I Still Look For You - PART 2

and so it continues ...

“Come with me”, he held out his hand to her. She would have followed him to the end of time at that moment. “There are trails over there, by the bluff – let’s go!”He laughed, pulling her up the slope. “Slow down, youngster, I can’t keep up”, she kidded, although the truth was she was almost eight years his senior.

“Here, I’ll help you,” he laughed pulling her along under a kaleidoscope of the fall trees. Pausing at a pile, he scooped up an armful and showered her. She gasped, then grabbed her own arm load and started chasing him. He let her catch him by running backward but in trying to throw them up high enough to reach his head she tripped and fell toward him. He caught her and the two of them fell into a pile of the golden treasure, laughing and covering each other with not only leaves but twigs, dirt and dried grass. Two ladies, also enjoying the day strolled past, one turning to the other saying, “Young kids in love … they’ll do anything. Do you remember …” Her voice faded as they continued on their way. The kids helped each other up, brushing themselves off as they walked, his arm around her waist, bodies close.

Single file, as the trial required, he led her over ground beaten solid from footsteps of the curious at heart of those who had dared this path before them. A self-fashioned stairway led dangerously to a plateau where they stopped. She sat cross legged facing the river that flowed along faithfully in the near distance. “This view is breathtaking,” she said softly, breaking the silence for the first time.

“You are breath taking,” he sat behind her and pulled her against his chest wrapping his arms around her.

She knew she should pull away, instead she looked back at him and said”, I’m as old as that river …” he stopped her, his lips on hers and pulled her around gently and onto his lap. He held her and traced her lips with his finger and each time she tried to speak his mouth closed over hers and silenced her weak protest. He scooted them both back where he could lean against a rock and they sat, her between his legs, wrapped in his arms, each lost in this impossible pleasure that filled them both with bittersweet longing.

Finally, he turned her to him and held her face in his hands, “Leave him.”

“You’re not being sensible, she said quietly.

‘Sensible? Is it sensible to get the shit kicked out of you whenever he decides it’s time? Is it sensible to let your beauty and love be smothered by fear and emptiness? You are so smart and strong. You’re such a good mother, an incredibly beautiful woman. I can’t sleep at night thinking about what might be happening to you.” She watched him while he talked and knew she hadn’t stood a chance from the first day she looked into those eyes, months before. Barely able to find her voice she told him she didn’t know if she could leave. She had left before and he always found her and eventually she always went back. Things would be ok for a while. He’d stop drinking and they would do things as a family, the kids seemed so happy during these times. She had stopped loving him years ago and, until today, had felt her ability to love had been crushed beyond redemption.

He drove back to town, his arm around her, and her head resting on his shoulder. Two blocks from the skating rink they switched places, her behind the wheel, but held hands until the kids came running out and piled into the back seat proclaiming complete starvation which only a trip to the nearest Pizza Hut would extinguish.

“Sorry kids”, she told them with words that couldn’t express how much she regretted the chance to spend another hour in absolute pleasure. “We have to get home.”

“AW! Talk to her Bobby,” pleaded his youngest brother, “You can talk her into anything."

His reply, “I wish I could,” wasn’t heard by the kids. “No, she’s right. It’s time to go back,” he said louder and was answered with loud groans of protest, none as heartbreaking as the silent ones that resonated in the hearts of the adults.

They continued to have coffee and share the bond that best friends know. She had been careful not to let circumstances lead to a day like the one they had spent in Never Land, that place of excruciating pleasure. A new development put knots in her stomach, took her breath and she had thought she would vomit when she’d heard about it. His youngest brother had brought up the subject so easily it was clear this had been going on for at least a little while. The cousin of an old girlfriend of Bobby’s had run into him and given his address to her. She had been coming up every other Saturday to see him and Kurt was teasing him about disappearing into his bedroom with her, “so they could talk in private.”

“Just SHUT UP!” Bobby yelled and looked at her with eyes that said … what? What did they say? I’m only human, it could easily be you? You chose to stay in your life and I go on with mine. I’m sorry if this hurts you but …

Since they had neither a car or phone service she had happily offered to take them to the store a couple of times a month. She had to do her own shopping anyway and spending time with Bobby was something she always cherished. She felt alive around him and as if life held unlimited possibilities. Her mood always improved in his company whether they were chaperoning the kids at the bowling alley and shooting a game of pool or sitting quietly with cups of the steaming hot coffee to which they were both heavily addicted. Today they were grocery shopping.

Bobby shook his head no to his brother’s request for a six pack of soda and tersely told him to get back in line, they needed to hurry. She drove him to his apartment, her face burning with embarrassment, her blood pulsating with jealousy of this girlfriend who would soon be where she longed to be. Whether it made sense or not, whether she had any right at all to feel deceived, cheated upon, she did. He said little on the ride home and thanked her briefly when they arrived, gathering his groceries and his big mouthed brother. His door opened just as he was digging out his key and a young girl waved in her direction. "She has a KEY?????"  It’s a wonder Lynn didn’t wreck the car for all of the green she saw driving home. “Huh", the conversation played out in her head,"so I’m explained away as the old landlady who takes pity on the kids and gives them a lift to the store? I’m the nosy apartment manager who butts into his business and watches over them because there is no typical mother or father in the home? Well, she has me at a disadvantage. At least she was aware of me.”

Her life had been miserable B.B. (before Bobby) but now it was most unbearable. Having felt the stirrings of double-dyed passion and the rumblings of what could have easily turned into the giving over of her heart, being trapped in this corpse of a marriage was absolute torture. She had watched as the hopes for a life of sanity and security were smothered, helpless,she’d believed, to change directions. The last time her husband had reached for her in his drunken stupor she had pulled away. When he had grabbed her by her hair and drug her back close to him she’d shoved the palm of her hand as hard as she could into the bottom of his nose and had taken the beating of her life. But he had left her alone. Left the house and didn’t come home until the next afternoon, which suited her fine. Then for a time, as if sensing a change in her, he began remaining sober for the most part. They had spent a lot of time doing family activities and even that left her disinterested and empty.

It wasn’t that she had really fooled herself into believing that the attraction and friendship she and Bobby shared could ever grow into anything more. It was that for the first time in her life someone saw her as brave and capable and she had become used to being treated with respect, even with gentleness. Her self pride and dignity was filling an empty place in her.

After a short time of avoiding him after she’d learned of Renee, who now had a name and visited every single Saturday, she had seen him checking his mail one day and yelled out her office door asking a favor. She hid her cigarettes and digging in her purse had asked if he could possibly spare a couple of minutes to take her car and go for a pack. She produced some money, the car keys and looked at him with what she hoped were innocent eyes. They’d spent a couple of hours talking that afternoon and even dared to bring up the subject of Renee v-e-r-y briefly. That was all it took to get them back on a schedule of spending whatever time they could in each others company.

The night she left there had been no fight, no beating. She and the kids had gone out for supper and seen a movie. On the drive home she had passed one of the bars her husband frequented and saw his car in the parking lot. As easily as drawing her next breath the decision was made. “Kids, when we get home I want you to see who can pack a suitcase the fastest with at least three outfits, p.j.’s and a couple of your favorite toys,” her voice was calm and even.

“Where are we going? Her young son was not buying this game.

“It’s a surprise”, she told him and flinched when he slammed the car door. He took his time packing once inside. Her daughter knew it was no game too, but she cooperated and went along with the pretense. There had been nights when they’d end up in a motel when her step-father didn’t come home and they’d be awakened by a near hysterical Mother packing their suitcases and urging them out of bed and into the car. She rather enjoyed those times. Everyone slept great, they usually ate out for breakfast and lunch, Mom tripped all over herself trying to make them happy and do fun things and by the time they did go home, he was sober. So she packed quickly and deliberately and carried out her suitcase and the case with everyone’s toiletries to the car.

“Are we going to another motel?’ She jumped at his voice having not heard him come up behind her.

“No, son, we’re going to Bobby’s for tonight and after that I will find us a place to live.”

“Will I get to see my Dad”, he was decidedly not happy that his crazy mother was dragging them off again.

“Yes, just as soon as I get us settled I’ll let your Dad know where we are and of course you’ll see him but right now I need you to go and get your things”, her resolve was weakening.

They had to pass the bar on the way into town. Her pulse quickened as they got closer. His car was not in the parking lot. Had he passed them on the road? It was dark. Was he pulling into their driveway now? Would he catch her before she got to Bobby’s? She was shaking now, teeth chattering and the car seemed to have a serious miss as her leg shook her foot on the accelerator.

She parked her car near the office at the apartment complex knowing that even if he saw her car, with 75 units, he’d never find the one they were in. She was still shaking and having trouble getting the suitcases out of the trunk. Her nine year old son lightened her burden by lifting the suitcase and saying, ”It’s ok if you don’t tell Dad where we are until you feel better, Mom.” Her daughter gave her a hug and took her own suitcase, heading for Bobby’s apartment.

The look on his face when he opened the door dissolved any doubts she’d had about coming to him for help. After getting her settled into a comfy chair with a hot cup of coffee and passing out hot cocoa to the kids, he got them involved in a game of Clue.

Comments 42 comments

ralwus 6 years ago

Damn your good. This is intense and I can hardly wait for the next.


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 6 years ago from On the edge Author

REALLY? Seriously? Someone voted it down and that's all the activity it's had all dammmmmed day. I was pouting here! Bless your heart CC!


SomewayOuttaHere profile image

SomewayOuttaHere 6 years ago from TheGreatGigInTheSky

...read both....you've gotten me wanting to read more....so descriptive....so well written.....


ralwus 6 years ago

What?! Someone voted it down? Maybe someone you know? Maybe it was accidental, yeah that's it. Sometimes it is easy to hit the wrong button when in a hurry. Quit pouting now 'cause I'm tellin' you it is good, even gooder than that. LOL Keep writing now. Charlie


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 6 years ago from On the edge Author

SOH, again I thank you so for your encouragement. I left a note for you after your comment on the beginning of this hub.

Charlie if it's good enough for you then that's all I need to hear. Actually I do have someone who just loathes me that haunts me occasionally when she can find me but I'd rather believe it was an accident too. No matter now with you and SOH I am once again ready to go forward pen in hand - wait, no, keyboard under fingers. Peace, love and thank-you's to you both.


Doug Turner Jr. 6 years ago

Yeah, I enjoyed this too. Up vote for me. Thanks for sharing.


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 6 years ago from On the edge Author

Thanks for stopping by and reading, Doug. I appreciate the feedback and positive encouragement.


Scarlett My Dear profile image

Scarlett My Dear 6 years ago from Missouri

She left! She left! I had hoped so!

Pooh, I know it feels just horrible when you put yourself out there and you don't receive the warm fuzzies we all want with our writing...

BUT, "Behold the Underlying Truth"...

Trust in what you FEEL about your writing and don't let another soul steal that from you!

Voted UP. *smile* *tear*


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 6 years ago from On the edge Author

Bless your heart - NOW - I'm hoping you'll tell me what happened with the next part of this because I write the truth and I don't know how to do it any other way but it did not seem to be what people expected - wouldn't change it for the world though - neither the writing or the experience.


Scarlett My Dear profile image

Scarlett My Dear 6 years ago from Missouri

The truth pours out of me too, whether in essay form, my characters I write about ~ even my very own mouth. It is my humble opinion, that you cannot censor your writing, in form or content, based on your audience alone.

If you are true to your character (in your own heart), how can anyone find fault with the course she/he takes? Perhaps it is simply the reader's wish that it turn out differently, but then, we can't always get what we want. *wink*


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 6 years ago from On the edge Author

Did you read it yet, the I Still Look For You - Chapter 2 - or are you commenting on this hub? The lack of response to Chapter 2 has mystified me for days now. I would even take being called bad names at this point....LOL


Scarlett My Dear profile image

Scarlett My Dear 6 years ago from Missouri

Can't help but *smile*.

Just read Chap 2, but have not responded... yet. I would venture the guess that we got all hot and bothered and just didn't know how to put that into words. Well, maybe I'm that lone cricket out there in the shed on that thought.


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 6 years ago from On the edge Author

"lone cricket in the shed" I like that. Well, I'm hoping, I don't know. I guess it shouldn't matter but I've poured out my heart on every other subject and everyone was following along and wanting more and then when I gave it to them it was like - - -

SCREAMING SILENCE.

Let me tell you, it wasn't easy to write and especially since I had my husband, five cats and two dogs vying for my attention while I wrote. "can you fix me a sandwich," MEOW, scratch, whine, RUFF RUFF, and he pulled her close and, YES, I believe we are almost out of coffee, I'll make a pot - that sort of thing you know, can break one's attention to detail!


Scarlett My Dear profile image

Scarlett My Dear 6 years ago from Missouri

Um, preachin' to the choir here, sister! Three kids, a husband and a mess of animals in and out. I feel your pain. I am constantly 'knitting thneeds' around here! (Dr. Seuss reference) No one needs me until they need a thneed knitted, ya know?!

It's hard waiting for a response when you let go through your writing. Harder when you feel you need that vote of confidence to continue. Look within. That's what I keep telling myself.

I like to think of SNL's, Stuart Smalley's Life Affirmations ~

"Because you're good enough!

You're smart enough!

And, gosh darnit, people like you!"


maggs224 profile image

maggs224 6 years ago from Sunny Spain

Excellent, I was held fast once again from the start to the finish, I can't wait to read more.


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 6 years ago from On the edge Author

What a happy surprise to see you maggs! And thank-you for the reading and your comments. I have written five now in this series so you have some catching up to do. There are SO many wonderful writers here it is impossible to keep up. Cheers!


QudsiaP1 profile image

QudsiaP1 6 years ago

Awesome as ever, though could I ask you of a favour? Could you possibly link all the parts so they are easy to find?

Going to read part 3 now. :)

Ma'am you have me addicted.


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 6 years ago from On the edge Author

I will try - I have to figure this out. I'll go looking again to see how to do this. I'm sure it's quite easy but I have not yet figured out how to.

Thanks for the kind remark too!


Maria Cecilia profile image

Maria Cecilia 6 years ago from Philippines

this is sad and addicting, got jealous witn the gf hahahah.... tell me poohgranma is this a true to life story?


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 6 years ago from On the edge Author

Unfortunately,yes. This was my life 100% true


AngRose profile image

AngRose 6 years ago

I agree with ralwus.,..intense! I sat here waiting to find out what happened and caught myself holding my breath for a minute! LOL Definitely voted UP!!!!


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 6 years ago from On the edge Author

Thank-you again, AngRose for your feedback. It's wonderful to know my words can elicit such emotion. And yes, it was very very intense at the time too.


Nicky Bantham profile image

Nicky Bantham 5 years ago

Your ability to build suspense is amazing. I have been away all weekend, am G-eyed, but glued to your emotive and unique expression in this hub.You have a raw and natural talent for writing that is REALLY FRESH!I am wondering whether you are with a writing school?I really think this is a good way to start building an audience, send out drafts to as many publishers and SELL the rest of your writing. Why should we not pay for such amazing literary genius??I really feel how Bobby awakens your passion!Loved part 2 and can identify with every key moment in it.Brilliant!


Adela Rasta profile image

Adela Rasta 5 years ago from Dublin, Ireland

True tales are very often the best sort, even when they may seem fantastical (though this doesn't!). I'm going to keep reading all the parts, have read the first two and loved them. You write with a gripping, realistic style which draws the reader into the situation and gives them a close-up emotional view of it. I really want to see what happens next, I think I'll be going to bed late tonight, can't put your hubs down!


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 5 years ago from On the edge Author

Nicky - My Mother played the piano and never learned a note of music. She played professionally too. She didn't want it to mess up her style because playing by ear, she made each note her own - but was true to the piece. The only time I feel my writing is worthy of reading is when the emotion is so clear that it comes easily. Unfortunately my lack of formal education in writing other than a semester in Jr College, shines through too often and I need an editor to fix all of my technical mistakes and bring me back to task if I wander.

Who wouldn't be thrilled with your praise but I don't feel my writing is worthy. I do thank you though, I like that you enjoy reading it!


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 5 years ago from On the edge Author

Adela - I'm so glad you are enjoying my writing. I'm afraid some parts are less entertaining than others, trying to transition time to get to the next, more important issues. But life isn't all noteworthy - unless you count surviving those days and weeks of mundane tasks that we all must do - I guess that is really the test though, to live and not just have event after event. Those times too have their story and victories but do not fit here. You flatter me with your attention. I hope you continue to enjoy reading. Thank-you so much.


saddlerider1 profile image

saddlerider1 5 years ago

This brings back memories of when my mother use to open the curtains and peek out the windows, waiting and watching for her drunken abusive boyfriend who lived with us to appear. If he was moving from side to side, then she knew he was drunk and the night would be hell on earth for her and us.

She would have our things packed and ready to leave through the back door, down the shed steps and out the back lane to the next street. Wave down a taxi and take us to a motel or to an aunt for a day or two.

She would talk to this animal on the phone and he would always coax her back, it's almost like she was addicted to forgiving him and hoping that he will change, it never happened.

You are walking a tightrope here, feeling the gentleness and kindness from Bobby makes you feel wanted, therefore you trust him and want to run to him, I understand that feeling, to get away from the beatings from the demon husband you live with.

I look forward to Chapter 3, by the way, great writing here. You certainly take command of articulation and place your words down so well. I enjoy reading your work.

Hugs from me to you.


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 5 years ago from On the edge Author

After getting out of this an any other relationships like it, I look back and can not for the life of me understand why I stayed or let him come back except that my growing up had been so similar. It's kind of pitiful that I got to be that age before someone came along and showed me what tenderness and respect could feel like. I guess that's why he has remained in my heart and memories are so clear. Had the relationship evolved to stand the test of time I know it would never have worked, it's just a turning point for which I am thankful.

God has blessed me with a funny, kind and gentle man that has spent the past 23 years with me, each of us nursing each others life wounds but also having lots of fun and the kind of love that does not go away, but just matures as we do.

Thank you for spending the time reading and for your gracious comments!


Just Life 5 years ago

To be in an abusive relationship, no matter how "used to it" a person may become can only be degrading and a very lonely place.

In ways I am so glad this woman has Bobby to go to. Yet in other ways I'm so worried for her! I so hope she isn't getting into a different relationship too quickly, and that she accepts being at Bobby's apartment as just a temporary harbor.

It is so hard to be strong sometimes. And so strange that we can be strong in one aspect of our lives, while weak as water in another.

I will be back soon to read the next chapter! I am enthralled!


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 5 years ago from On the edge Author

"It is so hard to be strong sometimes. And so strange that we can be strong in one aspect of our lives, while weak as water in another."

So completely true. One can be very affective in the work world and a doormat at home. Thanks so for reading and your kind comments!


Minnetonka Twin profile image

Minnetonka Twin 5 years ago from Minnesota

Hi Poohgranma. Ok, so here it is in a nutshell. I have now read chapter one and two. I am so addicted and can't wait for more and more...That is why I love hubpages. We get to read amazing stories from people we respect and care about. Who needs to go to the libray when we have our own amazing publishers right here. I am such a fan my dear friend. I think I'm going to be up late tonite. LOL


Healing Touch profile image

Healing Touch 5 years ago from Minnetonka, MN

I can hardly breathe, this is so good. I can't seem to go to be and I work tomorrow. I am so glad you left, but I just can't bear to know what happens. OMG this is great.


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 5 years ago from On the edge Author

That is one of the nicest compliments I have ever received! I don't want you groggy at work tomorrow though, you need to find a pausing point!


Healing Touch profile image

Healing Touch 5 years ago from Minnetonka, MN

I read up to four last night and read all the rest today and dreamdt all night about it. You are amazing. I have never dreamdt like this about a hub.


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 5 years ago from On the edge Author

You've read all 22 or 23 hubs???? YOU are amazing!!!


Healing Touch profile image

Healing Touch 5 years ago from Minnetonka, MN

Poohgranma

Your amazing. I could not stop.


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia

this was just as good as the first one, you my dear are not only a strong brave woman but also a first grade writer, I will be back for more :)


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 5 years ago from On the edge Author

You are kind. I hope that you will have time to read the rest and that it will not disappoint.


rajan jolly profile image

rajan jolly 5 years ago from From Mumbai, presently in Jalandhar,INDIA.

You continue with the same amazing clarity and easy write,engrossing read and I want to read further.


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 5 years ago from On the edge Author

rajan jolly - I hope that you do. It would be a great honor. Thank-you!


baygirl33 profile image

baygirl33 4 years ago from Hamilton On.

Hi Pooh! Gotta say I have hit a road block in my writing,no motivation.So here I sit reading you.I'm glad you finally left!It's sad how long we put up with this kind of thing.I had an early life of misery like that,but left and tumbled through life for about five years, then at 19 met the love of my life and lived a happy life.But as you know the rest is history.

I really enjoyed your part 1 and 2.Don't be bothered by one or two comments.Look how many kind and supportive comments you get instead. Keep on keeping on!


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 4 years ago from On the edge Author

Trying to Vicky - trying to keep on keeping on. Some days I think I need a "keeper" though, lol.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    More by this Author

    • TIME TO SAY GOODBYE MY FRIEND
      11

      For my readers who have been following the "I Still Look For You" memoir, this is a peek at the final chapter. I don't know of an author who didn't see the end coming to their own story, but this happened to...


    Click to Rate This Article
    working