In Love with a Married Man
In Love with a Married Man
It is 5 am, I can't sleep. Tossing and turning for the whole night and I still have not had one wink of sleep. I feel like my heart is about to explode, I am finding it difficult to focus. Eating is becoming a chore, everything I do just reminds me of him. I have switched off the TV, and shut off all social media because everything I see, or hear just reminds me of him.
Yesterday I took a long walk in the park, and I cast my mind back to when I first met him 10 years ago. We met online, we started talking on the phone straight away. I instantly connected with him, we clicked. Like, it was just meant to be, nothing could tear us apart. We would speak for hours on the phone every day. My beloved, Marcus. I loved him from the very start, but things were complicated in my life. I had family issues, and other problems I needed to deal with. I didn't want to put him through all the drama so I distanced myself from him.
He would try and call me and I would not answer the phone. Not because I didn't want to speak to him, but because I really didn't want to get any closer and eventually end up hurting him. For years, we would lose contact and then get back in touch. He was always in a relationship and so was I. However, we always maintained that we loved each other.
Things became complicated when he had a child, and I also had a child. It became impossible for us to talk. We eventually met up for a few hours one afternoon and we both accepted that we were still in love. He was with someone, and I was with someone but we wanted each other.
A few years down the line, we connected again and he told me he was engaged. The pain I felt was unbearable. I can remember that stabbing pain in my heart, I still loved him but I kept it to myself. Then we planned to meet up just for one last time before he got married. Then out of the blue his fiance sent me a message telling me to leave him alone. Even though I wasn't actively pursuing him, she could see that he had feelings for me. So she put a stop to it, I didn't speak to him for months. The next thing I knew, he was married and we got back in touch. He said he had never stopped thinking about me, I didn't want to go down this road of being in love with a married man but I just couldn't help it.
My love for him never died, I decided to let it go. For a few months I did not speak to him, I would ignore his messages and just try and stay busy to forget about him. Then one day he sent me a message, and I just broke down in tears. We started talking again on the phone, it was obvious that we both still had strong feelings for each other. We couldn't do anything about those feelings though. We had to just accept that it was never going to amount to anything.
Fast forward a few weeks, this happened last week. We decided to meet up and spend some together. He lived out of town, so he met up in a hotel, it sounds seedy I know. But it really wasn't like that at all. We had a beautiful night together, we made love and spoke non stop and listened to our favourite songs. I felt happy and sad afterwards because, I was glad I got to spend time with him, but at the same time he is a married man. He told me that he really wanted me but I disappeared for years so he just got on with his life.
When I look at the two of them together, there is no chemistry there at all. He doesn't look at her the way he looks at me. I don't want to destroy their marriage, I don't want to get involved in their lives. All I know is that I love him with every piece of me, and I know he loves me too. We both regret not just finding a way to be together from the start. Now, he is with someone else and there is nothing that can be done about it. They have 2 kids together and it would be wrong to break up a family for the sake of our love.
She knows he loves me too, she told me. She said in her message, "I know he loves you, and not me but he has to stay because he has a family, so please just leave him alone." So, she knows their marriage is built on the grounds they have kids and so she doesn't want to destroy that. I can understand that fully, and that is why I have to move on and forget about him. It is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Because I love him from the bottom of my heart. I just can't continue to hurt myself like this, I can't continue to feel this way knowing that we just can't be together. It is too hard.
I will continue to write in my diary like this,and convey my feelings to the pages. I love you my beloved, but I have to let you go.
Forever loving you, your T. XXXX
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