Captain Kirk and the star trek crew meet a lifeform from the infomercial region of the galaxy

orion slave woman

The Light Clappers of Roncose

Uhura-Captain we have an alien transmission that appears to be seeking contact.
Captain Kirk-Put it on the intercom Uhura.
Alien-Enterprise are you there?Are you there enterprise?Help us.Enterprise.
Kirk-Yes,yes we are here.This is captain Kirk.What is your status?
Alien-Ive fallen and I cant get up.
Kirk-We hear you loud and clear.What have you fallen from?
Alien-I dont know.We were on a trip and now here we are.

Kirk-Spock? What is a trip?And who is this Orion woman?
Spock-One moment captain while I check the linguistic banks.Captain I have surmized that this is not an orion woman.As for a trip as you humans call it,a place to visit in order to feel the mental euphoria you humans tend to refer to as in elation or glee.Its all quite illogical.
Kirk-But if shes not orion Spock then what is she?
Spock-Captain our scanners have confirmed that this female lifeform is originally from what is today known as the infomercial region of the galaxy.However,computer analysis has confirmed that she and her crew once travelled a vast distance well past the ronconian region of the galaxy and met up with an alien race whom called themselves the clappers of the light.
Kirk-Really?But why would she do this Spock?

Spock-Now scanning region Captain.Analysis has derived that these light clappers tend to enjoy using their hands to direct their technological energies.Unfortunately they grew into two seperate and different factions.The two factions are claponners and the clapoffers.The claponners were referred to as the clappers of the light.The clapoffers were referred to as the clappers of the dark.For years these two factions have been at war over whether the light of their world remains on or remains off.

Kirk-Yes Mr.Sulu.

Sulu-Captain,my censors are showing other lifeforms from this region.Captain they theyre also clapping their hands.I..I dont understand it captain.
Kirk-Alright Mr. Sulu.maintain warp factor one.Spock,what else do you have?
Spock-Captain I have logically formulated that this particular form could be the ancesters of your own planet sir.Way back in your earth history there are records of what were once termed yankee clappers.These yankee clappers if you will,found the northern regions too barren and cold to live,thus many went mauradering across space to reach those warm southern regions today known as the tropics.Tradition has it that whenever they would clap their hands the light would appear.The lifeforms Mr.Sulu has spotted are similar to such clappers.A quite logical lifeform captain in that they use their devices to both clap on and clap off.
Kirk-Thank you Spock.Thats quite helpful.
Mr.Scott-Captain may I ask you a question sir?
Kirk-Yes certainly Mr.Scott.
Mr.Scott-Captain tis all makes perfect sense to me sir but would Mr.Spock please elaborate as to the lasses recent communication?Would she like to share some scotch with me sir?
Kirk-Yes Mr.Scott that is a very good question.Spock,do you care to elaborate? Certainly captain.If Mr.Scott will please refrain from his flagrant emotionalism,I will state that we are dealing with a being who has obviously fallen and cannot get back up.It would not be logical for Mr.Scott to intoxicate this lifeform with scotch captain.
Kirk-I agree Mr.Spock.As always your logic seems to win out.Sorry Scotty but I cannot grant your request.

Mr.Scott-Aye aye captain,dratsya bogusfrats.

Spock-Yes captain.

Kirk-Spock and Dr.McCoy,youll both come with me to transporter room five.I hope we wont need your services Bones.
Dr.McCoy-Amen to that Jim.
Kirk-Feed in these coordinances Mr.Spock and beam the lightclapper aboard on my command.Energize!
Spock-Captain we got a fix,however there appears to be another lifeform in the vicinity.Captain I do believe this other lifeform is beaming up as well.
Kirk-Spock what is it?
Spock-I dont know captain but it appears that we are soon going to find out.
Kirk-Greetings my name is Captain Kirk and youre aboard the enterprise.This is first commander Mr.Spock and our cheif medical physician Dr.McCoy.Check the fallen one over Bones.And as for you,Im sorry that you got caught up in our transporters but it couldnt be helped.I see youre another lightclapper.
Alien-No Captain Kirk you are in error.For many years the creature here who has fallen but cant get up has been our nemesis and must remain in darkness just as we are.Do you understand captain?
Kirk-No and please forgive me but no I dont understand.Youre both quite obviously clappers of the light madam.
Alien-No captain we are not alike.I am a clapoffer and she is a claponner.Any other questions captain?

Kirk-No I havent any but I will say that as captain of this vessel I will not have any disruptions with the functions of this ship due to any of your clapping technologies.Please enjoy your quarters.You are our guests here.If you happen to fall and cant get up,these com panels here
will alert the crew to your travesty.This enson will escort you to your quarters now.Do you have any questions?
Alien-No I dont and thank you captain,you are too kind.
Kirk-Bones whats the status on the other one?
Dr.McCoy-Well captain,the lightclappers back on her feet but I just dont know what wouldve caused her to fall like that in the first place.
Kirk-Bones you..must..find..out..what..went wrong!
Dr.McCoy-Blast it captain,Im just a doctor,Im not an infomercial enthusiast.Theyre both now sleeping in their quarters captain.
Kirk-Alright doctor,alert me when they have awakened.Bridge to Scotty?
Mr.Scott-Yes captain Scott here.
Kirk-Scotty why have all the lights started flashing?Theyre flashing on and off faster and faster.
Mr.Scott-Captain there is no telling and there seems to be no stopping it.But I do know one thing for certain sir.If we cant stop it,you nor I will be able to stand here and talk about it because soon we will all fall and wont be able to get up sir.If,if ya know what I mean sir?
Kirk-Yes Scotty indeed I do.Hold a minute Scotty Im being hailed.Bones what is it?

Dr.Mccoy-Captain both the lightclappers have left their quarters and are headed for the bridge.Ones clapping and yelling clap on and the the other is yelling clapoff.Captain,these aliens strobe effects have got everyone down here falling and not being able to get up.
Kirk-Thank you Bones.Noted and Kirk out.Spock can you get a fix on this phenomena?

Spock-Captain I believe that both have taken control of various electrical light components throughout the ship.The alien is now behind you captain.
Kirk-I am the captain of this vessel.What are you doing on my bridge?What are you doing to my crew and our lights?I want some answers and I want them now.
Alien-Of course captain.We are the clappers of the light from the planet Roncoze.Both our factions have been at war for many years.We wish for the light to remain on and they wish for it to remain off.It was necessary to for us to install our roncoze technology into your ships systems.We have control of your ship now..clap
on..and your crew captain,and will maintain this control until we reach our late night infomercialled homeland once again.Once there I will turn in this clapoff renegade to the authorities.Its useless to fight us.Will you cooperate captain?
Kirk-No I will not cooperate.We and the federation most certainly will not cooperate.You may be able to clap the lights on and the other clap the lights off.You may even be able to strobe light my crew to the point of falling down and being unable to get up but I am the captain.And I have the final word.Computer analyze my voice and carry out general order 19.95.And on my responsibility as captain of the enterprize you will begin countdown.Do you clappers have any questions?
Aliens-Captain,captain we meant you no harm.What is this general order 19.95?What are you doing captain?
Kirk-Ill tell you what I am doing.General order 19.95 is where our computers will automatically unplug your clapping device from our systems.Then there will be no clapping on or off or otherwise.The unit will then be sent to your home planet where we will receive a refund of 19.95 minus shipping.But there is another answer.There is another way.But you have to trust us.Will you trust us?
Alien-Yes captain we will trust you on this one occassion.Just please dont carry out general order 19.95.Now what do you have in mind captain?

Kirk- Well first of abort general order 19.95.On my order,abort order 19.95.Now I could take away your clapping device and then youd have to get up and turn the light on at the switch.But Im not going to do that.If you look over here to the right of me you will see that Spock is holding what is called a replication device.It replicates a duplicate of whatever we program it with.Scotty hand me that clapping unit.Now when we place this unit in front of our replicator we now have two clapping units.It replicates a duplicate of the original.Heres one for you and heres one for you too.This way when you get back home both your people can have their choice whether as to have the light on or to have it off.And plus since there will be no strobe light effects,you wont have to be falling down again.Or being unable to get back up.Does this sound agreeable to you?
Alien-Yes captain this is very much agreeable with us.
Kirk-Do you have anything to add to this Spock?
Spock-Yes captain I do.If you both will from now on focus your clapping properly,you will be able to turn your television sets on and off as well.Its all quite logical.And I see we are now in orbit around the planet Roncoze captain.Any orders?
Kirk-Yes Mr.Spock.Join me in the transporter room to escort our guests back to their planet.You have the helm Sulu.
Were ready to beam you back to your planet now.Do you have your clappers?
Aliens-Yes captain we have them.And thank you for showing us a new way to use them.Our people will be eternally indebted to you all.And thank you Mr.Spock for showing us our own illogics in the face of reason.
Spock-Youre quite welcome.With the new units Im sure you will all do quite well.Clap long and prosper.Coordinances are set captain.
Kirk-Very good Mr.Spock.Energize!Now that thats done,our next heading is 1574.329.Thats the orion belt isnt it Spock?
Spock-Affirmative captain.
kirk-Sulu,take us out of orbit,warp factor three.Aye aye captain warp factor three.

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