Idiot's Guide and Tips To Successful Job Interviews

That all important Interview

A friend was nervous about an upcoming interview. The job was one that he really wanted, it would solve several problems and would just about double his income. Since he was well grounded and had plenty of experience with job interviews and knew all the dos and don't of job interviews, I decided to put together a helpful list of don'ts.


Androgynous Power Dressing
Androgynous Power Dressing
Carefully chosen Make-up
Carefully chosen Make-up

Appearance

It is important to give that great first impression.

  • Do not wear your leather gear, gimp collar, or gag ball.
  • Do not shave your eyebrows.
  • Do not wear your nose ring, tongue barbell, or eyebrow ring, lip ring, or labret.
  • Do not wear a wife beater, tube top, halter top, skin tight, or net shirt.
  • Do not wear skinny jeans, hot pants, daisy dukes, bike shorts, sagging pants, or pajamas.
  • Do not wear low riding pants with high riding boxers.
  • Do not wear your favorite jeans with holes.
  • Do not wear slippers, sandals, combat boots, rain gear boots, flip flops, or clogs.
  • Do not wear a baseball cap, skull cap, knitted hat, redneck cap, or dew rag.
  • Do not wear bling, ear stretchers, spiked collars, dog collars, or paper clips in your ears.
  • Do not color your nails with black nail polish.
  • Do not have subtle messages on your nails like Lindsey Lohan.
  • Do not shave half your head and dye the other half red, blue, or green.
  • Do not wear heavy eyeliner and purple eyeshadow and black lipstick.
  • Do not draw larger eyebrows, larger lips, or cat eyes.
  • Do not draw arrows, suggestive messages or politically incorrect quips on your neck, arms, hands, etc.


10 Minutes either way is ok, they will probably start late anyway.
10 Minutes either way is ok, they will probably start late anyway.

Arrive on Time

  • Do not get drunk the night before the interview to celebrate.
  • Do not leave home at the time the interview is scheduled, the interviewers expect you to be there already.
  • Do not announce your arrival to the office staff by banging the door loudly.
  • Do not flirt with the office staff no matter how slutty they appear to be.
  • Do not tell personal stories to the office staff and people in the waiting room.
  • Do not ask other people in the reception area why they are there.
  • Do not start telling jokes, doing tricks, making faces, or sticking your tongue out to see what they will do.
  • Do not hum, sing, dance, or sway to the muzak.
  • Do not stretch, jump, squat, or 'get in a few crunches' while you wait.
  • Do not ask the office staff to see if they can hurry this thing up.
  • Do not put your feet upon the furniture, even if the waiting area is empty.
  • Do not fall asleep, snore, or yawn excessively.
  • Do not clip your nails, pick your nose, or comb your hair.
  • Do not pick your teeth, floss your teeth, or blow into your hand so that you can smell your breath.
  • Do not pick your blemishes and then wash them off by licking your finger.
  • Do not pass gas, laugh at someone who does pass gas, or cover your nose and mouth with your shirt.
  • Do not get nervous and try to smell your armpits.
  • Do not laugh when someone trips.
  • Do not bring your breakfast with you even if you know that you will have to wait.


The Interview

  • Do not introduce yourself by asking or saying, “Sup?” “How ya doin?” “Hey Dude” or “Yo.”
  • Do not bump fists, high five, slide, include a chest bump, or pull your hand away and laugh.
  • Do not grab the interviewer's hand and squeeze with all your might.
  • Do not grab the best chair and call dibs on it, they are standing to greet you.
  • Do not lay your keys, cigarettes, and gum on the table.
  • Do not answer your cell phone, unless it is that girl you met last night.
  • Do not allow your cell phone to ring over and over hoping to impress them with the number of friends you have.
  • Do not hold your cell phone in your lap so that you can text without them noticing.
  • Do not laugh at the interviewer if they should choke on coffee or make a mistake.
  • Do not ask for more cream and sugar if a coffee is offered.
  • Do not ask if they have any candy.
  • Do not ask how much this job pays, if there is vacation, how much sick leave is available, and if you can take mental health days.
  • Do not tell them that their questions are dumb and they should think of new ones.
  • Do not tell them you have no idea if they ask why they should hire you.
  • Do not tell them that you are in a hurry, and ask how long will this interview take?


Truth about Misconceptions

  • Girls will not rip your clothes off in the elevator because your wear AXE.
  • Wearing more axe will not make the above happen.
  • Smoking Marlboro does not make you seem like a rugged cowboy.
  • Your sexual prowess does not impress interviewers.
  • Bragging does not improve your chances.
  • There is no evidence that vikings wear horns on their helmets.
  • Most men do not think about S*E*X every 7 seconds.
  • Bats are not blind.
  • Interviewers are not genetically superior.
  • Most people do not like to be insulted and made the brunt of a joke.
  • Fat people are not lazy.
  • Skinny people are not sneaky.
  • Men and women can actually be friends.
  • Winter is not the only season in Canada.
  • Blackmail and bribes are not the best way to get a promotion.

More by this Author


Comments 22 comments

drbj profile image

drbj 6 years ago from south Florida

Ingenious and chuckle-producing, Steve. Loved every witty word. Especially since I spent much of my life interviewing job applicants or training other folks in how to interview.

Most interesting interviewee: a woman who wore her hair in very large hair curlers during entire interview. Later learned she had to provide evidence of having interviews in order to continue collecting unemployment, but wanted to make certain that in the process she would NOT be hired. If you want to read more see my hub on Un-Successful Interviewing.


SteveoMc profile image

SteveoMc 6 years ago from Pacific NorthWest Author

drbj Glad you liked it.....it was another one that was fun to read. I love the hair in curlers interview. LOL


frogdropping profile image

frogdropping 6 years ago

I second drbj - made me giggle. I will take note of your advice. Or anti-advice. Well done, great hub :)


samiaali profile image

samiaali 6 years ago

This is so funny SteveoMc. A great hub to start my day! Thanks for the laughs!


SteveoMc profile image

SteveoMc 6 years ago from Pacific NorthWest Author

frogdropping Thanks for the read, I appreciate it. Glad you enjoyed it...it was fun to write.

Samiaal Thanks for the continued support....glad to give you an amusing start.


dallas93444 profile image

dallas93444 6 years ago from Bakersfield, CA

Jobs are like puzzles: you must fit the square hole... with a "square" employee. An entertaining hub!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS

How entertaining, yet so applicable - if, indeed, any of the current crop of wannabes WOULD actually go for an interview doing any ONE of those obvious 'no-nos'! I suppose they might, though, since they seem so pervasive in their regular lives. Unless someone coaches them to know better, how WOULD they know? It's working so well amongst themselves, apparently ...

Love this, Steve! You do write a good hub, whether practical, funny or both!


kellieshell 6 years ago

this is funny. I am in the process of making a hub for how to dress for an interview. it wont be nearly as funny as this one though. thanks for sharing!


SteveoMc profile image

SteveoMc 6 years ago from Pacific NorthWest Author

Thank you so much Nellieanna, always glad to see you come by and thanks for the complement! You know I am going to say that enjoying the hub is the greatest complement, but it is cool to hear it.


SteveoMc profile image

SteveoMc 6 years ago from Pacific NorthWest Author

dallas Thanks for the read, I appreciate it and I am so glad you were entertained.

Kellieshell Thanks for reading, How to dress for an interview sounds delightful...I can think of all sorts of stuff that you should not wear to an interview besides the ones that I mentioned here.


chirls profile image

chirls 6 years ago from Indiana (for now)

Love your article! I've done a lot of interviewing but thankfully I don't think anyone ever did any of the above. I'm not sure I could have stopped myself from laughing out loud!


SteveoMc profile image

SteveoMc 6 years ago from Pacific NorthWest Author

chirls thanks for the comment...appreciate it. Glad you enjoyed it.


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 6 years ago from Upstate New York

This made me laugh. I'm always a wreck at interviews--I don't know why, just nervous with strangers. It doesn't help! I try to keep the bad habits to a min. while interviewing, but unfortunately have been known to duck out for a smoke. Bad policy, I believe I've lost opportunities that way.


SteveoMc profile image

SteveoMc 6 years ago from Pacific NorthWest Author

Paradise7 Glad you got a chuckle out of this. It was one of those that is fun to write. LOL I want to duck out for a smoke right now. Thanks for coming by.


Lord Gaga 6 years ago

I had some frightful oicks apply for the post of butler here at Crapping Hall in England recently. One young bounder actually had the effrontery to arrive wearing brown shoes. Hardly the thing, eh, what, old chap? Pip-pip!


ExpandYourMind profile image

ExpandYourMind 6 years ago from Midwest USA

Funny . . . Funny . . . but all so true. Thanks!


Scribenet profile image

Scribenet 6 years ago from Ontario, Canada

Funny! A great read after a long and tiring workday! Just what I needed!


SteveoMc profile image

SteveoMc 6 years ago from Pacific NorthWest Author

Lord Gaga LOL very funny.....I must try to get rid of those brown shoes.

ExpandYourMind Thanks for reading and glad your enjoyed it.

Scribenet Glad to help put an amusing ending to a long day. Thanks for the read and comments.


danatheteacher profile image

danatheteacher 6 years ago from Pacific Northwest

ah Steve, I miss you ;)


SteveoMc profile image

SteveoMc 6 years ago from Pacific NorthWest Author

dana my friend....thanks for reading and the comment. I miss you too!


xnotion profile image

xnotion 6 years ago

This is hilarious, but also, importantly, true! You should also add to your list something about having a good image online because most employers will check your Facebook page before hiring too.


SteveoMc profile image

SteveoMc 6 years ago from Pacific NorthWest Author

xnotion Thanks for the comment...glad you got a laugh out of it. Good idea, check the facebook page before going for an interview!

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