QVC Coffee Maker - R Version

Coffee Drinker's Shoe

QVC Testimonial - Coffee Maker

Coffee Maker

I've never ordered anything from QVC before and if I'd thought about it I would've possibly said I would never ever buy anything from QVC, but last Wednesday I found myself on the phone with a QVC representative. I was just innocently flipping channels, minding my own business, when my eye caught this coffee maker. It was a personal coffee maker. It was good only for one or two people. It made up to two 2-cup servings that went straight into a stylish sterling silver mug. Mug isn't even the right word as the mug is tall and slender – sleek and sexy, y'know for a mug. It has a built in rubber grip, which is like that ring of paper they put around the Starbucks to go coffees.

I started watching the QVC coffee maker man rave about this coffee maker. It was making two mugs while he spoke. It only had one button. It was one hell of a coffee maker. You could see that right away. You make the coffee and you take it to work and the coffee will be hot all the way up until lunchtime, he says. Now I don't need or want to make coffee at home and take it to work but it seemed impressive never the less that this coffee maker's mug could keep coffee hot until lunchtime. I would take coffee to work but I can get coffee at work, so there's not much of a need. But when I drink at home it could come in handy. When I drink at home, I generally drink alone or maybe with my sister once in awhile. I don't usually drink it with lots of people at home and as a result I make too much coffee most of the time.

Somewhere during the bit he read the stat that it kept coffee above 140 degrees for over four hours and the man commented that he liked his coffee all the way down to 120 degrees. I'd never thought much really nor measured the temperature of my coffee so I wasn't sure how hot I like it. I like it hot... but then I'll drink it cold. I actually don't mind it cold, I'll just drink it up and go get some more. And that mug stays real cool. You don't even need to hold it by the built in rubber strip because even the silver part stays cool. So he says. And it fits right in your car's cup holder.

Well, I'm sold and I comment that I may actually like to buy it. It is only $27.00 with shipping and handling. My wife, Jeanne says, "Why don't you buy it?" and I did. About a week later it came. In fact, it came today. And I made myself a cup of coffee with it. The coffee maker was a bit larger than I'd expected but the mugs were nice and it looked pretty cool. I wasn't sure how many spoonfuls to put into the #2 filter and I ended up putting four rounded spoonfuls in. Poured the water to the "1" marker and pushed the button.

Three minutes later I have a hot mug of coffee ready. I'm not so sure how good it will be. I've had some difficulty at home with my 12-cup coffee maker, finding the right amount of coffee so that it isn't too strong or too weak. This thing is way smaller than what I'm use to and I just don't know what amount to put in? It's been about 5 minutes I'd guess since it filled the mug up and I take a sip. Well, that coffee was fucking hot! I say, "fucking hot" because I want to emphasize how terribly fucking hot this coffee was. You couldn't tell by gripping the mug because it is made out of that hi-tech material QVC boy was raving about that keeps it cool.
Not cool cool – a bit warm to the touch but you would never guess how incredibly fucking hot the coffee inside would be. And I can not emphasize enough that this coffee was freakishly hot.

It burned my mouth. I mean the experience has happened to most, if not all, coffee drinkers. Especially, if you get a Mc Donald's coffee sometime and try to get a gulp in immediately. Hot. Not nearly as hot as how hot my coffee was because as we've established it was really hot. Let's just say it one more time so this point is not lost, it was fucking hot. Like the sun hot... hot. So, I let that mother sit for a spell. Probably another good 5 minutes and I cautiously take another sip from my sleek cool silver mug and let a bit of coffee enter my mouth... It was still incredibly fucking goddamn hot. Goddamn it was hot!!! It burned my mouth a second time
in most places and found some new areas of my lips that weren't touched on the first go round. It wasn't even funny. It was maliciously hot, like it had an evil purpose and enjoyment at the thought of burning me.

I don't even want to drink coffee at this point and my daughter needs a snack. So, I help her get a snack although I basically let her do all the work with maybe a critique or two for good parenting measure. We discuss this and that and some time passes. Then I go up and tell my wife that my coffee maker makes really hot coffee and it burns my mouth a bit. She gives me a bit of a sympathy look and I wander back down to where the coffee mug is. She doesn't even like coffee.

I examine the top of the mug. I feel like a chicken. I'm actually starting to fear the hot coffee. I put my mouth ever so near the black top of the mug and sniff. Does not seem intensely hot to me. No steam rising from the half-inch slit where the coffee comes from. I guess you just need to let it sit for awhile or put an ice cube in there or something? It's been maybe 30 minutes since I last burnt my mouth. It is probably even cold by now or just warm. Which is fine, I just want to taste my coffee.

I take the sip and it is of course still fucking fucking mother fucking goddamn hot!!! Son-of-a-bitch it is hot! Why does it need to be that hot? Can someone tell me that? Why so goddamn hot? I'm really irritated. This fucker seems hotter even than before, although I know that this is not likely. My mouth is really burned now. You must realize that the coffee is really, really hot. Freakish Twilight Zone hot. I wait an hour – fucking hot. Two hours and still fucking hot. Four hours later and this mug is as hot as it ever was and my finger has a blister on it. You think I was going to keep sipping it?

Now it is 5 am in the morning. It has been like nine hours since I brewed this nasty lava java. I have not gotten a decent sip out of it and I've burned my mouth and finger over it. I am determined to have at least a few lousy sips of coffee. So I go downstairs by the sink where I left that stylish mug sit to have one last go. With great dread and pessimistic anticipation I take another sip. And the coffee is cold. Whaddya expect after nine hours? And not that bad either. I'll probably buy something else from QVC sometime.

-QVC Testimonial

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Comments 2 comments

pacoweaz profile image

pacoweaz 6 years ago

That's why I stick to Mountain Dew.


Winsome profile image

Winsome 5 years ago from Southern California by way of Texas

This is very very funny stuff and how did I miss it? Sorry---I was wondering why more people didn't stop by my April Fools joke hub since at least one person--me--thought it was the coolest prank ever, but even my buddy JB (who of all people should appreciate the pseudo-science of it) did not take the bait so here I am bringing him a formal invitation and imagine my embarrassment when I see I missed one of his very funny hubs. Mia copa buddy, but here's your engraved invite anyway:

http://hubpages.com/education/Eleventh-Planet-Disc

=:)

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