I Still Look For You – The Sequel – Chapter 2

I have nearly driven myself into a frenzy trying to forget this person from my past and have examined and re-examined what possibly could cause me to dream of him so often or have his memory come sneaking up on me when I least expected it.

I had decided that it was not him, per se, that I was trying to recapture, but the times. I was much younger than I am now. We had fun when we were together. And in my memory, life was good. But it was not all good, by any means. It was a time when I had left the horribly abusive and dysfunctional relationship, but the man was truly stalking me and had a legitimate reason to be in touch since we had a son together and he had been step-dad to my daughter.

Work was certainly not going well as I cooperated in an investigation against my boss and ended up being fired and having to move out of town to have a job paying enough to support my two children alone. No, times were not all fun and games, at all. But – he got me through them – even the pain he caused me. It was a feeling of being able to trust that someone was finally in my corner and that they had no doubt what-so-ever that I would succeed at whatever I needed to do. He admired me and the strength he saw in me at a time when I saw nothing at all of value in myself.

Just yesterday these words were written to me, by a complete stranger that I happened upon while still searching for Bobby. “You are in fear of losing your best friend, and hoping that someone that was there for you before will be able to help you thru what you are enduring now...

You will see those words repeated as I continue to write because I believe they are the truth, the piece of the puzzle I had not even considered. I had considered that I still held some romantic feelings for Bobby although I know that is not the case. I also thought that since we spent time doing things with the kids and it was almost like being the kid I never got to be, nor did he, that it was that whole missed youth ingredient that I still long for. But the whole relationship had a bitter-sweet edge to it and I’m old enough now to fully comprehend that it was, what it was and no more. Yet individual moments of that time remain as clear and vivid as the day in which they occurred. I know where we were when I hear a song. I can literally see, in my mind’s eye, him sitting across the table from me as we shared morning coffee and how the sun reflected off of his red hair. It sounds like romantic memories and there was that aspect to it, but there was more time spent as friends than lovers and we broke the rule that once you have been lovers you can never go back to being friends.

He asked if he could come up and stay with us for a while a couple of years after we had to move to another city. It was winter and he was there during New Year’s Eve. A lady friend of mine came over that evening and the three of us had drinks and a great time until I ended up in the bathroom, losing all of the vodka I had consumed. I gave him my car keys and told him to hit the town and see if he could get lucky. He was gone all night and while I didn’t ask and he didn’t tell, he said he really liked that town and flashed that crooked grin of his. He spent the day helping me nurse my incredible hangover and laughing at me for trying to be a heavy weight and keep up with him and my girlfriend. He and my son and I went to the best greasy spoon in all of Iowa and had breakfast, just what my poor stomach needed. I spent most of the rest of the day lying on the couch, my head in his lap and with him rubbing my head and back and just watching movies. It was good having him there and I felt very special once again just from little things he would say or do, yet it didn’t take all that long for me to realize it was time for him to go back to where I’d picked him up and for me to get on with my life at the time. I don’t know how long he would have stayed if I hadn’t arranged a ride back for him but I do know it was the right choice at the time. My life with two teens was just a little too complicated suddenly to include anyone – even him. I think he had just needed a break, as well, and a little time to figure out what to do with himself now that he no longer had the responsibility of raising his younger brothers.

He always knew how to get in touch with me and I’d be doing the bookkeeping or other office work and answer the phone to hear that small pause he always does after you say hello and then his voice would fill the room and my heart. We’d spend as much time as I had catching up and it was as if no time had passed from the last time we’d spoken. I knew when his girls were born and he always told me that if I needed to get in touch, that no matter what, I could always get a hold of him there. I guess he forgot to tell the mother of his girls that this was the plan because I was only able to get in touch with him once there. I was in town and we spent about half an hour at the park catching up.

He called and asked if he could take me to lunch the following day one time and that was when I told him I had married my present husband but that I knew it would be all right. After the relationship I’d been in before, I’ll bet he had his doubts, but he showed up and we left together hand in hand, like a couple of kids and had the world’s shortest lunch. He had thanked my husband for allowing us to have that visit together and he had responded that if I wanted someone else than he had no business being there and it was all good. I walked Bobby to his car and he let me know how happy he was for me that I’d found someone that understanding.

A few years after my husband and I married, we bought a home for my mom and step-dad in the town where Bobby lived. She decided she didn’t want to move into it after all, but that’s another whole story. We ended up with rental property some ninety-five miles from us and would go down on weekends getting it ready to rent. We had just pulled into town and I saw Bobby and another guy drive past us in the opposite direction. I fairly yelled out, “Bobby! That was Bobby in that car.” My husband did a u-turn right in the middle of the street and chased the car down … and you all wonder why I love him so much. He is a keeper for sure. We all met up at a pizza place and he played the pinball machine so Bobby and I could talk for a while and then he told him where the house was and that we’d be staying overnight to work on it and invited him to stop by. They did too and brought some beer but neither of us wanted one. I asked my husband if he’d like to show them the house and the huge basement but he told me no, I could go ahead and do it. At the bottom of the steps, Bobby put his hand across the small of my back and kept it there ever so lightly. I don’t know quite how to describe it but it was such an endearing feeling, sort of like what you’d do for a child you were guiding along.

It wasn’t the last time I’d hear from him ... but it was the last time I saw him.

More by this Author


    For my readers who have been following the "I Still Look For You" memoir, this is a peek at the final chapter. I don't know of an author who didn't see the end coming to their own story, but this happened to...

Comments 12 comments

stars439 profile image

stars439 4 years ago from Louisiana, The Magnolia and Pelican State.

Beautifully told, and sort of sad as reality, and the need to go on with lives took precedence. Bobby was a friend, and it is always a little difficult to be apart.

You wrote this so well. God Bless You Precious heart, and your husband, and the children, and grandchildren.

Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 4 years ago from On the edge Author

Thank-you stars. It was a thimble full compared to the love and life my husband and I have shared, but a very unique and dear friendship to me.

Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

I believe you will still hear from Bobby. The connection you've always shared will find a way. It is almost like telepathy where one knows the other needs them. It must be disorienting to feel all alone when your loved one is no longer able to be fully present. Even hearing the traffic outside or running into a store must make you feel like life is all around you, yet you feel so alone. I am thinking of you. Take care of yourself.

Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 4 years ago from On the edge Author

Amy, you've said a mouthful, girl. I am starting to feel invisible. Thank-you so much!

Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

I feel for you, Poohgranma. When I was laid off 2-weeks following my divorce on May 20, 2010, I felt desperate, ashamed and invisible. Everywhere I went I saw people going to or coming home from work and spending on items I could no longer afford. Still unemployed, I don't go out unless I have to as the cost of fuel is so high. Without my job I feel useless and like the whole world is passing me by. Of course, I know I am not alone, but any loss, be it a best friend, spouse, or job, is very isolating. Make sure you take care of yourself, Poohgranma. YOU MATTER.

Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 4 years ago from On the edge Author

You know Amy, I went to read some of your hubs, knowing I have been following you for a long time now and yet discovering I am not getting notifications when you publish. This has happened before with others. I will have to seek you out I guess.

Anyway, in reading, "In Memory of Josh" not just the hub, but the comments, both yours and others, I felt my troubles are so small. I remember when they involved my children and their pain and that is truly the most torturous place on this earth. I hope that your ex-SIL and all of the others have found some peace, some respite from their incredible loses and I so hope that your daughter's situation has somehow righted itself.

Yes, loss can be so debilitating and can knock you off your feet, for sure. There is a tightrope that one walks when you have Major Depressive Disorder and I know that there is no safety net this time. That cavern of darkness is so cold and I don't think I can climb out of it again if I fall. I've been to the brink a few times now but have managed to back away in time. It looms in the back of my mind though and I am dreading the struggle.

SomewayOuttaHere profile image

SomewayOuttaHere 4 years ago from TheGreatGigInTheSky

well...i see it as fate...sometimes folks drop into our lives...they help us make sense during that chapter...and then they move along...they are so important...and can help us heal or prepare for the next chapter and of course we remember fondly of how important their friendship was and is...it was an important turning point in your life and he helped you through it PG...and you helped him too....such an intimate time

Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 4 years ago from On the edge Author

SOH, you are always so sensible, making my madness sound logical .... ha ha ha

Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Thank you, Poohgranma, for checking out "In Memory of Josh". I've had the same issues with not getting notifications on some that I follow.

One of the most beneficial attributes of the hub family is the tremendous support I've gotten from friends around the globe. They never make me feel like I'm whining. I want to step up now and tell you I understand how you are feeling, and no ones problems outweigh your own. You are dealing with a personal situation that is just as important to you as any one I personally deal with. It is what you are living with each and every day. There is no scoring or comparison from one to another. I have been privy to a different world at the hub...there is no one-ups-manship like I encounter in the "real" world. Our lives are not a contest. They are our reality. Thank you for your kindness and understanding. I hope I have relayed the same to you, my friend.

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Vincent Moore 4 years ago

You are fortunate you had a very understanding and caring husband, he was not jealous about Bobby. He let the both of you share your friendship and he trusted you, unlike many husbands who would fly off the handle in rage. They don't want any part of their wives exes or past and act way to insecure. I think there is a reason for all of this and maybe just maybe you two will end up back together in the long run.

Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 4 years ago from On the edge Author

Oh no, Vincent, I don't see that at all. I only want to be able to talk to him, that's all. And yes, Gary is a true gentleman. He knows how much I love him and how much I hate infidelity. Besides, any time I have with him is all anyone could ask for. I get frustrated with him - well, with his disease and the medications, but I wouldn't trade one minute with him for a lifetime with someone else.

If he passes before I do, I don't think I could stand to live with anyone. I am too old and set in my ways.

DeBorrah K. Ogans profile image

DeBorrah K. Ogans 4 years ago

Poohgramma, This continues to be a lovely story of a great friendship. It is understandable why it has come to mind as you continue on this journey with Gary. All of you have shared moments together. When it is all said and done the most precious possessions that remain are the memories... He was gracious enough to allow you to continue your friendship... it is also a testimonial to your devotion. May the Peace of our Lord be with you!

Thank you as always for sharing, In HIS Love, Grace, Joy, Peace & Blessings!

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