How Children's Books (Mis)Shape Lives

According to experts, the reading habits of children can greatly improve and enhance their lives both as kids and adults. In fact, the U.S. Department of Education recommends beginning to read to your baby when he or she is six months old. As stated in their 2003 report, "Hearing words over and over helps her become familiar with them. Reading to your baby is one of the best ways to help her learn." This early book activity can not only help direct kids towards fulfillment, but can also help them understand more about themselves and others, but also this remarkable world that surrounds them.

This is the story of one child – now an adult – and how his exposure to children's books not only helped him to navigate through the maze of growing up, but helped him to become the man he is today. I will not name this person since he is known to many of you as a writer on this site and I wish to respect his privacy. I know that makes you curious but I just can't tell you. So hem and haw all you want but my lips are sealed. So cry if you must but I'll never....oh, what the hell, it's Shadesbreath. But you didn't hear that from me. Shadesbreath is a name he gave himself because he thought it sounded cool and made him out to be some kind of intergalactic Howdy Doodie.

This is not meant as retribution in any way for the many times he has ripped me off, stolen my ideas and laughed in my face about it, parodied me, or generally made fun of me to an international audience. No, this is purely a sociological study of the how books screwed up...that is, formed the child that became the man...so to speak.

Our sad tale...wait, did I say “sad?” Oh that's foreshadowing. I don't want to do that. No. Starting again.

Our sad tale....damn!

Our tale begins...okay.... when this child was 10 years old, locked in his room, the Roy Rogers curtains drawn tightly to the mysteries of the night, a dull circle of amber cast by a Trigger night light offering the only illumination. The one thing he had was books. The library had become almost a second home to him, but tired of reading, he turned to his own imagination and explorations of what was at hand. It was during this “fact finding mission,” as he would later come to call it, that a most remarkable thing happened to him. It was most amazing, but try as he might, he couldn't understand what it was. So the very next day he ran to the library and got a book he thought might explain what wondrous thing had physically occurred. This is what he checked out from the librarian, Miss Maple.

Wow. What information he got from that book! Naturally, the boy became fascinated by his discovery, sure that no one in the history of mankind had ever discovered this before, and so he continued his explorations. After one particularly lengthy experiment, low and behold, another miraculous event transpired. If his first discovery confused him, this one blew his socks off...quite literally. The following morning, he was off to the library again. He was sure he would find the information he needed. Miss Maple stamped the book and gave it to him and home he went.

Okay. So now he knew what it was, but the book failed to answer the question of why. Why had it happened? What's it called? Was he Captain Kirk, exploring brave, new worlds? He knew where to find his answer, and so the following morning he made his now familiar run to library.

Double wow! What a discovery! Shadesbreath becam...um...he... became rather fanatical about his explorations now. He played and played. He played to a degree that was considered unhealthy, and it was common for him to wake up black and blue. That's when the nightmares started. Horrible, emasculating nightmares. He couldn't understand what the horrid dreams meant, but he knew where to find out. Oh yes, he knew, and this is what he found, stamped by Miss Maple as she raised an eyebrow.


Whew! He learned that it wouldn't really fall off in his hand, thank heavens, that would be bad, but it certainly put some fear into him and he was more careful in the future. As he became more familiar with his “toy,” - for that is how he thought of it – he decided like many foolish boys before him to give it a name. A name that truly described it. But he could think of nothing. He knew the library would give him the solution. This time, Miss Maple raised two eyebrows!

Wah-lah! From that moment forward, the boy called his squirt gun – for that is how he thought of it – Uncle Wiggily. Boys will be boys, and as such, they grow into...uh...older boys. As he grew older, all of the other young chaps in his school were starting to date girls and take them to the movies and malt shops and lover's leap (where, he had heard, unspeakable things happened) and frankly, he didn't see what the attraction to girls was all about. He thought he should give it a try however, and who better to ask out on a date than that little girl next door, Amanda. But what would he do with her. He hadn't a clue, so off to the library, which had continued to answer his questions in life. He noticed Miss Maple stamped the book kind of delicately and winked at him. He read the book when he got home, but it was kind of boring.

Darn it! This sort of thing just didn't interest him at all. But he knew he had to try. Oh, he had heard the whispers at school, so he knew this was imperative. He must succeed with Amanda. Not the most imaginative or confident boy, he went to the trusted library to find help him succeed in his mission. The other boys had started to talk about the librarian, Miss Maple, with her ample bosoms and good looks, but he just didn't see it. When she stamped his book he could have sworn she touched herself.

This is the book he read for inspiration.

In the morning the cock crowed three times...so to speak. Today was the big day. Shades...oh...he went to ask Amanda to go to Lover's Leap with him, and surprisingly, she agreed. But things did not go as he imagined. No. Not well at all. He was crushed and embarrassed, and his mind swirled deeper and deeper into a dark pit of despair. The following morning, he trudged to the stinkin library as slow as a three-legged turtle. He found the book he thought would help him understand what was wrong with him. Miss Maple didn't even look at him and he was sure the whole town knew of his failure. Here is the damn book!

Oh great! He was a wimp. The book proved it. “Stupid, stupid!” he cursed. He decided, in a spasm of truth and confession, that he was what he was and there was no fighting it. The time had come to live the life he was meant to live, without excuses, come what may. He began to do just that, and as you might expect, when to the friggin library, where he was sure he would inhale some damn mold spores that would probably kill him, and picked out the book that would help him be his screwed up self. Miss Maple wouldn't even wait on him. Instead, Mr. Wormwood did, and he raised his overgrown eyebrows, winked his eye like a torn, transparent lampshade, and touched himself, for crissakes! Here's the friggin book!

And so he did...wear his tutu everywhere, I mean. Well, that boy grew up, true to his nature and his natural proclivities. Eventually, he lived without shame or concern for what others thought of him, and it was books and his exposure to them that helped him overcome his confusion so inherent in a young person's life. Without the books, where would he have been? Shadesbreath never...oh damn it!  I mean the person who shall remain nameless would never have tried to date Amanda and known, in his heart of heart, that it was a different dance he danced, tutu and all. Today, he lives a satisfied life out in the country in seclusion, but is very happy. He has a relationship that fulfills his every need, and he cares not what others think about it (but keeps it a secret due to laws and whatnot.) When he realized who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, he went for one last time to the little small-town library, and checked out his final book. Mr. Wormwood stamped his book, and this time, the former boy raised his eyebrows, winked and touched himself. Ah, the circle of life. That book rests on his coffee table today, as a reminder of who he was and who he is now, and a life's journey to nirvana...and as a dear reminder of his significant other who has brought him such joy. Here is the book.


Support Your Local Library!  And Read to Your Kids! 

      (Otherwise they may write crap like this!)

Evidence of Treachery

To read Shadesbreath response to this hub, filled with baseless accusations concerning my privates, see How Misshapen Genitals Misshape Lives.


Here are just a few examples of the many articles of mine stolen by "he who must not be named!"


http://hubpages.com/hub/What-is-a-Heterosexual-and-How-Not-to-Be-One


http://hubpages.com/hub/Washboard-Vlad



http://hubpages.com/hub/Vlad-the-Inhaler


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Comments 146 comments

kaltopsyd profile image

kaltopsyd 6 years ago from Trinidad originally, but now in the USA

Hahaha. I don't know what to say, Christoph. I saw this Hub on the HubPages feed and the title interested me so I thought I'd check it out. This certainly was interesting and so cleverly and amusingly written. Thanks for the entertainment.


chirls profile image

chirls 6 years ago from Indiana (for now)

Bwahahaha! I have a feeling he who will remain nameless will have something to say about this. Are all these books real? If so, it's amazing how things have changed... or at least I hope things have changed in the world of children's books!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

kay-alto-sye-dee: I don't know what to say either. I woke up and this monstrosity was on my computer, so I thought I'd publish it, but I accept no blame. Thank you though, for your comment and reading this...whoever wrote it!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

chirls: Yes, um...well, tell "he who shall remain nameless to go jump in a lake with the sheep he rode in on! Yes, these are all real books. Some are old and out of print I'm sure, but not all of them, and the pics were taken from Amazon and other book sites. The only exception is the cover to "Uncle Willie." There is actually a whole series of "Uncle Willie" books, but could not find a decent cover of this particular entry, so I made it with the real title and author but a different picture of the character. Thanks for you comment!


ACSutliff profile image

ACSutliff 6 years ago

Oh Christoph,

I think I remember that kid you're talking about! So THAT'S what happened to him? Well, it's a relief to know that it wasn't my fault he, uh, you know....

I can't believe I'm going to say this: I laughed so much while reading this, I actually gave myself a headache! Ouch! I'm starting to understand, I think! Literature can be hazardous to your health!

~AC


spryte profile image

spryte 6 years ago from Arizona, USA

Ooooooooooh...you better put on your fire-retardant underwear now while you still have a chance.

Uncle Squiggly's Squirt Gun...BAHAAHAHAHHAHAAH!!!! Do you know (as the ominiscient writer, of course) whether it was one of those small ones or a Super Soaker?


jill of alltrades profile image

jill of alltrades 6 years ago from Philippines

Hahaha! You must have enjoyed writing this or is this just a dream? This is pure entertainment! Hahaha!

Oh, what did Shadesbreath, "he who must not be named", say when you told him (did you?)you were writing this?

I thoroughly enjoyed this Christoph!

Thanks for providing me the nudge to start my laughing exercise for the day.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Who says it wasn't your fault? But seriously, I didn't even think about it being your name when I was collecting book covers. It wasn't until I started writing it, and it's not like I had a choice of "The Day Betty Came," or Gladys, or someone. Apparently, you were the only one to come that day.

Sorry I gave you a headache...I have that effect on women. Take two sheep and....uh, ASPIRIN and call me in the morning. Thanks for reading!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Spryte: I think I need to put on my retard retardant underwear! (Gawd, he's gonna kill me!) A Super Soaker! Get real! Now it's my turn to BAHAAHAHAHHAHAAH!!!! Thanks for coming out of hibernation to read this sad story! Love ya!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Jill: Well, "he who must not be named" does not know about it, so now he is "he who must not be told!"

It IS a dream, I think. I don't remember having written it. I probably enjoyed it though. So glad I got you started on your laughing exercises for the day. I'm a licensed tickler if you ever need assistance. Thanks for the kind words and Ha Ha's!


ACSutliff profile image

ACSutliff 6 years ago

Christoph,

:-) Still laughing.... Who says I came that day??? I most certainly did NOT! I thought that was implied in the story. Jeez....

~head pounding laughter~


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

AC: Why the book says so...just not with him. It was when you came to me later! :>D

-and stop pounding your head!


Aya_Hajime profile image

Aya_Hajime 6 years ago

Thanks for this CR. Now I understand more of the Nameless One, and perhaps some of the motivations behind his words and actions.

Also gives me some great ideas of what to get him for his BDay!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

It is not his birthday I am concerned about, Aya. Thanks for this most welcomed visit! Always a pleasure to see you, or your avatar representative anyway! Thanks!


ACSutliff profile image

ACSutliff 6 years ago

Naughty Christoph! I confess that I might have walked into that one.... I won't hold it against you. You are right, the book does say that I came.

And don't you see that you're the one pounding my head?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Awwww...you are right, AC. I do hereby publicly apologize for my lack of decorum in my comment last. It really was uncalled for and merely goes to show my lack of maturity on an emotional level. I further promise to stop pounding AC's head. Never again will I pound AC or give her head...or...something like that.

And so now, with hanging head and shackled soul, I go to sit on the rocky edge of my mind, these cliffs of Dover that do so haunt me, to contemplate the waves as they claw the rocks, and know that I would be just one more bale of flesh to become consumed by it, no more than a tiny mackerel into the hungry, toothy maw of the shark.

....or NOT! Woo hoo!


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK

Yes, I see what you mean. Such a pity your parents did not read to you and my heart bleeds for you, Young Christoph. :-)))


Sally's Trove profile image

Sally's Trove 6 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

The first paragraph almost got me...but then I quickly remembered which HP author I was reading. From there on down it was a roller coaster ride of hysterics, teary eyes, and stomach laugh pains. Only you! Now I'm waiting for the retaliating pen-assault from the unnamed one.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

De Greek: Thanks for coming by and the comment.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Sally: Don't put writing a straight piece past me though. As for retaliation, whatever for? After all, I owed him and were he to retaliate, then I would be forced to do likewise, and before you know it, HubPages Thermo-Nuclear War!

Thanks for your comment. Glad I could make you laugh!


Sally's Trove profile image

Sally's Trove 6 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

Chris, what planet do you live on? You think one retaliatory strike will not engender another? But, peaceable person that I am, I do hope for all our sakes that the unnamed one is a gentleman about not perpetuating tit for tat to the point of nuclear annihilation. :)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Sally: I live on the planet "Reilly," where everything goes my way. Besides, need I remind you of this: http://hubpages.com/hub/What-is-a-Heterosexual-and... where in addition to claiming I stole from him, he also manipulated my picture so that my finger was inserted in my nose! My (truthful) article is no more than a bee sting in response to his endless barrage of scud missiles!


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 6 years ago from Upstate New York

This was really funny, I thought. I hope Shadesbreath doesn't get very upset. It was broad humour: no one will take it so seriously. And a little get-even stirred into the mix. If he stole your work, that really isn't cool at all!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Paradise7: I don't know why you mention the name of Shadesbreath, since this is about "he who must not be named." You know of course, that this is a joke and he and I are good friends. I'm sure he'll - whoever "HE" is - will find it amusing and take no offense. And he really didn't steal anything, but rather parodied me in fine form, which was a very large compliment and I was thrilled. I only hope he is as pleased with this as I was of the ones he did about me. Thanks so much for the comment!


hawkdad73 profile image

hawkdad73 6 years ago from Riverside, Iowa

Hilarious! I marked it up.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Thanks, hawkdad. I appreciate it!


VioletSun profile image

VioletSun 6 years ago from Oregon/ Name: Marie

I confess! I thought it was going to be a serious article on the importance of children reading, but I should have known better by now, that it would be a wickedly humorous story about "you know who..." I mean hello, its Christoph Reilly writing! LOL!

Rated up!


izettl profile image

izettl 6 years ago from The Great Northwest

I think I'm a little more screwed up having read this. BUT it was totally enjoyable and worth the extra hour in therapy. I'm as thrilled about it as Amanda was the day she came. Rated "up"- no pun intended.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Ha! Yeah, I tend to do that. The downside is you never know what you're going to get; serious or stupid! (Between you and me, Violet, I like the stupid stuff better! Thanks for dropping in and "being here."


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Izetti: Your therapist actually pays me to write this crap so you'll need extra sessions! Are you as thrilled as Amanda was on that day, really? Gosh, I'm better than I thought. Ooooo, baby, I rate YOU up!


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 6 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

As a child I was always attracted to books that would mis-shape me. Who wanted to read goodie goodie books about stuffed teddies?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

cindyvine: I think we must have gone to the same library. Thanks for dropping in!


mysterylady 89 profile image

mysterylady 89 6 years ago from Florida

"He who must not be named" is such a sweet, kind man who would never pick on anyone. I worry that you may have hurt his feelings. Shame on you! (lol)

I look forward to his response!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Oh? And have you analyzed the evidence, Mystery Lady? I do not think there will be a response. He knows when he is whooped (I would have written "licked," but I didn't want to give him any ideas). Nevertheless, I appreciate your visit here today and your thoughts, as misguided as they are. I do so hope we can remain friends when this unpleasantness is behind me. Thanks!


Candie V profile image

Candie V 6 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

Initially I was skeptical.. What (mis)shaped things can a childrens book do, after all? Then I re-looked at the author.. and all my confusion *vanished*.. 'POOF'! It's clear that 'he who shall remain nameless' has become well.. well.. well educated despite his helpful librarians. And all within arms reach of a Tigger night light, no less! Tsk! So this has been a lesson to me to stock more Dr. Suess for any young visitors, and less Uncle Wiggly!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Yes, beware Uncle Wiggily! Or maybe that's how a good education begins. After all, censorship is no good. It frightens me. I only wish I had a Trigger night light for when I go sleepy time. Thanks for visiting!


Candie V profile image

Candie V 6 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

You can borrow my Trigger night light anytime!


kingkhan78 profile image

kingkhan78 6 years ago

great job thanks for sharing hub page community


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Candie: Would you mind dressing up like Dale Evans?

kingkhan: It is you who have done the great job, kingkhan. Hub page community couldn't have chosen a more erudite and considerate leader. My thanks to you and hub page community!


Dolores Monet profile image

Dolores Monet 6 years ago from East Coast, United States

Here I was expecting some kind of homage to kids' books and how they made your life so full blah blah blah. And found, instead, a good laugh. I love those old book covers you added - they are so funny!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Why, Delores, this IS a homage to kids' books and how they made my life so full (blah, blah, blah.)

Yes, book covers sure have changed, haven't they. I bet you could make some great art with them, perhaps some découpage with some titillating history. Happy you had a laugh. Thanks for the comment!


Beth100 profile image

Beth100 6 years ago from Canada

You caught my attention with the title and then captivated me your humor. You've given me a lift for the day! Thanks! (and I'll be looking for "his" response :) )


Shalini Kagal profile image

Shalini Kagal 6 years ago from India

Christoph - if I fall off my chair laughing and break my ol' bones, I'm going to sue you!

Like Sally's Trove said up there - only you could serve up fabulous fare like this!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Hi Beth: How odd. I was just visiting your hubs yesterday, but it was late and decided to go back to day to check you out...er, your hubs, I mean. So glad to see you here and I appreciate your kind words! I'll come a'callin' today.

Shalini: Oh, don't do that, dear! And please don't sue me. Otherwise, I'll have to sick my lawyer, Mr. Shyster on you! Thanks for saying howdy!


KKalmes profile image

KKalmes 6 years ago from Chicago, Illinois

Hello CR, I must admit I did not see this coming (no pun intended). It is the first of your hubs I've ever read and I was definitely not prepared. You should warn a girl before you knock her... over with laughter. You have set some pretty high standards for yourself... I won't over-look any future hubs for fear of missing out on a good laugh.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

KKhalmes: I'm so confused! Does the name Kevin mean anything to you?


KKalmes profile image

KKalmes 6 years ago from Chicago, Illinois

My first name is Kevin... I am a female Kevin... sounds like a country western song!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Ha, ha! I was like, you don't look like a dude to me! That is so interesting. Got me to do a google: Of person's named Kevin, 0.15% of them are female. Learn something new everyday. Now that my confusion has passed, thank you so much for visiting and your kind words. Glad I gave you a giggle. I had surprise on my side though! Okay, lets not be strangers. You promised!


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 6 years ago from Hell, MI

LOL! I've always wondered about the kinds of childhood events that would result in a character like Shadesbr...I mean, the heretofore unnamed protagonist of this purely fictional account! This would certainly explain a few things about our mutual frien...I mean, this guy that you totally created from thin air, and who bears no similarity, whatsoever, to anyone I actually know.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

B.T. Yes! I'm not so sure that books made him (whoever "him" is) as ENABLED him to be the person he was born to be. And of course you kno...DON'T know the person to whom this writing refers! Thanks for not giving away...for...not giving...um...not giving me a hard time for writing this.


Tom Cullen profile image

Tom Cullen 6 years ago from Livonia, Michigan

Funny! This character reminds me of someone I know. I'll have to sit down with and see if I can't figure it out over an icy cold Coors Light.

By the way, that 4th book cover sent a chill down my spine. That's got to be like the scariest book ever!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Well, Tom, it is common to PROJECT people we know into stories where we don't actually KNOW the characters. That's probably what happened in your case.

Yes, the forth book is enough to GIVE you nightmares, rather than explain them. Thanks for the comment and pass me a beer!


izettl profile image

izettl 6 years ago from The Great Northwest

The most expensive book I bought my daughter was selfishly for my own amusement. Icouldn't help myself. THe title is "SkippyJon Jones" about a cat that thinks it's a chihuahu. You know, it was born that way, some cats are just wired to prefer being dogs. They feel more comfortable in that role- they don't know why, but they just always knew. Besides the book mostly takes place with him in the closet. Ok, I'm being silly. And for my main point...

The lines in this book are hilarious. "He stuck his pickle in the puss" Yikes and another one "Blew through the sheets like a muddy wind". Ok these books just crack me up.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Izetti: That sounds like a great book! And funny too! Does or did your daughter like it? Or did you even give her a chance to read it herself? Thanks for the visit - always a great occasion - and the comment!


izettl profile image

izettl 6 years ago from The Great Northwest

My daughter is only 3. She loves the book when I read it super fast because it has silly spanish words in it too. Basically, she loves to see me make an ass of myself. But really the joke is on her- I love making a complete fool of myself. It's the only thing I'm good at. lol


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

This is excellent and truly brilliant as always, I am just stunned that Shadesbreath, errrr, I mean "He who must not be named" has not appeared here yet to comment.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Sorry duplicate post as I re-sent it because hubpages seems to be really slow tonight to react to clicks.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

PS. Lovely to see your old profile picture back again. Sooooo suits you :)


Jewels profile image

Jewels 6 years ago from Australia

And I thought Walt Disney had a lot to answer for!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

Oh, it is sooooooooooo on.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Izetti: I'm sure your daughter enjoys your reading it! I myself would like to see...oh, nevermind. Better not go there!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Misty: Thanks for stopping in. The old profile pic is to celebrate my 2 year anniversary on HP. It will come down soon. Yes, I don't think Shadesb...someone's at the door...uh ohhhhhhh.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Jewels: Old Walt is tuning over in his grave. Now I think I'm going to have a lot to answer for!!!!!!!!!!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Why...Shadesbreath! What brings you here? Whatever do you mean? I'm afraid I don't understand, old buddy, old pal.


Mumzdword 6 years ago

LOL ok so since "He who must not be named" was rolling and making all kinds of noises and remarks while reading this I had to come check it out. Christoph you are a riot! I love it.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Mumzdword: Hey! I take it you are personally connected to "he who must not be named." I hope you aren't his beautiful betrothed. Gawd, the stories he tells about you! I'm always telling him, "she seems perfectly lovely and charming to me!"


Mumzdword 6 years ago

LOL well after this story am I his Beard or his Baaaabe.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

Well, I have a nice first draft written just as you deserve. It needs at least a night or two of beer basting, and then some images. So for now I stick my tongue out at you and make various gestures of puffery.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

I don't know what you think you are doing. This is payback for all the times you have done this to me. The evidence is listed above. You're going to upset the justice scale again. It'll be all askew and then I'll have no choice but to retaliate once more, and this will go on and on and neither of us will get any real work done. (I am making various satisfied sheep noises in your general direction.)


Morgan F profile image

Morgan F 6 years ago from USA

*After the bought of uncontrollable laughter subsided* WHEW that my friend was just about the funniest hub I have ever read here in HP! (my condolences *giggle fit* to the-author-who-shall-remain-nameless) Keep em comin Christoph!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Morgan F: Thank you for the kind words, and for taking this hub in the spirit in which it was intended, unlike some sore losers I know. Very pleased to have made you laugh, even though it was at somebody's expense, but it makes no difference as they are inconsequential. Your kind words mean very much to me. Thanks!


Jewels profile image

Jewels 6 years ago from Australia

Dualling pens - Christoph v Shadesbreath. Not one inappropriate word out of place, class v class. This in itself is cause for a dualling pens 30 day challenge between the two of you. Very entertaining. Popcorn at the ready. Go!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Oh what a great idea, a "writing dual" between Shades and Christoph as a 30 day challenge. Well thought of Jewels :)

Christoph please please keep that picture a good while longer. It seems unfair to deprive the HP community who have never seen it before of a chance to enjoy it. It could keep some lonely women entertained for hours if you get my drift!!!!!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

Yeah, keep playing innocent Reilly. Nobody is buying it.

(Hi Misty, nice to see you about. :)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Jewels; Our pieces must age, i.e., they must be allowed to ferment with rage in the oaken casks of our brains before the properly aged libations are foisted on the connoisseurs that await the palatable pleasures. Besides, neither of us wants to work that hard. Ha!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Misty: I'm not sure I DO get your drift. Do you mean to say that they...um....I mean...that they would...er, touch...uh...that they would, shall we say, pleasure...ah...we're talking about women, right?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Shades: I am not playing innocent. I am playing "Justified." Yes. That's what I am: Justified!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

Yeah, you're something alright. :P


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 6 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

Oh boy. The gauntlet's been thrown down now, alright!

Christoph, I hope you have a squirt gun at least as big and powerful as Uncle Wiggily's! You're gonna need protection, dude! Tutu or no tutu, Shades ... er,that guy.. can SHOOT!

I'm going to get my rainsuit and golf umbrella. It's gonna get WET in here!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Shades: Yes I am. I hope you're working on something good, and not just another parody of my work.

Mighty Mom: My squirt gun is bigger than Shadesbreath's. Better get a patio umbrella...and some air deodorizer, cause the shi--s gonna fly!


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 6 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

Any idea what time? Can I sell tickets?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

MM: I don't know what time (you know how slow Shades is) and you may sell tickets, with 25% of the proceeds to be divided equally between me and ...um...me again!


Jewels profile image

Jewels 6 years ago from Australia

"Our pieces must age, i.e., they must be allowed to ferment with rage in the oaken casks of our brains before the properly aged libations are foisted on the connoisseurs that await the palatable pleasures."

I'm feeling swooned, panting slightly even. Blushing with expectation of more..... Ahem!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Jewels: Who is that you're quoting? Yeats? Tennyson? Poe?

Don't swoon, Milady, here, I'll help you to the fainting couch!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Hi Shades, how could I resist "being around" when it comes to a hub like this involving two of my favourite hubbers.

I am guessing Christoph, (from your reply), you completely understood my "drift", and any electronic gadgets that buzz are going to be very welcome to many women once they see your profile pic!!!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Hi Jewels, much like you I am interested in seeing who has the biggest "squirt gun", but the "aim" is also very important if they intend to impress us onlookers !! :)


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 6 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

Oh yes. It's a duel in the most classic sense.

I see CR is all ready, but where is the challenger?

He must be off sharpening his... pepee. Oops! I meant epee, of course.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Misty: Oh my!

MM: I'm waiting patiently.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

I hope he doesn't sharpen it too much or it could be an enormous 'prick'.... whoops, I think you know what I mean.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

"Don't put that thing on me" - David Bromberg, songwriter


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Hmm, you might have to explain that one to a mere UK woman... lost..... sorry :)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Well, there's nothing to explain really. You said "prick" and I said "don't put that thing on me,' in this case, the "thing" being a prick, with is another name for the male organ which I'm sure you know. Cause like, I'm straight, you know?


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 6 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

Speaking of that, have either of you (misty or christoph) visited the forum thread about what would you do if your soul make suddenly decided to change sex? The OP is our very own Tom Cornett. Quite intersting.

Meanwhile, it looks like the showdown ain't happening tonight. So I'm going to get my mighty sleep (like beauty sleep except for middle-aged parents) and check back in with y'all manana. Ciao!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

The OP? The person who's gonna have the operation? Wha????


wannabwestern profile image

wannabwestern 6 years ago from The Land of Tractors

Now I see that all this time I've been setting my sights on the wrong kinds of children's books!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

wannabewesters: Yes. It's best to stick with the classics! Thanks for commenting!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Ahhh, now I see, I just didn't know who David Bromberg was and thought it was relevant. Thanks for explaining.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Oh, yeah, of course. He is an American multi-instrumentalist, singer, and songwriter


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Thanks for clarifying that Christoph :)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

You are most welcome.


swapna123 profile image

swapna123 6 years ago from India

I was checking out books and novels section and landed here! Am still laughing.. can't believe these are real book titles! Rating it up !


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Hi swapna! Nice to meet you. Thanks so much for visiting and leaving such a nice comment!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

I'd just like to say that, suddenly the universe seems so much more balanced.


lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca

Poor dear Shadesbreath. You cad. I am appalled that you would bring such a pitiful history to light.

But it is mighty entertaining!

And his retaliatory hub has merits, as well..you must get to changing your toilet paper, all right? And the ASPCA should be notified of your treatment of the poor pussy you abuse. Horrifying.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Shadesbreath: You have written a hub that disparages me? Well that's new and different! I'll have to go read the atrocity.

lorlie: Having not read the offending diatribe of which you speak, I cannot speak to its baseless accusations. And to infer that I have abused pussies is totally wrong. Although I may have been "enthusiastic," from time to time, I can assure you the recipient never considered it abuse!


Petra Vlah profile image

Petra Vlah 6 years ago from Los Angeles

It is funny and it is sad. I am too confused by this "war" between the two of my favorite writers and I hope is only an exercise in homor (which both of you are very good at). If it's not a joke, them both of you are wasteing talent and energy.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Petra: Don't be confused. We are very good friends and this is all in fun, however, we are still probably wasting our time with goofing around. I can assure you, we are both flattered when the other does a hub about us and teases. This has been going on for two years. So do not fear, just enjoy the show! What he said is not true, you know. Neither is this hub. Just silly fun.


Petra Vlah profile image

Petra Vlah 6 years ago from Los Angeles

Good to hear, I feel much better now; part of my charm is that I can be really naive at times :-))) Since those hubs are indeed funny, keep them coming (both of you)!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Good. I don't think either of us are the type to air grievances in public.

Glad you visited and I put your mind at ease! And indeed, you are charming!


ACSutliff profile image

ACSutliff 6 years ago

Christoph,

I'd love to get a list of all the hubs you two have "goofed around" on each other with. I'm sure it would be entertaining to see your love hate relationship develop and grow.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

AC: Well, this is the first one I've done to...I mean, for him. The three he did about me are listed at the bottom of the hub. They are all parodies of hubs I had written. However, Spryte did one on Shadesbreath. The writer is supposedly named "Shadesbreadth," (note the spelling) and you will find it here: http://hubpages.com/@shadesbreadth

So you see, he's gotten me three times and this is my first. I think I still owe him (of course, now it's 4 times for him.)


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Well, hello Christoph! I had to come by and meet the guy with two things (according to "he who has been named over and over". I have enjoyed many of Shadesbreath's informative hubs, but none so much as the tale of How Mishshapen Genitals Shape LIves. I had no idea. Being in the medical field myself, I would personally like to check out the subject of diphalic terata and maybe even photograph a few "black and white medical images" in the flesh so to speak.

Of course, after reading your hub on How Children's Books have Misshaped poor Shadesbreath's life, I feel quite humbled to read the talented rebuttals of men and their toys. I'm still smiling and may never wipe this silly grin off of my face!


Jack Crockett profile image

Jack Crockett 6 years ago from Columbia, Missouri

Ha,ha, ha, ha,ha!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Austinstar: What? You liked that thing he wrote? Lies! It was so full of inaccuracies, falsehoods, and slander that I fail to see how anyone could like it. Sure, it was hilarious and all, but at what cost?

So unfortunately (for you, that is, but not for me) you cannot get your nasty pictures of teratta twosnake whatchamacallit here. If, however, you want pictures of a man engaging in intimate relations with a sheep then you know where to go.

Thanks you for the comment. Stay tuned! Soon I will reveal the horrifying truth about the author of that despicable work!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Jack: Yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk.


drbj profile image

drbj 6 years ago from south Florida

And I thought I stretched the bounds with my "Fokk University" hub. NOT! Christoph, you and Shadesbreath set a standard it will be exceedingly impossible for the rest of us mortals to emulate.

So why am I laughing myself silly at the emissions (?) of you both?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

drbj: Well, I don't know about that but thanks for the compliment. I'll have to check out "Fokk University" - I like the title already!


Sa`ge profile image

Sa`ge 6 years ago from Barefoot Island

two for one and one for two is all I can say! The in is out and the out is in.. it has begun! ~aloha~


mythbuster profile image

mythbuster 6 years ago from Utopia, Oz, You Decide

OMG laughing so hard (not at you - with you) that I'm hurting myself! Totally traumatized by this hub lmao.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Sa ge: Thank you for visiting and you comment. Glad you enjoyed it!

mythbuster: If I traumatized you then I have done my job. Thanks for telling me about it, for now I find myself filled with Pride! Thanks!


spryte profile image

spryte 5 years ago from Arizona, USA

:) No wonder I just love you & Shadesbreath so much! Thanks for unboring my Monday night. *hugs*


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 5 years ago from St. Louis Author

Hi Spryte! How great to see your avatar on my page! Glad you visited! And a great big bear hug from me!


spryte profile image

spryte 5 years ago from Arizona, USA

I visited earlier...my avatar was here (I swear)! Damn! Between Shadesbreath and his expiring underwear elastic and now you with this senior moment...I'm worried. :) On the bright side, if we start now maybe we can convince our family that we should be in the same old folks home (heaven help them). Hmmm....having evil thoughts...must control...BACK TO WORK!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 5 years ago from St. Louis Author

Spryte. No, your avatar was, and is, here. I was just saying it was nice to see it is all. So what kind of senior moment are you having? Did you read Shades foul response to this? The link is up there under the article.


spryte profile image

spryte 5 years ago from Arizona, USA

Oh yes, I've recently come from that which is why I came back to this. You can't not read one and then not go back and re-read the one that started it all. At least that's my philosophy...anyway.

Well....I don't know if it qualifies for a senior moment, but today I was sort of imagining what an old age home for former hubbers would be like...and I wasn't sure whether I was terrified or actually wishing I was a current resident! :)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 5 years ago from St. Louis Author

That creates a pretty funny image. Think I could write a pretty funny skit out of that premise.


spryte profile image

spryte 5 years ago from Arizona, USA

I was hoping you might :)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 5 years ago from St. Louis Author

But then, so could you, which is my sincerest dream!


Anna Marie Bowman profile image

Anna Marie Bowman 5 years ago from Florida

Ha ha ha!!!! Another great read, Chris!!! I practically fell off the chair, I was laughing so hard. Nice work!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 5 years ago from St. Louis Author

Hi Anna! Glad you liked it. Had you fallen off your chair, you could have availed yourself of my Bun Massage services, always complimentary for you. Happy to have given you a chuckle or two!


spryte profile image

spryte 5 years ago from Arizona, USA

Perhaps a collaborative effort is in order... :P


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

A beautifully clever piece of writing. Your purely ingenuous style of writing is captivation and very, very funny, I love it.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 5 years ago from St. Louis Author

Thank you once again for your overly generous words. I appreciate your visiting! Thanks!


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 5 years ago from Near the Ocean

Yes the laughs were in this one. I'm actually quite impressed by your book collection. It must of taken ages to find them all. So is Shades still speaking to you? Oh I'm sure he'll find a way to write even.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 5 years ago from St. Louis Author

Randy: I feel better. Oh yes, he already has. Something about misshapen genitals...but it's all a lie! Hey, it's nice to see you, ya know? You haven't been posting lately...that I am aware of. I miss your fine words.


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 5 years ago from Near the Ocean

I'm writing, but not posting much here. Its all been depressing stuff about the death of my father. The most recent, I think, is under my other avatar.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 5 years ago from St. Louis Author

Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I wonder why I haven't gotten notifications from your other avatar. I'll write.


TheHoleStory profile image

TheHoleStory 4 years ago from Parsons, West Virginia

What happened to the hub you wrote about Dr. Suess? You realize no matter how old a hub is, there are always people out there who are interested & enjoy reading it.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 4 years ago from St. Louis Author

Hmmm. I see they have unpublished it due to a photo with poor resolution.


TheHoleStory profile image

TheHoleStory 4 years ago from Parsons, West Virginia

Well let's get it fixed, and back up on line for Christmas.


TheHoleStory profile image

TheHoleStory 4 years ago from Parsons, West Virginia

Well the new year is here, and I still don't see any sign of your well known Dr. Suess hub. So I hope it's not another victim of the recent rash of "unpublishings", which has been destroying so many other good hubs across the hub pages. To me what has been happening lately on the hub pages is deplorable.


TheHoleStory profile image

TheHoleStory 4 years ago from Parsons, West Virginia

I realize that it has been a while, but I'm glad to see that your Dr. Seuss hub is finally back on the hub pages for everyone to enjoy once again. I'm glad you figured out the problem.


sassypiehole profile image

sassypiehole 2 years ago from the ATL

This explains a lot. I'm so glad I'm a girl... Number four would've really freaked me out. Hilar! ;-)


Chassidy 21 months ago

At last! Something clear I can undtesrand. Thanks!


Welcome 21 months ago

That's a wise answer to a tricky queitson

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