How to Work Effectively With Idiots
We all know them. They are the neighbors who share 8 hours of our lives each day sitting cozily in the next desk, next cubicle, and next timeshare we all have a stake in. Idiots- can’t live with ‘em and can’t live without ‘em. But what do you do when you know there’s a deadline and they can’t do their job? How do you handle the girl who sits on Facebook all day while handling multiple accounts and seems more concerned with her social profile? Well, from experience, I’ve established a quick how to guide that should help you out.
Yep, that’s right. If you’ve got to work with idiots, might as well exploit them at the most opportune times. This means when the boss walks in and ask how such and such is coming along, you pipe right in and point the finger at the dummy who’s been handling it all along. We will call the dummy in this example Wendy. You would simply say, “Well, to be honest Wendy was just on the phone with them WHILE handling her social networking platform and filing her nails at the same time! I am simply amazed at her multi-tasking capabilities and understand now how her resume TOTALLY lives up to her performance.”
The good thing is when you throw in these little jabs; the idiot will have no idea. Wendy will bat her eyes and truly believe you just gave her a compliment. Your boss will no doubt walk away completely perplexed and you will feel overall so much better about your day. I’m telling you, nothing makes a day go faster than spotlighting idiocy wherever you can.
Assign Tough Projects
A really fun trick to play on someone you know to be a professional idiot is to simply invite him or her to participate in a project that is way over his or her head. So let’s say George is an idiot and has no people skills whatsoever. Since he is purported to be a senior account manager (based solely on his degree from some amazing school which pumps out drones) you can simply put him in a position to showcase all his greatest skills. That’s right; get him on a call with the client right away! Say, “Hey George, I know this call is really your area so I have patched through Mr. VP to you to close the deal on this account.” Well of course you know George is a bumbling idiot who doesn’t even know what account it is and how to go about closing anything besides his mouth when he chews, you are in for quite an entertaining show. This works event better when you can organize a conference call or better yet an in person meeting.
Establish Mock Work Environments
When showcasing a lack of intelligence just isn’t in your best interests, sometimes you have to go the other route, which is to hide this person at all costs. The way to do this is to create fake work environments or projects for these idiots to sit and plug away at all day long. For example, you could set up a fake meeting and have other idiots in on the meeting. Create a nice little agenda for them and provide them with a secret, hidden conference room, which is inaccessible, and not in direct view of any clientele. Perhaps you could even have them work on an impossible phony program which has nothing to do with anything real but because they are so stupid they won’t ever realize it and ultimately you will have put those wasted salaries to use doing something more useful although it is irrelevant. They are now useful because they are out of the way and not hindering the abilities of others just by tucking them away nicely.
Get 'Em Drunk
You know all the shiny armor comes off when someone gets drunk. When you work with an idiot, nothing feels better than having them slurring and swaying during an important dinner with clients. Basically, when no one is looking you just keep the wine coming until your friend the idiot is so drunk he’s discussing receivables like a toothless hobo. If you can manage to get such person to eventually vomit on or near the client, you will have succeeded in not only witnessing utter stupidity but also providing a secure job for yourself in the future if not a near promotion.
Spread Absurd Gossip
Many idiots as you know tend to be the biggest office gossipers. They rove around the corridors lurking eagerly to pick up a tidbit or two of information they can later use to make them look good. The good thing is if you know this in advanced, you can completely play into their utter lack of brains by spreading ridiculous gossip they can’t ever repeat. To do this you will want to create the gossip centered on a client or someone who could never verify the information. Something like, “Did you hear that such and such (client) recently was diagnosed with gonorrhea?” Since they are pretty witless you could potentially even tell them it’s contagious. This is terrific and raucous fun for you because at the next client meeting you can watch them squirm uncomfortably and refuse to shake hands with said client. You can also eagerly throw them into battle by suggesting they take the lead on dinner meetings and other client heavy tasks. If gonorrhea doesn’t work, usually suggesting they are a sex offender will. I promise your work life will brighten tremendously if you can give the gossiper a taste of their own medicine.
Ultimately, working with idiots is something we all have to endure at some point or another. The trick is ensuring it is not only an entertaining period in your work life but also one that sticks it to the other idiots who hired the idiot in the first place. It is the time for you to shine. To stand up with pride and dignity while squashing the dummy who was hired in place of the other guy who was awesome. Next time you work with an idiot, make sure everyone around them knows it and can participate in your adventures. This will not only bring about a sense of shared camaraderie with your coworkers who value intelligence but will help insure the fact that significant ability becomes a prized possession!
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