Psycho Puss!

When my Sister recently asked me to look after her cat whilst she went on holiday my heart sank. Don't misunderstand me, I love animals, all animals, cats included. Hell, I have three of my own plus half the neighbourhood cats that sneak into my home (ninja style) in order to get free meals and a bed for the night. The difference in this case is that my Sister's cat is mentally unhinged, a total psycho-cat and schizophrenic-puss, that absolutely hates women with a vengeance.

I made the mistake of agreeing to this once before, and promptly experienced two weeks (felt like ten), of being hissed at, scratched, breaking up fights between this moggy and my existing mild mannered cats, as well as having the delightful job of cleaning up the skid marks this cat kindly left in protest on the bed linen in the spare room, (where she lurked most often). To add insult to injury this cat just happens to be a cat flu carrier, so spends most of her time sneezing and spraying snot all over the walls and carpets, so much so that even my Sister calls her "Spot the Snot", (her name is Spot, the cat.... not my Sister).

I am fairly certain that if my cats could talk they would simply have referred to her as "The mad cat that lives in the attic". She made no attempt to get used to them or befriend them, and the only signs of affection she occasionally showed were totally aimed at my Husband and even the male neighbour who popped round to try to fix our computer. During these times she behaved like a total tart, purring, rolling around on her back with her legs spread and generally going as gooey as you could possibly imagine.

By now you have probably gathered we looked after this cat in our home rather than my Sister's. Unfortunately this was the only practical option, as well as the fact this cat can't be placed in a cattery because she is a cat flu carrier. Luckily my cats are fully vaccinated, so not at risk, (well, only from her claws and teeth anyway).

To look at her you wouldn't imagine her to be violent or crazy. She is white with black patches on her, shaped like a marrow and has an extraordinarily small head for a cat, (possibly because she is partly an ex-feral, I say 'partly ' because in so many ways she is still pretty feral towards me!!)

Well, you can only begin to imagine the sinking feeling I got when having reluctantly agreed we would look after this lunatic pussy for a second time, I realised my Husband (whom she adores), was scheduled to be away in London the week she was staying. To make matters worse my Sister gleefully informed me that the cat was suffering from a bad case of conjunctivitis as a result of her cat flu, and would need drops applying to her eye twice a day, so I might want to invest in life insurance.

Made mental note "Do NOT even consider trying to put drops in cat's eye, she will be okay without".

'Spot the Snot' in Action

'Spot the Snot' duly arrived on her designated day, gave me a disdainful look in much the same way as royalty might do if a cleaner entered their regal presence, and settled down under our spare bed hissing at anyone who tried to talk to her or coax her out. 'Sod this' I thought, and promptly headed for the pub.

Hubby headed off to the airport early the next morning leaving me with the fruit loop creature in the attic to feed, the only cat I have ever met that will let you stroke her for twenty seconds and purr, before suddenly turning round, hissing at you and trying to bite and/or scratch you, (personally I reckon it is a trick to lure you within range of her weaponry).

By Tuesday I was getting stressed, (and she only arrived on Sunday evening). The nutter creature even growled at me when I hung my washing up on the clothes airer in "her room" for God's sake. Offering her hand-prepared dishes of food and clean litter trays met with an equal lack of gratitude. She had already had a major scrap with one of my cats (which probably woke the neighbourhood), and in general I reckon my cats were like "WTF did you invite her back again?"

As for the eye drops, no chance, her eye might have been looking a bit scummy, but I was not risking life and limb simply to clean it up with damp tissue and then try to put in eye drops, well not without a full set of body armour and some physical back up anyway. If things looked too bad in the eye department I would call in reinforcements, (preferably in male form as this would probably be the safest method for all concerned).

At point of writing this hub I have survived single-handed until the early hours of Wednesday morning. Assuming I survive until the evening I shall update this day by day until she leaves. if you hear no more from me she probably snuck into my room in the night and sat on my face until I suffocated, or alternatively left me with so many lacerations that I bled to death. 

Wish me Luck.

Wednesday

Well, still here to tell the tale..... just. A couple of wounds to show for it though, including one right in the palm of my hand from those "claws that don't really do any damage" (thanks for that reassurance Hayley). What is worse is the wound was inflicted when I was simply trying to make a fuss of her, how ungrateful is that!!!

I am now hoping she quickly plucks up the courage to come downstairs and venture outdoors for some exercise, who knows, she might even get lost and not return!

Psycho-Puss strikes again, (literally)!

Thursday

Hooray, today she crept down the stairs and ran out of the back door, (having first kindly vomited up a cat food encrusted hair ball on the duvet in the top room so that I could have the pleasure of cleaning it up). I last saw her heading towards the fields looking like she was on a mission. With a bit of luck this will keep her out of the way for a few hours at least, and meanwhile I can nurse my wounds and count the hours until Richard gets back home tomorrow. At least then he can largely take over looney tunes cat care as she seems to love Richard to pieces.

Update: the creature has returned and dashed straight up the attic where she is no doubt hatching some evil plot to take over the world and annihilate all female humans and other cats.

Friday

Richard finally returned today and screwball cat is happy as can be. All purrs when he is petting her, that is until she claps eyes on me, (see video right to watch this in action). Crikey, she even lets him pick her up and carry her around on her back!!!!! I can't even touch her or put my hand out without risking life and limb.

Anyway, we are out tonight and she has now decided to go off on one of her jaunts off across the fields, probably in order to set up 'base command' for her planned world domination bid.

Saturday

Poor Richard. I felt quite sorry for him as he had to wait up until 02.00am for the nutter to return. When she did, she strolled upstairs without a backward glance in his direction. It wouldn't be so bad if we had a cat flap, but we don't, so someone had to stay up with the back door wide open so that she could get back into the house. Anyway, Halyey is back on Monday so things should return to normality, and my cats can chill out again.

Today has been really sunny, so most of the day the psychopath cat has been outside sunbathing by my vegetable plants. The neighbour's five year old daughter made me laugh when she came over and said "I stroked the mad cat and guess what, she didn't bite me, scratch me, or anything". Apparently even the children around here know she is mad after what I have been telling them.

Psycho-cat lies in wait for me.
Psycho-cat lies in wait for me.

Sunday

One more day to survive and it goes home. No sign yet of any feline takeover bid and I haven't received any further wounds, mainly due to the fact cracker-cat has largely been outside revelling in the sunshine.

My neighbour did ask me today if I knew where the 'strange shaped, big fat white cat with black spots had come from', largely because she caught it fighting with her cat on the front lawn and had never seen it before. I confessed it was my Sister's cat, but reassured her that it was harmless really and hadn't killed any other cats..... yet! She seemed happy enough with this, especially when I told her the cat would be going home on Monday when my Sister returned. Just need to keep my fingers crossed now that we all survive that long.

Monday

Disaster , got a text message from my Sister to say they had gone to the wrong ferry port by mistake so we would have to keep the cat another night until they could get on a different ferry tomorrow. Just when I thought we were safe in our own home again! Nipped out, bought some more cat food for her ladyship and then aimed Richard in the direction of the top room so that he could break the news to her that she was stuck with us for another night. Surprisingly she seemed to take it rather well, I am guessing because she knew she would get another day to spend basking in the sunshine, swiping at me with claws and teeth, getting petted by Richard and of course finalising her plans to eradicate the female human population and begin a cloning program of her favourite male humans instead, (a scary thought to live in a world full of clones of Richard).

Tuesday

After a brief session in the sunshine this afternoon, puss-pot decided she needed a sleep upstairs. I checked the stairs carefully for trip wires before making certain she was safely barricaded in the attic ready for collection.

Hayley and her friend Ian came to collect deranged cat this afternoon, apparently using some 'special technique' to get her into her cat carrier without leaving either of them requiring stitches and a blood transfusion afterwards.

All we can do now is wait, and hope that any plans she has hatched fail, and that we can remain safe from her distorted ideas for a perfect world full of men and cat-flu carrying female psycho-moggies.

Not sure who looks more evil here, Psychocat or Richard!

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Comments 27 comments

Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis

Ha, ha! That is truly a psycho cat! We should hook her and my evil cat up...they would get along famously and could plot their takeover together. I loved the videos (especially your voice and accent- which made me all goose bumpy!) Fun hub!


spryte profile image

spryte 6 years ago from Arizona, USA

Funny I should wake up this morning and find you've posted this article since last night I was mulling over a feline story titled, "How to tell if your cat is insane." :)

It was a good thing she isolated herself as conjunctivitis is HIGHLY contagious. Keep an eye (so to speak) on your own to make sure she didn't leave any lovely parting gifts. Ha!

"Spot the Snot"...LOL! That had me giggling as I have an old cat that does the same thing, but he doesn't have a name that rhymes with any nasal goo unfortunately.

I'll volunteer my newest acquisition to the crazy cat clan, his name is Boo and I think he's bipolar.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Hi Christoph, sadly I suspect your cat might not last too long around this feline, she didn't bond with mine at all. All the same, maybe this is not a bad thing as between them who knows what they could achieve!!! Glad you 'enjoyed' my accent LOL.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Hi Spryte, yes, fortunately she did isolate herself from the other cats, and from society in general, and so far my cats all look fine, I would go so far as to say relieved actually.

Really hope you do write that article about how to tell if your cat is insane. You could use Spot as an example. I am reckoning that between Christoph's, yours and my Sister's cat we would have a number of contenders for being branded as "insane".


jandee profile image

jandee 6 years ago from Liverpool.U.K

Is your accent Guensey ?-sounds a bit Jersey ! anyway makes me homesick for Jersey .

It was hilarious !! well told.

we are dog people but years ago in Jersey we aquired a cat and she didn't like me yet how she liked my husband

she would point her tail in the air and sort of reverse walk towards him!thanks jandee


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Hi Jandee, good question as I am not too sure where my accent comes from. My Mum is from Bolton in England, my Dad was from the Chelsea area of England, I was born and grew up on Guernsey, but have spent a lot of time in both the UK and Tenerife. I guess I might be a combination of accents all lumped into one new accent. A kind of "accent mongrel" LOL

I too am a dog person, but we can't have dogs where we rent, although they do turn a blind eye to cats, and don't seem to mind if we dog-sit other people's dogs for a week or two here and there.

It seems that it is female moggies that prefer men from both yours and my experiences then LOL


jandee profile image

jandee 6 years ago from Liverpool.U.K

Same as my 3 all brought up in jersey ,me from manchester and husband from Liverpool,thanks for reply! wow it's 1.24,jandee


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

LOL, it is 04.50am and I am replying to you, so no worries about you being up too late :)


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

PS. My Grandmother was from Morton, and so loved Liverpool, supported their football team, the Beatles, the Spinners, Jimmy Tarbuck...in fact anyone with any connection to Liverpool.

My Step-Father used to be Chief Fire Officer in Liverpool many years ago before he came to Guernsey and got a promotion to Fire Chief. He adores Liverpool, supports them as his football team and gets a huge amount of pleasure from looking at old black and white pictures of Liverpool in the era he recalls best.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Christoph, PS, so delighted to see my favourite profile picture for you in the cool cowboy hat back in place again. The best profile image for anyone ever I reckon.


Suiiki profile image

Suiiki 6 years ago from City of the Newly Wed and Nearly Dead

Amy and I have recently acquired a cat, he is a crazy little thing, the girl who gave him to us said he prefers women, but apparently only certain types of women, as the cat seems to like me only when I have a food bowl or a bag of treats in my hand (And occasionally when I have a brush in my hand.) But the cat (Whose name is Cabbit, by the way) just cuddles up to Amy, curls up against her at night and crawls all over her meowing and purring. I've nicknamed him Sir Cabbit Fluffybum McTroublemaker III.

Cabbit also occasionally does that thing where he randomly twists around and bites you when you're petting him. I actually had him up on my lap the other day (He hates it when I get the laptop in front of me and ignore him, I guess he feels that if I am going to have something in my lap, it better be him!) I was petting him and he was purring, and the next thing I knew, I had Cabbit's teeth clamped on my hand. Although I suspect Cabbit will settle down in another week or so (His previous owner raised him from a kitten, and now he's 4 years old, and she had to move and couldn't take him with her. So obviously, Cabbit isn't too happy with the arrangment!)


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Hi Suiiki, well he does sound a bit more sane than Spot I have to say, at least you can get near him if you make him jealous, plus he is new to your home. I do hope he settles down soon and learns to trust you, (I am sure he will).


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon

Now that's a cat story! Good heavens - as much as I love animals, I'm afraid something mysterious would be happening to psycho-cat. So glad you survived and she is back where she belongs? Maybe a little trip to malamute-land might be a good vacation spot!


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 6 years ago from Upstate New York

What a cat!!! She takes no prisoners!! I enjoyed your writing style so much. LMAO! (though, to you, it probably wasn't so funny!)


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Hi Akirchner and Paradise, thanks so much for the comments, much to my dismay I have just remembered that my Sister is away again for a fortnight from September the 10th, which means Psychocat is going to be staying again, and not too far away until the date she arrives. Better get myself kitted out with the body armour, and get my cats a bunker built to hide in!!


epigramman profile image

epigramman 6 years ago

hot damn - this is the funniest thing I've ever read - but maybe not so funny for you because it's true!

Well me have two cats Mister Gabriel and Little Miss Tiffy who just happen to be my two best friends - and me loves them both very much - well just like me love your hubs - because they're so hubdelicious - so says ME!!!!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks epigramman, I am delighted this made you chuckle.


Karen N profile image

Karen N 6 years ago from United States

You sure have a lot of patience!

My yellow tabby Lucy who was feral is a little like Spot but not nearly to that extreme.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Hi Karen, I guess having worked in a vets I have had to learn to be patient with these kinds of nutty cats :)


JillKostow profile image

JillKostow 6 years ago from Pennsylvania

Atleast I'm not the only one with a crazy cat!!!

Reading this had me in tears. Maybe he is in on the cat's plot to take over the world??


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

LOL Jill, I think they are forming into factions around the world as we speak :)


mythbuster profile image

mythbuster 6 years ago from Utopia, Oz, You Decide

mistryhorizon2003 - loved the video, along with your day by day announcements. I was worried about what would follow as soon as I read the "Monday

Disaster , got a text message from my Sister" part lol

I laughed over your writing style but cringed at your tales all at the same time... I'm glad your sis finally got back to pick up Snot! I mean, Spot The Snot.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Hi Mythbuster, yes, thankfully Spot the Snot is home again, for now at least. Still all over any male like a rash, and still plotting annihilation of all women on the planet no doubt.


tom hellert profile image

tom hellert 6 years ago from home

My sister in laws cat is like that totally nuts he only does not bite my sisterinlaw my wife and I amusually ok-

But ANYONE ELSE had better take warning-

I didn't know you were Brittish.. heard the vids and said how bout that- ya never know now do ya-

you have 3 cats huh I have 2 boys and 2 boy cats not sure which two fight more the cats or kids- gresat hub good luck with the cat when you have to watchem...

TH


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Hi Tom, yes I am British, although I live on the island of Guernsey which is part of the British Isles, but not ruled by the British Government, a little complicated as we essentially share the same Queen (we are a Crown Dependency) but have our own laws.

Luckily for us we only have the 3 cats, no children together although this is not by choice as I simply cannot have them (have hubbed on this subject).Cats are great though and very loving, wouldn't be without them.

Cheers for commenting and I am glad you enjoyed this hub.


rickzimmerman profile image

rickzimmerman 5 years ago from Northeast Ohio

MH: Great profile of a crazy cat (we have several of our own). I am also celebrating reaching my 500th Hub with a special holiday greeting to my followers! May this Festive Season bring you Warmth, Friendship and Happiness, no matter when or how or with whom you celebrate! To add to your holiday merriment, I offer all of my hubs devoted to this time of year: All About Santa; The Polar Bear; Kris Kringle, the College Years; An Alphabetical Christmas; All About the North Pole; Enjoy Reindeer; and, of course, Little-Known Santas No. 1 through No. 17! Enjoy!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 5 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks rick, I shall give them a read for sure :)

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