Late Night with Donald Trump: A Parody
Show me someone without an ego, and I'll show you a loser..." ~ Donald J Trump, Facebook
Trump/Palin show opener
The lights are dimmed over the audience. The stage lights up, ready for the show to begin. The band begins the Late Night With Donald Trump opening song - Stand By Your Man, jazz style. Stage right is Sarah Palin. Arms stretched toward center stage she announces,
"Ladies and gentlemen, heeeeeeere's Donnie."
(Crowd goes wild, cheering, woot wooting, then chanting Trump! Trump! Trump!)
Donald parts the curtains and steps gingerly onto the stage in his expensive blue suit and elegant blue silk tie. His bizarre, combover-coiffed hairdo appears to be recently trimmed (however it doesn't help). He bows, then holds up his hand high over head.
Trump: Thank you. Thank you. Oh, thank you. You are too kind, thank you.
(Crowd calms down)
Trump: Thanks again for that wonderful worship. And hey, what do you think of our band? I pay them a lot of money, you know, because I'm a generous guy, okay? Give it up for the Trump Jazz Band.
(Band plays a few bars of We Are the Champions and crowd gives hardy applause)
Trump: (Looking over at Palin) Sarah, my love, how are you doing this evening?
Palin: Hi Donald, I am fabulous, I am rogue, I am woman, I am Alaska.
Trump: That's right, Darling, you are a rogue.
Palin: Well, Donald, takes one to know one, right babe?
Trump: You bet. You are smokin' in that red get-up tonight. What do you think, audience?
(Audience cheers and whistles)
Palin: Aw, Donald, you are too kind.
Trump: You know Sarah, years ago I thought you were ugly, I mean really ugly.
(The auditorium is dead silent. Palin scowls)
Trump: But then we met, and you were so supportive of my greatness and encouraged me to stand firm. Suddenly I realized how beautiful you were. Any woman who thinks I'm great is beautiful. Now let me just ask the ladies in the audience, do you think I'm great?
(A few polite woot woots)
Trump: Oh come on now, ladies, my feelings are hurt. But you're here and you will know my greatness by show's end.
Palin: You know ladies, Donald is great, and I think you need to give credit where credit is due. Now Donald, we had pizza together once, remember?
Trump: Yes, New York, right? The liberal media slammed me for eating pizza with a fork. But you know folks, eating pizza with a fork only shows I have class, okay? You don't see the other candidtates eating pizza with a fork, do you?
Trump: No, of course not, because they have no class, okay? And you know for damn sure Hillary doesn't. I mean come on, Hillary is a criminal. Criminals don't have good manners. Sarah, wouldn't you agree?
Palin: Donald, you are right. Clinton's don't have manners, and Hillary is no lady. But I think the republican candidates are fine men and I am honored to know each one.
Trump: Okay, I don't agree, but you see my greatness because you're endorsing me, so I'll let you get by with that. Time for a commercial break, and when we return I'll do my opening monologue.
(Band plays You Are So Beatiful. The program goes to commercial)
I'm famous, okay?
(Camera returns to band who play Welcome to the Jungle. Donald appears and the audience cheers).
Trump: Thank you. Today I went to my Hollywood star on the walk of fame and watched the public pushing and shoving to see it. Hey, I'm famous, okay? You don't see the other candidates with a Hollywood star; that's because they've done nothing great. I mean, Carson's just an okay doctor, Rubio's a snot-nosed brat. And Cruz - buzzer sounds folks, career politician. Gag me. And who needs another Bush in the White House? The Bush's are terrible, no class. This is why I'm at the top of the polls, okay?
I was watching Chris Matthews last night, and he said I'm visceral. I didn't like his tone. Sarah, darling, what does visceral mean?
Palin: (Blushing) Um, I believe Mr. Matthews' meaning was that you're passionate, but not too bright.
Trump: (Shrugs his shoulders with sheepish expression). Now, those are fighting words, but I'm a gentleman, okay? That's why everyone likes me. And get a load of this, Geraldo Rivera said I'm a buffoon. The nerve.
He's the guy who opened Jimmy Hoffa's vault on national television, and guess what? No Hoffa. Rivera, I think you're the buffoon?
Okay, we need to break for another commercial. You can clap for me now.
(Polite applause. Band plays We Won't Get Fooled Again)
Campaign theme song challenge for Donald Trump
(Camera is on band who play Light My Fire. Donald returns)
Trump: Tonight we're going to have a Donald Trump campaign theme song competition. I'm already an American idol, all I need is a campaign song. So, I asked famous songwriters and artists to submit hit songs that fit me. I have to tell you, they were all fantastic, And let's face it, folks, I am muy fantástico. That's why I am at the top of the polls. Can I get a round of applause?
(The crowd is on their feet shouting Trump, Trump, Trump)
Thank you, thank you very much. I coined that phrase, by the way. Some people say it was Elvis. Not true, folks. Elvis stole it from me. Besides, Elvis has left the building, so what's he going to do, sue me?
(Donald smiles and gives two thumbs up. The audience goes wild again)
Now, here is the line up of the songs and the artists and I am going to ask the audience and television viewers to vote when we're done. Okay, let's get started.
Ego - Elton John
(Looking at his list)
Okay, the first song is Ego, by Elton John. Now Elton is a very close personal friend of mine, a really close personal friend. He's very famous, but I am more famous. Now, the band is going to play a stanza from the song, and Sarah is going to sing. Hit it babe:
(Sarah grabs the mic and struts across the stage)
Take a look at me now and take a look at my billing
I'm not in it as an extra, I'm in it for the killing
Inflate my ego gently
Tell them Heaven sent me
(Audience goes wild, standing to their feet. Donald smiles boastfully, and raises his hands high over head)
That's right ladies and gentlemen, I am heaven sent. Anybody with half a brain would know that. Did you hear that Ben Carson? Even your patients know I am heaven sent.
(Audience goes wild, standing to their feet, cheering)
Lord, It's Hard To Be Humble
Lord, It's Hard to be Humble
This next song is fantastic. Lord, It's Hard to Be Humble, by Mac Davis. Now Mac Davis is a has-been. I never liked him, but he was kind enough to send in this song. His career will probably be resurrected now because I am show-casing his song. I'm a generous man, okay? That's why people like me. Now, let's hear it band, Sarah.
Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
when you're perfect in every way.
I can't wait to look in the mirror
cause I get better looking each day.
To know me is to love me
I must be a hell of a man.
Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
but I'm doing the best that I can.
Trump: Ah, that's me, "perfect in every way."
(Crowd goes wild, chanting Don-ald, Don-ald, Don-ald)
Thank you. Now Mac, you got one thing wrong, pal. I'm not trying to be humble. I always say 'show me a man without an ego and I'll show you a loser.' Thank you Mac Davis, but you'll have to go back to being a has-been, but I'll see that you get compensation. I'm a very generous, that's why people love me.
If You're So Smart, How Come You Ain't Rich
How Come You Ain't Rich?
Okay, this next song title is perfect. "If You're so Smart, How Come You Ain't Rich."
(Wild cheering from the audience)
This was sung by a Louis Jordan. I have no idea who Louis Jordan was, but this song is just fantastic. Now listen people, money is what I have going for me that none of the other candidates, republican or democrat, has - money, and lots of it. I'd like to dedicate this song to all my unworthy opponents. Take it away Sarah:
You' braggin all about the things you can do
Every time you make a pitch
If you're so smart,
How come you ain't rich?
You claim to have picked every horse that won
'Cause you know just which is which
Yes, if you're so smart,
Tell me, how come you ain't rich?
(Audience goes wild, standing to their feet, chanting Mo-ney, Mo-ney, Mo-ney)
You're So Vain
Now folks, this next song is You're So Vain, by Carly Simon. Now there's been lots of speculation over the years as to who she was singing about. I just want you to know, this song is about me, okay? Because Carly Simon is a very close personal friend of mine, if you get my drift. Band, Sarah, play the chorus.
You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain,
I'll bet you think this song is about you
(Donald is looking cocky and primps as the chorus is sung. The audience sings along, then applauds)
A Mighty King
Okay folks, the last song is, I Can't Wait to Be King, from the Disney movie, Lion King. Disney was a close personal friend of mine. I made him who he was - I gave him lots of money, because I am a generous businessman. Band, play on:
I'm gonna be a mighty king
So enemies beware
Well, I've never seen a king of beasts
With quite so little hair
(Donald smiles sheepishly and pats his controversial hair)
I'm gonna be the mane event
Like no king was before
I'm brushing up on looking down
I'm working on my roar
(Donald puts out his claws and opens his mouth as though he's roaring. The crowd goes wild)
Okay, okay. Thank you band. Now folks, that is the line-up of songs to choose from. I want everyone in the audience and the folks at home to cast their votes. While you are doing that we'll break for a commercial.
(The band plays a few bars of King of the Road, then there is a commercial break)
Campaign theme song challenge results
(Show returns to band playing Under My Thumb by the Rolling Stones)
Palin: (once again points to the Donald) Heeeeere's Donnie.
(The crowd is on their feet and Donald gobbles up the praise)
Trump: Okay now, Sarah, do you have the results there with you?
Palin: Donald, yes I do. Drum roll, band.
(Drum roll by the band. Palin opens the envelope and stares with a frozen smile)
Palin: Donald, dear, I am afraid I don't understand. The page is blank.
Trump: Well, Sarah, I decided to override the contest results - you know, like Obama does with congress, right?
(Donald looks at the audience, eye brows raised and laughing. The crowd cheers)
I decided to write my own song, because who can write a better song about me, than me? Sarah's going to sing a song while I get dressed to perform my song. It's going to be fantastic!
(The band plays while Sarah grabs the mic and belts out Stand By Your Man. The audience cheers and sings along. Donald returns donned in a purple Elvis-style jumpsuit. The crowd is screaming. The band begins to play and Trump sings...)
It's All About Me
(To the tune of I Gotta Be Me by Sammy Davis Jr.)
I'm always right, I'm never wrong Though you think my hair ain't real, I'm adored by the throng. It's all about me, It's all about me; Who else can I be but who I am.
I am so great, I'm top of the polls, And I won't give up this dream, this life, of having arrived. It's all about me, It's all about me; The dream that I am, gives the world a chance.
The supreme prize, 'cause I'm a success You only need me, 'cause I'm filthy rich. Just give me a crown, 'and make me the king. As long as I'm at the helm, you will have it all.
I've done it alone, so let me be; I am better than everyone else. It's all about me, It's all about me; Daring to try, I've made it fly It's all about meee.
The auditorium is full of ear-splitting shouts and applause. Donald gyrates his hips, snarls, and whips his hair back. The cops come and tell them the show is over because of Trumps vulgarity. They take him by either arm to escort him away.
Trump: Hold it guys, let me say goodnight to the audience. I love you guys, okay? Thank you for watching me instead of that punk Jimmy Fallon. Thank you Sarah and The Trump Jazz Band. Thank you all, and goodnight.
© 2016 Lori Colbo. All rights reserved.
Ego. Writer(s) Bernie Taupin , Elton John. Lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group MetroLyrics
I Just Can't Wait to Be King. Writer(s): Elton John, Tim Rice
Copyright: Wonderland Music Company Inc.
If You're So Smart, How Come You Ain't Rich. Writer(s) William Freidman, Fred Norman & Walter Bishop. © Hollybrook Music Co.
Lord, It's Hard to Be Humble. Writer(s) Mac Davis © BMG Rights Management US, LLC . MetroLyrics
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