Satire: How to NOT Get Along With People

If Your Life is too Smooth

A satiric explanation of how to get along with people.

So, do you find that your life is a bit too smooth? That you need to add some excitement? One well-tested method of adding some interest is to learn how NOT to get along with people. Adding some conflict to your life will give you unpredictability, drama and definitely keep you from getting bored! What follows are five easy steps to not getting along with people, and ruining your relationships. I am pretty sure you will have success with these, but if you don't, I am guessing you must have pretty patient people in your life!

Watching Football

Thank you to buildscharacter for use of this photo
Thank you to buildscharacter for use of this photo | Source

1. Always Assume the Worst

Assuming the worst is one of the most effective ways to harm a perfectly good relationship. After all, people become what you say about them. Assume bad things about them, and pretty soon, that you will get. How do you implement this strategy? Quite simple! Whatever they are doing, always assume it is for the worst possible reasons. And if you're not sure, don't ask. Just assume. This will work wonders in wrecking your relationships!

For example, your husband always watches Monday Night Football? Always has? Just assume it's because he's avoiding you, and not because he loves football. Let him know that you know what he's up to, and insist he turn it off! Or your best friend hasn't called in two weeks? Assume it's because she's mad at you, and when she calls, give her a piece of your mind! Never mind that her boss has made her work overtime all last week!

Remember, when assuming the worst, that it's all about you! And never give anyone a chance to explain. Do this, and you're well on your way to not getting along with people!

We will talk about this!

Image by Jesslee Cuizon
Image by Jesslee Cuizon | Source

2. Never Give Up!

Now, you've been told many times to "never give up," right? This advice can also be applied when learning not to get along with people.

This means always pushing someone to talk about things when they don't want to! For example, your boyfriend doesn't want to talk about his ex-girlfriend, but you do. Don't just let it go, and leave it for later. No, push the issue until he gets mad. This is sure to work, in your goal to create conflict! 

And if your friend said something to offend you, don't forget it, and accept an apology! Keep asking her why she said it, and keep telling her how wrong she was! Don't give up on making her feel bad ... and you will soon be on your way to helping to create more conflict, and more excitement in your life!

Coming Home

Image by Stangls
Image by Stangls | Source

3. Learn the Art of Bad Timing

Now, this is a fine skill, but is best achieved if you are willing to think only about your own needs. The art of bad timing is learning how to bring things up within a relationship at the worst possible time, so that the other person will react poorly to what you are saying. That way, any potential conflict that may be there, is amplified by the added stresses they are already under.

The classic example of doing this is bringing up any problems you have with your spouse, as soon as they get home, before giving them any time to unwind, or let go of the pressures of their day. This is sure to lead to bad relationships, and create some conflict for you. In short, don't worry about timing, and just say things whenever and whatever you feel like.

Best friend just get fired? Great time to show them your new car! At your girlfriend's parents for the first time? Good time to tell them you are planning on dropping out of high school! I am sure you can think of many examples, of ways to use bad timing, and this will help tremendously in your quest to not get along with people.


I'm Sorry, by Tracy Chapman

I Won't Tell

Image by Katie Tegtmeyer
Image by Katie Tegtmeyer | Source

4. Never Say You're Sorry

"Love means never having to say you're sorry" is a famous quote from the movie, "Love Story." To ruin your relationships, take this one to heart. Don't ever say you're sorry, because you don't have to. Just blame the other person for everything, and don't look at yourself. This can work at home, at the job, and with friends. It works even better if you blame someone else for what you do. For example, if your boss reprimands you for a mistake, don't take responsibility, and blame your coworker.

5. Tell Little Lies

Now, the last way of not getting along with people is probably the best at ruining all the relationships, because it deals with trust. The key foundation for all relationships is trust, and telling lies is the very best way to undermine that trust. The lies don't even necessarily have to be big ones, or important ones, but just need to be untrue enough that the person is never sure if they can completely trust you!

An example of a little lie you could tell your wife is that you are going to work, but you are actually going over to your friends to hang out for a while. Granted, you are not doing anything wrong, but the point is, if she finds out, it will keep her on her toes! And she will start to feel insecure and probably angry with you. Then, you can counter by telling her that she is controlling, a great way to really escalate the argument!

Telling lies is the master strategy for not getting along with people, and if you get really good at it, you may even move into bigger lies, and be able to turn your whole life into one big chaotic mess ... if you keep at it long enough.


Recap

Let's recap these five strategies, so that you don't forget.

1. Always Assume the Worst

2. Never Give Up!

3. Learn the Art of Bad Timing

4. Don't Ever Say You're Sorry

5. Tell Little Lies

You may have to learn these strategies one at at time, but as you become better at them, you can probably try them all together, for maximum effectiveness. I wish you all the best in your quest to not get along with people!


NOTE: ALL ADVICE GIVEN TONGUE-IN-CHEEK. DO THE OPPOSITE OF THIS, AND YOU WILL GET ALONG WITH PEOPLE!

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Which one of these Have You Done the Most? (If any?)

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34 comments

Maria Cecilia profile image

Maria Cecilia 6 years ago from Philippines

I found this one really unique and funny... but no thanks hahahaha... I guess I'm over to that episode in my life Smooth sailing life is just starting, but I will try to look at this depending on the situation


prairieprincess profile image

prairieprincess 6 years ago from Canada Author

Thank you so much, Maria! I know what you mean ... who needs that kind of excitement, right?


Maria Cecilia profile image

Maria Cecilia 6 years ago from Philippines

prairee I guess I've done all of those in the past hahahah


prairieprincess profile image

prairieprincess 6 years ago from Canada Author

Maria, ha ha! Me too! At one time I did, and then hopefully, I grew up a bit! But that's how I can write about it ... from experience! I was so bad at grabbing my husband first thing when he came home....accckk!


Lady Wordsmith profile image

Lady Wordsmith 6 years ago from Lancaster, UK

I had a friend who did all of these things, for over 25 years. She is no longer my friend, as of this year - and my word, what a relief. I've never ended a friendship before, and was reluctant to do it (as you can see - I put up with her for 25 years!), but it's such a liberating thing to do!

Don't think I'll end any more friendships though - I love all of my remaining friends :)

Linda.


smarty2pop profile image

smarty2pop 6 years ago

This is without a doubt one of the best articles I have read, simple put funny, yet true. Thanks for the good read.


kashmir56 profile image

kashmir56 6 years ago from Massachusetts

Great hub,i know a few people like that.

Awesome hub prairieprincess!!!


prairieprincess profile image

prairieprincess 6 years ago from Canada Author

Lady, thank you so much for the comment. Yes, it sounds like you were one of those "patient people" in her life, but that kind of behaviour really can make it hard to remain friends. It sounds like you gave it your best, though!

Smarty, thank you so much for your comment. I really appreciate your support. Have a great night, and take care!

Kashmir, nice to see you! Thanks so much, and have a good night!


FloBe profile image

FloBe 6 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

Yikes! Not the kind of excitement I want in my life :) I will definitely apply the opposite to have a smooth and event-free life. Although, I had a friend who got an adrenaline rush from creating conflict--it was like an addiction to her. I just couldn't handle it after a while and she lost me too. It's too bad really because she was an interesting person and could have been a great friend. You're right on in saying that if you do those 5 things that you will destroy your relationships!


prairieprincess profile image

prairieprincess 6 years ago from Canada Author

Ha ha, Flobe! I'm with you ... this is not the kind of excitement you need in your life. It's tongue-in-cheek, of course, but just wanted to make the points in a different way.

Wow, that must have been hard to have a friend like that. And interesting that you wanted to be her friend, but you couldn't, if she acted like that. That's the thing ... this kind of behaviour pushes people away, making it impossible to get close to them.

Take care, Flobe, and have a great holiday!


quincyruffin profile image

quincyruffin 5 years ago from Tracy, CA

That is funny. You have humor in the bag.


prairieprincess profile image

prairieprincess 5 years ago from Canada Author

Quincy, thanks so much! Glad if I can make you chuckle.


Mark Ewbie profile image

Mark Ewbie 5 years ago from Euroland

I like it very much PP. Funny but with a message - the perfect combination.


prairieprincess profile image

prairieprincess 5 years ago from Canada Author

Hi Mark, thank you so much for your comment and for stopping by. Take care!


SJerZGirl 5 years ago

Wow - I can see me and a few other people in this article!


prairieprincess profile image

prairieprincess 5 years ago from Canada Author

SJerZGirl, I think we've all done at least one of these things at one point in our life, haven't we? I know I have! And then afterwards, we can kind of think, "yikes, what was I thinking?" :)


Lisa Healy profile image

Lisa Healy 5 years ago from New York

Very funny! I really enjoyed your hub.


prairieprincess profile image

prairieprincess 5 years ago from Canada Author

Hey, Lisa! Thank you. I am glad you enjoyed it. Take care!


Happyboomernurse profile image

Happyboomernurse 5 years ago from South Carolina

I love the tongue in cheek, humorous way you got your point across in this hub. I found myself laughing out loud at some of them and cringing at others knowing that many moons ago, I too, had been guilty of some of this conflict creating behavior. Am voting this one up across the board! What a fun way to learn how we should act through seeing the foolishness of how we shouldn't act!!


dahoglund profile image

dahoglund 5 years ago from Wisconsin Rapids

I think I probably had a few of my own when I was young, especially in the dating situations,mostly in being plainly stupid in this regard.I had a way of insulting or hurting people without meaning to.


prairieprincess profile image

prairieprincess 5 years ago from Canada Author

@HB Nurse, thank you so much for the votes and your kind words. Yes, I think we all have those "cringe-worthy" moments in our history! We are human, after all. Take care and thanks again for the great comment.

@Dah, thank you for the comment. We learn from our mistakes, right? Or at least, hopefully, we do! Take care.


zoeyclark profile image

zoeyclark 5 years ago

Hey, this is zoey from Digg. Loved your article, the sense of humor is just my cup of tea. Although when it comes to relationships, I have to say sometimes I do assume the worst. Don't worry, I don't share the cynicism with the boyfriend.;)

P.S. I would love to add one more point to your list: Act like House. All the time :)


prairieprincess profile image

prairieprincess 5 years ago from Canada Author

Zoey, nice to see you! Yes, House kind of epitomizes the bad relationship guy! Ha ha! I'm glad you enjoyed the humour and the article. It's easy to assume the worst sometimes, isn't it? Cause sometimes the worst is true but when then again, sometimes it isn't!

Again, thanks for stopping by. I have read your blog but didn't realize you were on HP, too.


Dedmoroz 4 years ago

I laughed when I got to "The Art of Bad Timing" lol.

A very entertaining hub, Prairie.


Serena Gabriel 4 years ago

This is so funny! Okay, there's on thing I would modify... if you are in a relationship with a guy and he keeps pressuring you to tell him anything about a past relationship, never admit to having one! No matter what you say, it will be used against you in different ways. I had an ex who basically used the information as his rationale for rape. And, another who just sulked and cried if I admitted to even talking to another man - like you have to do when you have a job, you know. So, sometimes you have to lie in a relationship to save your own skin!

Great piece! Voting up and accolades!


Dawn Conklin profile image

Dawn Conklin 4 years ago from New Jersey, USA

Funny hub PP! I try not to cause any drama, actually I try to avoid it like it's the plague lol. I have been guilty of the never give up tho. When I am right and know I am (I can admit that I am not always right), I won't back down and it has caused issues. That is when the whole "know it all" gets thrown at me. Funny he doesn't remember all the times I say oops I messed this up :) I have had the bad timing issue on a few occasions in the past too.


prairieprincess profile image

prairieprincess 4 years ago from Canada Author

@Dedmoroz, thank you so much! I was really guilty of the bad timing my first year of marriage. My poor husband!

@Serena, good point! If you're dealing with someone that's possessive, it's hard to do anything right. Thanks for the great comment!

@Dawn, thanks for your kind words! I've been guilty of that one, too! It's hard to give up when you are trying to make a point but sometimes we have to, to keep the peace! Take care!


wheelinallover profile image

wheelinallover 4 years ago from Central United States

I think I will NOT get started today. I believe at some point in our lives everyone is guilty of at least one of your five ways. It is my belief that we have to learn to do it backwards.

Voted up, Awesome, and SHARING.


prairieprincess profile image

prairieprincess 4 years ago from Canada Author

Wheelinallover, thank you so much! And yes, it's part of growing up, isn't it? But these things can be all so-destructive. It's wonderful to see you, Wheelinallover!


wheelinallover profile image

wheelinallover 4 years ago from Central United States

Nice to see you again too prairieprincess. My social sharing actually started with one of your hubs almost a year ago now. It was put in as a click through link in one of my blogs.

Yes each of the five areas in your hub are part of the growing up process, seem to start around age two and continue for some through their entire lives.


MaddsionCephas profile image

MaddsionCephas 4 years ago from Sacramento, CA

Great Hub! I had a friend who did everyone of the five you stated. The one that got on my nerves was the most, assuming, she had that bad. Drove me darn near crazy. Needless to say, January 1, 2012 was my last contact with her. I could no longer take the negativity. I choose to be her friend from a distance. Life is much better without her.


prairieprincess profile image

prairieprincess 4 years ago from Canada Author

@Wheelin, yes, your sharing of one of my hubs was something I really appreciated back then. Take care.

@Maddsion, thanks! I understand you choosing to cut off someone that does all of these things. It really can be exhausting, can't it? Thanks for the comment and take care.


Besarien profile image

Besarien 10 months ago

I never realized how "never give up" could constitute truly terrible advice in the wrong set of ears. Satire is not the easiest form of humor to pull off by a long shot. You did an elegant job of it here. I think you could have a meteoric career writing for soaps and reality TV, also. You seem to have figured out the formula for every episode ever made that didn't involve physical trauma and hunky EMTs. I have known people in life who seem to thrive on "not being boring" like mother's milk (for a while at least) and feel very lucky not to count any amongst immediate family and friends. This was a very funny and, if one is careful or completely careless, a very useful hub too!


prairieprincess profile image

prairieprincess 10 months ago from Canada Author

Aww, thanks for your kind comment, @Besarien! And yes, you are so right about the soaps ... these kind of behaviours definitely make for some interesting drama, as long as you are not personally involved. And yes, I think it might apply to a few of us, from time to time. Take care, and have a wonderful evening! :)

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