Little Red Riding Hoodie
Little Red Riding Hoodie skipped through the city jungle where broken lampposts hung at an angle. She kept the hooded top of her red fleece pulled up helping her ignore the abandoned cars, the rutted pavement and gutters blocked with litter thick like leaves from a tree in autumn. She was off to see her Granny carrying a Tesco bag of goodies on her arm because Granny couldn’t get to the supermarket because of her legs.
Wolfie, a member of the mugger ilk, watched Little Red approach from the darkened entrance of his alley lair. She was young and small, smaller than him at least, which was a major requirement for such as he. The second requirement was that the victim carried a bag that could easily be snatched. There should be goodies in the bag and maybe even Granny’s purse.
Wolfie waited until she was close then leapt out with a growl expecting her to scream and drop her bag before running away, but Little Red looked out from the hood covering her head with no sign of fear.
‘Well well little girlie, what have you there in that bag?’
‘It’s shopping for my Granny,’ she replied defiantly. ‘And not for the likes of you.’
‘Oh yeh,’ said Wolfie. ‘If I want it, how are you going to stop me taking it?’
‘Just try it you thicko and we’ll see who will win.’
‘You cheeky little bugger!’ Wolfie advanced with a snarl.
Little Red took a step back then with her arm at full stretch swung the bag in her hand at Wolfie’s long snotty nose. The bag didn’t do much, but the large tin of pineapple chunks inside was altogether harder than Wolfie’s nose. With a thud and a crunch it bent it to one side as Wolfie yelped in surprise. Little Red followed with a knee to the groin making Wolfie’s eyes water near as much as his nose bled.
Little Red stepped back shouting ‘Yeh!’ in celebration. ‘Wolfie zero, Little Red 1!’
Wolfie wasn’t going to take this lying down, though he had too until the pain eased a little. He knew Little Red was going to Granny’s because she’d told him so. This meant she’d have to cut through Dark Dank Lane and he knew a shortcut that would get him there before she arrived.
Little Red continued on her way, past the hooting alarm of the Jewellery shop with the cracked window, dodging speeding horn tooting drivers as she crossed the road and finally into Dark Dank Lane ignoring the sign calling it River View Road. High factory walls on both sides ensured there was no view and the regularly overflowing river made it damp and dank.
Wolfie watched Little Red coming. This time he wouldn’t give her a chance to swing that damn bag and leapt out grabbing its handle.
‘Ha ha! I’ve got it now.’
But Little Red held tight glaring from under her red hood.
‘Let go you silly twerp!’ snarled Wolfie.
‘That’s my Granny’s shopping and you’re not having it.’
‘Oh yeh. And how’re you gonna stop me taking it this time little girl?’
Little Red pulled her other hand out of the pocket in her red hooded top and pointed a little shiny bottle at Wolfie’s face. She pressed the button on top and a sticky smelly liquid sprayed into Wolfie’s eyes and all over his face.
‘Ow that stings and what is that revolting smell,’ he let go of the bag trying to rub his eyes clear.
‘It’s Granny’s perfume,’ Little Red laughed at his demise. ‘It smells real bad and stings the eyes, but still smells better than you, you stupid yob.’
‘Oh my eyes, my eyes,’ Wolfie continued to rub knowing she was right about it smelling bad and stinging like hell.
‘Water will help,’ said Little Red feigning to be kind. ‘And I know just how to make your eyes water.’ So she kneed him again, where she had before. Then she stepped back cheering again.
‘Oh yeh! Wolfie zero. Little Red 2!’
Wolfie had to admit that his watering eyes did lessen the sting, but he still smelled horrible and the pain between his legs made waddle as he ran all the way to granny’s house. Wolfie wanted his revenge and to get that he needed to get there before Little Red arrived.
He broke a back window, climbed in and pushed the old woman in the cupboard locking the door. He’d deal with her later to cover his tracks, but Little Red would be the first to receive a few good hard smacks.
He climbed into Granny’s bed putting on her nightie and bonnet as a disguise and was just in time as Little Red arrived.
‘Hi Granny, it’s me,’ she called running up stairs.
‘Ah there you are my dear,’ said Wolfie pretending to be Granny.
‘Hmmm,’ thought Little Red thinking it strange, that Granny could hear what she’d said when Granny’s hearing aid lay on the floor by the bed. Her glasses were on the table and without them she couldn’t see. To add more to her suspicion, Little Red saw Granny’s teeth in the glass by the bed, yet the face smiling from under Granny’s bonnet had teeth in its head.
‘I’ll just go make you a nice cup of tea as I always do,’ said Little Red dodging back out of the room.
‘Damn,’ cursed Wolfie knowing he’d have to play along, but a cup of tea might be nice after all he’d been through.
Little Red boiled the kettle while plotting her scheme, then added a big cream bun to a plate on the tray.
‘Here you are Granny,’ she said once back at the top of the stairs. ‘A nice cup of tea and a big cream bun just as you like.’
‘Come here my dear and let me give you a hug,’ said Wolfie trying hard not to snarl.
‘Drink your tea and eat your bun first,’ said Little Red making sure to stand clear as she held out the tray.
Wolfie took the cup and gulped it half down, then picked up the bun and took a huge bite.
‘Oh what big teeth you have,’ said Little Red. ‘Which is quite strange because Granny’s teeth are in that glass on the table beside the bed.’
Wolfie, knowing he’d been caught out, roared and leapt up to attack, or at least he would but the glue filling the bun had set firm in his mouth. There was also a rumbling and a gurgling from below. His tummy was swelling as if about to blow.
‘Poor Granny suffers terribly from constipation,’ Little Red said. ‘Her medicine is really strong and I put three doses in your tea.
The approaching sirens drowned his groan of reply; Little Red thought she should call. The police found Wolfie convulsing in pain, but still dragged him away while Little Red set Granny free and made a fresh pot of tea.
‘What an adventure,’ said granny as Little Red watched the police van drive away. Then the van stopped and two policemen leapt out each holding their nose, to a sound like a volcano blowing its load. Inside the van Wolfie couldn’t stop farting and blowing his load.
‘Oh yeh!’ shouted Little Red. ‘Wolfie zero. Little Red 3!’
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