How to be a good ghost - Ch 1

Author's note: This was written in the style of a sarcastic teen. So there is some censored cussing in here.

Heya! My name is Nephertari Immortality. Of course no one would call me that because they are all like, "Eww. Makes you sound like a mummy, and mummies are all dead and gross and that's not even your real name and blah blah blah."

Annoying. Right?

So if you MUST, you can call me by my day-slave name, Emily Parks. Just know that I'll curse your first born child and feed your last born child to the gators of Florida. Mkay?

ANYWAYS...this is the story of how I died.

So like, I was planning on killing myself anyways. You know, because life is so horrible and dark and lonely and all that shiznaz. Kayso, I got all dressed up in my darkest attiire and was looking all spiffy, like for a vampire ball or something creepy like that. (Like...Underworld vampires. Not those sparkly we-don't-know-if-we-are-pansy-or-not-because-the-only-people-who-love-us-are-moms-and-preteens vampires. I'm totally team Edward btw.)

Kayso, I was like, "Ok guyz, how am I gonna kill myself?"

I thought about slitting my wrists, but it looks like it hurts like you-know-what and it would totally ruin my clothes. And hanging takes waaaay too long. I could drug myself, but I don't want to risk someone discovering my body and pumping out my stomach. The parentals would ground me for the rest of my teenage angsty life.

So I'm like sitting there thinking, "Screw it. Killing myself is too much effort," and Bobofet (my awesome-sauce Star Wars bestie (whose real name is Ken btw)) is all like, "Yeah. Whatever" because I guess I was thinking aloud.

Then I was all like, "Holy chicken-drowned-in-peanut-butter! I got all speffed out for nothing!"

And Bobofet is all like, "Yeah bummer."

And I'm all like, "Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeck."

And then Bobofet looks up from his video game and is like, "Dude, you know it's Halloween, right? Let's go get some candy."

So...yeah, we went trick or treating. And it was awesome! Especially the tricking part!

Well, I guess that is until that old fart shot me in the stomach when he thought we were trying to bust into his house (at least that's what I heard he had told the cops. Except I'm pretty sure I heard him shout, "Make my day, b*tch!!" before doing the dirty dead.)

So lyke, I wanna say that I was in a lot of pain and shiznits, but I was PISSED. And that, I dunno, like, must have gotten the adrenaline pumping because I didn't feel nuthin. All I remember after that and before becoming a ghostie was Bobofet screaming like a little girl while running away and me screaming at the old fart, "THAT THE BEST YOU GOT?!"

Yuh. Needless to say, that was how I died. Pretty epic huh?

There are a couple things you should remember when you're dead.

1.) Haunting is like stalking, but the police can't arrest you for it.

2.) You shouldn't give a flying-zombie-monkey-butt about what happens to your stuff unless it's really important. (I swear if my sisters even think about touching my shoes...)

3.) Becareful with your new abilities, because there ARE people who can see you.

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Comments 3 comments

WD Curry 111 profile image

WD Curry 111 4 years ago from Space Coast

I see you! I'm in Florida with the gators. Its too bad they can shoot you in the yard here . . . except, you were ready to go, right?


iviskei profile image

iviskei 4 years ago from In your computer, stealing your internet. Author

I guess so! So glad you found the humor in this. xD

Thanks for reading!


japanesefiction profile image

japanesefiction 4 years ago from Chicago

love it! I like the teenager that thinks suicide is too much effort and has a whatever attitude to her death, I know she will enjoy being a ghost and look forward to reading more of your work!

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