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I Didn't Mean to Disappear

Updated on December 31, 2012
time passes...
time passes...

Its been a year...

I haven't written, haven't communicated, haven't even stopped by. It's been a tough year. And today is New Year's Eve - a night I've been looking forward to for a while now. Maybe all this madness will end. There is so little of me left.




Another year,

try as I may

I still can't find the words to say

everything there is inside of me.

I feel like such a fool

to have fallen into this darkness

and lost so much of me

that I can't find my way back to any of the peace I had found.

Or is it just an illusion I see now,

That my life ever held any such purpose

and cohesion

My thoughts are so scattered, I forget what it was I wanted

I can't remember who I was.

You see, I reached that point a while ago,

that breaking point

and I shattered.

No one was there to help me pick up the pieces, just like I feared.

I am simply a shadow of what I see

only now I'm having flashbacks

I don't know how to get back the parts of me that were lost

and I'm not strong enough to reach out.

Who was that woman in my past?

ME NOW

I am a shadow of who she was

devoid of the passion

missing the energy

lacking motivation

fearing the slightest sounds

afraid of sudden movements.

I stood at the edge and they threatened to take away everything

the faith I had was tested to the core

hopes came and went

I watched as people I thought were friends, turned away from me

I realized how alone alone can be

I, who had fought all my life and had come through the toughest situations

Had been beaten.


Still

I'm here

It didn't kill me

although at times I thought death would have been more merciful

I'm here.

And I have to find a new reason, a new purpose, a new happiness

when the core of my being feels defeated

and dead.

2013

So tonight,

I'm ringing in the New Year like I never have before - alone.

With a list full of resolutions.

I am going to have to find the strength and motivation somewhere

if I want to live life again.

I've already lost a whole year.

I have to believe again that I deserve to live

only then will I see the beauty in life.

working

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