Idiot's Guide and Tips To Successful Job Interviews
That all important Interview
A friend was nervous about an upcoming interview. The job was one that he really wanted, it would solve several problems and would just about double his income. Since he was well grounded and had plenty of experience with job interviews and knew all the dos and don't of job interviews, I decided to put together a helpful list of don'ts.
It is important to give that great first impression.
- Do not wear your leather gear, gimp collar, or gag ball.
- Do not shave your eyebrows.
- Do not wear your nose ring, tongue barbell, or eyebrow ring, lip ring, or labret.
- Do not wear a wife beater, tube top, halter top, skin tight, or net shirt.
- Do not wear skinny jeans, hot pants, daisy dukes, bike shorts, sagging pants, or pajamas.
- Do not wear low riding pants with high riding boxers.
- Do not wear your favorite jeans with holes.
- Do not wear slippers, sandals, combat boots, rain gear boots, flip flops, or clogs.
- Do not wear a baseball cap, skull cap, knitted hat, redneck cap, or dew rag.
- Do not wear bling, ear stretchers, spiked collars, dog collars, or paper clips in your ears.
- Do not color your nails with black nail polish.
- Do not have subtle messages on your nails like Lindsey Lohan.
- Do not shave half your head and dye the other half red, blue, or green.
- Do not wear heavy eyeliner and purple eyeshadow and black lipstick.
- Do not draw larger eyebrows, larger lips, or cat eyes.
- Do not draw arrows, suggestive messages or politically incorrect quips on your neck, arms, hands, etc.
Arrive on Time
- Do not get drunk the night before the interview to celebrate.
- Do not leave home at the time the interview is scheduled, the interviewers expect you to be there already.
- Do not announce your arrival to the office staff by banging the door loudly.
- Do not flirt with the office staff no matter how slutty they appear to be.
- Do not tell personal stories to the office staff and people in the waiting room.
- Do not ask other people in the reception area why they are there.
- Do not start telling jokes, doing tricks, making faces, or sticking your tongue out to see what they will do.
- Do not hum, sing, dance, or sway to the muzak.
- Do not stretch, jump, squat, or 'get in a few crunches' while you wait.
- Do not ask the office staff to see if they can hurry this thing up.
- Do not put your feet upon the furniture, even if the waiting area is empty.
- Do not fall asleep, snore, or yawn excessively.
- Do not clip your nails, pick your nose, or comb your hair.
- Do not pick your teeth, floss your teeth, or blow into your hand so that you can smell your breath.
- Do not pick your blemishes and then wash them off by licking your finger.
- Do not pass gas, laugh at someone who does pass gas, or cover your nose and mouth with your shirt.
- Do not get nervous and try to smell your armpits.
- Do not laugh when someone trips.
- Do not bring your breakfast with you even if you know that you will have to wait.
- Do not introduce yourself by asking or saying, “Sup?” “How ya doin?” “Hey Dude” or “Yo.”
- Do not bump fists, high five, slide, include a chest bump, or pull your hand away and laugh.
- Do not grab the interviewer's hand and squeeze with all your might.
- Do not grab the best chair and call dibs on it, they are standing to greet you.
- Do not lay your keys, cigarettes, and gum on the table.
- Do not answer your cell phone, unless it is that girl you met last night.
- Do not allow your cell phone to ring over and over hoping to impress them with the number of friends you have.
- Do not hold your cell phone in your lap so that you can text without them noticing.
- Do not laugh at the interviewer if they should choke on coffee or make a mistake.
- Do not ask for more cream and sugar if a coffee is offered.
- Do not ask if they have any candy.
- Do not ask how much this job pays, if there is vacation, how much sick leave is available, and if you can take mental health days.
- Do not tell them that their questions are dumb and they should think of new ones.
- Do not tell them you have no idea if they ask why they should hire you.
- Do not tell them that you are in a hurry, and ask how long will this interview take?
Truth about Misconceptions
- Girls will not rip your clothes off in the elevator because your wear AXE.
- Wearing more axe will not make the above happen.
- Smoking Marlboro does not make you seem like a rugged cowboy.
- Your sexual prowess does not impress interviewers.
- Bragging does not improve your chances.
- There is no evidence that vikings wear horns on their helmets.
- Most men do not think about S*E*X every 7 seconds.
- Bats are not blind.
- Interviewers are not genetically superior.
- Most people do not like to be insulted and made the brunt of a joke.
- Fat people are not lazy.
- Skinny people are not sneaky.
- Men and women can actually be friends.
- Winter is not the only season in Canada.
- Blackmail and bribes are not the best way to get a promotion.
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