How to Drive Traffic to Your Pages

DANG IT!

This article has been afflicted with spammy elements. HubPages delisted it from Google. I worked so hard to limit product capsules, but evidently three of them is too many.

Surely it would be nice if HubPages actually explained how many is too many. Guessing games are no fun.

UPDATE: Evidently 300 words are necessary for each product capsule. Today I strenuously attempt to reach that standard!

You want readers?

We all want readers. Without readers our articles become idle paranoid ramblings. With readers our articles are widely distributed idle paranoid ramblings. We want to be talked about, discussed around the water cooler, and hidden behind proxy servers when the NSA comes calling.

You, gentle reader, can have all this and more. You simply need to learn tips, tricks, and subtleties sufficient to drive readers to your articles. This article is here to help. Don't say we didn't try to help.

Simply read onward. Secrets of the Ya Ya Readership shall be revealed to you and your eyeballs. Over 700 words patiently await your consumption. Go back and read it again if you don't believe me.

This is the thoughtful contemplative reader that none of us want anything to do with.
This is the thoughtful contemplative reader that none of us want anything to do with. | Source

Prod 'em

Reluctant readers insisting on browsing Reddit or HuffingtonPost.com can usually be reeducated. A few applications of this handy cattle prod retrains wayward eyeballs. Direct folks to your well-crafted compositions and keep them away from liberal effluence so prevalent on other sites.

Your fans will never stray. In the back of their minds the gentle reminder of thousands of volts will keep them coming back to you and your words. Nothing convinces a sentient human to open HubPages.com more effectively than manually operated electrical transfer devices. It's not a threat: it's an EMF gradient between ungrounded conductive entities. We all have potential and this handy little contrivance increases potential, which is a pretty funny Electrical Engineering joke if you're into that genre.

Provide a Router

In order to access your online ramblings your readers must get online. This can be accomplished through an open WiFi connection at Starbucks but they go home smelling like overpriced coffee and pretension.

Rather than venture outdoors, your readers prefer a cup of microwaved instant Sanka and a basket of Keebler chocolate chip cookies. Such refreshments, combined with an Internet router, provide pleasant Saturday afternoons on the couch. You, gentle writer, should be the benefactor of the router. As the saying goes: "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give a man a router and he will download pictures of fish until he starves."

Should you find yourself in possession of Information Technology skills consider providing specially programmed routers. Any well-rounded 6th grader can show you how to 'adjust' DNS settings such that Google.com routes to HubPages.com/~you. It can be done and it's probably being done to you right now, but not by me. I promise.

Pick them up in a Porsche

No one expects a Spanish Inquisition, or a Porsche. Image burbling up to the curb as your dear reader struggles to start their 1981 Chevette. Imagine their surprise as you casually lower the passenger-side window to reveal yourself and your articles.

No one will resist you and your classic German sports car. Embedded deeply in the DNA of all online readers are Porsche genes. Some of us adore Lamborghini, some of us lust after Ferrari. All of us posses innate cravings focused on the brainchildren of Ferdinand Porsche.

Helpful Hint: have your online articles prepared onto audio CDs. When you pick up a dear reader subtly shove the CD into your Blaupunkt in-dash player. This completes the experience. A normal human traversing this little blue marble we call Earth will offer no resistance whatsoever.


How are we doing so far?

So far you've been regaled with no less than three various and sundry strategies for driving traffic to your hubs. These items have been filled with whimsy, packed with subtle wit, and highly useful. Next time you find yourself on Amazon, slide out a credit card to purchase one or more.

I'm here to help, but I can't help you unless you help yourself to a heaping helping of products. We all want readers. I want readers almost as much as you want readers. The trick is following through on these successfully innovative product suggestions. There are also other tricks but unless you show me you can handle even basic online purchasing instructions, no other tricks shall be forthcoming. I mean, why expend unnecessary keystrokes?

Conclusion

Dearly love, I would, to continue regaling you with stuff to buy. Sadly, HubPages threatens to feature my article only if it's mostly bereft of spammy elements. I understand your disappointment. The actual minimum count of spammy elements remains mysterious, but hopefully the minimal number of product capsules proffered herein will not cause digital censorship: Google needs to know about this article.

Rather than offering additional eminently useful projects, I turn to my conclusion. In conclusion I suggest that you can drive readers to your site through deployment of strategically selected purchases of products. Use your credit card or PayPal account to achieve maximum readership. I know I will.

I now understand how I might drive readers to my pages

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A markerreader -
Reader House, 18 Medlar St, Camberwell, London SE5 0JF, UK
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Comments 14 comments

tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 11 months ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door

"idle paranoid ramblings"

You got that right! If you want to know more about paranoid people, don't just read their Hub Pages, follow them around. I do. My doctor reckons I'm paranoid (he didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it. I wonder how many other people he told).

Like I went into Barnes and Noble and asked if they have any books on Paranoia. The assistant beckoned me closer, looked left and right then whispered, "They're behind you."

But that's nothing, I was walking home last night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo... in morse code.

Great Hub page Nicomp! Like most Hubbers I suffer from paranoia, and it doesn't help when I come online and go to a site and it says "There's 686 of you looking at this page." So I never look at my statistics.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 11 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@tsadjatko : Yikes, are we related?

I have extra aluminum foil if you run out. Don't turn your back on anyone!


tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 11 months ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door

I'm wondering the real reason you aimed that comment at me?


nicomp profile image

nicomp 11 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@tsadjatko : What comment?


Jodah profile image

Jodah 11 months ago from Queensland Australia

Good hub, now I know how to get traffic, nicomp, and where I have been going wrong all this time. Oh, it is supposedly one ad capsule per 100 words as long as the product are directly related. That being said I find that if I have more than two product capsules on any hub it seems to be un-featured.


drbj profile image

drbj 11 months ago from south Florida

As a sentient ungrounded conductive entity, I thoroughly enjoyed every pearl of wisdom, nicomp. More, more, more!


nicomp profile image

nicomp 11 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Jodah Indeed I used to believe the 100 words per ad capsule and I adhered to it fervently. As you wrote, that no longer applies if we don't want to be delisted.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 11 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@drbj You are so nice!


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 11 months ago

I think spam is yummy and I find traffic tedious!


nicomp profile image

nicomp 11 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@breakfastpop: I like eating spam in traffic.


aviannovice profile image

aviannovice 11 months ago from Stillwater, OK

Don't forget your cop directing your traffic. I used to dance while directing, and it caused more people to come to the intersection, just for the show.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 11 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@aviannovice Can I buy cops on Amazon? Dancing cops?


aviannovice profile image

aviannovice 11 months ago from Stillwater, OK

Maybe dancing bear dolls...


nicomp profile image

nicomp 11 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@aviannovice that's not a spammy element.

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