I , Will Never Hurt again
She sat there starting at her phone’s screen, scrolling through her contacts looking for a familiar name. And as her tears clouded her field of vision she saw his name, status, and the little words of pure misery that spelled out “online”. Sure enough, it has been ages since they talked, but right now , she need him. She needed someone to tell her it was okay to break; it was okay to cry; she needed permission to shatter.
She sunk into her bed sheets with bitterness multiplying exponentially inside her and she remembered. He had let himself into her world forcing his way in and yet again, he had forced his way out so easily. But , she had grown dependent on his presence, yearning for his listening when her world was shattering.
Initially, she did not let her guard down for anyone especially him because she knew and knew too well that when you let your guard down, you must be prepared for possible heartache. And so, she felt his presence dimly flicker beside her still body as his status shifted from online to offline multiple times. As the gravity of the recent memories sunk in she contemplated the late thoughts of letting go of her pride and messaging him.
Under her blankets she shivered, tracing the hot mark on her cheek. It was a badge of lost honor in a moment of rage. And like a wounded animal she walked off that battlefield with her tail between her legs. She sighed at the tears that invaded her cold skinned and sniffed through her “other” contacts looking for a single soul that would actually care to listen to her. She flicked through their profiles, pictures, and statuses and wondered about all that happiness that they radiated with. And so, she felt the bitterness she held onto awaken and undo the already weakened chains that kept it in place. She felt the thoughts of hatred and the desire to rip off their smiling faces take over her anger at her present broken condition.
Sure enough, it hadn’t hurt to be beaten up, physically that is. But psychologically, she knew it had wreaked havoc in her psyche. Heck , she was old enough to shield the pain away, conquer it and simply hit the restart button overwriting all memories and emotions that got under her skin. But tonight, she was inapt, lacking and incapable of simply writing-off those haunting memories.
Under the stinging feeling of her tears, she felt reality slap her twice on the already stained hurting cheek. One: for the fact that she had over 20 close friends who she thought cherished her and none who she could actually confide to, and two for driving away the only person who had the courage to listen to her misery when her world was shattering. It wasn’t fair that her consciousness decided to play judge and jury when she was a mental disaster, but who said life loved giving you a break when you were actually having a nervous breakdown ?
Somehow she found herself biting her tears; tears that spoke of betrayal, incomprehension, weakness and bitterness. She felt pathetic, pretty much looked like one and knew that all the progress that she made during the last year has been swept away by the wind of rage.
Silently, she sat up in her own mind straightening up her thoughts. She did not need them, After all, who needs people to talk to when you are breaking all by yourself. It is not like they will ever comprehend the severity of such a recurring act. Maybe, she told herself, it was time to take out the scotch tape and tape back the pieces that had already fallen apart. “heh” it is never too late, she told herself. She had already done that multiple times in the past. And so, she took on her fetus position and assured her self that she could rebuild her ivory tower back again from the ash that has filled her field of vision. “This time” she vowed as she dug through the moist soil drenched in her tears , “this time” she said “it will be stronger higher , inaccessible to any other form of life and more secluded. This time for sure I, I … I will not hurt again.”
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