It Wasn't That Bad After All
Finally the day arrived. The day I'm going to leave the town where I grew up, I'm leaving with my dad and my younger brother and head back to Bulacan where we have been staying for the meantime while we are taking care of our immigration papers. Now everything is ready and taken care of for our flight tomorrow. It was a gloomy day. Seems like the weather knows how I exactly feel. I just don't want to show it. I'm tough, I keep on telling myself that as I fight off this mix feelings of excitement, sadness and fear of the unknown. I don't know what's waiting for me thousands of miles away. But I don't want anybody to notice that I am sad. I should focus more on one particular feeling - happiness. And I am happy because at last I'm going to see my mom again and live with her. But you know there's just this feeling that lingers, gnawing on some part of my heart about the friends I am going to leave behind, everything is going to change. And there's this thought if I am going to be ok?
But my younger brother wasn't as good as me in hiding his emotion. I could tell his sad. Sitting on the wooden bench in front of our neighbor's small store with his heavy backpack, he lifted his gaze from the ground as one neighbor across the street approaches.
"Just stay here Jhon. There would be no rice fields in San Diego like we have here where you can fly your kite." Aunt En said, smiling at my brother as she approached the bamboo made bench where we were sitting with some other neighbors. She wasn't really our aunt or relative. It's just the way we address our neighbors, being respectful. After not getting any response from my brother, she went on and sat across the other bench and started chit-chatting with the store owner. A few others joined in and sat with us as we waited for a van that will lead us to Calapan pier. And as a van approaches coming downhill from the small bridge less than a mile away, dad prepared the case and all other heavy bags that were filled with all the important things. Everyone told us how they are going to miss us and bid their goodbyes. They promised they will be going to look after our house that we are going to leave behind.
It was a long trip as always and was already dark when we arrived to my uncle's place. It was just another normal night, spending the rest of it with our relatives whom we are staying with. My brother and I are all ears as my dad and the rest sings the karaoke and chit chats while having a few glasses of beer. After this night, who knows when will this happen again? I can't sleep that night. My last night in my homeland. Tomorrow evening I would be in a new place, a new world to be exact. A new world where my mom is waiting for us. I am excited to see her. But I'm worried and sad at the same time thinking about things I have to endure in that strange land. I'm a thinker you know. I can play all sorts of scenarios in my head on how things would probably turn out, or the troubles I have to face. Would I have friends? If I go to school, I would feel like an outcast. Maybe I would be a target for bullying like those I saw on some movies. I don't like the feeling as I imagine what would be my first day of school like. I could see myself lost, trying to find where I need to be at, students looking at me as if there's something wrong with me. And what if I can barely understand them? I don't know how to ride the bus. What if I look like a stupid lost girl? That would be so embarrassing.
I was up at the crack of dawn the following day. Well, I and my younger brother had been told to get ready early as we are going to stop by to another relative. We are going to spend the last few hours there before our flight. They are going to drive us to the airport as my uncle whom we stayed for the night has work and is unable to drive us. And before we left, of course there's the hugging and endless instructions of elder relatives for me and my brother. I can remember my auntie as she hugged me and she did a good job stopping herself from crying. As for me, I think I played cool enough. Only I know that it feels like there's this knot in my throat, feeling a little heavy inside.
"Take care of your mom, ok?" auntie said as she managed to smile after hugging me. "Cook for her once in a while and let her try our recipe for sauteed mung beans," she added and looked up, trying to stop tears from her eyes. I know my aunt was trying her best not to as it shouldn't be a sad goodbye. Then off we went to my other uncle where we spent the rest of our remaining hours. I walked with my aunt and cousin to a famous bakery and they bought some goodies for my mom, the Filipino pasalubong.
That afternoon, they drove us to the airport and as fast as we had spent our last few hours with them, the next morning I was in a new land. It feels as if I was in a new planet but I was as excited and happy with my dad and my younger brother when we saw mom waiting for us. That's one of the happiest moments in our lives.
Today as I sat on the floor flipping pages of photos of our first day in the American soil, I can't help the faint smile as I imagine how I was back then, scared. I slowly got over the homesickness. I had survived the dreadful first days of school. I learned how to ride the bus and trolley though I felt like hundreds of drums were playing in my chest the very first time I did it. I got over my phobia of driving on the freeway. And sometimes when I have to do something for the first time, like going to an unfamiliar place and the butterflies started to fill in with my mind playing unwanted thoughts on me, I just have to remember all this things and how it turned out to be alright.
You see, changes are scary and it's ok to anticipate how things would turn out. But most likely than not, it will be alright. And after all, you'll get that smile on your face as you think that whatever change you've been through, wasn't that bad after all. It's just in your head.
