How the hair in my drain is like the curve of our ever-expanding universe
An Expositive Postulation by G.F. Dunnigan
It is a well known fact that when Columbus discovered America, he made the unwitting mistake of letting all the Indians escape from the flight deck of the Mayflower and that it was these escaped Indians that wiped out both the mastodons and several helpless strains of small pox. If it wasn’t for these so called “red men”, the great nation in which this paper is currently being written might still have been rich with pox-riddled mastodons and wild disease blankets made fat and delicious from overfeeding. But, times such as these are long past now, and as my own Grandfather once so elegantly put it– rent a dollar, and get back a hat.
Yes, rent a dollar and get back a hat. Few statements have had more truth or validity for the common man or the atomic scientist than this lowly combination of seemingly mismatched words. Attributed to King Ogelvie of Diddlezwhisterificnecrolatinsquashtinstaff (a barbarian ninja priest warrior monk prince of the third dynasty), these words predate text messaging by several months, (perhaps more) and have been carbon-dated to a period that perhaps even predates the entire network of large trucks and tubes that we know as the conglomerate entity of the internets today. How this could possibly be true, only the annals of science in their grand vowel movements may say. I for one, am not convinced. My own research indicates that these words are merely three centuries of age, and were perhaps among the “high fallutin” terms spoken in the House of Commons as part of the legal proceedings for an insolent drunk.
Dr. Helmut Fitzer of the Arcadian university for Dogmatic Health is well known as the man who has been following the migratory routes of wild A6M Zeroes (Mitsubishi breed) since the fall of the early modern period of the Roman Empire’s foray into Hedonism and the English Language, and it is his work as a rogue visionary for Stalin which sheds incredible new light on the theory of Impact Change and the wave model for hitting things repeatedly with hammers and knives. “Egalitarian!” cry his opponents, but this is no Marxist polyp into which to pour your tears– armed with the dice and cockerels of political saavy, Dr. Helmut Fitzer stands undefeated atop a bleeding and burning mountain of his own felled academic opponents, challenging all that would stand against his conclusions to a battle of sticks and gloves. Rent a dollar and get back a hat, indeed, Dr. Fitzer.
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