It's Only Me - I'll Catch Ya' Later

Attractive Young Nurse

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Don't go out today!

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Spiderman - looking glum

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The North Face of the Eiger

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Dalmatian

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Daisy - a sweet little tortoiseshell kitten

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The Vote: How It Was Won and How It Was Undermined by Paul Foot is available from Bookmarks, the socialist bookshop, at a special price of £20. Phone 020 7637 1848 or go to www.bookmarks.uk.com,

Why do people say irritating things like, 'I'll catch ya' later'? What is it: a threat? Or is it anticipation of their own derring-do? Are they having a premonition about my impending tragedy? If that's the case, why don’t they just say, "Don't go out today! You're gonna fall down a manhole - but don't worry, I'll be there to catch ya'."

"Oh that's alright then." I should reply duly relieved, "Whether or not I go out today, you've got me covered. You must be my guardian angel. (And here was me thinking you're just the numpty that lives next door.)

"Please do catch me - as soon as possible!" I'm tempted to add, "If I'm falling off a cliff, or tumbling over a high building without my Spiderman outfit on. "Otherwise keep your interfering hands off me”.

Here’s another thing! Why is it that the one person that I least want to see, has to introduce himself with irritating sayings like, "It's only me"? "Only!" he says, as if that should put my mind at rest - when I'm really thinking, "Trust him to turn up now - like a pernicious bout of diarrhoea whilst scaling the North face of The Eiger.

Isn't he the one that wants me to fall over a cliff, just so he can catch me? No doubt, he just wants to feel superior, in his usual perverse way. Isn't he the one who kept me awake all night worrying that he might turn up in the wee small hours, (taking me at gunpoint, perhaps), to the nearest cliff so he could push me over and catch me - later"? Not necessarily, mark you, when I need him to be there, to catch me - later, if you please! He'll do it in his own good time, no less. I mean it’s obvious he’s had the whole thing planned. How else would he be so sure what’s going to happen - later?

How much later, I wonder. There's not much point (from my point of view) in him coming through the door with his, "It's only me", "I'll catch you later" - or for that matter, "I'll catch you now", utterances, after the traumatic event is all over. When, for example - there I am, having my damaged bits-and-pieces bandaged up by an attractive young nurse. There I am, busy regaling her with my heroic story. She’s, listening, dewy-eyed and spellbound. I’m describing how I received my horrific injuries whilst, with complete disregard for my own safety, I rescued a cute little Dalmatian puppy from a raging torrent of verbal incompetence. On the other hand, (depending on her preference - which, of course, I'll have cunningly ascertained beforehand) how dashingly, I intervened on behalf of a sweet little tortoiseshell kitten. There I’ll be, bloodied, but not bowed in absolute modesty (in my typical heroic fashion) - illuminating expansively, in my usual charming way, how I pulled the bedraggled wretch, just in time, from the pulsating posterior of a maniacal halfwit. The same maniacal halfwit, I might add, who keeps bursting through my front door uninvited, and saying, “It’s only me”, as if I ought to consider that to be some sort of consolation for a plan typically thwarted by his importunity.

There I am, about to ask her what she's doing on Saturday night that doesn't require a man to have full use of his faculties - and he seems to think that a salutation such as, "It's only me", is likely to put a man with bruised-and-battered bits-and-pieces (with added pressures hopefully forthcoming) into a more welcoming disposition. "I'll catch ya' later", would suit the mood better, coming from him; being as it is a goodbye, of sorts.

What's more - especially with an attractive young nurse in attendance, I suppose it's much more appropriate than the profanities that first spring to mind, when he usually bursts in uninvited. That’s not to say that all attractive young nurses would object to profanity these days - but you never know, she might be the God-fearing sort. Nor that there's any guarantee either, that attractive young nurses should have predilections for Dalmatian puppies or bedraggled kittens rescued heroically from the bowels of despair. For all I know, she might be the sort that eats such things alive - never mind senior citizens with damaged bits-and-pieces, complete with prostate complications. But that’s all speculation; I haven’t even fallen over the cliff yet, and knowing my luck I’d get a great big ugly male nurse bandaging my odds and ends. No doubt he’d come through the door saying, “It’s only me.” And leave saying, “I’ll catch ya’ later.” (To which I’d reply, “Don’t start that again!”)

However, getting back to the point - and knowing him - whatever I say is likely to fall on deaf ears, attached as they are, to the kind of head, that’s attached to the kind of plonker, who's chosen way of saying goodbye is an irritating, "Catch ya' later".

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Comments 18 comments

drbj profile image

drbj 4 years ago from south Florida

Sometimes, amillar, I think folks say, 'Catch you later,' when what they really mean is 'Don't hold your breath.'

Admire that word, 'plonker' - does it mean a person whose porch light isn't lit? Just wonderin'.


amillar profile image

amillar 4 years ago from Scotland, UK Author

You've caught me using a mildly rude word drbj, (I thought I'd get away with it). It might not seem so mild in translation though, so I'd rather not translate it in polite company, such as yours.

Whilst doing on the porch however, it might be advisable to turn the light off, in order not to offend the neighbours.


Shinkicker profile image

Shinkicker 4 years ago from Scotland

Fun Hub amillar

Another phrase of course would be "Y'allright" as a greeting. Purely rhetorical.

Cheers!


amillar profile image

amillar 4 years ago from Scotland, UK Author

Thank you for visiting and for your encouraging comment Mr Shinkicker. Yes, as you say that seems purely rhetorical - and generally we are alright until the banalities start.


Pollyannalana profile image

Pollyannalana 4 years ago from US

I can't help laughing because this reminds me of being a kid and people as I heard were always saying, "Don't come back now, hear?" Just visiting and having people visit they always said this and it puzzled me because no one looked mad so why did they always say this; but being so shy I never asked questions. I guess my ears were bad because I did find out years later they were saying, "Y'all come back now, hear?" which is a southern saying. So anyway, maybe we can think about it and see people aren't being rude at all. lol Maybe we just think they are.


amillar profile image

amillar 4 years ago from Scotland, UK Author

Now you mention it Polly, it reminds me of a weathergirl/woman; she used to say things like, “Today it’ll be windy, tickly round about the Balearics”.

It might just be my hearing. On the other hand, our southern neighbours (‘tickly’ in the home counties of England) tend not to adequately pronounce the first syllable in words like ‘particularly’.

Anyway thanks for dropping by. BTW, I like the way y'all speak over there - ‘tickly’ in the South.


Jackie Lynnley profile image

Jackie Lynnley 4 years ago from The Beautiful South

Haha, well it's good to know I am not alone. The south is being so infiltrated it is rare unless we have community events to have a bunch of 'y'alls' together.


amillar profile image

amillar 4 years ago from Scotland, UK Author

Hi Jackie,

Y'all come back here now, hear.


Jackie Lynnley profile image

Jackie Lynnley 4 years ago from The Beautiful South

Believe me, that brought a whole barrel of laughs!


amillar profile image

amillar 4 years ago from Scotland, UK Author

You and Polly - ya'll come back here now hear.


aslanlight profile image

aslanlight 3 years ago from England

Ah the damn bowels of despair. I always go there when someone say 'Are you alright?'.Well do I tell them the truth? They'd get bored within 10 seconds if I say 'I'm dying of a horrible disease, I hate my neighbours, my imaginary cat has died and I'm about to give you my horrible disease (do you fancy me by the way?). Or if I say 'Life's wonderful, I'm so full of joy that I've got happiness diahorreah pouring out' they won't believe me and will have me committed. The only problem with that is there's not enough government funding these days to be committed.


amillar profile image

amillar 3 years ago from Scotland, UK Author

It seems we both sing from the same hymnbook aslanlight - not that I'd suggest for one moment that you're religious. As for government, the only thing it commits to these days is austerity - and blaming everyone else for it.

Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment BTW.


CreatePerfection profile image

CreatePerfection 3 years ago from Beautiful Colorado

What a great piece of writing. Your prose and imagination are amazing and I was spellbound from the begining.

Lela


amillar profile image

amillar 3 years ago from Scotland, UK Author

Thank you for reading Lela and for the kind and encouraging comment. This indeed, is why I bother.


toknowinfo profile image

toknowinfo 3 years ago

This was once again, one of your many enjoyable reads. I really appreciate your perspective and your humor. I hope you will be writing again sometime soon. All the best to you.


amillar profile image

amillar 3 years ago from Scotland, UK Author

Thank you for visiting and commenting so kindly toknowinfo. I've been a bit lazy recently on the writing scene, working on a part time business venture. Maybe I'll start making a nuisance of myself on the internet again once that beds in. 'The devil makes work for idle hands'.

All the best to you too.


toknowinfo profile image

toknowinfo 3 years ago

Well I look forward to that time when you are back on Hub Pages, and I wish you all the success in your newest venture. I am sure you will have a thing or two to share about that too.


amillar profile image

amillar 3 years ago from Scotland, UK Author

Yes I expect I'll have a rant or two, as is my wont, or hopefully I'll do some crowing if things work out well. Either way I'll keep in touch.

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