In Memory Of Josh

Bigger than life, charm in a Hollywood smile

Dressed to the teeth suit of armored beguile

Mirror, mirror, on the wall

A golden prince never to fall

This child, my son, my love, my all

---------------------------------------------- 

Rock a bye, my baby, though, not in a while

Key to the door opens life played his style

Mirror, mirror, on the wall

Eyes see the fear in a close call

This child, my son, my love, my all

--------------------------------------------------------

Darkness falls early says the two-faced sundial

Leaving confusion in the wake of blind denial

Mirror, mirror, on the wall

Empty glass the curtain call

This child, my son, my love, my all

-------------------------------------------------------

Left with what I could not see tears compile

Your brutal final days the bitter end of wile

Mirror, mirror, on the wall

See the loss I can't bear to recall

This child, my son, my love, my all

------------------------------------------------------

For You Josh - You Are Loved

Comments 75 comments

bbnix profile image

bbnix 5 years ago from Southern California

I'm sorry Amy...

A beautifully loving poem, my dear friend...

Please feel free to e-mail for no good reason at all...

Much love,

bb


saddlerider1 profile image

saddlerider1 5 years ago

You painted this beautiful poem with your LOVE brush I felt it in your heart, every stroke YELLOW sunshine you drew a line for LOVE. I love this song and video,it stirred the feelings in me as well. Powerful verse

"Darkness falls early says the two-faced sundial

Leaving confusion in the wake of blind denial"

My heart goes out to you, peace and hugs from someone who feels....


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Actually, dear bbnix, Josh is my ex's nephew. Josh's mom is my ex's sister. She divorced Josh's abusive dad a long time ago. She and Josh were very close. She loved him so much, I can't imagine how she'll get through this. I tried to convey her complete denial and now the reality of the loss of her son to AIDS. He died at 28 years old a few days ago after spending agonizing weeks in the hospital. When the doctor and the chaplain told her all that was left to do, if/when he went home, was to rely on hospice to keep him comfortable, she looked at her brother, my ex, and said "What do they mean?" I can't imagine watching your beautiful, bigger than life child go through what Josh did, and ever have another happy, peaceful moment in your life. Thank you for your kindness, bbnix.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

You are so beautiful, saddlerider, in your compassion and understanding. Josh grew into an extraordinarily beautiful young man, the apple of his mom's eye. He grew from a dorky, chubby adolescent into a 6'4" hunk of Hollywood looks with the same sweetness of the dorky little kid he once was. His mom is suffering on so many levels now. Its unfathomable to get a grip on that kind of pain. Thank you for your beautiful compassion, Ken.


saddlerider1 profile image

saddlerider1 5 years ago

I feel her pain and I know life will never be the same. I have a handsome beautiful son living the gay life in Vancouver and I often worry about his safety, he is smart but one never knows, sex and carelessness go hand in hand at times and it could be deadly. It's so sad to read of so many young men and woman who loose their fight to AIDS even though the scientists and doctors have extended lives with new medicine, it's still so painful to watch them go through this agony. Blessings and peace to your ex sister in law in her sorrow...One never wants to see a child leave our world before a parent and believe me I am also struggling with my 17 yr old son who is captured by the drugs and booze and I have him in weekly counseling and once in rehab. He is coming along, but it's a constant struggle, I cited a poem in one of my writes The Venomous Snake and it's in H.S. where he started taking them...Hugs


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Dear Ken, my only child, a daughter had a car accident years ago. She broke her T-12, a compression fracture in her back. She healed while wearing a backbrace for a year. She was lucky, but still has pain that ranges from bearable to debilitating. She takes opiates, legally prescribed, but nonetheless, highly addictive. It is a nightmare as I have been drawn into a desperate, unending quest for drugs that allow her to function, but hold her prisoner. She resides in a broken down trailer with a roomie with an insatiable addiction. He steals her drugs and has created a situation I cannot control, nor fix. She's not a child, I adore her, but she has drawn me into an impossible, complex, place where I don't want to be. It is a huge dilemma when the doctors only have resources for chronic, severe pain in these drugs that are devastatingly addictive. I don't have the answers. I wish I did. Thank you for sharing your pain and listening to mine without judgment, but with compassion. Love sent to you.


saddlerider1 profile image

saddlerider1 5 years ago

This is one of the beautiful things about the hubpages, we can all share each others joys, pain, broken hearts, and sadness. We share some sorrows together, be strong and keep moving forward, we as parents can only do what we can do and sometimes doing nothing more is a remedy, even though it hurts us inside, they our children are adults and it is also their destiny, yet they have to want to help themselves pull themselves from the gutter of life and that's what my son knows he has to do. I have offered my hand, heart and soul 24//7 to no avail at times. Yet I think I may be getting through to him time will tell, yet he knows where I come from and the life I lived in the streets and I told him son, it's not a place you want to be, alas if you don't stop what your doing, you are heading there and I won't stop you, if that's what it may take for you to see the light then so be it, you will be in the means streets of the city and believe me it's not where you want to be. Chin up gurl, you are doing what God has given you, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE don't stop giving or showing it, but there comes a time where she will h ave to realize that she has to pull away from that lifestyle with that partner and run for her life....hugs


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

I can't tell you, saddlerider, how much your understanding words mean to me. As I read them, I know I am not alone in a scary place. You've travelled those roads, and I can see from where I'm standing, that there are some things, no matter how much we want to sweep in, as a parent, and clean up the mess, we can't. I do blame myself on a level, because I was that mom, that couldn't stand to see her struggle, and as a result, as a youngster, she didn't suffer natural consequences. Now, when the consequences carry a heavier burden, she relies on mom to come in and make everything better. I taught her that. Unfortunately, she inherited my stubbornness, and lessons are hard learned. What she has learned is manipulation, so I know she's smart enough to ask for help when she's willing to take it. That, however, is up to her. hugs, my friend


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Amy - my dear St. Lou! I am so sorry about your nephew. My oldest has a half brother that is gay and I worry about him all the time. I don't think these kids realize they are experimenting with things that can affect the rest of their lives. It's scary. Laurel went through a bad phase of drinking and who knows what else. I feared for her so much - I was so angry. I would not sleep waiting to hear the sound of her car safe at home once more. I tried everything - everything. I took her car for a year - omg. A year I would not want to relive either! Finally - she came around. Now she's almost done with her bachelors degree in criminal justice (of all things!) she works for a big mortgage company full time and they love her. I really thought I'd never see the day this happened! She is a lovely young lady now - but the battle was hellacious! I'm hear and here for you;)


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

You are so sweet, RealHousewife. I so appreciate your kindness and your willingness to not only share your story, but extend an ear. I got caught in the storm of the century at night last weekend, unable to even see the lines on the highway, trying to help my daughter and her friend. He rode with me on an errand that was supposed to be nearby. I left my apt at 9:30 and walked back in, shaking in fear, at 2:30 a.m. I really didn't think I was going to make it back home. The news told me that I had just gotten home before the highways I had travelled were closed due to flooding. During that drive I cried and prayed, and in my long driving history, I have never been in anything that scary. One way or another, I must claim my life...and I will. As adults, we can choose how to live. The problem is the domino effect when a choice knocks down those in close proximity. When its your child, it is agony. Thank you, sis, in being there for me.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

It is an agony that the heart just can't bear sometimes. I tell you - you are lucky you got home sound. I bet that was the same night I lost electricity for 3 hours. From 2 - 5am. Sydney and I couldn't sleep so we went downstairs where it was cooler.

The domino effect is hitting the nail on the head. You know, I told Dave once that our girl was really smarter than I gave her credit for. I was worried that having the 2 babies would make her not get any attention. Wrong. She found a way to garner our attention. All we did for a solid year was talk about what to do about Laurel. I heard from a psychologist once that all the answers to our problems are in our own heads. We just have to work them out. One night I sat there - again - thinking this same thought = "why is she doing this to us I don't understand it - I gave her everything.". Then it hit me like a ton of bricks at all once. There was my answer.

I Gave Her Everything.

Once I started making her work to get things back - and I mean work. I stopped giving her things and she figured out to get them on her own. I stopped paying for tickets and clothes. Wish I would have learned that one long long ago;). I let her off the proverbial hook too many times - I hate to say this but it was lazy of me. It was easier to give in - especially to the mental games, you know? Hang in there sis - it's a gnarly ride but sooner or later you get to get off:)


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

I have been hammered by emails today from my ex, her father. I am continually drawn into places I don't want to go by my own daughter's manipulation. I swear, sis, there are days...where I feel I can't take it anymore. I've been able to keep on smiling through many difficulties, but this is too much. Thank you for letting me know, I am not alone. Love you, girl.


bellawritter23 profile image

bellawritter23 5 years ago from California

Oh Amy, this was truly beautiful. I am sorry for your loss. A tribute that was writen with pure heart.

bella


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Thank you, sweet Bella. A tender heart like yours feels the pain. I appreciate your words.


bbnix profile image

bbnix 5 years ago from Southern California

I cannot stress enough how dear your words of love and compassion have meant to my life, Amy. You've given so much of yourself to me, I feel crushed to not be of any real help in return. I wish you happiness, my dear friend....keep writing..perhaps, together, we can discover life's true answers of happiness for you and your daughter..perhaps, together, we could put forth the resources to help medical science truly rid our lives of such terrible struggles...perhaps, one day, you'll know how much I cherish you..and wish to you all the strength of my own heart... Just continue to be you..to be there my friend... together we'll be stronger... together, there is nothing that one day can't be resolved....trust in that...trust in that we'll always be here for you, my dearest sweet friend...


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

But, bbnix, you are here for me. Your words prove it! I, like everyone, I suppose, have my ups and downs trying to have a life the way I want it. I am ready to fly. I can see that what I've done so far isn't working. Its a process. Yes, somedays I feel defeated, ready to throw in the towel, and then something happens and I know I'm here for a purpose. Don't ever think you haven't helped me. You don't know how many times, at my lowest, I've revisited the words of my hub family. Life is changing as we speak...and hope springs eternal, my friend.


Lucky Cats profile image

Lucky Cats 5 years ago from The beautiful Napa Valley, California

Oh, Amy..Josh passed away. Oh, I remember taking about this earlier..how very very sad..I am so sorry for your (ex) sister in law...again, to lose a child..unfathamable for a mom! Your poem...profound! As always..what a way with words which paint the picture so that even the most hard hearted cannot deny the depth of feeling...in this case; sadness, despair. Hey, my friend, how is your mama doing? What is the most recent analysis of her *(hopefully) improving condition>? boy, such loss and such anxious moments for you, these days. Very hard times..you know, of course and without a doubt, how may people here cherish you and wish you only happiness and love. Your friend, Kathy


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Dear Kathy, Thank you for your kind expression of sympathy. I hadn't seen Josh in quite awhile, but I know Pam (his mom) and she adored him. I wanted to go see him, but the circumstances with the divorce and all made me worry that Pam might feel I was being intrusive. Needless to say, I didn't want her to even have one moment of further stress. My ex was kind enough to keep me posted. Josh underwent a day of lung surgery and a trach to ease his breathing. Paul kept saying "He looks really bad". Knowing Pam and her ability to shut out what she can't handle, I can't fathom her realization that her beautiful boy is gone.

My mom has an appt. with the surgeon July 18th, which I will attend. Until then, things are status quo. She won't get better unless she has the surgery, which sounds like bypass. She will soon be 84 and does not want something she may never fully recover from. Its still up in the air though until the appt. Thank you so much, Kathy, for being such a constant support. I love you, my beautiful friend.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa

Dearest Amy, your sorrow beams out of this poem. I’ve read the comments and my heart went out to you and all parents who have to watch, totally powerless, how their grown children commit suicide in slow-motion. I don’t even want to rehearse the death of one of my children or grandchildren, and I wonder if I will ever be able to bear the pain of a parent deprived of his/her offspring by any substance, living style or death. I’m giving you a warm cyber-hug, dear Amy. I think you are a role model for all women in your shoes. Don’t ever allow anybody, especially your ex, to bereave you of the trust you have in yourself and your thoughts. You are a well-balanced, intelligent woman, able to distinguish between reality and the ideal, and although disappointed, sad and sometimes angry, you can cope with it all. Love you!


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Dear Martie, You are a beautiful gem. Hearing about Josh and his battle, and now the loss his mom will feel the rest of her life, stirred up my feelings of fear and, mainly, my compassion for anyone losing a child. It is the bitterest irony to give life to a child, spend your life trying your best to give them everything, loving them and then watch them die. It makes me very afraid in the fragility of life. And, it also is a wake up call that no one has forever and one wasted day is gone forever. Thank you for your uplifting words, Martie. I guess its one foot in front of the other, as we all have crosses to bear. Living in fear isn't the answer. We all have to make each day the best it can be, because one never knows what life has in store. Love you, my friend. Hugs sent your way.


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 5 years ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

Amy Becherer you've received such an outpouring of support here, that I cannot think of anything to add. I read your Hubs, see your comments at other Hubs, and always think what a hero this person is. Strength, fortitude, perseverance and love is in such large supply in your heart.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Dear mckbirdbks, I can't thank you enough for your kind words of support and caring. I am always blown away by the kindness of the people I now consider family here at the hub. It always makes me cry...in a good way, it is so touching. Thank you, my friend. Hugs to you


gguy profile image

gguy 5 years ago from new jersey usa

Amy, nice work here, sorry about Josh, but he is in a better place now, like my dad says, "there are worse things than dying". Talk to you soon.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

As a parent, I think the concept of "there are worse things than dying" is difficult to embrace. Eventually, after some time passes, maybe Josh's mom and friends may come to grasp that, but the idea of him being gone, so young, having gone from the picture of health to skin and bones in the blink of an eye, is horrific and unbearable. Its difficult for anyone with a child to know it could be them.


gguy profile image

gguy 5 years ago from new jersey usa

Amy, I agree with you 100% and did not mean to sound cold, I was thinking about him now being free of pain and suffering, it is a terrible loss.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Yes, I understand, gguy. He was in terrible pain at the end. He endured a day in surgery for lung involvement and they had to put a trach in so he wasn't struggling to breathe. I can't stand the fact that Pam, his mom, will remember his last days like that. I understand what you mean. Thank you, Gary.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Thank you, PrecJules. I have those thoughts sometimes, but I know that everyone suffers during their lifetime. Its just so god awful when its someone who is just beginning their journey. I appreciate your kindness. It makes a difference, PrecJules.


vocalcoach profile image

vocalcoach 5 years ago from Nashville Tn.

Dearest Amy - I could not help feeling the loss of my beautiful Todd, my son, as I read this very sad story about Josh. Cancer filled Todd's perfectly formed, muscular body and took him without warning, without preparation. I still hold him in my heart which is nothing like holding him in my arms. The pain never leaves - it is bottled up consuming the entire being - always a rememberance of what is never to be again. I know there is nothing I can say or do to ease your pain and the unimagineable pain claiming his mother.

I cannot even reach out to you both and hold you and share the tears that will forever spill onto the face of grief.

I can only be here for you as a member of your hub family who loves you very much. My tears, stinging my eyes, are not only for myself and my loss - but for yours and the dear mother drenched in pain and a denial-like state. Much love, Amy, , ,I hold you in my heart.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Dear beautiful Audrey, As you so personally know, it is the most unbearable loss possible. As a mom, I remember when I realized I was carrying my daughter, the unimaginable joy, a miracle. Raising her, of course, had its ups and downs, as is always the case, but the one undeniable fact, is the unbelievable love...it is unlike any other bond I have ever experienced. Pam, Josh's mom, was especially bonded with Josh, as she raised him, for the most part, alone. She never remarried after the brutal abuse she endured when married to Josh's dad. They relied on each other through thick and thin. Strong or not, its unfathomable when I try to imagine her loss.

My BFF lost her 24-year old daughter to cancer about 2-1/2 years ago. She will never be the same.

Thank you, Audrey, for sharing your grief and offering comfort. You have tremendous generosity, compassion and a spirit that soars! I am so glad you are my friend. Love from me sent to you


The Frog Prince profile image

The Frog Prince 5 years ago from Arlington, TX

Beautiful but then so again are you. Meow!


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Ribbit, ribbit...that's froggie speak for "so are you". Thank you, Frog Prince


Sylvia's Thoughts profile image

Sylvia's Thoughts 5 years ago from Southern California

Amy, you write so vividly. I can really feel the pain in this poem. It is always tragic when we lose some we love, but even more so when they are young and full of life. I think the hardest thing for a parent is having to bury their child. I don't know how I would handle it. I've lost a spouse and it took me a long time to recover from that.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Thank you, Sylvia. That kind of loss is incomprehensible. I don't think Josh's mom, Pam, will do well. What worries me the most is she has a well-developed protective ability to not accept...simply deny. But the very worse pain cannot be denied. He's gone and I still can't believe it. I feel so bad for Pam. And, short of bringing him back, whole and healthy, the reality is that there is no escaping the pain. Thank you for your understanding and compassion for Josh and Pam. I hope somehow she knows that there are people, like you and everyone that has visited this piece, that are thinking of them with understanding, care and concern.


always exploring profile image

always exploring 5 years ago from Southern Illinois

Amy, I'm so sorry. To lose a child/nephew is familiar to me. I lost a Nephew to AIDS, he was twenty four. I wrote a Hub about his life. He was so mistreated because he was Gay. I love your poetry, full of grief and kindness. Thank you.

Blessings


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Thank you, Ruby. It is so sad and apparently, happening more often than I was aware of. I thought things were better with AIDS. I've heard so much about the cocktail that gives patients normal lifespans. But, now, it seems so many families are still losing young people to the disease, I wonder if the public knows the truth. Its tragic any way you look at it. After I run an errand, Ruby, I'm going to look for your piece. Thank you kindly.


vocalcoach profile image

vocalcoach 5 years ago from Nashville Tn.

Dearest Amy - Again, my heart breaks for your loss and for Pam. If sending her a card or an email would help, please let me know. Also, I'm thinking about designing a website for parents who have lost a child. I will do a search first, to make sure something like this is not already available. God bless you with strenght and courage. Understanding and peace is not so easy.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Dear Audrey, That is actually a wonderful idea for someone who has lost a child. I don't know if a website exists...maybe, but I think its an under-addressed topic, because it is so painful. Because I divorced her bro, I'm not her fav person. I don't even know her email address, but I email Paul occasionally, as he does me so I will get a feel for what is appropriate. The last thing I would want to do is upset her. Please Audrey, if/when you decide to tackle a website for parents, I want to know. I had two workmates that lost children to cancer and I went to the "Caring Bridge" website. It is associated with St. Louis Children's Hospital. It was a place where parents could write as often as they wanted about their child's story as they went through treatment. It was pretty horrific,almost a roller coaster ride of emotions. It was exp hard when the child died after a long dreadful ordeal. But, it seemed to help in someway. Readers, usually friends or family, could leave notes or messages. Let me know what you do, Audrey, because I want to let Pam know or if you find another avenue that you think is helpful, please pass it on to me. Eventually, Pam may be ready to seek solace from others who have experienced this journey. As always, thank you, friend o' mine.


The Frog Princess profile image

The Frog Princess 5 years ago from Florence area of the Great Pee Dee of South Carolina

So sad for your loss. May peace come to all of you in the near future.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Thank you so much, Frog Princess. I appreciate your kind wishes.


A.A. Zavala profile image

A.A. Zavala 5 years ago from Texas

Hello my dear. Such an aching tribute to your nephew. My condolences.

I'm familair with the circumstances regarding your daughter. I had similiar issues with my ex and her son. It's difficult to bounce between support and enablement. Add the parasite that lives off your daughters meds, and the problems are almost insurmountable. You love your daughter, we all know that. I wish there was an easy answer or fix. Just know that your much stronger than you realize, and that we're here to provide social, emotional, and spiritual support.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Dear Augustine, your words are so incredibly touching and sweet. I see that you understand exactly the tightrope hell, teetering on the precipice between help and enabling. I especially love everyone here for their support and the understanding that allows seeing beyond critiquing or judgement. I know there is not a finer family anywhere in the world. Thank you, A.A. for words that make a huge difference in the feelings of isolation and desperation this 'rock and a hard place' creates. Your words are really very beautiful. Big Hug


marcoujor profile image

marcoujor 5 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

Dear Amy,

I have been wanting to write you directly to let you know how inspired I was by your recent interview by Bobbi Rant/ and then you did a wonderful interview as well in the next edition.

I mirror many of these supportive comments to you at this time. You amaze me in all that you are juggling with such grace and beauty. I pray that you place your self care at the top of the list, as you are truly worth the long term investment. Thinking of you with love, mar.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Dear Mar,

I appreciate your interest and feedback in the interviews. Bobbi asked fantastic, personalized questions that made the whole experience a lot of fun. When the torch was passed to me, I tried to do the same for Jim. He's a firecracker, full of passion and I think he did great in letting hubland know more about the MWNP and his dreams.

I see your great sensitivity and compassion in all of your comments, Mar. It is always so awesomely positive to hear from you. You hit right on point in the importance of self care at a time when its likely the last thing thought about. Insomnia, little attention to diet, getting off schedule on the meds for my autoimmune disease, (you just reminded me I forgot my once-a-week Rx vitamin D) contribute to less ability to cope. You made me stop, take stock and think, Mar. Thank you for that loving investment in me. You understand human nature, my friend, and I do need to get back on track in that regard. Thank you for being such a wonderful friend to me. This whole page has been the best reminder of support, caring and love extended to me at the very time I need it most. Love to you, Mar.


bbnix profile image

bbnix 5 years ago from Southern California

Thinking of you Amy...how are you holding up, sweetheart..?

Thank you for the wonderful return comment...

love,

bb


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Well, I'm a lot better now, hearing from you with such sweet concern. How are you, bb? I hope to find out what I've been missing at your place today. I'll tell you, bb, with you on my side and the extraordinary understanding so many have blessed me with here, I know how lucky I am. Love you, my sweet friend.


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 5 years ago

I am so sorry Amy, Your tribute is beautiful and moving and my heart goes out to everyone who loved Josh. Up awesome and oh so beautiful.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Dear POP, Thank you for such kind words. I think of everything I've learned at the hub, it is the constant understanding and heart of so many that restores my faith, hope and love in humanity. Sending you a big hug, my friend. You and yours enjoy a safe 4th, Patty.


BobbiRant profile image

BobbiRant 5 years ago from New York

Very sad. I feel your nephew's mother's pain also. I have an oldest son going through so many things right now. Things I still cannot write about because they are too painful. Great hub, brought me to tears. I can relate to the problems your daughter is having too and I sincerely hope she does, one day break away from her housemate who takes her drugs.


Springboard profile image

Springboard 5 years ago from Wisconsin

A touching and heartfelt piece of work. Losing someone this close, and this dear is something I simply cannot imagine. My wife lost both her mother and her father when she was young. Her mother died in a car crash when my wife was just 12, and at 19 she lost her father of a heart attack at work.

Perhaps Josh is just your nephew. But you capture the love and the pain of the loss, from the perspective of his mother, brilliantly here.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Thank you, Bobbi. Life has a way of yanking the ground from under our feet. We are foisted with crosses that feel too much too bear. I hear the adage that we aren't given more than we can handle. Maybe...maybe not. I know that sometimes the trials are so life altering that happiness, peace of mind and the very will to live is impacted and forever compromised. Human beings never cease to amaze me with the ability to continue, given circumstances no one would never choose. I can't dwell on trying to imagine the day to day reality Josh's mom's now faces. Its too raw and painful and stirs up too much fear about all the what if's in life. One thing I know from the generosity in shared experiences here is that none of us are alone. Although circumstances are different for each of us, we all experience great joy. difficult choices and terrible pain. Sometimes the love of a close friend, sometimes the words of a stranger, or faith makes the diffference in muddling through. As independent and strong as we strive to be, there are times we need each other. I hope Pam is encircled by the love and care she needs now. Thank you, Bobbi, for your thoughtful, caring words.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

I can't imagine the chaos your wife must have experienced going through so much loss as a child. I know I was so very lucky and as a child was insulated from unpredictability. I had a childhood that allowed me to grow up naively trusting that one day followed the next and people died when they grew very old.

I appreciate your generous, sharing commentary very much, Springboard. Thank you for your sensitivity and empathy.


Docmo profile image

Docmo 5 years ago from UK

No one captures emotion like you. Your words drip, caress, choke, stimulate, seethe, cry, laugh, remember, rejuvenate and resonate. Like a melancholic scrape of a violin bow onto a aching string, this poem is so poignant and sad yet never descending into melodrama. It has the integrity of a face shadowed by a black hat at a funeral, a stark white handkerchief that obscures that tear.

You are a marvel, you are!

My heart goes out to young Josh, plucked from our midst at such an age. My condolences and respects to the family and friends.

My hugs to you, Dear Amy, for even in such sadness, your magic never fades when it comes to word building.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Dear Docmo, Poetry like your words can't be meant for me? I swear I had to re-read my piece, because surely the pure magic written here to me is some mistake. I can't match your sensitive, touching words, so I'll tell you they mean everything to me. Whenever I doubt myself, I will come back here and read the magnificent words you left for me...yes, ME! Thank you, Mohan


Docmo profile image

Docmo 5 years ago from UK

Darkness falls early says the two-faced sundial

Leaving confusion in the wake of blind denial

Mirror, mirror, on the wall

Empty glass the curtain call

This child, my son, my love, my all

- You deserve every accolade for penning these words. I am in awe. yes, YOU. When I tried to write a comment here, I feel the effect of your words on mine. You make me want to be a better poet! ( I am paraphrasing Jack Nicholson from 'As Good as it Gets')


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Docmo, I read this from you and I was thinking so hard about what you'd said, I stood up, sat back down, stood back up, trying to process your words. I'm not being dramatic, but real. You would be laughing if you saw me! And, it is the same for me, when I read what've you have left for me, I strive to outdo that. You've made a comment to me about the way I turn words and everytime I write that is what I think about. There are only so many words, but making them our own is in the way we turn a phrase or use them in a unique yet relatable way. THAT'S THE FUN! You, Docmo, get it. Its hard to explain, but though we are all different, there is some universal connection, some thread of understanding that is a lifeline between some people, it can exist across continents or across the street. I think writing can be a lifelife. Being understood is utterly magical. Thank you, Mohan


tnvrstar profile image

tnvrstar 5 years ago from doha, qatar

What a lovely tragic poem. Really wonderful. The song "yellow" made the poem more touching as well. Love your work. you really got a lot of talent. I saw your answers in webanswers , it seems you got a lot of potential.

Best wishes :)


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Thank you tnvrstar. I appreciate your words. I neglected webanswers today and miss it. I got hooked on it quickly and neglected writing general articles at AMS. I got an article submitted today, so hopefully, tomorrow I can participate some at webanswers. Again, thank you for stopping here and your commentary.


Happyboomernurse profile image

Happyboomernurse 5 years ago from South Carolina

Oh my, this was such a moving, heartbreaking tribute to the recent death of your nephew. Please accept my condolences for your own grief and the grief of your family. Your compassion and understanding is huge. It is so hard to watch someone die from a disease like AIDS. Though many AIDS sufferers survive a long time now with the use of medication, many still succomb to the disease at a young age.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this difficult time.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Dear Happyboomernurse, I was grateful to my ex (Josh's uncle) for keeping me in the loop regarding his illness. Although my ex and I divorced a year ago, he is generous in not excluding me from the important, unfortunately, often sad events. I stayed in the background on this very personal, devastating trial for the family, esp his mom, my ex's sister, as I did not want to be an intrusion on the family. I think of Josh everyday and his bigger than life presence and exuberance for life. I think about his mom, often. I don't want to even imagine losing a child. I don't know if Josh even knew, for certain, or if he dealt with the disease medically, as his mom did not accept the diagnosis even during his final hospitalization. There are still unknowns and variables about the disease. No matter the cause, losing a child is every parents worst nightmare. Even when its not your child, it stirs fear in the knowledge that we are all very fragile and there are no guarantees in life.

Thank you for your kind comments, Happyboomernurse. Your compassion is much appreciated.


Happyboomernurse profile image

Happyboomernurse 5 years ago from South Carolina

Sounds like you did the best you could under very difficult family dynamics.

What you wrote in your comment is very profound and is something that serious illness and death does make us realize: "Even when its not your child, it stirs fear in the knowledge that we are all very fragile and there are no guarantees in life."


CMerritt profile image

CMerritt 5 years ago from Pendleton, Indiana

Amy, not much else to say that has not already been said.

Just this really is a heart-felt hub, very powerful and tender.

Up and beautiful...


James A Watkins profile image

James A Watkins 5 years ago from Chicago

Your poem is sad but excellent. Thank you for sharing your creative beauty. I am moved by it.


Jeanine 5 years ago

Oh ... I weep...


Micky Dee profile image

Micky Dee 5 years ago

God bless your heart Amy.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

CMerritt, James, Jeanine, and Micky Dee, I just found your wonderfully caring comments on another page and I am so sorry that I just found them. I apologize profusely for not acknowledging each of you in a timely way. Hubpages has changed some things that I'd been too preoccupied to take stock of. Again, I appreciate each and every one of you and I apologize for this delay in letting you know.


epigramman profile image

epigramman 5 years ago

..well you always write with such amazing and heartfelt sensitivity Amy - and it tells as much about you as a writer as it does of the person whom I have come to know, love and appreciate.

I am always promoting you to write more here at the Hub - you have established a passionate, dedicated and loyal fan base - and it is our honor and privilege to follow such a dear compassionate soul as you - and a regal lady who always touches our hearts and minds with your words of richness, depth and emotional power.

lake erie time ontario canada 9:02 am with second cup of coffee, chilly winds off the lake and a little light classical music


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

You've brought a magnificent start to a new day, Colin. Insomnia had me still awake at 4 a.m., too tired to be inspired to write yet unable to close my eyes. Prior to the present, everything inspired me. I hope that life allows me some breathing room and the chaos of the past few months slips behind me so my mojo is a go-go. Anxiety has left me a frantic slug, on high alert with too much to tackle, too torn to concentrate yet unproductive and creativity on the back burner. I'm raising a glass to better days ahead.

Thank you for your uplifting, inspiring words, epi. I've missed mixing in with the voices at the hub. Its a positive nourishing place I'll never get my fill of. And, I needed a pat to tell me I matter; that I am missed. Love to you and the "cats" from Canada for all the love you give.


thelyricwriter profile image

thelyricwriter 5 years ago from West Virginia

So sorry for all your dispair. Just so you know, you are very talented. You are a great writer and we learn more about ourselves in tragedy, then good times. Your poem is very touching and so deep. That is talent. Wish you the best from now and on Amy. In time, these situations will only make you stronger. Wishing you the best, thelyricwriter.


Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 4 years ago from Orlando, FL

Loss is never easy. You do have a way with words. Looking forward to the follow! I see we have many friends in common...not sure how we hadn't met yet.


EclecticFusion profile image

EclecticFusion 4 years ago from Tennessee

Beautiful, just beautiful. It's hard losing those that we love so dear and I can see so many emotions coming out in this poem. I write my best poetry when I'm either very, very happy, or so very sad. Wonderful piece!

Thanks for sharing this!


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Dear lyricwriter, Thank you for your touching, truthful and encouraging words. I just found several new comments and though I feel bad for not having found them until now, enough time has passed that I can say "you are so right" and what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I apologize for the delay in recognizing your beautiful comments. I appreciate your kindness more than I can ever say.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Dear Sunshine, I'm still not onboard with the ongoing changes initiated at the hub. Yes, technology can still reduce me to a twit. I'm sorry I am so late in thanking you for reaching out with encouragement and support. I am so glad we have finally met. Thank you, Sunshine!


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Dear EclecticFusion, Your words rings so true. It takes the height of happiness and the depths of despair to move to inspiration. Sometimes I look forward to a day with no plans, but I rarely remember it. Though we are all different, it is usually the surprises in life that change us, inspire us and move us to action. Thank you for reminding and inspiring me with your honest truth.


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