie and flop down and roll in it, a time when the doggie door was a bad thing. LOL


donotfear profile image

donotfear 6 years ago from The Boondocks Author

Hey Shinkicker and Caliber: Yall gotta good take on cow-doo doo. We have a dog, a Catahoola, that eats the horse hockie right after it shoots out the horses anus!! Fresh...he doesn't eat the cow patties yet, but I suspect that come spring, we gonna be seeing dog puke full of cow poo.


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 6 years ago from USA

DNF - Oh yes ! What a fun article ! AND - I see so many of my good Hubpages friends here that I am proud as punch (?) that I was attracted to read the whole thing. Back when my crew and I were planting trees, once in a while we did so on "cow fields." Lordy - those cow patties were our enemies for certain. Even so, my crazy brother-in-law did OK with the things. He liked to grow stuff in his garden, like vegetables, fruit, and things that one should never put on the open market. My Dad used to have a little garden. One of the things he grew was rhubarb, that nasty sour-tasting stuff with which some of the more demented among us structure pies. Problem - Dad's rhubarb was skinny and scrawny, kinda pencil-thin. He moved from his earlier home to near where "Ramondo" lived and gave Ray some of the plants from his earlier garden; that is, roots and all. Ray planted the things in his cow-patty blest garden. One day I arrived there. That was the day Ray decided to cook up a rhubarb pie. He went out to his garden, yanked up one solitary stalk of that abominably sour plant, chopped it up to overflowing his pie pan, and made the fattest rhubarb pie the world has ever seen ... and then had to toss out half of the stalk. That doggone thing was B I G. It looked a lot like one of those giant elephant ear plants. Cow patties, to most folks, are an abomination, but not to Ray. As to horse hockey, I cannot comment, either plus or minus. I do not go much for horses, neither frontside nor backside. The last time I was astride one of those critters, he decided that I was surplus weight and so he tossed me rather abruptly. His colon and its contents, or the expelling of them, did not concern me then, nor does it yet today.

Gus ;-)))


flread45 profile image

flread45 6 years ago from Montana

That white face cow looks as old as me..:)


Ivorwen profile image

Ivorwen 6 years ago from Hither and Yonder

I can't see horse poop without thinking of Micheal Martin Murphy's song 'Cowboy Reincarnation' - the line, "Slim, you ain't changed all that much!"

At least you live in the days when you don't have to cook with cow 'chips'. My grandmother use to gather the white ones for her wood/coal cook stove.


susanlang profile image

susanlang 6 years ago

Ha ha ha ha I always thought you were full of crap! Thanks for the humor today. I love that new picture you posted, is that you when you were younger or your daughter who's just as beautiful as you are.

oh.. I have new hubs up.


donotfear profile image

donotfear 6 years ago from The Boondocks Author

Thanks Susan! Glad I could make ya laugh. That new pic is me with my grandson on his 4th birthday.. I love my grandbabies. Thanks girl!


lang58 profile image

lang58 6 years ago

Since I spent part of my younger years living on a farm, I found this very funny. It sounds to me like you have your "crap" together... Thanks again, I really enjoyed this.


Irene 6 years ago

I had to laugh reading the article. We live in Texas on 10 acres and rent part of the land. They have 5 cows on our pasture. We just went out and hauled in two small truck load of cow poop to put in our garden. I was wondering what people going by thought when they saw us out there. At least none of them honked at us. It was fun. I am going to put it on my resume, that I am a fertilizer processor and spreader. I am just having too much fun getting this garden ready.


Harvey Stelman profile image

Harvey Stelman 6 years ago from Illinois

Dono,

Isn't cow pie tossing an Olympic event?


frogyfish profile image

frogyfish 6 years ago from Central United States of America

Amazing! Delightful! (?) Funny! Loved it! Thanks for sharing your ummm-mm thoughts! :-)


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia

Oh wow my first hub I read about poo, what a unique concept. I gave it a huge thumbs up it was dinky dinky di!!!


Micky Dee profile image

Micky Dee 6 years ago

Wow - you really know your shit. Somebody said you didn't know shit! They must be full of shit!


donotfear profile image

donotfear 6 years ago from The Boondocks Author

I'm so delighted that my detailed article on doo doo has drawn so much attention. I know crap.


GreenGoodsGuide profile image

GreenGoodsGuide 6 years ago from Lehigh Valley PA

Geez, I wish you could ship it to me, it's fabulous on the garden once it's composted! You can dig it out immediately after a rain, btw. Still a pain, but less of a pain.

You're right about the horse manure, but I've also found I get a lot of hay and oats growing in my garden when I've used it. ;-)


kygman 6 years ago

When I saw something about manure in the subject matter I thought it was going to be something about politics...BOTH parties! lol


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 6 years ago from Ohio

LOL....funny hub! Cow patties are redneck Frisbees. :)


Michael Shane profile image

Michael Shane 6 years ago from Gadsden, Alabama

Yep!, it's nasty but makes great fertiler! Unique hub!


Harry Chickpea 6 years ago

Not to poo poo your problems with cow dung, but you will think you are in sweet heaven if you pass a farm or three full of porkers and then get back into cattle country. :-)

Besides, have you ever noticed that stuff in a shed in the middle of a pasture never gets disturbed? ADT move over, your alarm systems are nothing compared to a bucolic mature bull in his minefield. Even the dumbest city-slicker perps figure out electric barbed wired fence (ouch) mine field of crusty leftovers (whoops) and bull defending territory. Put them together and you get

*SNORT*

sound of hoofbeats getting louder, RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! whoops, whoops, ouch, whoops, ouch!


donotfear profile image

donotfear 6 years ago from The Boondocks Author

I'm so glad to see that my tale of crap has enlightened the likes of GreenGoods, Kygman, Tom Cornet, Michael Shane and Harry Chickpea!!!! May you smell and go in peace.


mythbuster profile image

mythbuster 6 years ago from Utopia, Oz, You Decide

The Flight of the Pattie... excellent. I think I gave you your first "beautiful" vote lol Because of the pictures combined with these assertions: "See the final effect on the far right of the photo above? She how it's scattered and broken down into fertilizer? You can pick it up with your hands! You can also use it to start a fire, it's dry as a bone and works good when ignited properly." Made me want to run right out to the nearest farm and go pick up some horse poopies. lol NOT...

Awesome hub... I was wondering, at first why ANYONE would write about horse and cow poop on a hub... then I realized, no matter what your hub says, good or bad, people are going to question ME way more than you - for actually reading about poop. lol

*thumbsup*


donotfear profile image

donotfear 6 years ago from The Boondocks Author

mythbuster, I'm gald to have enlightened you again.

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