How To Appear Normal

Source

There are times in our lives when we have to at least appear to be a decent, normal, capable human being. We have to play the part, or at least attempt to be a normal contributor to mankind. We must utilize self control, and not blurt out the hackneyed jibberish which clutters our brains. This is important at times, as acting on our impulses could lead to awkward looks and eventually, isolation from society. To be blunt, there are many instances when being ourselves is not going to cut it.

Here are a few of those situations:

Job interviews

Job interviews are tricky. Anybody can appear normal on a resume, but when it comes time for a face to face, oh boy. Think long and hard before you speak, don't tell the truth!. And for Pete's sake, no drooling! When asked what your strengths are, avoid answers such as I can drive with my feet after drinking a six pack or how easily you can steal cable tv. Employers frown upon such feats.

First Dates

How you managed to get the date is irrelevant, but now you have to appear somewhat responsible, or at least functional. This could be big, you may actually find someone else who chews aluminum foil, but you'll never know if you don't make a great first impression.

If dinner is involved, avoid belching or passing gas, as this could end the date immediately. Once you're bloated and uncomfortable, eat slowly and chew your food before speaking. Hopefully this tactic will give you a chance to rethink all those inane things you want to say. Remember, no one cares about your hovercraft blog. Let the other person talk and try not to mention your mother's basement or your new video game.

Source

Where Normal Is Not Too Formal...

Shopping Trips to Walmart- One look at the people of walmart website and it is easy to see that anything goes here. Sizes are disregarded. Walmart is a magical place where a small becomes a large and elastic rules the roost. Underwear is optional, as are shoes, bras, belts, decency, and standards. Come one come all, and don't bother worrying about that pesky hole in the back of your shorts...you look good!

Talking To the Police

Oh boy, just calm down. When asked what happened, try not to let your emotions get the better of you. Let's see, it was you, your cousin, and that son of a b---- STOP. Haven't you seen Cops? Take a breath and stay calm. Now explain to the officer, with as much self control as you can muster, that your girlfriend stole your last cigarette and that she already owed you money for the meth. Be courteous and pleasant to the officer and he may loosen up those handcuffs.

Easy does it. Chances are you're going to jail anyway, perhaps if you're nice the kind officer will allow you to put your teeth back in your mouth before putting you in the squad car.

News Interviews

First and foremost, please, please, try to decline the interview. It's become all too evident that the local news channels will travel hundreds of miles to only the most remote and exotic trailer parks to find someone wearing overalls. From there, they will proceed to utilize exactly 4 seconds of that interview on the air. If you do agree to be interviewed, wear a shirt and try to use complete sentences when explaining the UFO. Be clear and concise when giving details of the probing, because there's a good chance you will go viral...

Applying For A Loan

They used to just hand these things out, all you needed was a pulse. This is no more. No, today, you have to prove that you can repay the money lent to you. Un American? Yes, but these are the rules. When applying for a loan, try to present yourself as responsible, and just for giggles, hardworking. That two digit credit score? A misunderstanding, you now know that a credit card has to be paid down, and the reasons for a credit limit. Dress nice and leave your firearms at home. So many rules!

The Doctor's Office

Try your darndest to shower before your visit. Next, extinguish your cigarette before walking in. Lastly, be sure to cover the rash. The key here is not to stand out in the waiting room. Although if people leave you may get in quicker. But still, tread carefully, it is best not to cause panic. Check in at the window and have a seat. Use the restroom if needed but do not under any circumstances announce upon returning that it felt like you were pissing razor blades. Quietly find your seat, and do not hit on pregnant women. Maybe just pick up a magazine.

Parent/Teacher Conference

We all know that Jr.'s a great kid--that smoldering church notwithstanding--but his teacher has some concerns about his classroom behavior. You may be asked about Jr's life at home. Do not view these questions as a persoanal attack, but rather a chance to influence Jr's instructor on what a great parent you can be. Once again, deep breaths. Do not invite the teacher to step outside. Remember where that got you last time? (See Talking To the Police). Listen to the tearcher's suggestions, even though helping Jr. with homework would really cut into your pro wrestling viewing and you aren't about to let that happen. Nod and swallow the urge to make desparaging remarks. Schools usually look down upon violence, and this could only harm Jr's relationship with his teacher. Do it for the kid.

Being Normal Is Easy!

Now that wasn't so bad. With the help of these tips, you should be appearing normal in no time, masking all of your quirks and habits until you can strip back down to your underwear in the privacy of your own home. With some work, you may be able to pass for normal on a daily basis. A good rule of thumb is behave the exact opposite of guests of the Jerry Springer show. Remember, take it one step at a time, you can't do it all in one day. Best of luck!


Quick Reference

Situation
Normal
You're Doing It Wrong
Naming Child
Jackson, Juan, Joe...etc.
Axe, Batman,Trigger
Dinner Attire
Business Casual
Football Jersey, Wife Beater,Cape
Taking Kid To See Santa
Waiting in line, taking pictures, laughing
Getting into fist fight with other parents
Pumping Gas
Insert nozzle, fill car while gazing at traffic with faraway look on face
Scream at kids in car seat, leave music blasting obscenities for all to hear, smoke cigarette.
Taking call in public
Whisper into phone while walking outdoors or away from others.
Take call, yelling as though auditioning for a role in the movie Twister. Threaten those with the nerve to look at you.
Going to court
Suit, tie, button up shirt, at least a polo shirt.
I hate pigs t-shirt

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Comments 35 comments

MarloByDesign profile image

MarloByDesign 5 years ago from United States

Voted FUNNY and UP. LOL "...and try to take a shower before your visit." You are hilarious!


no mac salad 5 years ago

Ha, this is funny. It's good to see the lighter side of life. You're right, there is too much gloom and doom. Thanks. . .


Alecia Murphy profile image

Alecia Murphy 5 years ago from Wilmington, North Carolina

I would add the break rooms at work. You never fail to meet somebody who seems a few fries short of a total happy meal but you're totally right people of walmart took away the unkempt swag of many Americans.


weestro profile image

weestro 5 years ago from Virginia Author

Thanks Marlo, you would hope people do!

Thanks for reading no mac, glad you enjoyed it!

I try to stay away from the break rooms Alecia, Walmart can be downright scary...thanks for commenting!


Don Bobbitt profile image

Don Bobbitt 5 years ago from Ruskin Florida

Funny and entertaining. I voted it UP and I am now a follower. good Stuff!


time2rite 5 years ago

Oh my gosh, I laughed through the whole article! This was great and I voted "Up"! I'm going to try my level best to conduct myself in a manner unworthy of Jerry Springer on this site, lol! Love this and thanks for the useful info and laughs!


Victoria Lynn profile image

Victoria Lynn 5 years ago from Arkansas, USA

Love it, weestro! Voted up, funny, awesome, and iteresting. A really fun read. And so true, so true. It's great to have a useful (oh, voted that one, too!) hub that's also funny! I love a sense of humor.


FloraBreenRobison profile image

FloraBreenRobison 5 years ago

Definitely don't act bizarre around the police. They may think you need to be arrested.


weestro profile image

weestro 5 years ago from Virginia Author

Thanks Don, I appreciate it!

Glad you enjoyed it time2rite, all you can do is try!

Thanks for the votes Victoria!

I think that's the most important lesson Flora!


jenubouka 5 years ago

This was too much I can't stop laughing. So very true, I think those Wal-Mart pictures were taken from one the stores in my town....


weestro profile image

weestro 5 years ago from Virginia Author

Some of them are truly hard to believe jenubouka!


rebeccamealey profile image

rebeccamealey 5 years ago from Northeastern Georgia, USA

You are hilarious. Enjoyed this one!


Gerg profile image

Gerg 5 years ago from California

Hold on, I'm trying to write all this down on my forearm with a sharpie ...

Once again, awesome weestro!


tswilson profile image

tswilson 5 years ago from United States

Definitely got my funny vote. Good point on Walmart, that is why I always where my best suit whenever I go there....jk


weestro profile image

weestro 5 years ago from Virginia Author

Thanks guys, glad you enjoyed it, don't sniff the sharpie Gerg! Great idea tswilson!


TheNewCinders 5 years ago

Brilliant...all moments to feel completely out of depth. I don't think I will ever make it to normal!


weestro profile image

weestro 5 years ago from Virginia Author

You and me both Cinders! Thanks for reading and commenting!


princesswithapen profile image

princesswithapen 4 years ago

Haha! It's amusing how typical places and situations like first dates, interviews, visits to the doctors and a few others can make us conscious or even nervous to a certain extent. I'm sure a lot of us can relate to these things. Very funny and nicely written.

Princesswithapen


weestro profile image

weestro 4 years ago from Virginia Author

Thanks princess, I get so nervous at interviews it's ridiculous, I would never hire me!

Thanks for commenting!


fornalina profile image

fornalina 4 years ago from Poznan, Poland

I really hate to act normal and I really suck at it. When I try (and nowadays it happens more and more frequently) I became all nervous and I don't know what to do because being normal is the thing I know absolutely nothing about.

It's a bit sad that you can't always be yourself, that you have to act.


weestro profile image

weestro 4 years ago from Virginia Author

Be yourself and you should be fine! Thanks for reading fornalina!


Millionaire Tips profile image

Millionaire Tips 4 years ago from USA

Funny and entertaining. there certainly are a lot of places that you have to pretend, I mean be, respectable or at least normal.


weestro profile image

weestro 4 years ago from Virginia Author

I try to at least act right! Thanks for reading Millionaire!


moonfairy profile image

moonfairy 4 years ago

OMG, my husband is wondering what the hell I'm laughing so loud about. Love your style of writing!!!!!!!!!!!


weestro profile image

weestro 4 years ago from Virginia Author

Glad you enjoyed it moonfairy, thanks!


nemanjaboskov profile image

nemanjaboskov 4 years ago from Serbia

You have managed to cover a lot of things we have all been through, and that is really hard to do. Appearing normal is crucial in many situations, and I often forget about this when I am in public :)


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD

Thank you for these great tips. I have a tough time remaing normal even on the best of days. But you are right. Sometimes I just need to fake it. Thanks!

Voted up and shared!


WD Curry 111 profile image

WD Curry 111 4 years ago from Space Coast

I am printing this out and putting it on the fridge next to the poem about two sets of footprints.

I had to laugh about the news interview. We had military and NASA cut backs a few years ago, and the Orlando news sent a crew over to a local grub joint to ask around about how it would effect the town's economy. There is was a strip club (Tootsies) nearby. When the reporter went around our table, I had to get cute, "Tootsies will be hurting."

Don't you know I caught flack when they used my line as they faded into a shot of the Tootsies employees filing into work.


Marcy Goodfleisch profile image

Marcy Goodfleisch 4 years ago from Planet Earth

So funny! And actually pretty useful tips - what an art, to write humor with purpose behind it! Up and funny!


weestro profile image

weestro 4 years ago from Virginia Author

These are tips I live by Jeannie, and I often have to fake it!

Good stuff WD Curry, you were only being honest!

Thanks Marcy, I appreciate it!


Sooner28 4 years ago

Very amusing. Voted up and sharing.


weestro profile image

weestro 4 years ago from Virginia Author

Thanks Sooner, glad you enjoyed it!


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

I had a friend who was what I called a perfectionist. Everything she did was ALWAYS organized, praised, and perfect without failure. Why couldn't I do that at least most of the time? I really tried, I think.

One day I had a heart-to-heart with Mrs. Perfect because she knew all of the answers to anyone's problems. She finally confided in me that she was having just as many problems as I, and she named a few. I was shocked beyond description, but relieved. For some reason misery does love company. I concluded that our main difference was that she was perfect at pretending that everything was well with her. I soon realized that I was quite normal and so was she. She merely acted as if all was well in order not to involve others in her personal problems. Truthfully, our conversation was the beginning of my healing process, as I had been allowing problems I could not cure to cause me much stress.

I get your point, though. Just because Johnny curses better than anyone in the community when he is overjoyed does not mean that he should not make great effort to refrain from doing it when he sees his brother crossing the stage to pick up his diploma.

This is a funny hub, but the main point and advice are serious and useful.


weestro profile image

weestro 3 years ago from Virginia Author

I'm not sure I follow, but thanks for reading!


chaitanyasaivb profile image

chaitanyasaivb 2 years ago from INDIA

I completely agree with your words. Even, I always used to be normal, all the time, even though, I have some problems.

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