Making High School Mathematics Fun with Penises

There are two things I enjoy: figuring things out and crude humour. Yes, I can't get enough penis jokes. And y'know what? Neither can high school students. What high school students would rather not do is figure things out. But what if we could make them figure out things that have to do with penises? Well, we'd have struck the motherload--creepy incestuous pun not intended. So if you want to make teaching your students mathematics a fun activity, look no further, you have struck gold, my friends. And if you want to get the FBI confiscating your laptop, just teach this article to your class exactly as it stands.

Enough chit-chat! Let's get to the math and penises.

Fact: There are roughly 6.5 billion people in the world.
Fact: Roughly half of them are male.
So: 3.25 billion male humans in the world.
So: 3.25 billion human penises in the universe. That's a whole lotta penis, right? Well, let's see.

Fact: The average penis size is 6 inches in length and 4.5 inches in circumference.
What we want to do now is calculate the volume of the penis.
A penis is basically a cylinder. Getting the volume of a cylinder? pi by the radius squared by the height. Now we have the circumference of the penis, but not the radius. So we have to divide 4.5 by pi to get the diameter. Approximately 1.38 inches. Then we have to divide that by 2 to get the radius. That's approximately 0.69 inches. Pi by 0.69 squared by 6 is 9.28 cubic inches.

So, we just have to multiply 9.28 by 3,250,000,000 to get the volume of pure human penis in the world. It's 30,160,000,000, or 30.16 billion cubic inches. That is a whole lotta penis.

30.16 billion cubic inches of penis sounds like a lot, but it's difficult (thought I'd say 'hard' eh?) to really visualize it. So let's find some comparisons.

In the News they always use Olympic Swimming Pools as an unofficial unit of measurement. I've actually never seen an Olympic Swimming Pool, because, as I've explained before, I don't watch the Olympics. So let's look at a picture of one. There, on the right. That's an Olympic Swimming Pool.

The volume of an Olympic Swimming Pool is 152,063,847 cubic inches. Obviously there's more penis than pool. So we want to find out how many pools we need for all our pure penis matter. We only have to divide 30.16 billion by 152,063,847. The answer? 198.3! 198.3 Olympic Swimming Pools to contain all the human penis on Earth.

Now there's no good reason anyone would want to remove all the penises on Earth and put them in pools. It would be odd and potentially the end of the human race. But this is just hypothetical. Fun with math!

Or put another way. Let's imagine we wanted to pack empty boxes of facial tissues ("kleenex") with penis (so our athletes can swim, I guess), how many boxes would we require?
The average box of tissues is 9.25"X4.75"X3", so the volume is 131.8125 cubic inches.
30.16 billion divided by 131.8125 is 228,809,862. It would take nearly 230 hundred million boxes to package all our penises. And that's even assuming our penises could be rendered into a space-filling fluid of sorts; we're not leaving any room for space in between individual penises. Why aren't we doing that? Because I have no idea how I'd go about doing that.

The volume of Earth in cubic feet is 38,271,467,520,000,000,000,000. That would get way too unwieldy to convert into cubic inches, so we'll just convert the cubic inches of penis into cubic feet. It's 17,453,703.629.

Okay, so there's a lot more Earth than penis. As one would expect. So what am I up to? Well, think about this. All humans are made of Earth-matter. It was matter on Earth that first organized into protein strands, then cells, then multicelled organisms, and eventually us. So we're all made of Earth-stuff. If all the penis-matter on Earth was returned to pure Earth, by what percentage would Earth by increased? That's what I want to know. I promised this would be weird.

We have to divide the volume of penis,17453703.629, by the volume of Earth, 38271467520000000000000, and multiply by 100. The answer is 4.5*10^-15 %. I'll be honest, I expected a much more impressive number. The Earth wouldn't even notice. There's room for a lot more Earth to be turned into penis. Good news for everyone.

Okay, I don't know about you, but I've had quite enough of packing penis into things. Let's figure out what happens if we stack all the penises in the world on top of one another. What monstrosity might we erect?
This one's simple. It's just 6 multiplied by 3.25 billion. It's 19.5 billion inches high. Now that many inches is unwieldy to say the least. In miles that would be 307765.15. In feet, well, just divide by 12. 1.625 billion. Yeah, since we multiplied by 6 and divided by 12 (which is 6*2), we ended up just dividing 3.25 by 2.

Okay, time to put this in concrete terms. The circumference of the Earth is 24900 miles. So, if we divide the pure length of penis in miles by the cirumference of the Earth, we get how many times we can wrap all the pure length of penis around the Earth. 307765.15/24900 = 12.36. Yes, we could wrap that pure length of penis around the Earth 12.36 times.

Now, the moon is always moving. But its average distance from the Earth is 238857 miles. So that pure length of penis, 307765 miles, could extend from Earth to the moon and then some.

Finally, let's do the surface area. This is a bit more difficult. Because the penis is not a perfect cylinder. It has that cone on one end and is connected to the body on the other. But we're just going to treat it as a cylinder, because, to be honest, I don't know what the average length of the penis head is. Besides, this is just for fun. No-one's actually going to be putting this stuff into practice. At least I hope not. I like my penis right where it is. And I like to think the ladytypes do too.

The surface area of a cylinder is 2(pi r ²) + (2 pi r)* h. Why? Because we're calculating the area of the circles on the top and bottom of the cylinder, hence the two pi*r squareds. Then we're adding the surface area of the, uh, other thing. Okay, I haven't been in high school in a long time. Give me a break. So we have the average radius already. It's 0.69. Squaring that, multiplying by pi, it's 1.55. We won't multiply by 2, because one end is connected to the body. And that'll be + (4.485)*6, which is 26.91. 1.55 + 26.91 = 28.46. The average penis surface area is 28.46 square inches. Not bad, but horses and dolphins still laugh at us.

How much pure surface area of penis on Earth? 28.46 multiplied by 3.25 billion is 92,495,000,000, or 92.5 billion square inches.

Let's put that in perspective.
The surface area of the moon is 14,645,750 miles.
So, dividing the surface area of penis by the surface area of the moon, the amount of penis surface area on Earth could completely cover the moon a whopping 6315.48 times. That's a lot of penis.
The surface area of the Earth is 196,935,000 miles.
So, dividing the surface area of penis by the surface area of the Earth, the amount of penis surface area on Earth could completely cover the Earth 469.698 times! That, allow me to repeat, is a lot of penis.

If you take the volume of penis on Earth, transform it into an ultra-thin line--in other words, if you compress the total volume of penis into a one-dimensional object--that line would be 27,434,308,096,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 inches long. That's 4,666,789,658,199,085,000 light years. Quite an achievement in penis, if I do say so myself.

Thanks for reading, folks. I hope you'll appreciate both math and penises a whole lot more now. There's a frighteningly large soup of penis in existence and if any one penis can distinguish itself from that gooey, monolithic blob of masculinity and make a lady or another man happy, then a little spark of the divine has flared into your life and a little caress of magic has washed through his. (I don't mean to discriminate against lesbians--you have a whole other sort of divinity going on, ladies, and I 'preciate it.)