How To Avoid A Bar Fight

It happens. Something is said with a drunken slur or taken out of context. Usually the person spewing it meant for it to be funny. Then it starts a bar fight.

Funny how they never begin with some rowdy music on the jukebox and the two combatants punching each other out for a full fifteen minutes. They're usually over in a flash... of a single fist.

Best way to avoid a bar fight... don't speak to a stranger after three drinks. Say any insulting thing you want to your friends. They could care less and chalk it up to your lack of alcohol control.

Bar fights never have the dramatics of a pool stick across the face ("Roadhouse" and about a thousand other flicks) or a cue ball thrown for a strike right between the eyes (ala Sinatra in "Tony Rome.") For once, I'd like to see a big fight break out in a dart bar. Just not when I'm there. Can you imagine a dozen injectable missiles flying around like a ground battle in Iraq?

But, alas, the good ol' punchout has given way to these modern times. Because you just never know if some coward is going to whip out a pistol with a Scarface movie quote like, "Say hello to my little friend." So unfair and never a measure of a real man. I miss going into work Monday morning with a shiner.

Tips to keep your front teeth AND your dignity intact

I would suggest wait for the first punch, then it's a free-for-all and you won't get sued later for Assault With A Deadly Weapon. I know. They say throw the first punch and throw often but in this day of lawyers sueing homeowners when THEY broke into the place, this way your opponent will be sued for starting it. Unless you're completely alone with just him (or her) and you're absolutely sure you got this, then have at it. Oh, and just survive that first punch and you're good.

No, the best way to avoid a bar fight is to act like thee craziest nutcase that person has ever encountered. I have closed my eyes and told a prospective opponent to just, "Go ahead and take the first swing! Kill me!" I guess it took all the fun out of it for him because he just walked away disgusted. Phew!

My favorite way that I avoided a bar fight was this way:
Not only did I unknowingly offend this one guy, his friends were ready to jump in and make it a very unfair fight. Happens alot to this guy who's 6'6" and 225 lbs. Anyways, I had to think fast. So when he manacingly stuck his index finger in my face, I bit down on that sucker as hard as I could like a dog (complete with growling) until I heard bone crunching. He yelped like a poodle, jumped back, stared at me in disbelief (along with his entourage) and just called me crazy as he nursed his bent finger.

His henchmen stopped dead in their tracks, looked at me with a mixture of fear of the unknown (I mean, c'mon! Who's ever seen a guy do THAT before?) and "this guy's crazy" wide-eyed stare. I think the rabid dog growl was affective also. Bottom line is it worked!

Also, I'm still lucky enough to have my original front teeth because when they ask me, "Who d'ya think you are? A comedian?" I can answer truthfully and say, "Actually, yes, I am!" But a follow-up joke is always needed to prove my point.

Dan W. Miller
a.k.a. "The Vanilla Godzilla"