Interesting Ways to Make Telemarketers Cry
Most people are annoyed by telemarketers and try their best to get rid of them, sometimes politely with a "No thank you," sometimes with a harsh cursing out, and sometimes with a rather indifferent, "Could you please take me off your call list."
The thing is telemarketers are like fleas, where you find one, you're likely to find dozens of others so the whole "Please take me off your list" thing is not as effective as it should be. So what is a person to do? I am probably the first person to say stop being annoyed and start enjoying it, after all telemarketers are free entertainment...
Here are some things that make telemarketers want to hang up on you. Generally speaking telemarketers are out to sell something to whomever they are calling. So what happens when you mirror their motives and answer, "Why no, I'm not interested in X Product but I do have a car for sale. You don't happen to need a car do you? It's a real nice one, doesn't have any funny smells and it's traveled less then 10,000 miles..." Keep going for as long as the telemarketer keeps stuttering.
Recently I've learned the Too Much Information Strategy. This comes when instead of giving the telemarketer a good mark you insist on keeping them on the phone telling them your entire life story in the most pathetic terms available. If your life is good, make something up. I learned this from watching a crazy friend answer the phone and say something to the effect of, "You know I have nothing against telemarketers, I'm sure you're good people just doing your job but could you please take me off your call list because I don't need to be harassed by telephone calls when I'm already living through a huge life crisis! My boyfriend just left me after twelve years because he thought I cheated with my roommate who actually raped me..." This went on for fifteen minutes, got increasingly disquieting and ended when the telemarketer kept repeating with increasingly anguished cries, "I got to go now... I GOT TO HANG UP!" She never called back...
A similar tact is just to act crazy. Answer with a traditional greeting, "You're one of them aren't you?" Telemarketers don't want to deal with anything quite as creepy as that if you can pull it off.
If you have a partner or friend at your house you can always stage the fake argument. This is where two people can play a game of Improv without leaving the house. The more incredibly strange the argument the more amusing it'll be. Start the staged fight simple with something real couples fight about... whether it's a complaint about the toothpaste being squeezed from the middle of the tube or an accusation of infidelity, it doesn't matter. If the telemarketer hangs on get increasingly scary. Make it sound like the both of you were born into a Columbian drug cartel and know no other way to make a living then assassinating politicians and robbing banks. You might get some nervous laughter but if you're good at this you can always plant a seed of doubt into the mind of the telemarketer, "Is this for real? No can't be.... but what if it is? I should really hang up."
Another great one is to answer the phone with something like this, "Hello, you have reached Saucy Sally's Sex Chat Line. Please wait a moment while you are transferred to a live Saucy Sally operator. You will be charged 2 dollars per minute..." You can make it a psychic hotline too or really anything that involves being charged. If the telemarketer buys it they'll hang up, after all they're trying to make money not loose it!
If you are good at impersonations you can also stretch your skills doing this as well. Trust me when I say telemarketers aren't any more fond of choppy hard to understand English then you are.
If all else fails just put a strange message on the answering machine and stop picking up the phone. This can be particularly annoying if you make the message on your machine sound like you've actually picked up the phone. "Hello? Hello? I can't hear you.... what are you saying? HELLO? Who is this? Why aren't you talking??" Be careful to warn friends and family of this little stunt because I knew someone who did this and really confused his friends who called...
All in all have fun and make sure you have nothing to hide just in case the telemarketer decides to report any strange activity in your home...
If this article made you chuckle try some others by Theophanes:
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