I Didn't Mean to Disappear
Its been a year...
I haven't written, haven't communicated, haven't even stopped by. It's been a tough year. And today is New Year's Eve - a night I've been looking forward to for a while now. Maybe all this madness will end. There is so little of me left.
Another year,
try as I may
I still can't find the words to say
everything there is inside of me.
I feel like such a fool
to have fallen into this darkness
and lost so much of me
that I can't find my way back to any of the peace I had found.
Or is it just an illusion I see now,
That my life ever held any such purpose
and cohesion
My thoughts are so scattered, I forget what it was I wanted
I can't remember who I was.
You see, I reached that point a while ago,
that breaking point
and I shattered.
No one was there to help me pick up the pieces, just like I feared.
I am simply a shadow of what I see
only now I'm having flashbacks
I don't know how to get back the parts of me that were lost
and I'm not strong enough to reach out.
Who was that woman in my past?
ME NOW
I am a shadow of who she was
devoid of the passion
missing the energy
lacking motivation
fearing the slightest sounds
afraid of sudden movements.
I stood at the edge and they threatened to take away everything
the faith I had was tested to the core
hopes came and went
I watched as people I thought were friends, turned away from me
I realized how alone alone can be
I, who had fought all my life and had come through the toughest situations
Had been beaten.
Still
I'm here
It didn't kill me
although at times I thought death would have been more merciful
I'm here.
And I have to find a new reason, a new purpose, a new happiness
when the core of my being feels defeated
and dead.
2013
So tonight,
I'm ringing in the New Year like I never have before - alone.
With a list full of resolutions.
I am going to have to find the strength and motivation somewhere
if I want to live life again.
I've already lost a whole year.
I have to believe again that I deserve to live
only then will I see the beauty in life.