My Life: A Short Blurb of Reflection
Sometimes I sit and wonder what things would be like if I never said a word. If I never opened my mouth and made that giant leap into what is the truth. And in retrospect, I know that what I did was the best decision for me. I was harboring so much that it was weighing me down. Like heavy lead anchor thrown into the depths of the ocean. I do not regret my decisions. I don’t regret any of my decisions. How can I? What’s done is done and it cannot be replaced. I may have stumbled and fell in the process, lost someone dear to me, maybe a few dear to me. But in the end, I know that everything happens for a reason.
The old saying “one door opens when another one closes.” I find to hold true. Everything in my life, good bad or indifferent, has shaped me into the person I want to be. It has changed the course of things that were not meant to happen, leading to opportunities and growth. I know that people say, some words are better left unspoken. I, however, don’t believe that’s true. As long as you’re honest first, that’s all that matters. But in the same token, I know what to say and what not to say now. What’s right for me isn’t necessarily what other people may deem as acceptable. So lesson learned? As long as I’m honest with myself, that’s the only thing that truly matters. I don’t have to say a word to anyone about anything.
Words and actions are a fickle thing. Once they’ve been said or done, there’s no turning back. No erase button, no magic wand, nothing. I may not regret the things I’ve said and done, but I damn sure learned that the repercussions of those said words and actions can hurt more than any physical harm that could be dealt. At least with bruises they fade, lingering only for a short while. But scars of the heart last forever.
Learn to forgive yourself, first and foremost. That’s the toughest thing I have ever had to learn. It is still a growing process for me. I can forgive just about anyone for just about anything. Anyone that is, except for myself. Seeing as how I’m a people pleaser, and I always want to make the “right” decision, how can I do anything but disappoint someone else? How can I sit there and have expectations for anything other than failure if I look to appease everyone? The answer is, I can’t. I can’t base my decisions and actions off of what other people see as “right”. What does that word mean anyway? And who are you to say if my actions are right or wrong? They may not have been what you wanted me to do but in that frame of time, when I was in that frame of mind and in that scenario, it was “right” for me. And for that I am sorry.
I’m sorry that you don’t understand me the way you thought, I’m sorry that I disappointed you, and I’m sorry that I haven’t turned out to be the person you thought I would be…. actually, on second thought.....no, I’m not. As long as I’m not hurting anyone or doing anything unjust, why should it matter?
I am who I am, and I refuse to apologize to anyone for it. Take me or leave me, the choice is yours. I’m done trying to please everyone. Nevertheless, the only person who really has to love me is me.