LIVING IS A LIE

photo - http://baltimorespectator.blogspot.com/2010_06_01_archive.html
photo - http://baltimorespectator.blogspot.com/2010_06_01_archive.html

Sick of dying
Sick of death
Waiting for his final breath

I want to scream
I want to cry
I want now only
To say good bye
NOT TO HIM
To death and gloom
It fills every corner of
Every room

It’s replaced the blood
that used to flow through my veins
taken our lives
and all that remains
is waiting
waiting
for the other shoe to fall
watching
praying
when there is no hope at all

But wait, there is news
He got a reprieve
It’s not so very bad
Not yet his time to leave
Throw a party
Celebrate
Call our friends
Say he’s doing great

And he was for a while
He even would smile
And hold me tight
When I cried out in the night

Now the toll has been taken
Doctors, they were mistaken
Only God knows his time
how much longer he’s mine

Now he waits
Just to leave
I can’t make him believe
There is reason to stay
He doesn’t want life
If life is this way

No one comes around
No one even calls
He wants the final curtain
Waits for it to fall

I hate being awake
And sleep all I can
It’s too painful to be
It’s more than I can stand

He’s awake most of the time
Gets by on four hours
And manages fine
Naps in short bursts
Takes pain pills when he hurts

slips blissfully into a place
where I can not follow
I’m left here, alone
A shadow, my heart is hollow

We were supposed to enjoy this
A gift of more time
But he’s dying in his world and I’m dying in mine

Let us be – set us free – we don’t want to go on this way
Take us both, take us soon, it’s all that I pray
Let us be together again like we were so long ago
Yes we’re both breathing
But it’s for nothing but show

Swallow food
Swallow tears
Fake a smile
Hide our fears

It’s all fake
We’re not true
We left months ago
In each others arms
and no one knew
No one buried us
It must have slipped their minds
Like we have
Here alone
In this house that used to be a home


After three months of Hospice care, my husband was "graduated" from the program which, in his case, means his COPD has not resulted in his death in the predicted three to six months. I was, at first, elated and felt we had received a true miracle. When your life mate is dying still, no better, but not bad enough for Hospice care it leaves you in an odd sense of limbo. We had to prepare for and accept his death and strangely so, there are no instructions for coming out of that mode and trying to redefine what exactly that leaves. He has chosen not only to not fight, but now will not use the oxygen or inhalers that could make his quality of life a little better. He has increased his smoking which speeds up the respiratory failure and because of his condition he has no physical energy. It is like watching someone you love commit suicide in slow motion. I finally had to do something, write something, to try to release what I've been feeling.

I am still his care taker for the things he can no longer do for him self, but he requires less of my time and help than he did when his comfort was the main focus and he was literally loaded up on pain medication. This is an odd place to be, me, wanting to enjoy the time we have left together and him, seemingly try to race toward the end. I don't blame him for feeling the way he does, but I do resent it. I don't really want to die, but I feel guilty for living as well. It's like laughing at a funeral ... disrespectful and crass.

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Comments 25 comments

Movie Master profile image

Movie Master 4 years ago from United Kingdom

Dearest Pooh, I am so sorry I don't know the right words to say, but please know my thoughts and prayers are with you, MM


KellyMcB profile image

KellyMcB 4 years ago from USA

I too know what it is like to watch someone slowly die. My father died of cancer 3 yrs ago. We did the hospice route as well. He never came out of hospice so in that aspect I don't know how you feel to have made peace with what you thought was soon to be the end, just to have to reset yourself all over again. You have my deepest sympathies for what you are going through.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Dear Poohgranma, When my sweet father had a stroke from a bleed at his brainstem 9-years ago, the suddenness of it hit me, literally, in the gut immediately, as soon as I entered my father's space in the ER and still affects my health. Yet, I was grateful to God that he took him 24-hours after the event, with my dad never rousing from the coma he was lost in.

Hospice was scrambling to find a place for him in the event he lived, which would have been "simply breathing", not living. My dad was 79-years old, and had spent that day working, as usual, in his yard.

I find it incomprehensible to even imagine how you are able to bear up under the weight as the sole caretaker (though I know you want to), especially since you have spent a lifetime loving this man, your husband. What bitter irony that the best you can hope for is the peace and relief of letting him go. I wish I could give you more than the tears escaping me now. Your profound words have struck a chord with me. I am so very sorry. I am thinking of you and your loved one and hope for peace for both of you.


50 Caliber profile image

50 Caliber 4 years ago from Arizona

Pooh, my heart goes out to you and he, as time goes by the others leave and then there remains those of us who must stay. We are told that we need to hate our lives and take up the cross and walk, with our faith in God the yoke is promised to be easy and the burden light. I will pray for you and he, that some of the load you feel will be lightened by your faith and your prayer and that some of it be transferred to me. A man who didn't really know Christ helped him carry his cross to Calvary where Christs burdens were relieved. It was and remains a message that we at least attempt to help each other along the way to the place where in Salvation we will find rest. I will pray for you both, it is the time for faith that you are in the hands of God.

Much Peace,Love and Blessings,

dust


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 4 years ago from On the edge Author

MM, Kelly McB and Amy - the out pouring of support and caring here is such a gracious gift and one I receive with gratitude. I feel selfish and confused right now and needed to put my feelings into words and then have some one HEAR me. I don't feel like anyone in "real" life is hearing me right now or perhaps they are and just have no clue what to say in response. Thank you for hearing and not judging me.

Dusty - it is hard to leave me speechless but with your offer to carry part of the load along with me, you have managed. I love you brother and God must be so very pleased with you.


Huntgoddess profile image

Huntgoddess 4 years ago from Midwest U.S.A.

God bless you, dear. We have to see what God wants, right? Your situation is very stressful, though.


DeBorrah K. Ogans profile image

DeBorrah K. Ogans 4 years ago

Poohgranma, God Bless You! & God Bless You! Just wanted you to know that you are not forgotten. Your dedication and faithfulness is evident and so is your transparency... Life is interesting; We do not always understand why things are the way they are... But I know that you know that The Lord will never leave nor forsake you!

Thank you for sharing, In His Love & Grace, may His Peace abide with you as you go through and continue on this journey...

GOD BLESS YOU!


DeBorrah K. Ogans profile image

DeBorrah K. Ogans 4 years ago

"There is a time for EVERYTHING, and a SEASON for every ACTIVITY under Heaven...


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 4 years ago from On the edge Author

Huntgoddess and Deborrah K - Thanks to each of you for reminding me that the peace I seek is found in continued trust in our Lord and in feeling His presence as we travel along this new path and in this season.


Mother Nurture profile image

Mother Nurture 4 years ago from HubPages America - Southern California

Life is eternal, and love is immortal,

and death is only a horizon;

and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.

~Rossiter Worthington Raymond

My father went through a liver transplant four years ago and was in the hospital recovering for over three months. There was a point of about four weeks where he was not coherent and we didn't know if he was going to survive. I feel your pain and I will pray for you and your husband. He is tired and ready to move on, but he will never really die as long as he lives in your heart. May God watch over you now in your time of need.


kada94566 4 years ago

Granma, someone just sent my the following quote so I sent it on to you because you are a strong person.

" A strong person knows how to keep their life in order. Even with tears in their eyes they still manage to say I'm ok with a smile.

God is good and change is coming. God sees your sadness and hard times will be over.

Have faith, God will comfort the greaver.I would like to follow you and I will pray for both of you. Kay

Kada94566@gmail.com


SomewayOuttaHere profile image

SomewayOuttaHere 4 years ago from TheGreatGigInTheSky

Hey PG...it's been awhile...i'm listening....

big hug for you this morning...........


stars439 profile image

stars439 4 years ago from Louisiana, The Magnolia and Pelican State.

Dear Phoenix : I am so sorry you are going through so much, and I hope Gary will feel better. Please don't give up dear heart. Your children, and your many friends love you very much including us. I do not know why so many folks do not go out to visit one another anymore. In the old days there was no cable television , and absolutely no jobs. Everyone farmed, or had dairy farms, or worked the fields. There was no air conditioning, or no good heating accept for wood burning stoves. I remember times when folks had outdoor dinners, and cooked fried chicken, and aunts brought potato salad. There were long tables with food everywhere, but no one had much money. Still they had cows, wagons, and mules, and middle busters.

Sometimes the men folk sat on porches, and smoked pipe tobacco, and bad smelling cigars.

Sometimes the men folk drank cheap home made wine, and if they were lucky they might have had a shot or two of whisky to share with a buddy.

No body visits us accept Becky's grandma when she feels O.K. Don't know why. The older generations like my mother, and father understood the value of a good visit. So many younger folks either do not have the time, or maybe they got lucky , and found jobs. I start thinking about Joann, and Becky , or maybe baking a cake because I know Becky likes a piece of cake with a little ice cream.

God I hope Gary does not give up. Life is a fickled thing. You never know what tommorrow might bring, or what is around the corner that you might miss if your not here.

God, I wish I could just hold him in my arms, and maybe give him a long hug to tell him that it's all going to be alright. I know what it is like to face death, and it can make a man, or woman feel down in the dumps for having been so vulnerable.

Sometimes life just demands a little ice cream. I hope I have not said anything wrong. God Bless You and Gary. Your writing is always from the heart.


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 4 years ago from On the edge Author

Hi SOH - I know you're listening and I'm glad for it. Thank-you.

stars, my friend, you said nothing wrong at all. It's so funny you'd mention cake and ice cream. He's been craving yellow cake with chocolate frosting and vanilla ice cream for about five weeks now. I can't count how many I've baked.

I try to give him something to look forward to even if it's small.

We had our granddaughter this afternoon and she and I decorated the small tree and played and sang carols while we did that, then made sugar cookies and tried rolling out the dough and cutting out shapes. By the time they baked you couldn't tell a tree from a star and the reindeer looked something like elephants but we had lots of fun and they taste fantastic. I need to push myself to feel better so she can come over more often. We all enjoy it.


stars439 profile image

stars439 4 years ago from Louisiana, The Magnolia and Pelican State.

Dear Phoenix : Glad you , and Gary enjoyed the day with your grand daughter. Children always make us feel better. There is so much love around you. God Bless You Preciousheart, and Happy Holidays, and all the best to Gary.


Sharyn's Slant profile image

Sharyn's Slant 4 years ago from Northeast Ohio USA

Dear Pooh,

Such a touching, well written piece you have shared with us. It reminds me of a piece I recently wrote about "not everyone is merry this Christmas." You certainly have had your share of ups and downs. Please take care of yourself and do take time to spend more time with your granddaughter and family. Wishing you a calm and peaceful holiday season.

Sharyn


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 4 years ago from On the edge Author

Hell Sharyn - so good to "see" you. I read your hub and it is very tender and thought provoking. I am trying very hard to live "outside our circumstances" these days and have a little better attitude. At the time I wrote this, I felt as if I'd explode. It was as if we began the grieving process and then that was interrupted. It is just a very peculiar position to be in. A very Blessed Christmas to you and all whom you love!


QudsiaP1 profile image

QudsiaP1 4 years ago

Dearest pooh,

I want you to know that 'we' mere nicknames on your screen are always there to listen to everything you have to say, so feel free to express and express it all. No one will judge you and any one who tries obviously is either foolish or ignorant.

Writing is a powerful cure; it heals the worst of injuries. Though I have no cure for the anguished limbo you lie in; I pray for you to see happiness with Gary.

You are a wonderful person Sherry; you have seen your share of ups and downs and you know how it is but let me tell you darling; you are the strongest one I have ever seen.

You have rise above adversity countless times before; you are a phoenix; there is no fire that can burn you.

*hugs tightly.


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 4 years ago from On the edge Author

Nope, no burning, Phoenix will rise from the ashes ... but scorched none-the-less. Thank you and your sweet soul.


Eiddwen profile image

Eiddwen 4 years ago from Wales

I am so sorry for your pain and sadness, your pain showed so clearly.

Here's lots of love and hugs from Wales.

Take care

Eddy.


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 4 years ago from On the edge Author

Oh thank you so much, Eiddwen. It's mostly frustration being let out so I don't let it fester inside of me.


Ruchira profile image

Ruchira 4 years ago from United States

Hi Pooh,

There is so much love yet pain. I am sorry that you had to go through so much. My mom went through the same kind of pain when she was tending to the pains of my cancer struck father who ultimately lost his battle to it.

Wishing you peace and sending you good vibes!


nityanandagaurang profile image

nityanandagaurang 4 years ago

Every word of poem is calling loud of your condition.It is so simple yet very touchy.Beautiful and Voting it up .


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 4 years ago from On the edge Author

Thank-you so much Ruchira and nityanandagaurang for reading and for your kind comments and support.

I'm sorry it took me so long to see your comment Ruchira. I wasn't getting notices for a while and then I get busy for a while. I'm very sorry for the loss of your father.


Shyron E Shenko profile image

Shyron E Shenko 24 months ago

How you express things is so amazing to me.

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