War in the Greenroom of a Fox News GOP Debate
Response to GOP Circus Debates
As the 2016 GOP presidential race nears the final nomination, the frequent debates are becoming more vitriolic. They have become three ring circuses of toxic buffoonery. It's really quite disgusting to see seemingly respectable men turn into lunging mad dogs in an effort to win. There are the two calmer, more gentlemanly candidates who try to stick to business. Of course, because they're not politically correct and choose not to enter the fray of kindergarten politics, they are being rebuffed by the media, thus trailing last in the GOP polls. After the two February 2016 GOP debates, I was so disgusted I thought a satirical story would bring home the ridiculousness and vulgarity the debates and campaigns have become. I can't wait for all this to be over. Politicians during election races push my buttons, and I find myself becoming discouraged and cynical. Here's to our reality TV show candidates, minus two. Cheers!
The final five in the greenroom
The final five 2016 GOP presidential candidates are in the greenroom waiting for the 87th GOP debate. Airtime is in half an hour. The participants are Donald Trump, Senator Marco Rubio, Senator Ted Cruz, Dr. Ben Carson, and Governor John Kasich. Tensions are high, as the GOP nomination is just a few weeks away. Trump is still leading slightly in the polls. Rubio and Cruz are desperate. Their final campaign strategy is "all bets and gloves are off."
Waiting for the debate to start, Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz are pacing; Donald Trump is standing with his bottom lip protruding, primping in a mirror, praising himself for his perfection; Ben Carson is cracking the knuckles on his gifted hands, humming the Star Spangled Banner; and Kasich is talking on the phone to one of his staffers back in Ohio, making plans for the next step in providing more jobs in his great state.
Ted and Marco have studied in fine detail the exact location of the Donald's jugular vein. Their ice picks are at the ready. They are trying to also discreetly size each other up, looking for vulnerabilities. Donald is only prepared to boast and has rehearsed a litany of ugly names to call people.
The fireworks in the greenroom will commence momentarily...
The Greenroom war rumblings
Donald: (Straightening his tie in the mirror) Ah, Donald, you look beautiful. (Smoothing his wacky comb-over). Donnie, you are at the top of the polls by 99%; you are a world famous celebrity, you are a billionaire, you are powerful, you have friends in high places, you have women all over the world, you are the next president of the United States of America.
Marco: Trump, will you shut up.
Ted: Yeah, you are nothing but a legend in your own mind.
Donald: You guys are just jealous, okay? I am at the top of the polls and you just can't stand it. Marco, you are nothing but a snot-nosed, pablum eating hispanic. When I become president, maybe you can be the foreman on my wall building project.
Marco: (Stops his pacing and glares at Donald) Why you little...Trump, when I'm the President, I'm going bring all your empires down on the first day I'm in office - not in the first one hundred days, not in the first month, but the first day. And you know how I'm going to do that?
Donald: (Readjusting his tie and speaking mockingly) No. Tell me baby Marco, you going to throw your Tippy Cup at me?
Marco: Better than that Trump, (getting up into Donald's face) I'm going to mop you up with my diaper.
Ted: Now Marco, calm down. I got this because I'm going to be the next president. You can be my VP and we'll bring this guy down big time (slams his fist on the table).
Donald: And Cruz, I'll hire you too. You are an illegal after all - a Cuban/Canadian upstart riding on your wife's corporate coattails. I've hired many illegals over the years who have helped build my hotels, universities, casinos, and many other famous buildings - and if you tell that in the debate I'll deny it to my dying breath - and you would fit in nicely.
Ted: Now wait just a minute Trump...
Ben: Gentlemen, you would do better to sit down and review the constitution and Emily Post's text book Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics, and at Home, which you can find in your local library. You are all intelligent men, (looking at Donald) or at least some of you are. Use your intellect in the debate, and stick to how you can serve "we the people" by bringing people together. Divisiveness is counterproductive and the American people deserve better. Remember that you are also men of God, or at least some of you are (looking at Donald).
Donald: That's right, I am a man of God. My devout Christianity is why I am being audited by the IRS. It's called PERSECUTION, okay? I've got the evangelicals in my hip pocket, by the way. (Stops and thinks a second) Carson, were you implying I'm not intelligent?
Ben: Donald, you know me better than that. I don't name names. I'm kind of a "just sayin" type of guy. But you know, Donald, education is everything, and you could really benefit from reading books on all kinds of subjects. Get a library card.
Donald: Oh, hardy har har, Carson. That, coming from some fly-by-night, two-bit brain surgeon. By the way, I've got a big belt buckle on - HUGE! And very pathological. You don't scare me!
John: (Shaking his head in disgust) Ben is right, you guys, act like men. You don't see Ben and I going after each other, or after you either. Let's just stick to the issues our nation is facing.
Ben: (Nods in agreement). John's right, guys.
Ted: Excuse me, Ben and John, Marco and I don't need you two goody-two shoes' to preach at us.
Ben returns to his reading and John begins rehearsing his debate points quietly in a corner of the greenroom. Lilly, the makeup artist comes in to make last minute touchups. She starts with Donald.
Donald: Hey babe. (Looking at the other candidates and winking) Notice how she chose me first, guys. She came in just to be close to me, didn't you babe?
Lilly: Well, actually Mr. Trump, your hair needs a lot of help. Sit down in this chair. I've only got a few minutes. (She pushes him down forcefully into the chair).
Donald: Oh, you like to play rough, huh? (Winks at her)
Ben: Donald, that was very inappropriate. This nice lady is here to make you look presentable.
Marco: Not possible, Ben.
John: (Walks over to Trump and watches closely as the woman tries to work on Donald's hair. He tilts his head and squints his eyes, circling him). I think you're right, men, not possible.
Peter, the director comes in to give the five minute warning call.
Peter: Gentlemen, you have exactly five minutes. The announcer will call you out in this order: Senator Cruz...
Donald: Hey, why does Teddy get to go first? I'm the one at the top of the polls, okay? I should go first. I got money, Peter, Mister big shot director. I'm a billionaire, okay? Name your price.
Peter: (Stares at Donald as if he's a martian from outer space). Get over yourself, Trump. Lilly, darling, you've got to do something with his hair.
Lilly: I'm trying my best, Peter, but, well, you can see what I have to deal with (gestures toward Donald's hair)?
Peter: Yeah, see what you mean. Okay, the lineup is - Senator Cruz, followed by Senator Rubio, then Governor Kasich, then Dr. Carson, and last, and very much least, Mr. Trump. Lilly... the hair... please!
Lilly: (Packing up her makeup case) Peter, I'm done. He's hopeless.
Peter: Okay, you're right. Oh, by the way Lilly, Megyn said to meet her after the post debate show at the Grand Hotel.
Donald: Megyn? Megyn Kelly?
Peter: That's right.
Donald: (Turning to Lilly) Why would you be meeting that low-life bimbo after the show?
Lilly: She's my cousin, what of it? And she's not a Bimbo.
Donald: (Wide eyes) Is she moderating tonight? Why wasn't I told about this?
Ted: (Knocking on Donald's bad hair) Knock, knock, McFly. Megyn is with Fox. This debate is with Fox. Is little Donnie afraid of Megyn?
Ben: Ted, I don't think that was necessary. Donald, put your hurt feelings aside and just show everyone your best.
John: (Whispering in Ben's ear) Ben, he doesn't have a best.
Peter: Gentlemen, two minutes.
Donald - vain, name-calling coward
Big Bad Megyn
Peter and Lilly leave and the candidates start straightening their ties, practicing their smiles. Ben walks up to each man and shakes their hands.
Ben: Ted, it's an honor. Marco, it's a privilege. John, a pleasure. Donald...Donald...
Donald turns ghostly white. He is sweating and clammy, and rubbing his chest. He begins babbling incoherently. Ben shows concern. Marco and Ted smirk. John just stands there checking his watch.
Ben: Sit down here, Donald, let me take your pulse. (Ben takes Donald's pulse and slaps his face lightly). Donald? Donald! No need to be afraid, my friend. I've saved thousands of lives with these gifted hands.
Donald begins trembling and weeping. He rubs his chest more ardently. Marco and Ted circle Donald together. They get right up into his face.
Ted: What's the matter, Donnie? Are you afraid big old scary Megyn Kelly is going to ask you a big old scary question?
Marco: Better watch out, Donnie, I hear Megyn is on steroids.
Ted: (Standing up straight and staring at Donald's feet) My, my, my, Marco. I think we have a puddle here.
Marco: By golly, I do believe it is.
Donald passes out. Ben takes over.
Ben: John, call 9-1-1.
John: But Ben, (looking at his watch) the debate is starting in one minute.
Ben: I don't care, John. Donald needs medical attention.
John: (Hesitating) Look, Ben, just leave him here and let the staff take care of him. I'll call 911, but I'm not missing the debate. Besides, with Donald out of the picture, you and I will get more time to speak.
Peter comes in and holds up three fingers then makes a zero.
Peter: Thirty seconds, gentlemen. (Looks at Donald) What happened to him?
Ted: He's afraid of Megyn.
Peter: Oh brother. Somebody get the janitor in here to clean up that puddle. (He rubs his forehead). Sheesh, and this guy wants to be president?
Marco: Oh Donald, I do believe Megyn knows first aid. (Smiling wickedly) Peter, can you send her in?
Donald's wail can be heard throughout the building. The announcer informs the moderators and audience there is a medical emergency with Mr. Trump, so the debate will be delayed. The Trump supporters are very concerned. One yells out "We love you, Trumpster!" Megyn Kelly is very disappointed. Back in the greenroom the paramedics arrive and put the Donald on a stretcher.
Ben: It's going to be okay, Donald.
Donald: Ben, promise you won't leave me.
Ben: You will be in good hands, my friend. I have a debate to go to.
Donald: I take back everything I ever said about your being a bad doctor. Don't leave me.
John: (Pacing and looking at his watch, he speaks to the paramedics) Can you please hurry up, we have a debate to put on.
Ben is telling the paramedics what needs to be done. Ted and Marco lean down and kiss Donald on the forehead.
Ted: It's okay, Donnie. We love you, man.
Marco: Bye Donnie. We'll give Megyn your regards.
Donald is whisked away to the ambulance and the men line up for the debate. The announcer introduces the four candidates that are left.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Fox News brings you the 87th GOP Presidential debate, ad nauseam. Introducing now, Senator Ted Cruz.
Ted struts out waving and nodding.
Announcer: Senator Marco Rubio.
Marco walks out beaming and waving.
Announcer: Governor John Kasich.
John walks out giving his politican wave and affable smile.
Announcer: Dr. Ben Carson.
Announcer: Dr. Ben Carson.
Announcer: Calling Dr. Ben Carson.
Peter gives Ben a nudge and points the way. Ben walks out without fanfare, offering a modest smile and nod to the audience. He stands at his podium and mouths to Kasich that he couldn't hear over the loud crowd. Kasich rolls his eyes.
Announcer: And ladies and gentlemen, the Donald has left the building.
There is a cacophony of boos and cheers. Marco and Ted high five each other. Ben and John remain passive, although the twinkle in their eyes gives them away to those nearby. When things settle down, the announcer introduces Beyoncé to sing the national anthem. With hands over the hearts, fake smiles plastered on their faces, Ted and Marco have a discussion.
Ted: (Whispering to Marco). Nice work, Marco. Now, I've got you in my sights. Nice knowing you, Pal.
Marco: (Whispering back to Ted) Right! My ice pick is ready, Teddy. Just try something and see what happens.
Ted: You got it, man. May the best man win...that would be me, Marky.
Ted - know-it-all Texas hot-head
Megyn - Fox News Tigress
The debate was a blood thirsty circus, with Marco and Ted going at it. John and Ben, as usual, were composed and stuck to the issues; however, as usual, they only got a few questions. Megyn Kelly, the chief moderator, now invites the closing statements.
Megyn Kelly: Gentlemen, it is now time for closing statements. We'll start with Senator Cruz.
Ted Cruz: (Looking directly into the camera) My fellow Americans, I think it's clear that I have the best plan for America when I become president. On my first day in office, I promise to repeal Obama Care, build up the military, destroy ISIS, balance the budget, defend the 2nd Amendment, send agents house to house gathering illegal immigrants and have them deported, shut down Planned Parenthood, and make American great again.
As for Mr. Trump, we all know what a coward he is. Mr. Trump had a medical emergency tonight when he learned Megyn Kelly was moderating. (Laughing) And Ms. Kelly, you are a fierce tigress. But listen, we cannot have a coward in the oval office. My opponent, Senator Rubio, is clearly not cut out to be President of the United States, as confirmed tonight when he lowered himself by calling me a dishonest, disingenuous man who will do anything to win. His record and stated plan for our country exposes blatantly he is the wrong man to lead America. I thank you in advance for you vote (Emphatic nod to show he means business).
Megyn Kelly: Thank you, Senator Cruz. Senator Rubio, you may give your closing statement.
Marco Rubio: (Straightening up and shifting his legs) Thank you Megyn. I think it's clear that I have the best plan for America when I become President. On my first day in office, I promise to repeal Obama Care, build up the military, destroy ISIS, balance the budget, defend the 2nd Amendment, give amnesty to illegal immigrants already here, and build a wall to prevent others from entering illegally, shut down Planned Parenthood, and make American great again.
As for Donald Trump, Senator Cruz is right, he is a coward; that seems to be the only thing we agree on. But listen America, we know he's also a dangerous, name-calling, empty-headed, low-life who knows squat about the needs of our nation. He's a charlatan, snake oil salesman that can't be trusted. And Senator Cruz is an extremist and has a poor plan for America. I reiterate, he will do anything to get elected, because he is a dishonest and disingenuous man. I promise to make you proud if you vote for me as the next President of the United States (plasters on a smile).
John - affable, "been there, done that" guy
Megyn Kelly: Thank you Senator Rubio. Governor Kasich, your turn.
John Kasich: (Affable smile, then turns serious) Listen, I have a proven record of fiscal responsibility. The great state of Ohio is in the black because of my hard work. I have created more jobs than any other state. I promise I will do it for our great nation on my very first day in office. I am the only sensible candidate. Thank you, and God bless you (Affable smile, pulls up his pants waist, nodding his head proudly).
Megyn Kelly: Thank you, Governor Kasich. Dr. Carson, you're up.
Dr. Carson: We the people...
Megyn Kelly: Time's up. Thank you Dr. Carson. Thanks to all of you, gentlmen. Ladies and gentlemen, this concludes the 87th GOP Presidential Debate. Thank you for watching.
Marco - castigating whippersnapper
Armageddon in the greenroom
The candidates all shake hands and pretend to be saying nice things to each other. Ted and Marco strut as proud as peacocks off the stage, waving and flashing their plastered on smiles; followed by John, wearing a proud smile and waving; and trailing up the rear, Ben, with a modest grin and a quick wave. Peter ushers them all into the greenroom where a table of refreshments await them.
Ted: (Glaring at Marco) Hey, Pal, I just want you to know I didn't appreciate the pot shots you took at me. But it doesn't matter, because you're toast when the votes come rolling in.
Marco: (In Cruz's face) Back off Ted. You insulted me first; but it doesn't matter, Americans are bright enough to see I'm the only viable option. You're a virus to this country and you're crashing the GOP party.
Ted: If you think...
John: Listen, I'm getting sick and tired of your kindergarten, he-man antics. The debate is over; America saw your juvenile behavior. Relax and have a beer. (Looking at his watch he pulls out his cell phone to call his wife).
Ben: (Pulls out his cell phone to call the hospital and check on Donald). Hello, this is Dr. Ben Carson.
Hospital operator: THE Dr. Ben Carson?
Ben: Why yes, that's me, the gifted hands guy and next president of the United States.
Hospital operator: I'm one of your most devout supporters, Doctor Carson.
Ben: Well thank you. I appreciate your support. Listen, I'm calling to check in on Donald Trump's condition. Can you connect me, please?
A Dr. Mendenhall from the Cardiac Care unit answers.
Ben: Hello, Dr. Mendenhall, this is Dr. Ben Carson.
Dr. Mendenhall: The world famous neurosurgeon and the next President of the United states? I'm a big fan, Doctor Carson.
Ben: Why, yes, the very same one; and thank you, Dr. Mendenhall, I appreciate your support. I'm calling to inquire about Mr. Trump's condition. How is he?
Dr. Mendenahll: Well, ER sent him up here to Cardiac Care, and we've been running tests. So far they have all come back negative. I think it was just a panic attack accompanied by acid reflux. I gotta tell you, Dr. Carson, he's a real pain.
Ben: Yes, I know he's difficult. Call security if he gets out of hand, and tell him I'll be by to say hello soon.
Ben and John hang up about the same time. Ted and Marco are nose to nose, hands balling into fists, yelling and posturing.
John: (Weary and irritable) HEY! Will you guys shut off the testosterone and have a beer? Sheesh, cool off, man. (Heading toward the door) I'm done here. My supporters and the press are out their waiting. (Turning back to his running mates) And just so you clowns know, I'm going to be the next President of the United States!
Ben: (Looking at Ted and Marco) Gentlemen, your behavior tonight was a disgraceful display. The American people deserve better. Man up. I'm leaving now to speak the press, then check on Donald at the hospital.
Suddenly, Donald staggers into the greenroom in his hospital gown, still pale, with cardiac electrodes still dotting his legs and poking out of his gown on his chest. In a rage, he heads toward Ted and Marco.
Ben: Donald, what are you doing here?
Donald: Cruz, Rubio, your dead men. I've got money to pay off your campaign staff. I'm shutting you guys down! You're not getting away with this. How dare you maggots call me a coward and a low life.
Ted: Give it a rest, Trumpster. You can't brag you won the debate this time, can you? I won this one, big guy. You're cowardice has made you a laughing stock.
Marco: Excuse me, boys, but I'm the winner here. (Finger pointed in Trump's face) And Trump, you're going down.
Donald: (Lunging at the refreshment table to grab a beer bottle to bring down on Marco's head) You guys are dead meat.
Megyn Kelly enters the greenroom to congratulate the candidates. She spots Donald, whose behind is exposed from his open-backed gown. She grabs a Fox News T-shirt off a nearby table, walks up to the Donald, and stops his raised beer bottle with her other hand.
Megyn: Well, hello Donald. (Tossing him the shirt) Here's a little something for the backside. Please put us out of our misery. (Looking over to Ted and Marco, who have stopped in shock) Don't worry, guys, I got this.
Neener, neener, neener
Post Debate Headlines
Greenroom Gate: Cruz, Rubio, and Trump Drop Out of Race Due to Alleged Greenroom Melee; Megyn Kelly Lauded for Heroic Measures
In a shocking turn of events today, Senator Ted Cruz, Senator Marco Rubio, and Donald Trump announced they are dropping out of the presidential race after an alleged greenroom melee took place last night following the 87th GOP debate, hosted by Fox News. According to Fox News, after the debate a quarrel between Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio got out of hand in the greenroom, with both candidates issuing insults and very near fisticuffs. Governor Kasich was not at the scene, having left moments before.
Donald Trump, who had a medical emergency moments before the debate, showed up in the greenroom, still in a hospital gown, having left the Cardiac Care unit at Memorial Hospital prior to his discharge. Dr. Ben Carson's statement says that Mr. Trump joined the conflict, angered by inflammatory remarks about him made by Rubio and Cruz during the debate.
The situation grew worse when Fox News debate moderator, Megyn Kelly, arrived to congratulate the candidates. In the first Fox debate back in August 2015, Trump insulted Kelly and threw a tantrum after she questioned him about his unseemly remarks about women. Later, he bowed out of the Iowa caucus debate, sponsored by Fox, knowing Ms. Kelly would be moderating. After Kelly arrived during the greenroom conflict, Mr. Trump allegedly was just ready to bring a beer bottle down on Senator Rubio's head. Ms. Kelly stopped Mr. Trump's hand, at which time he allegedly threatened to harm her career and twist her like a pretzel. Ms. Kelly, a black belt in Karate, allegedly took Trump down. When Fox News security arrived, officers found Ms. Kelly standing over a prone Trump, with a foot down on his backside, partially covered with a Fox News T-shirt. Senator's Cruz and Rubio later shook hands with Ms. Kelly and with one another.
Dr. Ben Carson administered first aid to Mr. Trump, who suffered a dislocated shoulder resulting from the alleged take down by Ms. Kelly. He was taken back to Memorial Hospital for treatment. A hospital spokesman reported Mr. Trump was treated and released.
In a statement to the Associated Press, Dr. Carson said he thought the conflict was a disgraceful display of political depravity. Dr. Carson and Governor Kasich remain in the race. Dr. Carson is now 49% in the GOP polls, with Governor Kasich closely trailing at 41%. Both have stated they will ask the other to be the vice president should they win. Now that's how politics should work.
© 2016 Lori Colbo. All rights reserved.
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