Maybe Not Now

 

I’m lost within my mind

Tormented among these lines

Of what I should do

Chaos caused between the two

 

Scenes from the past

Flashing in my head so fast

My head just twisted

Memories documented and listed

 

I’m tired of all the fighting

Anger released in writing

I cannot change the way you think

If only both minds would sync

 

I ask for a soon understanding

Without words demanding

Just a simple eye to eye

Without making our kids cry

 

All I want is peace between the two

Two meaning me and you

Taking time way back

Before my very first smack

 

I pray to the man above

To settle your heart with love

For the woman who carried your kids

Your mind not allowing, it forbids

 

One day you will understand

I only wanted to hold your hand

And walk this life with you

But my dreams didn’t come true

 

I know we will never be

A product titled we

I accept the way things are

We slowly walked so far

 

 

Two separate lives now taken

 A nightmare I awakened

I walked away with mental scars

Wishing upon the stars

 

Hoping that one day you would see

All the damaged caused to me

Maybe not now

But one day asking how

 

Within a blink of an eye

You turned and said goodbye

On a path to rehabilitate

Allowing myself to facilitate

 

The fundamentals of parenthood

What simply you misunderstood

Maybe when you’re old

A breeze so very cold

 

When you find yourself alone

And all your children grown

Maybe then you will see

That a father they called you to be

 

 

 

bellawritter23(copyright)2011

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Comments 35 comments

tnderhrt23 profile image

tnderhrt23 5 years ago

A powerful write, bella, that says volumes...I could feel the emotion here!


bbnix profile image

bbnix 5 years ago from Southern California

A plea to the future that only lovely Bella could so beautifully bring to pass...

There is no way to know!

My father is alone, bitter, and self-destroyed, by his own hands - I've tried to reach for him, hope for him, but now in his latest of years, there is little we can do...


saddlerider1 profile image

saddlerider1 5 years ago

My dear bellawritter, my heart aches and goes out to you through this terrible time you are under. I felt your pain, I saw the imagery, I felt the loss. I to know what it's like to be lost and alone when it came to being a complete family, not a fragmented one, not a lost family but united.

I write about it in a few of my earlier hubs on Divorce/Marriage/ Separation, etc etc. I pray that you are not walking alone through all of this, we need caring and understanding friends and family, and yet that is not always there for us.

Take deep breaths and know that the man upstairs is watching over you and will see you through this period and help you move on. Your heart will mend, your soul will to. peace and hugs from me to you.


bellawritter23 profile image

bellawritter23 5 years ago from California Author

Tnder, I dont know why I even write this but this morning it fills my eyes with sadness and tears begin to flow. I feel sad to know that he is missing out on his kids life but it is what he made it. I cannot turn backthe hands of time to what was. I accept that life takes its turns and continues to travel Emotion has settled this morning and visited with me. Thank you for reading!!

bb, I met my dad when I was 21 and he died 6 months after it broke me into pieces that I was not given the option to see him but I dealt with it and here he has the option to be a father and he doesnt take it I just don't get it! I never wanted to take our kids away from him but I had to do it for the sake of our kids sanity!! Thanks for reading!!

Saddle, My heart aches now and in the past one day it will soon fade I have faith that it will but by visiting with it, I expose myself to strength and stability for our children I survived a tornado and now is rebuilding from the ground up which takes time and patience maybe I may be lacking patience and guidence but it will return thank you for the comment it is appreciated and I return the hugs and peace!!

smiles :)

bella


toknowinfo profile image

toknowinfo 5 years ago

I am sorry you carry such burdens within. It is hard to help someone else see what see. All you can do is take care of yourself and your kids. It is a difficult road you must travel. Keep your spirits up. Things will turn around for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago

A Sad and yet Beautiful Poem on a Woman and her Children who need her Man, and their Father to be so much more for all of Them...But is he capable?


bellawritter23 profile image

bellawritter23 5 years ago from California Author

Tokno, Burdens indeed they are we are done have been for two years. I just want him to be a carring and respectful father I hurt to see my kids not ask for him but he doesnt see that. He doesnt see beyond his grounds but only time will tell as too when and if he will ever come to senses.

B., A man to me he is not never was never will. At least by far he is a man to another woman who has no respect for herself nor for others so maybe the two were meant for each other. It sets confussion in my head as to how can anyone go without seeing their kids and not realizing that that is all they have I cannot change or force him to be a father but he holds the second key to their hearts!!

smiles :)

bella


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 5 years ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

bellawriter23: You were knocked down. But your pride, your strength, your fortitude is built on the fact that you got back up. You’re strong, resourceful and are building your family around that love and strength. His loss.


bellawritter23 profile image

bellawritter23 5 years ago from California Author

Mc, Yes down below the ground I did rise with surprise I never thought I could or maybe even should walk away with regret allowing confussion to set. I did the best I could not knowing if he ever would change and be a better man for the rest of his life span. His loss your right so I look for the white light and turn and ask of it and allow guidance to sit!! Thank you for the comment and thoughts I appreciate it!!

smiles :)

bella


shanaya profile image

shanaya 5 years ago from Living in my Own Dreams:)

Dear Bella! You ROCK

HATS OFF to you.

LOTS OF LOVE

SHANAYA


bellawritter23 profile image

bellawritter23 5 years ago from California Author

Shana, Thank you dear friend!!

smiles :)

bella


Pixienot profile image

Pixienot 5 years ago from Clarksville, Indiana

Dear bellawriter, my heart feels your heart, and your agony and your fear and your compassion. This was a moving piece, causing sadness and tears.

I am sending peace your way. You will come through this trial stronger and an even better person.

Voted up and awesome


bellawritter23 profile image

bellawritter23 5 years ago from California Author

Pixienot, Thank you very much it is very difficult for me to read without crying since I wrote it I have read it several times over and over to myself and it just seems to weaken me from the indise out it tears at my heart but I will be fine I need to write what I feel otherwise I will go crazy....Thank you once again!!

smiles :)

bella


acaetnna profile image

acaetnna 5 years ago from Guildford

Bella you break my heart with your despair. Your words were so full of imagery and total sensitivity. I do hope that your tears will soon stop and you will find true and lasting love not only for yourself but for your children too. Words are such a great healer and I know that you will win through. God bless you Bella and your wonderful children too.

A totally awesome poem as always - up and pressing your buttons as I always do!


bellawritter23 profile image

bellawritter23 5 years ago from California Author

Ace, My tears for my broken home will never stop falling. I know one day they will but not now! And if they do they will continue to fall on the inside I long for my family to be one again but it will never happen I can create a new one but it will never be the same!! Thank you for clicking all the way across...

smiles :)

bella

PS. It may be the day that has got me that way it will soon pass


shygirl2 5 years ago

Sad but moving piece of poetry, bella. I can definitely relate to this one. I recently learned my ex remarried. Not sure when, but he is married. Hope he treats her better than he did me and our children we had together. Happy to be reading your poetry again. You always do such a wonderful job of expression. :D


bellawritter23 profile image

bellawritter23 5 years ago from California Author

Shygirl, I am sorry about that... But yes he has moved on which I do not mind I wish them well I love him but in my own way not in a way where I can ever make anything out of it again! He and I both know that. He had no choice but to move on he tried but he had damaged my love for him already there is no way he can mend what is broken I am happy he learned how to love and treat a woman right I may have been used as a stepping stone to get him to the man he needed to be. I know I will have a partner that will love me and supply everything I need! Thank you for reading and commenting I appreciate you very much!!

smiles :)

bella


SubRon7 profile image

SubRon7 5 years ago from eastern North Dakota

Powerful, Bellawritter23, this will be one of my favorites, and I will save special.


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 5 years ago

Extremely powerful and moving. The first "smack" should be the "last" smack. One is one too many. Up and awesome.


JadedLove 5 years ago

Reminds me of our daughter being brought into a realm without place or time. So much to live for in a life blessed with death only to find the next journey more beautiful than the last.


PenMePretty 5 years ago from Franklin

Powerful words from a BraveHeart. Blessings...


Doug Turner Jr. 5 years ago

Very heartfelt, candid, and harsh. There is nothing in this world like the pain of love lost or transformed into something else. Maybe it wasn't love in your case, maybe it was just a hope for something else. Either way it became distorted and that is eternally hard to deal with. Brave write as always.


bellawritter23 profile image

bellawritter23 5 years ago from California Author

Sub, Thank you It is what I feel and nothing more than some deep thoughts that burn within my soul when will I rid these feeling I’m not sure but I try to keep them dormant but time to time they resurface themselves and get me all twisted and I contradict myself but I guess it’s normal for I am human!!

Jaded, I know a journey of happiness awaits me I am happy and content with the way things are the only worry I carry is the one of my children and their relationship with their father this wasn't the life style I wanted for our children things happen for a reason and I cannot change what is. All I can change is what will become!! Thank you as always!!

Pen, I tried very hard write for me I cried yesterday every time I read it every time I received a comment there were this little drops in my eyes that fell with heat!! Thank you very much!!

Dougy, I see it as it had to happen. There are never empty reasons. It wasn't in this life that we were meant to be and I have accepted that. But I thank you for your comment and warmth I really do!!

smiles :)

bella


bbnix profile image

bbnix 5 years ago from Southern California

I was so sorry to hear about your dad...

Girl, you're way past due for a break. Keep that new guy on his toes and the rest of us have your back - there is no freakin' way things are going to be anything but wonderful from here on out!!!

Got some more about my poetry play to talk to you about - I'm trying like hell to see you the 28th...


always exploring profile image

always exploring 5 years ago from Southern Illinois

Oh Bella, I felt this. Your words told a sad story that happens much too much. Bless you. Write it all out then HEAL BABY.

Cheers


bellawritter23 profile image

bellawritter23 5 years ago from California Author

bb, Well new guy idk I guess I know how to pick em. I think there is something wrong with me no man wants me :( to play wifey... but I guess in time it will all happen for me I will not give up!!

Always, A sad story but it was my life and that life was sad but luckily I have found strength to keep moving and going on I tend to have little moments and remember what it was and just release it... Thank you for passing by and sharing my moment with me!!

smiles :)

bella


Eiddwen profile image

Eiddwen 5 years ago from Wales

So much emotion bella and also so much talent.

I am glad that I can enjoy your poetic gift.

Take care my friend.

Eiddwen.


Jo_Goldsmith11 profile image

Jo_Goldsmith11 5 years ago

This is some truly amazing and inspiring work! I was so moved. I hope you will write a story and include this in it. This would be a great book idea! Many blessings and inspirations for you! Absolutely B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L!


bellawritter23 profile image

bellawritter23 5 years ago from California Author

Eid, Thank you emotional yes it is talent possible... I am honored to share it with you and all who chose to read or follow me. It is just written off personal experience as all know but thank you again!!

Jo, Thank you I truly appreciate it and respect your thoughts. A story is in the process it’s of a different era and time but coincides with my life and how it was. Thank you once again for stopping by!

smiles :)

bella


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 5 years ago from Louisiana

He will find this out when its too late. good poem.


bellawritter23 profile image

bellawritter23 5 years ago from California Author

Sunshine, I know he will and his 13 year old daughter told him that they were NOT gonna be their when he was dying and to not count on her for anything. Which is my step daughter he will see and learn by then it may just be too late!!

smiles :)

bella


samiaali profile image

samiaali 5 years ago

Hi bellawritter23, This was very moving and powerful! Very beautiful write. :)


bellawritter23 profile image

bellawritter23 5 years ago from California Author

Samia, Thank you it waas a bit hard to write but it was accomplished I wrote through my tears but it reflected my tears thank you!!

smiles :)

bella


mckbirdbks 5 years ago

Reflected in Tears, sounds like the next title of your next great poetry.


bellawritter23 profile image

bellawritter23 5 years ago from California Author

Mc, Yes you are very right great title you just gave me inspiration I thank you!!

smiles :)

bella

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