How to Hide Your Smut
Are you a compulsive smut-reader? Can you just not get enough of greasy, second-rate literature that has more references to body parts than any semblance of a plot structure?
Are you embarrassed and ashamed of this habit of yours and don't want others to know about it, but can't bring yourself to toss out your collection?
Don't worry, I have a list of solutions for this very problem.
How to Hide Your Smut Around the House:
Hide your smut in the bathroom.
Put your smutty book between the folds of one of the towels in the cupboard. Make sure it's a towel that only you use. If you want to ensure that no one else will use the towel, and that your secret smut stash will remain safe, paint some suspicious, organic-colored streaks onto the fabric of the towel and no one will go near it.
Use alternate book jackets taken from more innocent books.
Sometimes the best place to hide your smutty books is on an actual bookshelf. This requires a disguise, however. Get a hardcover copy of a self-help book (preferably one by Dr. Phil) and take the jacket off your own copy of Maka-Maka, then slip the more innocent jacket on as a disguise. Differences in the sizes of the books might be a problem, but people are unlikely to notice if it's smooshed between other books in a shelf.
Try to pick a book no guest is likely to pick up and try to read when left to their own devices. A book like Tess of the d'Urbervilles, for example, may be overkill, but it will all but guarantee that no one will notice your smut.
Hide your smut in the refrigerator, making it look like a sandwich.
If the book is small enough, fit it between two slices of Wonder Bread and put it in a little baggie. Adding lettuce and condiments between the bread and the book will further obscure your smut. The only problem is that every few days, the condiments and bread will have to be replaced to avoid rot.
Under tables, by taping the smutty books/magazines along the underside.
No one looks directly at the underside of a table, or ever notices it unless they are wiping their fingers after picking their nose. And if someone does that and indeed happens to find your smut, you can easily get them to keep it a secret by declaring that you'll tell everyone they're a nose-picker.
Hiding your digitized smut:
On a computer
Sometimes saucy literature does not come in print format and you must find ways to hide it from people who share your same machine. The easiest way to do this on a PC is to set all the files of your digitized smut to "hidden," or to save the files in some system folder no one looks in.
Whatever you do, though, don't save it in a folder on the desktop marked "Porn." Just in case you thought about doing that.
On a graphing calculator
If the graphing calculator allows alphabetic characters, hide your smut as a program on the calculator. You might want to take some light security measures, though, so that someone can't easily run the program unknowingly, thinking it's something else, and come across your smut. A simple password feature will usually suffice.
Your program might look something like (in pseudocode):
Start Program HiddenSmut
Prompt for Password
If Password = [password]
Then Print "[your smut]"
On a Nintendo DS
Get an alternate operating system for the DS, like Moonshell, that allows for e-books. Upload your smut onto the DS and no one has to know that you're not playing Mario (unless they look at the screen).
The value of learning a foreign language that doesn't use roman letters for the sole purpose of hiding your smut-reading habits from people
Ultimately the easiest way to get away with reading smut and having no one know (even in public) is to just live in a Western country, but only read smut written in a language that uses non-Western characters.
Japan, in particular, produces a lot of literature, a certain percentage of which is smutty as all heck. Because of the shear availability of smutty material in this language, I would recommend it as the language of choice to acquire solely for the purpose of covertly reading adult material in plain view of a puritanical society.
Or you could just read your smut openly and unashamed, not caring what other people think.
But where's the fun in that?
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