He abused me in front of the children

Source

The Cycle Ends Here

I probably shouldn't even publish this hub. My husband, who I am legally separated from but living with, will probably snoop into my computer somehow and read this. He's done it before. I'm getting tired. I don't care anymore. But then again, I HAVE to care because he has ensured over our 12 years of marriage, that I care ONLY about him and what HE wants.

And let's get one thing straight right off the bat......I do NOT expect pity out of this hub. What I'm really aiming for is to get this off of my chest and make 100% sure that I am moving in the right direction. Maybe those of you that have been in this situation can give some helpful advice. Even just a positive word helps tremendously. When you have NO source of optimism in your life, it's a long, lonely, dark road.....

The Evolution of Courage

In the beginning, your charm shone through

You were a sweet and helpful soul

I was hesitant to love anyone at all

But decided to play the role


Soon after the first date

Your true colors started to show

You loved yourself and no one else

Over time, my weaknesses would grow


But I believed you when you told me

That you were just having a little fun

I second-guessed myself again

Girl, it's only just begun


You said all the right things to me

What you wanted out of life

I couldn't believe the similarities

So I offered to be your wife


Little did I know back then

My happiness would end

The minute we left our own wedding

The mental torture began


Pregnant with our first child

You put your hands on me

I'll never forget how I felt just then

Drowning in sadness, so deep


You told me that it was my fault

I shouldn't have made you mad

But you were very sorry

And said, "It won't happen again".


Too bad I believed you

Our poor children heard it all

Every name that you called me

Every fist against the wall


I leave you, then I come back

Thinking I'm the one at fault

And that I am a horrible mother

And I should act "More like an adult"


You apologize and promise me

You're only hurtful to motivate

You say that nothing else works

When you're trying to get me to see your way


You lie to your children

You don't care at all

When I tell you that "it's over"

On deaf ears my words fall


Excuses, excuses

To abuse and to control

Are you happy we all walk on eggshells

Not living a life, playing a role


Hypocracy at its finest

You are now counting on me

But what you do not realize

Is that I am starting to see


The page is getting clearer

Widening my view

I'm slowly gaining self-esteem

To part myself from you


No more apologies

No need to waste more time

Your children and I want to be happy

Not walking your thin line


Soon....soon:)


BY, Jamie (MissJamieD)

3-16-09

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Comments 28 comments

Tiffiany 5 years ago

I am a working mother of 6 beautiful young kids, my oldest is 11 and youngest is 2. Their father and I have been together for 12 years. I did leave him once and had my 3rd child with a wonderful man. I felt guilty and went back. I have supported this man for the entire time we have been together. He is a partially disabled veteran but receives only $123.00 a month. He watches the kids while I work every day. While he is doing this, he is either sleeping, playing games, watching tv or has his buddies which I do not approve of at my house. Everything we have, I have bought. My job pays minimal so I can not afford childcare services. I barely get by from paycheck to paycheck yet he doesnt seem to care. He secretly smokes pot and I have found evidence of other drug abuse. I have threatened to leave him for years and have even tol him I want him to go. I cant even stand the thought of touching him. I have become depressed to the point where I do nothing outside of work. I'll admit, I have verbally and a few occasions physically abused him. I know this is wrong, but after being called names after all I do for him, he just knows how to push my buttons. My kids love him, but I am starting to see issues with the older ones. I want out so bad, but financial circumstances continuously hold me back and a few of my kids get upset when I mention leaving. He has threatened to kill himself in front of them, and I couldnt live with that. People tell me to leave and family members tell me I am better than this, but I have no one to help me. How would I support my children without being able to work? I cant work without a babysitter and cant afford one with my pay. I just cant live like this anymore. I use to have so much self respect and be so independant, but I am honestly trapped. I know it would be healthier for me and the kids, but I need help financially and I have no one to turn to for this support. I have carried a job since I was 16 and am now 33, I only have 1 1/2 yrs left for a bachelors degree, but owe money to school befre I can go back. No decent paying jobs in my area and cant travel outside because of poor transportation. All these people say just leave, its easy. Well tell me, please explain to me how I can, and I will.


MK 5 years ago

I am in the same boat. My children dont want me to leave their father. We have been together for 18 years never merried. I hve 2 grown gids that are on their own from my previous marrige and 2 kids with him. I have been phisacly and mentally abused and manupulated by this man for so long. I want to leave but my kids 16 and 11 girls don't. Don't know what to do can't leave my girls behind. Plus I own the house everything is only in my name Im layed of seence March and can't afford to pay off everything and living somwhere else. I do have an apt. but cant go there cause he will come after me.(plus I have tenents there)What got me the most was last night my neighbour brought me a gift certificate that I bought for him(full 1hr body massage)for X-mas. I went outside to get it cause I did not want him to see it. He somehow is monitering my calls and messages cause he read my message to the woman that if she sees his car in the driveway to jusk honk.I went to the bathroom to take a bath locked the door.He unlocked it walked in on me and started yelling what the f---k is going on between A--- and her husbend, what you paying her for, what you buying drugs?(I do not use druges nevere have)I told him to stop yelling cause I was told by my dr recently that I might have an enlaged heart so I asked him not to get me all worked up all I heard from him was I don't give a shit BITCH. ( Lately thats his favorite word)To prove to him that it's nothing I had to show him the certificate there goes my suprize. I was so pissed off that I was crying I he could say was "stop being a baby stop this bullshit" and ofcours back to what I have done wrong in the past( some things are true but some are additional made up stories of his own tht he believes in)I want to leave him I just don't know how to deal with the kids and how do I leave MY house(which he always says he Payed for Bull---t)I don't want to loose it I put lots of money and hard work in to it. Any suggestions?


etna5678 profile image

etna5678 5 years ago from Lahore, Pakistan

I have been there MissJamieD, There's no end to it unless you end it. I hope you have done something about your situation by now, since this hub seems to have been written quite a few months ago.


ketie 6 years ago

hi jamie im kinda in the same place as u i have 2 kids and an abusive boyfriend im only 24yrs old but we had our first child when i was just 17yrs old and the abuse started then i stay because i grew up without my dad and i wanted my kids to have their dad i did love him but not so much anymore sometimes i wish i had it in me to leave for good but he makes me feel like i cant do anything on my own he said no other guy would want me im so ugly and fat i dont think so im a size 12 and a lot of people tell me im very pretty but he tell me they are lieing he makes me feel like shit most of the time but i pretend to everybody im very happy but most of them can see the lie our eldest son has c.p. and im left to do everything


Nancy 6 years ago

I am currently 6 months pregnanct and my boyfriend of a year is controlling and has laid his hands on me while pregnanct with his child, so ur story I can relate to. I am hoping to get strong and stop blaming my self and let him go!


broken 6 years ago

wow, i honestly think i just read my own story! jamie thanks for that because it makes me realize that i'm not the only woman in the workd that this has happened to. i am 24 years old and i am pregnant with my second daughter. im not married, just engaged. the father of my kids is mentally and physically abusive and i dont know what to do at all. i feel like a fucking moron because i know what i shold do but i cant. my daughter loves him and i try to repair the relationship time after time but it keeps getting worse. im at the point where i throw the towel in. my second daughter is due may 27th and i think that i might be a single parent rasing two girls on my own.


need2heal 6 years ago

Thankyou JaimeD for posting back. I was shocked to get a response to my post. It brought some tears. I hope things are better for you too. Thankyou for sharing with me and hearing my pain.


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

need2heal--honey, I can't tell you how sad and sorry I feel for you right now. Since you can see that I've been in this situation, I only say these things from experience, but some people will make you feel like the guilty party, if you were to tell. Some people will say that you're not being a good mom because you're letting them see this crap. They've all said it to me, trust me. But I'm here to support you and to tell you that you are a victim from one end to the other. You and I are not in regular relationships where we can just say good-bye to our partners. My marriage has made many turns for the better recently because my husband quit doing meth after 12 years. So, I dealt with so many disgusting things with him, I can totally understand your pain. But you are NOT a bad mother or a bad person. You're here sharing with me and many other strangers of the world, I think you are a good person and you don't deserve to be miserable, no matter what the situation. Please, email me and we can talk if you want. OK? I wish you the best sweetheart. I'll pray for you. Come back to see me. big hugs


need2heal 7 years ago

Stumbled here. I will tell all to this faceless page in the hope it helps someone. Will provide an email address if someone wants to communicate. Just leave a comment and contact. Ok ... so here is my story.

I have fully or partially supported my partner for the last 20 years. The last 8 years fully ... he's been unemployed or had short term token employment. I have bought all the houses and cars (even his)single handedly. He has cheated on me several times in the past, exposed our children to his stash of porn and toys, we have not shared a bed for the last four years. I would not touch him if he was the last man on earth. His last attempt at intimacy, he tried to film me without my permission. When I try to tell him how much pain that I and our 2 children are in living with him, he gets really mad, even in front of them. He threatens to kill himself ... he holds box cutters over his wrist, hangs nooses of rope and electrical cable from the downstairs girders, takes random pills like sedatives, painkillers, even disgarded lactose pills from OC packs and tells us they’re eckies. He even claims my abusive childhood (sexual and physical abuse from much older brothers and my mother allowed it) as his own misery and blames me for it. I became an alcoholic for 6 years. Some of this time I was a women's health counsellor! I kicked the habit before I died from pancreatitis (I'm an RN so I know the stats). I am so tired, so confused, so saddened but I also get so damn angry now, I hit him. He has stolen my life and my children's future right out from under us while he smiled and made empty promises. His children have no respct at all for him and want him gone, but you know what? He will come up the stairs tomorrow morning (he lives in the entire bottom floor by himself)like nothing ever happened. He has this reset button where today is a new day. He will guzzle all the coffee, fill up his fat gut, stink out the toilet, wander downstairs and do what he likes all day. If I ask what he's done, he'll tell me not to start on him again and he'll call me a whining nagger. What the hell is wrong with him (dr says he's depressed) and what the hell is wrong with me (nobody knows what he's really like and I'm too ashamed and embarrassed to say)? How should I feel if he does top himself? I pay his life insurance and it’s enough to blast us off, right out of this mess! I have no family at all, apart from my children. I feel I am the worst mum in the world and wonder how my kids still love and respect me. Where is the 'way out' sign. How the hell did I get here? I just wanted a happy family and I thought he loved us. I'm 48.


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

Wendy--I'm so sorry to hear about your story:( I have to say that my husband's abuse issues were a result of drug use and although he is clean now and going into in-patient treatment next week, the damage from our past relationship is done. I'm certainly not accepting anything my husband did to me, as okay, all I'm saying is that some marriages can get through abusive stages and some cannot. I only pray that I can, but there is not 100% certainty. If my husband would've used drugs one more day he would've done something tragic and destructive that would've ruined everyone around him. Luckily God must've stepped in because somehow after 13 years, I got him to understand just where he was at in his life. Not every relationship can be cured, but I will pray for you that yours will. Please do not live in the guilt, it will kill you and you cannot be the mother you need to be, while depressed all the time. I only suggest that you try what I did to turn my life around, I found an online support system, because the ex didn't allow me to have friends in real life, and I went to Yahoo groups and places like that to find other people that have been through the same exact situations. These strangers taught me to love myself and that I am worth so much more than what I was getting....so do you Wendy. I will be praying for you and your children. If you need to talk, please email me anytime:) Big hugs


wendy 7 years ago

I am living this cycle of abuse. Have been for almost 15 years. My beautiful children are drowning in his hatred and control. I want to get away and never look back but so hard for my children to except dad wont be there. He wont leave only by force. I pray Karma will get him each day.


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

Cindy--I'm so sorry. You're not living this now are you? You seem so vibrant and happy....how are you doing?


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

Jaimie, you are speaking about my life!


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

Mindless--AAhh, but you're not mindless:) Thank you so very much for your support. It's so wonderful to know that I'm reaching out to people, and not just for the cause. I sometimes think that only I can understand what I'm trying to say. Ever have that problem? lol

It's so sweet of you to show concern and I can assure you that I am flying and will continue to do so. I am out of love with my ex and have been for years, but now I've lost all compassion. I've haven't been able to do that very often in my 33 years, I care about people. Even if they hurt me. But he's crossed the line too many times and now it's my turn to shine.

Thanks sweetie:) I'm glad to meet you! Hugs


TheMindlessBrute profile image

TheMindlessBrute 7 years ago from Orlando,Florida

The passion of your plight is expressed so clearly in your poetry,I'll pray for you to gain the strength to remain free.It's clear that your husband is a rotten branch on your family tree.Fly away Jaime D and no more chances,make like a botanist and cut off any rotten branches.


MissJamieD 7 years ago

Tatjana---Thank you so much sweetie. I sure appreciate that. I am in the process of preparing myself to do just that. To leave him, forever.

This is such a difficult time for me and I thank God that I have you and the other great people here, for support. I couldn't do it without all of you, honestly.

My husband is in a bad place right now, mentally, and it's scary for me. It always has been, or I wouldn't have stayed. But now that I am older and wiser, at least I know to prepare myself and my children, so that I don't find myself with him ever again. I cannot do it. I am ready to move on.

I'd rather be alone than be with him, definitely, but I have not loved my husband since the first year of our marriage (12 1/2 years ago) when he put his hands on me. I'm ready to date and to be treated like I deserve to be treated.

Thanks again for the support. Hugs


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA

Uffff. I can feel the pain in your heart. It is aching me as well. Please, please create a new life for yourseelf and your precious children. You deserve peace and prosperity and somebody who really loves you. Blessings.


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

Nayberry,

Thanks so much for your comments. It's so funny that you said "Tootles". Just as I read it, Mickey Mouse was on the Disney channel and said "Tootles". He says it on every show and I have a little one that watches the toddler shows every morning:)

Anyway, I've found the strength to leave 8 other times but found myself here again, that is why I struggle with this so much. Everything he says is rude lately and I just want to *&^%*&Y)(&*!! I'm sure you can figure out what that means...lol...Pretty soon I'll just have to have the cops come over and make him leave. He's in MY house now and I live 20 steps from the cop shop. Literally!

Thanks again for the advice. I'm sorry that you have been there, but I'm guessing you're not there anymore. Good for you sweetie. Take care and be safe:)

Jamie


Nayberry profile image

Nayberry 7 years ago from nayphat@yahoo.com

Great hub! You are right. You have to do what is best for your children and you. I have been there. Once your eyes open to the truth of the lies you've been living, all you can think about is a way out. You've fund your strength. Use it to make a better life for the people that matter most in your life you and your children.

Tootles!!!!


Benjimester profile image

Benjimester 7 years ago from San Diego, California

Haha, I've only ever called a person a peach because they bruise easily. Thanks for saying I'm sweet though :) That's awesome of you.


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

It just means you're sweet. Ya know, peaches are sweet?!! lol


Benjimester profile image

Benjimester 7 years ago from San Diego, California

Haha, I've never been called a peach before. I'll do my best to take it as a compliment :)


MissJamie 7 years ago

I wish I had someone like you to turn to around here. I wouldn't have had to worry about having such a long, horrible marriage...lol. I wish I had my three half-brothers here, H wouldn't have lasted a week! Thanks Benji. You're always a peach.

I'm in East Central MN. I'd be happy to hand him to you so you can do my dirty work! Let me know...lol

Hugs


Benjimester profile image

Benjimester 7 years ago from San Diego, California

Jamie, I love the hub! You are very courageous woman, and I thank you for sharing and not caring what happens. I also wanted to tell you that I come out to Minnesota at least once a year, and would be more than happy to come to your place and give this guy a taste of his own medicine. What part of Minnesota do you live in? Thanks again for being willing to share.


Proud Mom profile image

Proud Mom 7 years ago from USA

Pity? No!!! Support? Absolutely!!


MamaDragonfly2677 profile image

MamaDragonfly2677 7 years ago from New York

I'm on your side Jamie... Men like this SUCK! There is not a counseler, or class around that can straiten this type up... They are destined for ultimate power and control, and will never grasp it, and they know it, so they plan to bring the ship down with the storm... Well, we females are good swimmers in the sea of realization, and will reach the shore in no time... Let him sink into his powerless abyss, and free yourself from him. He will do nothing but bring you down with him, if you let him...

Cheers Jamie!


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

Thanks so much Writer Rider. This is only a tiny glimpse of reality, but I think it gets to the point.

I appreciate your kind words. I'm much stronger now, but still have a ways to go.

Thanks for reading:)

Jamie


Writer Rider 7 years ago

Yeah, some men weren't risen correctly and are an utter waste of space. I'm sorry for what you've gone through.

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