Humorisms

One-Liner Humor by G. Lloyd Christensen (Copyright 1995 by G. Lloyd Christensen)

If all the New Year's resolutions of some people were laid end to end, they wouldn't be long enough to hitch their wagon to a star.

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Road hogs: Hot dogs in hot rods.

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Alimony is like having your gasoline siphoned legally for another man's car.

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The way money gets torn up by inflation these days, it should be made perforated.

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Plagiarism: The great train of thought robbery.

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Mouthtraps are often needed in the rat race of life.

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Some people have 20 years of education in the school of experience, and others have flunked 20 years in a row.

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Nervous wreck: A back seat driver with car sickness.

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Birth certificate: The registration form of the school of experience.

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Bull-ivia: A place where bull-oney is produced.


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A censor is a person who sticks his nose into other people's eyes.

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Diplomacy is the art of telling fish stories without getting the hook.

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Gullibility is the guillotine of greed.

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A man in the dog house gets only a bone of contention from his wife.

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Lottery ticket: Wishing license.

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A born loser is the bachelor who takes a woman to the Tunnel of Love at the amusement park, and she tells him, "Go fish!"

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Experience is a good preacher. She gives on-the-job sermons.

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Jim: "Has your wife learned to drive the car yet?"

Joe: "Yes, from the steering committee in the back seat."

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A big head usually has a big mouth.

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Often when a fellow tries to make a big splash, he does nothing more than a belly flop on hot water.

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Double exposure: A zipper down on a pair of britches with a hole in the seat.

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A smile is the autograph of happiness. A grin is the stamp of facetiousness.

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Give a wife enough rope, and she'll tie up her husband in the dog house.

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Many a man who howls like a dog has a bone of contention in his mouth.

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A budget is a systematic way to give wings to your money.

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Committee: A body made up of one man of the minutes and many men of the hours.

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Those who complain about the way the cookie crumbles are those who overbaked it.

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The way money is burned up by some people these days, it should be made with matchbooks at both ends.

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Road hogs: People with pigheadedness at the wheel.

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Alibiography: Fiction written by someone who tries to hide the truth between the lines.

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Alimony is the payroll in the parole of divorce.

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Just because a man is in the hole doesn't mean he knows how to make par.

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A place where some married men frequently live: A dog house on a barking lot.

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Jargon: Government slang that causes citizens to get lost in thoughtlessness.

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Ear-witness: What the plaintiff needs in a character assassination case.

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Don't say anything is as "easy as pie" until you have learned how to make the crust.

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Remember, when you are telling people how great you are, half of them wish you would shut up and the other half wish you would practice what you preach.

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Lip service: The hypocrite's lipstick.

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Cold-hearted people try to turn the milk of human kindness into ice cream.

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Son: "Dad, what is executive ability?"

Dad: "Son, executive ability is the art of sitting on a throne and having an ear to the ground at the same time."

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Experience is a good teacher, but she always repeats the history course.

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A foot for a foot is the policy of every kicker.

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Last laugh: The ultimate explosion of a grin.

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Diplomacy is the art of keeping on your toes without stepping on the other fellow's corns.

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The optimist hitches his wagon to the star of hope. The pessimist hitches his wagon to a falling star.

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Jack: "Go to hell!"

John: "What do you mean? I'm there already. It's hell being around you!"

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Hitchhiker: Somebody who always has a thumbnail sketch of his reputation.

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Curious friend: "Just why do you want to hire a married man to work for you, rather than a bachelor?"

Employer: "Well, I want a man with experience–experience at being ordered around."

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Presidential timber is known for having knots and wooden heads–wooden knotheads.

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Absentmindedness: Drawing one's conclusions with invisible ink.

Committee: A body made up of one man of the minutes and many men of the hours.

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Those who complain about the way the cookie crumbles are those who overbaked it.

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The way money is burned up by some people these days, it should be made with matchbooks at both ends.

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Road hogs: People with pigheadedness at the wheel.

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Alibiography: Fiction written by someone who tries to hide the truth between the lines.

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Alimony is the payroll in the parole of divorce.

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Just because a man is in the hole doesn't mean he knows how to make par.

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A place where some married men frequently live: A dog house on a barking lot.

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Jargon: Government slang that causes citizens to get lost in thoughtlessness.

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Ear-witness: What the plaintiff needs in a character assassination case.

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Don't say anything is as "easy as pie" until you have learned how to make the crust.

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Remember, when you are telling people how great you are, half of them wish you would shut up and the other half wish you would practice what you preach.

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Lip service: The hypocrite's lipstick.

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Cold-hearted people try to turn the milk of human kindness into ice cream.

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Son: "Dad, what is executive ability?"

Dad: "Son, executive ability is the art of sitting on a throne and having an ear to the ground at the same time."

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Experience is a good teacher, but she always repeats the history course.

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A foot for a foot is the policy of every kicker.

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Last laugh: The ultimate explosion of a grin.

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Diplomacy is the art of keeping on your toes without stepping on the other fellow's corns.

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The optimist hitches his wagon to the star of hope. The pessimist hitches his wagon to a falling star.

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Jack: "Go to hell!"

John: "What do you mean? I'm there already. It's hell being around you!"

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Hitchhiker: Somebody who always has a thumbnail sketch of his reputation.

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Curious friend: "Just why do you want to hire a married man to work for you, rather than a bachelor?"

Employer: "Well, I want a man with experience–experience at being ordered around."

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Presidential timber is known for having knots and wooden heads–wooden knotheads.

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Absentmindedness: Drawing one's conclusions with invisible ink.

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The frequency of advice coming out of a man's mouth is in direct proportion to how little he practices what he preaches.

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Alimony: Paying a mortgage on a dream house shattered by human tornadoes.

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Some people's trains of thought must contain a great deal of freight-damaged merchandise.

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A bore is a hot dog that doesn't quit yapping.

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Egotism: Obesity of the mind.

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An appropriate name for a road hog: Porkus N. Beanhead.

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Gossip bait: Trading secrets with someone else when both of you already traded with other people to get the secrets you are trading.

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Half-baked: A smart alec cookie.

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Women, as it has been observed, try to convince others that they are not 40 years old or older. There is one woman, however, who would not have to do that. If a woman born on Feb. 29, 1860 were living today, she could honestly say that she will not have to admit she has had 40 birthdays until Feb. 29, 2020.

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Hangover: Something that occupies a head that was empty last night.

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Sometimes the best helping hand you can get is a good, firm slap in the face.

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Hero worship: Having an idol mind.

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Hitch your wagon to a star, and if it happens to be a chariot of fire, be careful not to be extinguished when traveling past Aquarius.

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You can lead a horse to water, but if you teach him to roll over on his back, you'll be better off.

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An angry, opinionated person: Hot dogmatist.

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One way to get the last word: Stealing someone's words out of his mouth.

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Love at first sight is sometimes dead infatuation at first sight.

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It wouldn't be so hard to make ends meet if the ends would just meet half way.

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If marriage is an institution of learning, the marriage license must be the first tuition.

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Money talks, but it doesn't always listen to its owner.

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People who think they know all the answers are merely walking encyclopedias behind their times.

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Riches have wings. That must be why it's easy to pluck money's feathers.

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If you want things to come your way, go out and order them--but be sure you can afford it.

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Some people leave footprints in the sands of time, and others leave fool-prints.

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The fruit of egotism: The apple of your I's.

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Dairy diary: Memoories.

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Many a man has made a monkey out of himself by climbing the wrong limb of his family tree.

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Fishing for compliments is done at the pond of flattery.

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Every woman has a fountain of youth–in the unlimited time between her 39th and 40th birthdays.

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Raking the ashes of the past: Cleaning up after burning your memories.

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Beware of people who fall at your feet. They may be tying your shoelaces together.

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When a man has a pet peeve, it is interesting how often he feeds it.

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A pessimist is a person who, when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims it is plagiarism.

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Many people are marooned on an unchartered island while waiting for their ship to come in.

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If people literally "shoot off their mouths," they would have nothing left to talk with.

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It's easy for the TV weatherman to paint a silver lining in his clouds.

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Many a man who thinks he's on the inside track has a derailed train of thought.

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The wages of sin are proof that misery loves company.

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All the world's a stage, and many thereon play the parts of fools and never change their roles.

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Political machine: A perpetual emotion machine--spending money it doesn't have.

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Pork roast: A collision of two road hogs.

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Often the trouble with a train of thought is that it is a freight train filled with sleeping pills.

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What happens when a man and a woman wink at each other at the same instant? An optical collusion.

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A man is as young as he feels, and a woman is as young as she feels like dyeing.

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Dave: "I'm a self-made man."

Dan: "Apparently God is not responsible–you weren't made in his image if you made yourself."

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One trouble with our economy is that it's hard to find a fellow who's willing to work for what he thinks the world owes him.

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Political machines run into debt on the big wheels of taxation, powered by the brand of gasoline known as Love of Money.

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Diplomacy is the art of making the other man give you the shirt off his back without losing your pants.

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Superstitious people must especially be afraid when a black cat crosses their path in the rat race.

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Save up for a rainy day, and the IRS comes along and takes away the silver lining in the cloud.

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Political machines without transmission fluid are likely to shift erratically when they are running.

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If you really want to keep a secret, don't ask for any help.

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If wishes were fishes, beggars would be braggarts.

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When politicians claim that life is "easy as pie," remember whose dough they are cooking it with.

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Everything comes to him who waits, including a delay of game penalty.

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A road hog only leaves pig tracks in the quicksands of time.

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A good reputation is like an icicle. Once it melts, everyone else thinks you're a drip.

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Satire is the art of stepping on a man's toes without popping his corns.

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Occasionally we meet a man whose train of thought reminds us of a row of flat cars with no locomotive.

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Many an egotist is known for his waggin' train of thought.

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Lots of people, after laying up something for a rainy day, don't know how to use it in a downpour.

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Most blind dates are eye openers at first sight.

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Many people are umpires at heart; they would like to kick somebody else out of the game of life.

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A dry sermon: Preaching without the water of life.

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Most politicians have big mouths. No wonder so many feet can be put in their mouths.

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The tailor: External Revenue Service.

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Some people's idea of the key to the door of opportunity is having a means of unlocking the way to tax loopholes.

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Goose eggs: The disintegration of the goose's golden eggs by income taxes.

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Budget deficits: Leaks in the ship of state.

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Counter-attraction: A bar stool pigeon.

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The tennis game of the school of experience is known for its loves and tiebreakers.

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If all the weather forecasters were laid end to end, they all would still claim to see the silver lining on a cloudy day.

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All the world's a stage, and many a man thereon wants to make his own music video for singing his own praises.

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People who think they know all the answers usually don't even know what constitutes a good question.

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Politician: A person who always expects his followers to hold up the fence he is straddling.

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A born loser is a man whose bowling score is never higher than his golf score.

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Political fences are usually made of poor political timber. No wonder that politicians get a lot of slivers from straddling the fence.

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The man who tries to grow money on his family tree may find his son chopping down the tree for money to burn.

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Those holes in the pants of the politicians come from straddling political fences.

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If you are forced to eat your own words, you aren't interested in someone else counting the calories.

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Running into debt is a collision with interest rates.

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If one man calls you an elephant, pay no attention. If two men call you an elephant, think it over. If three men call you an elephant, join the circus.

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A chip on the shoulder is often the advertisement of a wooden head.

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Cloverleaf: Dizzy crossroads.

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All the world's a stage, and just about all the critics seem to be willing to work for nothing.

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Self-pity: An impersonal foul.

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A man all wrapped up in himself is a gift of gab that nobody wants to open up.

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The school of experience isn't a Sunday School. If it was, some people would be sleeping all the time.

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A cynic is a person who, when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims it is somebody else's graffiti.

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Don't be too overly optimistic in the early laps of the rat race. It just shows that you haven't seen the mouse traps.

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It's nice to be able to make both ends meet--but it's much nicer if they don't ever part company.

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Money talks, but its face is not necessarily a fortune.

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Biting off more than you can chew is a quick way to get a lump in your throat.

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A cow chip throwing contest: Dung flung.

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The golf game of the school of experience is known for its near misses and sudden deaths.

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Beauty is said to be only skin deep. The big question is, Is it thick-skinned or thin-skinned?

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If all the political speeches were laid end to end, there would be a rocky road of promises.

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Bigotry: The flea of dogmatism.

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Fish stories: The sages of fin.

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One husband says he reads his wife like a cookbook--to figure out what she's heating up to.

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Prejudice: A connecting link between a chip on the shoulder and a knot on the head.

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Diplomacy is the art of straddling the fence without falling into the other fellow's lap.

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Prejudice: Scrambling rotten eggs in the brain pan of a hot head.

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Quarrel: A head-on collision of two angry trains of thought.

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Some people save up for a rainy day in hopes that they will have some clouds in which to see the silver lining.

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The political vending machine is known for frequently eating up your money.

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It's easy to jump to conclusions when your train of thought is full of empties.

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Twins: The natural way to lead a double life.

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Two-faced: A double life with half-truths.

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Diplomacy is the art of putting your best foot forward without kicking the other guy in the seat of his britches.

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Unemployment: Your gas tank running dry on the road to success.

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White lies are often ghost stories written on tombstones.

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A winter sports bug: A fly in the ice cream.

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All the world's a stage, and many thereon refuse to pay for their rehearsals because they feel the world owes them a living.

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When looking for new life, don't look for the water of life in the fountain of youth.

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Something that comes off at the top of the head apparently did not come from the bottom of the heart.

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He who puts his foot into his mouth often bites down on a corn.

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An encounter sign: A black eye.

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A bore is a person who drills himself at you bit by bit.

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Nailing political lies is one way that the critics try to slash the big wheel politician's tires.

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Castles in the air: Daydream houses.

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Diplomacy is the art of reading the other fellow's mind before he can discern the look in your eyes.

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A divorce case filed on the insanity plea: Disillusion of dissolution.

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Doublemindedness: Two-faced and double-tongued.

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It has been said that to make your dreams come true, get up and work. If the opposite is true, then to make your nightmares come true, get down and procrastinate.

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Many a family tree has tough nuts to crack because the tree is petrified wood.

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Don't use flowers of speech in your efforts to smell a rat.

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Dark horse: a politician who throws his horse shoes into the ring.

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Most politicians don't leave many footprints in the sands of time–they put their feet in their mouths too often.

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All the world's a stage, and many a man thereon is always doing rehearsals during the intermissions.

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Rich baseball fan: Someone who lives high on the hot dog after bringing home the bacon.

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By the time many a man gets to greener pastures, he can't push the lawn mower.

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The honeymoon is over when he calls home and says he'll be late for supper--and she answers that his TV dinner is already in the oven.

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A man can't keep his head above water when trying to drown his troubles.

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Egotist: A hot dog who sticks his tongue out at other people.

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Pocket veto: Something that often falls through the holes that have been burned by money in the president's pants pocket.

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Fat cats help turn many dark horses into hot dogs who get their gooses cooked from time to time when they become lame ducks.

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When is the honeymoon over? When she complains that he interrupts her favorite TV show--to invite her to eat the meal he has prepared.

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If money grew on family trees, it would be easier for Mother to get Father to rake the leaves.

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Fat head: An obese bone of contention.

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Politics: Sending up smoke signals by boiling the political pot.

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It has been said that "Food for thought requires slow cooking." (Christian Index, Atlanta, Ga., June 15, 1882.) It may require slow cooking, but just because you try to cook it fast at high temperatures does not mean you will have burning thoughts.

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Reel good round: Fish stories told on the golf course.

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Financial genius: A man who earns money at a faster rate than his wife can get her hands on it.

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He who allows himself to be a worm ought not to complain when others use him to fish for compliments.

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Flattery is the chocolate some people try to mix into the milk of human kindness.

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In a mud-slinging campaign, the political machine spins its wheels in its own mud hole.

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Fish stories: Floating rumors started by a man--about himself.

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Following in someone else's footsteps may mean falling over that person's stumbling blocks.

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Food for thought on the bread of life is nothing but a baloney sandwich for some people.

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Turtle who likes to ride on a dolphin: Tortoise with a porpoise in life.

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When a man puts his foot in his mouth, he may as well kick his tongue.

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If all the political speeches were laid end to end, there would be an endless highway with chuckholes of jargon.

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Money talks, but some people never seem to learn the language of its rich cream of conversation.

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If a man wants a double dose of luck, he might as well try to put a horseshoe on a rabbit's foot–and make it stay there.

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Did you hear about the man who decided to go into politics? He wanted to graduate from the high school of experience and start going to the electoral college.

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Hot dogs may bury their boners, but some old dog will eventually dig them up.

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Money talks, but its breath is not necessarily mint.

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We may try to put the accent on the positive in life, but the stress is still on the negative.

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The baseball game of the school of experience is known for its law of averages.

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Sticking your nose into other people's business is not a good way to see eye to eye.

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The politician's bumper stickers usually stick around longer than the mud he slings.

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The chances are you wish you were in somebody else's shoes because you don't know they smell.

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Politicians are said to become bowlegged from straddling the fence. But they also must suffer curvature of the spine by straddling the fence and keeping an ear to the ground at the same time.

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Gossips: People who are known for running down the cat they let out of the bag.

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The art of reading the handwriting on the wall is translating the truth and nailing the lies.

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Highway patrolman: A person whose responsibilities should include the butchering of road hogs.

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The reason history repeats its course is that most people failed the course and didn't make up the class work.

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Bachelors sometimes fear that marriage will turn them from a man-of-the-town into a dog-in-the-house.

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A self-made man is usually known for building a big mouth in a wooden head.

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Many a person seems to think that it isn't enough for the government to guarantee him the pursuit of happiness. He insists that the government block out a path to help him score the touchdown of financial security.

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A woman's intuition reads between the lines of love letters.

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If money grew on trees, most people would spend all their time in the shade.

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Of course money does not grow on trees. It gets burned up by people before the seeds can be planted.

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If one man calls you a mule, pay no attention. If two men call you a mule, think it over. If three men call you a mule, you'd better learn when to say "Nay!"

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A pessimist is the fellow who thinks that if the world is going to the dogs, all the dogs are getting an artificial bone.

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Road hoggedness: Hogpower in the brain controlling horsepower in the engine.

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It has been said that political fences are barbed wire. If so, then politicians get ripped up and cut up from straddling the fence.

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The best piece of identification for an egotist: A hot dog tag.

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Just when you think you know how to play the game of life, most of it is over.

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The self-made man is a self-made hero because he always praises his maker.

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The self-made man is known for his self-made pedestals.

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If some people were to think twice before they speak, they would be tongue-tied.

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Tolerance is the attitude with which some people look at the bathroom scale.

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Some politicians spend so much time and energy trying to stay balanced on the fence that they do nothing to balance the budget.

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Is there any significance in the fact that pest comes right after pessimist in the dictionary?

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Some people's formations in the game of life lead only to deformations.

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Practice may not always make perfect when you practice what you preach.

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Proverb: A short lesson taught in the school of experience.

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Rocks in your head: When the wheels in your head travel on rough roads.

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A lot of politicians are fowl mouthed and talk turkey when they are straddling the fence--that is, the chicken wire fence.

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There's plenty of room at the top, and at the top there's plenty of room for improvement.

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Tact is often ambiguous criticism.

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A fumble in the game of life: Losing your mind.

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Some people who talk to themselves must find themselves to be quite boring often.

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Often the trouble with a train of thought is that the engineer is riding in the caboose.

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Some people's trains of thought must always have destinations of vacant lots.

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A dark horse may be led to conclusions, but he can't be forced to say, "Nay!"

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Apparently some people who rely on luck leave only rabbit's footprints in the sands of time.

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Mad dogs: Hot dogs without horse sense.

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Want to do the impossible? Try making a 100-yard run from scrimmage, hit a five-run homer, or shoot a four-point field goal. But unless they change the rules of the games, you might as well try to run a three-minute mile.

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A man who fishes for compliments usually opens a can of worms.

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Cold cash is money that talks with hot air.

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Perhaps the word for a conceited person should be spelled eghostist.

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Quitters: People who throw down their anchors in a rut.

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Many a woman expects a man to make a raft of money before she will agree to sail with him on the sea of matrimony.

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The basketball game of the school of experience is known for its charging and traveling.

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The sea of trouble is hot water in which many a good egg becomes hard-boiled.

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Swallowing your pride: Eating your own words with a forked tongue.

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The cloud with the silver lining creates the moat around castles in the air.

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Not every train of thought has box cars filled with food for thought.

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The man who thinks his world is going to the dogs: A bonehead eating himself to death.

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An optimist sees love at first sight. A pessimist feels indigestion at first bite.

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Smart alec: A fat head of stupidity.

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Turning over a new leaf too often makes you lose your place in the loose-leaf system.

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Some people have to be up a tree before they'll turn over a new leaf.

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Critics: Boo birds ruffling their feathers.

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Some folks never change their minds because they haven't even made up their minds.

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A bore is a person whose life is an open book--and he does nothing but read out of it all day.

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Alimony: A cold war debt.

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A bore is a person whose train of thought does not allow railroad crossings for other people.

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Don't count your chickens before they are hatched–they may already be plucked.

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Many a man misses the boat when he is loafing on the dock. -

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People who think they know all the answers usually ask foolish questions.

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Quarrel: When a ripe family tree is picked to pieces.

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The egotist certainly dots his I's, but he does not use periods very often.

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Money talks–it often talks itself to sleep.

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Secrets + Unnamed Sources = Rumors.

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When money goes to a man's head, it usually talks in his eyes.

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Fishing is often just something fishy at one end of the line waiting for something fishy on the other end.

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Money talks, and talk is cheap. Therefore, the cheapest talk of all must be campaign money.

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Often the trouble with a train of thought is that it has only sleeping cars and no locomotive.

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A pessimist is a man who thinks the world is going to the dogs when he is told about filling out his genealogical pedigree chart.

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A bore is a person who has corns in his feats.

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Remember, when you are trying to get people's sympathy by claiming you are a born loser, half of them don't care and the other half are glad they're better off than you.

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A clever angler: A man who takes his camcorder with him when he goes fishing, so he can tell a video tale.

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No-hit game: 15 service aces in a row in volleyball.

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A hot dog is a turkey full of bull-oney.

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Mind reading: Seeing yourself as others see you.

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Diplomacy is the art of saying, "Nice kitty," until you have a chance to step on its tail.

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Many a man is forced to eat his own words after breaking them.

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A cross between hot dogs and horny toads: Chili frogs.

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Gloomy days for a kangaroo: When there's a grouch in the pouch.

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Old hot dogs never die–they just keep on relishing themselves.

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If love is blind, does that mean it is based on blind faith?

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The trouble with keeping up with the Joneses is that it is impossible to know whether you have gotten even.

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Too often a man's ship comes in before he has learned how to navigate it.

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There's no fence so high that some politicians will not try to saddle it on their high horses.

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The modern golden calf: A hypocrite boasting that he is "a holier cow than thou."

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A big head is often a cracked egghead.

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A bore is a person who sings his own praises in a monotone.

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If people literally "shoot off their mouths," many of them would be mouthless instead of mouth-full.

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Brevity: A train of thought that covers more ground than its tracks indicate.

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Advice is cheap, especially if at first you don't succeed.

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A has-been has a lot of run-ins, especially during a run-off.

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The rat race is often a rabid one.

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The price of divorce: Acrimony of alimony

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Most people who continually blow their own horns use big-mouth pieces.

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Burning bridges behind you: Setting the world of the past on fire.

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Egotist: A man who worships the ground his thought is buried in.

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A woman's face is a fortune for her husband--when he pays the plastic surgeon.

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Old place kickers never die. They just continue to put their best foot forward.

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Trains of thought are often derailed by rails of mouth.

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Political fences: Where many politicians shoot the bull and holler like a cow.

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Many a man who lives a dog's life thinks his country is going to the hot dogs.

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Just when you think you have it in the bag, someone lets the cat out.

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If love is blind, does that mean it is always out of sight?

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He who pins his faith to luck will find himself out of luck before he gets the pin out.

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What the world needs is a mind-your-own-business license. But most people would refuse to pay the fee.

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If money grew on trees, many people would hope it would be the loose-leaf system.

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Campaign speeches by a dark horse: Promises made straight from the mare's mouth.

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Money doesn't go very far these days because it talks too much.

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People who think they know all the answers usually don't even know how to ask the questions.

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Make hay while the sun shines--and be sure to get it baled for a rainy day.

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The football game of the school of experience is known for its hard knocks.

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A burning train of thought doesn't always reach a terminal before becoming mental ashes.

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Isaiah's football prophecy: "Thine heart shall meditate terror. ... Where is the receiver?" (Isaiah 33:18.)

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Conscience is often an anticipation of the looks in other people's eyes.

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Fame is sometimes a bubble that comes from blowing your own horn with hot air.

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Success is not always final. If you build a better mousetrap, you'll have to use more sophisticated strategies in the rat race.

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Railing is not the best means by which a politician can perform the art of straddling the fence.

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Dark horse sense: That special bit of horsepower that sometimes enables a dark horse candidate to win an election.

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If absence makes the heart grow fonder, procrastination makes the mind squander.

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A born loser is the bachelor whose ship comes in loaded with married women.

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Many people are umpires at heart; they always like to cry "Foul!"

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Nagging is seasickness on the sea of matrimony.

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A hunger for potatoes: A gravy train of thought.

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The ship of state sails in the troublesome waters of the political pot.

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Shooting off your mouth is sometimes synonymous with shooting the bull.

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The way some people sleep in church, they must hope that there will be sleeping cars in the heavenly train.

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An angry egotist: A person with cross I's.

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The preacher's nightmare: People falling asleep in church–and snoring.

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Family tree: Something that obviously has at least one root in the grave.

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A man who walks in his sleep and talks in his sleep had better be careful when he goes to church. If he falls asleep in church, he may end up sleepwalking to the podium, preaching, giving a confession, or saying something he would never think of saying when awake. Or, he may just tell some fish stories!

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Dealings of an Indian giver come straight from the gift horse's mouth.

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Manure spreader: Dung dauber.

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He who never makes a mistake apparently has an undefeated season in the game of life.

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People who poke their noses into other people's business all the time only leave nose prints in the sands of time and not footprints.

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People who write their own obituaries want to have the last word at their own funerals.

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The school of experience has many uncompleted multiple choice tests for the man of indecision.

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The sea of matrimony is known for its ships on which the women think they smell something burning.

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With some marriages, it’s not the “I do’s” that count so much as the “I dues.”

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When some people have a train of thought about another person, it is usually delivered on the Gossip Express Railroad.

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Our nation has thousands of problems because the legislation is frequently the distribution of the politicians’ mistakes into society.

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Politicians make so many mistakes with their tongues that the nation seems to never profit by the intelligence they may have.

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The wise man conceals his thoughts in a constructive way; the dumb one reveals his thought in a destructive way.

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Truth is stronger than fiction, but some politicians are afraid the truth will be discovered about them, while the others hope their fictions will get them elected again and again.

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Many a self-made man, upon being married to a woman, seems to have lost his freedom when his wife has undertaken a project to make him over.

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Fish stories: Finflation.

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Experience is a good teacher, but seldom learn the lessons the first time around that would prevent them from repeating their mistakes.

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The only censoring some people do is censoring the messages from their own consciences.

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Many a man who takes a ride on a dark horse may find out too late that he's on a bucking bronco.

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Divorce is giving up the ship on the sea of matrimony. Alimony is the cost of giving the ship up.

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Extremist: A man who jumps at conclusions and wonders why others cannot catch up to him.

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Kicking: The boot of all evil.

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Love at first sight is sometimes done through binoculars.

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The volleyball game of the school of experience is known for its digging and saving.

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Forest fires kindled by money to burn destroy many a family tree.

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Thanksgiving feast: Gobbling up gobblers and pumping in pumpkin pie.

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If you're going around in circles, you might be lost on a cloverleaf on the road to success.

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The Bearing Strait: A necessary passageway between the Sea of Matrimony and the Sea of Adversity.

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Many people's trains of thought are sidetracked more often than rerouted.

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Many a man behind time is a hot dog who should be fed on catchup.

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Greedy people: Those who complain about the way the fortune cookie crumbles.

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Building castles in the air is not the best way to attempt to see the silver lining in the cloud.

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The soccer game of the school of experience is known for its free kicks.

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