I'm Choosing Me

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My whole life

I did things I didn't want to

I followed your lead even if I felt I was compromising myself

At least now I have a place to run to

A place for myself

I choose me

No longer will I not listen to the feeling in my gut

I love you more than myself sometimes

But you don't know how to love, do you?

Many times you've been cold without emotion or caring

You didn't show by your action that you cared

You left me alone, in my misery you just stared

When you want your way you'll do anything to get it

You even fake tears sometimes

Or you say you wish you were never born

I'm so sorry

that you were born handicapped this way

that you were born without a logical way

It seems

you'll never know reality

completely

as your mind takes little turns

from one place to another

you can't seem to learn

sometimes

I asked you who loved me when I felt like no one did

and you gave me a list of ten people of whom

I was not even close to and it didn't include you

When my brother was suicidal you kept pushing him to the brink

until my dad came on the scene and stopped you

Even though my dad was a monster in ways

He prevented your monster from winning it's way

I love you more than life

sometimes

My mother of whom I always put my trust in

I always believed you would never hurt me

or desert me

But as time goes on I can see things more clearly

And each time I open myself up to you,

you can hurt me so deeply

So deeply

I feel that today as I was leaving and

choosing not to see you

I was doing what I wanted to do

Not what you told me to do

I felt like I was clinging on strongly to a mountain

that was just above an abyss

of hell

an abyss you could put me through

I felt strong like a lioness with arms so powerful they won't let go

And I'll keep climbing

this time

to the top, as far as I can go

I will always love you

You are the parent I feel the parent of

You are the little one I took care of

I loved you unconditionally

so preciously

so dearly

so affectionately

with the love of a child

One day you discarded that poem of love

I had written for you

It was framed in the living room

And you took it down

So I asked for it and I put it in a safe place

It's so strange how your feelings can seem erased

Like maybe they were never there in the first place

I will always love you

But I need to succeed

I don't want to be

used for your pleasure and not your treasure

Are you capable of love?

Do you even love yourself?


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Comments 6 comments

Mhatter99 profile image

Mhatter99 4 years ago from San Francisco

Great choice... great insight... great poem... thank you


Faith Reaper profile image

Faith Reaper 4 years ago from southern USA

Excellent and wonderful poem. Voted Way Up In His Love, Faith Reaper


blondey profile image

blondey 4 years ago Author

Thanks Mhatter99 and Faith Reaper for seeing the positivity in this poem. Expression is so healing! :)


kashmir56 profile image

kashmir56 4 years ago from Massachusetts

What a beautifully written poem this is and so full of emotion !

Well Done ! Vote up and more !!!


ahorseback profile image

ahorseback 3 years ago

Blondey . this is +++++++! and I'm kinda speechless!


blondey profile image

blondey 3 years ago Author

Ed,

thank you , I forgot about this one, it made me cry....thank you!

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