However Far Away

"However far away, I will always love you. However long I stay, I will always love you. Whatever words I say, I will always love you. I will always love you."

Adele's smooth voice streamed through Alexis' entire body as she sprawled in the sun. She loved a good voice to lull her into relaxation and to put her heart at ease. The sun was gentle on her skin, but the breeze carried an air of sorrow meant just for her.

For the last week she'd been drifting down memory lane in spurts throughout the days. The nights were the worst though. Sometimes she'd laugh or smile, but usually the spurts would result in tears or fits of anxiety. Alexis was beyond the age of emotional instability, but this teetering she felt inside was so familiar.

She had nowhere to turn but to herself. The best person to understand was her. It was becoming uncomfortably familiar, dealing with everything on her own. She hated being alone, but these obstacles will be conquered too. At least that's what she kept telling herself. Those accomplishments are why she was strong. Nothing difficult that crossed her path was ever an easy obstacle to overcome, but she made it through them regardless. This barrier facing her now was a whole new monster. She never felt the grief, regret and love she'd been beaten with the last few days so intensely,.

Logan, beautiful Logan, plagued her thoughts solely. She hadn't spoken to him regularly in the past few months, but people grow apart like that. Don't they? They always loved each other, Lexi sighed. Just chose the wrong time and age to try things out. High school wasn't the right time for their love. They both had too much growing up left ahead for it to work out then. For eleven long months as teenagers the two of them couldn't get enough of each other. Logan taught Lexi how to laugh loud and often. Lexi taught Logan how to trust again. She was ambitious like no woman he'd ever been with before. Her passion for life drove him wild. She wanted the world and he loved her for it.

Lexi stretched her legs in front of her, tilted her head toward the clouds, and picked out the smiling moments from her thoughts one at a time. Before she and Logan got together, he begged her to watch his football game one Saturday. It ended up being a chilly night and of course she and her friend Sally dressed cutely rather than smart and warm. Logan played on the sophomore team, which was horrible, but Lexi didn't care. She'd freeze and watch the struggling team just for the chance to spend a few hours flirting with Logan when it was the Varsity's turn to lose.

At the time she'd been oblivious as to why she liked that boy so much. She remembered being so nervous, worrying that he woudln't see her or maybe he'd forget that she was supposed to be at the game at all. Logan, of course, let nothing stand in the way of finding her after his game.

Lexi closed her eyes and pictured herself in their past, and thought of Logan's gorgeous smile as he brushed his hand under her chattering chin. He took full blame for her being overly cold and vowed to share his coat to make up for it. At first Lexi hesitated, but eventually gave into his offer.

Reliving that moment, she could feel his arms wrapped around her, pulling her close to his warm chest. She could hear his quickened heartbeat; he was nervous too. You couldn't tell on the outside though. He held her the entire night, until it was time to go. She didn't want to let go, not then, not now. Just a few minutes longer.

Only in her memories now, Logan could tilt her chin up toward his and land the sweetest, softest kiss on her quivering lips. Her shivers stopped then, and he said he'd love to hold her close again soon if she didn't mind being his. Lexi kissed his lips again and never missed a game after that.

Gentle streams of tears slid down her cheeks as she released a deep painful sigh. How badly she wished for him to be there to hold her again. It hurt so much to miss him this way. Never again would she be able to have those moments. There was so much she still had to tell him, so much still to show him.

She hated how she didn't go back to him once they matured and found themselves. In the back of her mind she always planned to be his again, someday. They would have made it work that time around. They would have been so happy and in love all over again. She never stopped loving Logan, but why hadn't she just let him know sooner? Before it was too late, like now. Maybe he'd still be here. She never got to tell him, she never will get that chance back.

Lexi ran her fingers through the warm grass beneath her. She wanted to just feel him, hear his heartbeat again.

"You were supposed to let me go first," she whispered to him.

She and Logan always argued about when they'd grow old together which one would kick the bucket first, and which one would have to suffer living on without the other. Lexi said she couldn't bear to be without him, although he insisted she'd get over it in a few weeks.

If only he knew how wrong he was. It'd been 5 months already and Lexi knew she'd never be over it. Logan was gone, and he couldn't come back if he wanted to. The closest she'd ever be to him again would be at this cemetery where a hole in the ground keeps him away from her forever.

"You should be with me, not here, not so soon," she whispered to his grave, tears soaking the ground with her hurt. "You should know that i always have and always will love you."

Lexi found her strength and stood. She kissed her fingertips and pressed them to his place of rest. Nothing could've prepared her for losing him so permanently, so young. There was so much life left ahead, and he wasn't going to be any part of it. Still, she forgave him.

"However far away, I will always love you. However long I stay, I will always love you. Whatever words I say, I will always love you. I will always love you."