If the Night before Christmas was in present day America
What if Clement Moore had written this poem in present day?
Everyone has heard the "Twas the night before Christmas" poem by Clement Moore, but what would it sound like nowadays. After all, that poem was written in 1822. I'm just an amateur poet and rapper, but it would be nice to see what kind of lyrics Clement Moore could have come up with for this modern day era. Who says "twas" anymore anyway? Have you not ever wondered what the typical American would do if they saw an old fat man fall out of their chimney? I hesitate to think that I wouldn't be apt to shoot someone for coming down my chimney. I can see my father now, coming down the steps to find a fat old dude in our living room. That would not have ended well. So let's take a look at what this poem would most likely look like today.
Twas the night before Christmas: Modern Day
It's the night before the Holidays "so I don't offend anybody"
Seriously guys, Holidays. Can't you all get a hobby?
But let me get back to this poem about Santa Claus
This poem will reveal all of Mr. Clement Moore's flaws.
So let's see. Where were we. Ah yes Holiday night.
Santa and his nine reindeer had just taken flight.
As he arrived at our house, we heard him up on the roof.
We looked at each other and thought "man what a goof".
There's a perfectly good door, but he chooses the hard way.
So me and my buddy thought we'd have some fun this holiday.
The fire was about out, so we added wood with haste.
When Santa came down that chimney you should've seen his face.
He was hooting and hollering, just acting like a nut.
But I can't say I blame him. Flames were burning his butt.
We had a good laugh and finally helped put him out.
Santa looked at us with anger, with a cringed up mouth.
He said "why would you do that. I bring gifts for you".
We said no offense Santa, but me and my buddy are Jews.
"But that can not be right. I checked this list twice"
"Oh yeah that's probably because we have been pretty nice"
"Well never the less. Since you've been nice and I'm here"
"What do you guys say. Would you like a present this year"
We looked at each other and thought, hey why not.
"OK Santa, hand me the bag and let's see what you've got."
But as we were looking, my father came down the stairs.
I can imagine what he thought when he saw Santa's singed butt hairs.
He yelled back to mom, "Hey bring me my gun"
With these words, Santa Claus broke off in a run.
By the time Santa Claus had reached the front door
Dad had already put holes in the walls and the floor.
Santa was trying his best to stay out of the way of harm
But Dad was an excellent shot and winged his right arm.
Santa's wound was bleeding now, leaving tracks in the snow.
But Dad was so persistent, refusing to let him go.
As dad chased him out, he shot one more time
This scared Santa so bad, he froze like a mime.
Santa: "OK let's just talk. Can't you see I bring cheer"
Dad: "Oh, there will be plenty time to talk when the cops get here"
Santa: "The cops, but I still have to make more visitations"
Dad: "The only place you'll be going is down to the station"
When the cops finally arrived, they put Santa in the back
No one believed in him anyway. They thought this man was a quack.
So in the end we wound up with his bag full of toys.
I somewhat felt bad for the rest of those girls and boys.
But not bad enough because we kept everything.
Stuff like Computers, Ipods and even diamond rings.
But out of everything we got, my favorite treat
Was that succulent, tasty, tender reindeer meat.
This was just a little spoof for you to enjoy.
I'm not even Jewish. I'm just a southern boy.
I do have to say this, and don't mean to cause a fuss.
But quit saying Holiday. The term is Christmas!
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