I Didn't Mean to Disappear

time passes...
time passes...

Its been a year...

I haven't written, haven't communicated, haven't even stopped by. It's been a tough year. And today is New Year's Eve - a night I've been looking forward to for a while now. Maybe all this madness will end. There is so little of me left.




Another year,

try as I may

I still can't find the words to say

everything there is inside of me.

I feel like such a fool

to have fallen into this darkness

and lost so much of me

that I can't find my way back to any of the peace I had found.

Or is it just an illusion I see now,

That my life ever held any such purpose

and cohesion

My thoughts are so scattered, I forget what it was I wanted

I can't remember who I was.

You see, I reached that point a while ago,

that breaking point

and I shattered.

No one was there to help me pick up the pieces, just like I feared.

I am simply a shadow of what I see

only now I'm having flashbacks

I don't know how to get back the parts of me that were lost

and I'm not strong enough to reach out.

Who was that woman in my past?

ME NOW

I am a shadow of who she was

devoid of the passion

missing the energy

lacking motivation

fearing the slightest sounds

afraid of sudden movements.

I stood at the edge and they threatened to take away everything

the faith I had was tested to the core

hopes came and went

I watched as people I thought were friends, turned away from me

I realized how alone alone can be

I, who had fought all my life and had come through the toughest situations

Had been beaten.


Still

I'm here

It didn't kill me

although at times I thought death would have been more merciful

I'm here.

And I have to find a new reason, a new purpose, a new happiness

when the core of my being feels defeated

and dead.

2013

So tonight,

I'm ringing in the New Year like I never have before - alone.

With a list full of resolutions.

I am going to have to find the strength and motivation somewhere

if I want to live life again.

I've already lost a whole year.

I have to believe again that I deserve to live

only then will I see the beauty in life.

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Comments 20 comments

epigramman profile image

epigramman 3 years ago

Hello my dear Erin, yes, I have missed you too. And it's funny because I was literally thinking about you the other day so this must be karma.

I have always loved the honesty in your writing. You never pull any punches and that is what makes you such a great writer. Welcome back to the Hub and I hope to see more of you once again and in the context of your poetic words I am most sincerely sending you warm wishes for you health, happiness and prosperity in the new year.

I know you to be a true survivor, a lady of independent means and someone whom I look up to very much. You are a hero to me and it was a great day when we met my friend - lake erie time ontario canada 7:03pm from Colin, Tiffy and Gabriel (my cats)


Genna East profile image

Genna East 3 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

Erin! You have been missed. My thoughts echo Epi's, who so perfectly wrote what I also think and feel. Welcome back, dear lady. 2013 will be your year...I am certain of this. :-) It will be made more enriching for us by your candid and refreshing poetry, and presence. All the best and more for the New Year.


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 3 years ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

Return the oar to the water and glide easily away, you will soon reach calm, peaceful waters. Amazing thing about life, you get to pick the direction, the speed and the destination. Others may have their say, but you are in complete control. Find your center and all of a sudden the sharp jagged rocks by the shore are no longer a threat.


always exploring profile image

always exploring 3 years ago from Southern Illinois

Erin, I am so happy to see you today. You must know that i care deeply about you. I thought you were busy , going back to college full time. Erin you've picked up the pieces in the past and i know without a doubt you will again. You reached out and we are here. Everytime i see a picture of a dancing Gypsy, i think of you. Erin you are so talented, your fiction stories, your poetry is a gift from your higher power. I love you Dear one..Ruby.


Fossillady profile image

Fossillady 3 years ago from Saugatuck Michigan

Erin, I too came back to the hub recently. Everyone is so welcoming and it feels like home! I'm happy to see your here and hope you stick around! Such encouragement above from Epi, Ruby, Genna and Mckbird! I couldn't have said it more perfectly! Hope you find joy and prosperity for 2013!


Erin LeFey profile image

Erin LeFey 3 years ago from Maryland Author

Thank you everyone for such a warm welcome back to the hub and know that I have missed each of you. I didn't want to write this one as my first back in but maybe now that it's out there the writing will get easier. I can't express how great it is to see you Epi, genna, ruby, Mckbirds, fossillady....I know that I should have come back sooner even when I just couldn't write. Thank you for making me smile on New year's day! xoxo


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS

Darlin' Erin - you're back! You've been missed. I think you'll discover that the way to handle it is simply to embrace it. What IS, is! Now IS. You're whole and stronger. Welcome back! Hugs.


Erin LeFey profile image

Erin LeFey 3 years ago from Maryland Author

nellieanna,I've missed you too! I still feel very out of sorts and don't want to get comfortable here...I'll keep striving a little longer before I embrace it.my world is not yet a place I can stay.but your words ring so true...and that's where lm headed. my goals are simple ones...to find safety, surround myself with positive energy,reclaim the me I lost, and find peace.I have a lot of healing to do. I'm getting too old for this. I need to catch up on the wisdom, innocence and love from your poetry. hugs my friend xoxo


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS

Embrace it in the meantime. You needn't be comfortable or stop striving in order to embrace it. But you need to be into it, working from the inside, occupying YOU. And YOU aren't lost. False layers may be lost;- not you.


shiningirisheyes profile image

shiningirisheyes 3 years ago from Upstate, New York

Erin - Not sure if this helps but I found this completely relateable. I am in upstate NY understanding what it is like to ring in the New Year alone. I stayed away from Hub because I just couldn't bear to read another happy holiday note. I decided to take my co-workers shifts and work around the clock.

Glad you penned this to let me know I am not alone in these feelings. Here's hoping you and I have a better year ahead than the last.


Erin LeFey profile image

Erin LeFey 3 years ago from Maryland Author

shiningirisheyes,

I'm sure 2013 must hold something special for everyone. I'm convinced that 2012 was a year I should have slept through, no kidding. I have never been so depressed, defeated and helpless in my life. It helps to know that there is someone who really does understand, It helps to know I am not alone although I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I wish you and me and everyone a magical year ahead. I know its going to be a lot of work to climb out of this mess and although I can't feel it, I know its worth it. Namaste my friend.


Erin LeFey profile image

Erin LeFey 3 years ago from Maryland Author

I will take your advice Nellieanna as hard as it is. You have never led me astray before and I've always thought of you as someone I look up to and believe in. Thank you.


Erin LeFey profile image

Erin LeFey 3 years ago from Maryland Author

I really let this sink in tonight, and its beautiful. I must get back in control and regain my self confidence to feel like this again. You are so right...thank you for reminding me. xo


Erin LeFey profile image

Erin LeFey 3 years ago from Maryland Author

Epi, I hope all is well up on the lake, although cold, I bet! thank you for reminding me who I am...I've been forgetting. I hope to be able to get back to writing this year. I hope all of you (you and the cats) have a wonderful new year!


Erin LeFey profile image

Erin LeFey 3 years ago from Maryland Author

Genna, thanks so much for your kind words - you know I've always loved our exchanges. I read in your profile that you are in England now! I'm looking forward to catching up.


Erin LeFey profile image

Erin LeFey 3 years ago from Maryland Author

my dear sister, thank you for being here and i was so glad to see you on FB. I hope to find my dancing gypsy again, she seems so far away. i love you too dear one, its been far too long. talk to you soon! xoxo


Erin LeFey profile image

Erin LeFey 3 years ago from Maryland Author

fossillady, im so glad you came back and im glad i've come back too. Already I feel a part of myself returning. I will stick around, I'm just waiting for my focus to return so I can write something good again! Wishing you all the best for the New Year!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS

M'dear, I wouldn't think of advising it if I hadn't been there, myself, and survived. I don't know what your tribulation involves, but finally in mine, I lost my children, not because of anything I had done, but because of someone's greedy agenda which climaxed after my 18-year toleration of an untenable situation, trying to avert that outcome, which happened anyway.

We don't know what we can handle till we have to face it. And HOW we face it determines all that follows. Yes, you can.


Born2care2001 profile image

Born2care2001 3 years ago from Asheville NC

Erin,

I did not know you before you left, but I am certainly glad for your return. As Epi said, your writing is "honest" and I sincerely hope you continue to express yourself here. I encourage you to stay true to yourself. You will never, ever be alone. Recently, I read "Hope" by Joel Rothschild. It helped change the way I look at purpose.

Thank you for a wonder work. voted Up +


Marla Neogra profile image

Marla Neogra 3 years ago from Parkersburg, West Virginia

Erin,

I actually just read this hub and can say I empathize with you. I voted up and awesome. I just recently [8 weeks ago] returned after a one year hiatus and have still not gotten into the swing of it fully.

I feel how you felt, this year especially, although not utterly alone this time it has just been a very bad year for me. If you ever need to just talk, you can reach me @ fyredancer9@gmail.com. I do know what it is like to think you have friends and find out you have acquaintances. I also know what it is like to have truly good geographical friends that fall by the wayside if you have to relocate to another state. Hopefully you are in a better frame of mind now and getting better all the time.

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