I had a love of my own
The First Look
I recall how I fell in love at first sight with Michael. I had a strong feeling of soul recognition when our eyes met for the first time. The loud noises in the room diminished as if the giant hand of God reduced the volume control knob for this meeting of lovers. It wasn’t only my ears affected. My inner eyes captured an energy located in his eyes, which grew luminous, becoming as two expanding orbs on his face, nearly obscuring his beautiful eyes.
In this eternal moment the light streaming from those orbs told me he would be the father of my children. There was no doubt in my mind.
I found myself standing by his seat, just staring at his head, wondering, now that we’d found each other what was I to say to break the ice? I was at work and so couldn’t stand there for too long, but neither could I bring myself to move away.
Some unknown force , perhaps God, had made it easy for me. I was already in love at first sight. I would not have to work at loving him. All I had to do was let Mike know I was available, but how?
He was shy at my aggressive stare and this made me love him more. He left the establishment that day without our having spoken. A few months later he walked into another place I was working in and asked me out to coffee. In about a year’s time we would marry.
I would become pregnant with twin girls I’d contacted in an out of body experience several years before meeting my true love. They would have his eyes. We divorced after five years. There’s no need to go into the reasons for the divorce, for I’ve discovered I will always love him and any misunderstanding between us, is water under the bridge. Mike and I remained close after the divorce. When the children were ten, Mike died of alcoholism related problems.
I always remembered Mike as a gentle person with an easy smile and a wry sense of humor. I think about how responsible he was despite the drinking problem. He never missed a day of work and insisted on taking care of all our finances even when I went back to work. After the divorce Mike followed me to Denver, to be close to the children.
I didn’t expect the loyalty ideals to family after a divorce, but there it was.
It’s not that I fell out of love with Mike. We drifted apart as we did not work at our marriage. Neither one of made an effort to preserve the special affinity for each other we’d had at the beginning. To both of us it seemed easier to part the ways than to stay together. I often wish we could have found a way to stick it out.
Yet I have these memories. I have been loved and I know I did my best based on my prevailing awareness at the time. I fondly recall our telephone call when I told him I was moving out of town. On the spot he offered to drive us there. I was secretly pleased at his offer. Moving is a fearsome task. He left his new, promising job to be closer to his children. A man of few words, actions speak louder than words.
We didn’t get back together at that point. We each eventually acquired our own apartment in Denver within driving distance of one another.
Near the end of his life he began to call me at night to chat about things. It was like old times. I began to look forward to his calls. He still confided in me after all the water under the bridge.
When I got the call that he had died the first thing I thought and felt was that he would no longer be making that nightly call I’d come to expect. That would tear me up inside. He would come to me in spirit and ask me to smile for him. And I would, and I still do. I love you Mike.
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