How To Become A Rock Star
Start off by being a nobody. Keep to yourself mostly, with a small group of friends you deem equally unusual. You are all individuals but are somehow all the same. Don't shower every day and grow your hair long until you strangely resemble your sister.
Buy a cheap guitar and small amp, and hang out in record stores and garages with your group of friends, making what you think is the best music you have ever heard.
Keep your door closed and don't talk to you parents for weeks at a time. When you know you should be doing school work, blast your GNR until your dad pounds on your door for you to turn it down. Wait patiently until his hand bruises. He will go away eventually.
You are sent home from school today for not wearing shoes and having too many tattoos. You can't seem to attract any type of girl, except the ones who don't own mirrors. You don't mind so much.
You plan on going through the motions until you're old enough to drop out. Explain to your teachers that it doesn't matter what your grades are, you are going to become a rock star. Arrogance and confidence are key. Sometimes, be an asshole. You don't buy into conformity, unless being an asshole is cool that week.
Once you escape the shrouded wings of your parents, move into a trashy apartment in downtown Los Angeles. Bring a few friends who can double as your band mates and roadies at the same time. Occasionally start a fight with one of them. Write songs about it.
Submit your draft of a demo tape to a record company. Get rejected for the first time. Act out by getting arrested and have one of your band mates/roadies bail you out. Write songs about it.
Submit your second demo tape to a different record company. Get rejected for the second time. Work at McDonald's for several months to make money for more studio time and meet new people. Talk only of your new band and do anything to promote it. Throw a party in your garage and play for your new coworkers. With your first few paychecks, buy a good amount of studio time. Write songs about your struggle to become a rock star.
Submit your third demo tape to yet another record company. They sign you only if you promise to clean up your act. You agree but laugh on the inside. They will learn to like it.
Record your first album with your songs, your friends' songs, and some of the record company's songs. Critics will not like your first album, so you get drunk and write songs about the pain.
Release a new single that everyone loves. Sell 10 million copies in the first week. Celebrate with your friends, band mates, and roadies, meeting new people and groupies at every stop. Waste away a good chunk of your life living off the money you made from your hit single. Spend all your money, sacrifice steady relationships with people for sporadic relationships with drugs and alcohol. Be a bigger person and check yourself into rehab, coming out a revitalized person.
Write more songs and collaborate with old friends, releasing a new album under a new name. Tour across the country on a crowded, stuffy tour bus, stopping between shows only to use the bathroom. Perform horribly at first stage show, witnessing everything go wrong that can, but progressively get better as the tour continues.
As a newly famed rock star, learn that all those years of illegally downloading music has actually come back to bite you in the ass. Record sales are down and your manager is hounding you for better material.
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