Memories We Share - Part 7

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To the tune of “My Favorite Things”


Blood drops on pavement and slicing knives ready

Pale murdered corpses the smell is so heady

Body bags filling with life’s throw a-ways

These are the things my mind brings me these days


First slam your fist into anything handy

Watch as the blood flows

Now isn’t it dandy

Inside-out hate and fists curled in rage

All I have now is inside of this cage


When the snakes strike
When the hate fills
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so MAD


They say, grief comes in stages and that when you are caring for someone who is either living with, or dying from, a terminal illness, it is possible you will also go through these stages of grief. Guess which one I’m in? First, let me say that my fury has to be released somewhere other then being directed at my husband, of course, and second, if my sick little song lyrics upset you … well don’t read them. HA!

I am not nice today. I don’t feel like playing nice or pretending there isn’t an explosion going on inside of my head. I am prone to mood swings to begin with but they normally just run from depressed to super depressed. Apparently this wonder drug anti-depressant I’m on does not account for your mate dying. Well, not on top of your regular symptoms, at least.

I keep waiting for reason to soak into my inflamed brain and calm me but so far today it hasn’t happened. I’m coming off two days of thinking my husband was at death’s door because he got his medication mixed up and ended up taking his regular Morphine, plus the new, double strength Morphine and the Dilaudid (Hydromorphone) he can take for break through pain. He wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t wear his oxygen, was pretty much unresponsive … well no wonder! He was in la la land, which I don’t begrudge him, but it also suppresses his respiratory system which is already shutting down from COPD. If I were in his place I think I’d stay heavily medicated all of the time.

Today he is much more alert and even went to have coffee at the local ice cream parlor/coffee shop and then stopped in for a couple of minutes to trades lies with the guys at the auto shop. He had some donuts with his coffee and his color is good. Given all of that I should be feeling grateful and I am grateful, it’s just buried under a whole pile of self-pity, doubts about my care taking abilities and emotional exhaustion. If I’m rattled this early in the game what will I be like when I have to give him sponge baths and feed him? How will I respond, listening to him gasp for air that will no longer come and how will I watch as his oxygen starved organs continue to shut down and as he becomes weaker and less responsive. Instead of lung cancer, or in addition to it, they should start showing end stage COPD patients to kids to keep them from starting to smoke in the first place. It is slow and ugly – well, actually it effects so much of the body it can result in heart failure and be swift and merciful.

Thus goes our ride on the COPD rollercoaster. How’s your day going for ya?


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Comments 14 comments

stars439 profile image

stars439 5 years ago from Louisiana, The Magnolia and Pelican State.

More power to you Phoenix in getting what you can out of your system. You have all the reasons in the world to feel the way you do. God Bless You Precious heart.


Hyphenbird profile image

Hyphenbird 5 years ago from America-Broken But Still Beautiful

I'm so sorry Pooh. I love you. Hyphenbird


jami l. pereira 5 years ago

Voted up . As i sit here singing my butt off ! lol thanks for the tune :) very good Hub! ;)(smiles)


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 5 years ago from On the edge Author

Whew - well now I feel a lot better and jami, you have a song stuck in your head ... lol. Stars and Hyphenbird, thank you as always for your love and support and for reading.


EnLydia 5 years ago

Poohgranma, I was reading your story from a nurses point of view...I am only an LPN...and don't have anything to compare this too...as none of my residents with COPD were in a lot of pain....so I have a question...what is causing the pain that he needs the morphine for? Generally that is end of life medication for cancer patients. Have you ever wondered if he was overmedicated? Just wondering.


baygirl33 5 years ago

You need some serious respite! And you probably need more sleep.You can't help him if you break down completely. But you can do this .

We are often stronger than we think. Is there no place you could contact for the washing and feeding even a time or two a day. Here we have something called community care workers that you can call if you're desparate.Of course ,if you have the means you have to pay them.

I know that you know this ,but what you're doing e.g. writing down your desperation and fear is very thereputic even if you were not publishing it.But here you have the added sense of people !


Movie Master profile image

Movie Master 5 years ago from United Kingdom

Oh Phoenix, Let it out - way to go! jami isn't the only one with that stupid song going round her head!!!! a big hug from me too.


SomewayOuttaHere profile image

SomewayOuttaHere 5 years ago from TheGreatGigInTheSky

...don't beat yourself up...yor doin' the best you can and i bet it's pretty good...i recall being so tired and so exhausted and realizing i had to be very very careful...i had my alarm clock, my calendar (where i wrote everything down) and meds clearly marked and quantities carefully measured....before i did anything, I had to read what and when i was supposed to do whatever and after write down what i did...there was no other way...i didn't want to forget anything or mix up drugs etc...everything starts to blurrrrr together as you know

...don't look into the future yet (sponge baths etc) - it'll all come together - don't ask me how, it just will - you have a good support system there - they'll know too when more help is needed - they're paying attention to you too you know.

I hope yor day was better...i wish i could help

Big, big hug for you!


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 5 years ago from On the edge Author

EnLydia - You probably understand the dynamics of this better than I do. He has nerve damage throughout his body and Chronic Pain, exclusive of the COPD. Apparently his organs are shutting down from lack of oxygen. I don't know what causes the pain from COPD - haven't researched it yet. I just know what the Hospice doctor has put him on and he has had confusion from the lack of oxygen for a while now before they increased his pain meds, so your guess is probably as good as or better than, mine. Thanks for reading!

babygirl - well I did get some respite, but not the way I expected. I started getting strong palpitations and could feel the PVC irregular heartbeat that I've had and have been treated for for the past nine and a half years so I just went straight over to our little clinic. I'll write a section about it as it's too long for an answer here but I'm back home with a Holter monitor on until Monday and got a very interesting ambulance ride...lol. We did take him with us in the ambulance though. I just got done cleaning up a bowl of food off of him and the floor that he was holding when he had another one of the horrible muscle spasms. It flew everywhere. Mexican rice, hamburger, shredded cheese and sour cream ... what a mess!

Thanks Movie Master - glad to know it's stuck in your head to .... he he he! :)

I know you're right SOH and apparently my body has a built in stress meter that sets off an alarm and does whatever is necessary to get me to rest when I need to - my mind and my body. He stayed by himself last night and I was not happy about it but my own condition was too serious to do much about it and my son was a phone call and about fourteen blocks away, so...

Thanks a million everyone for your support, hugs and diversions!


DeBorrah K. Ogans profile image

DeBorrah K. Ogans 5 years ago

Poohgranma, Your faithfulness and truthfulness is commendable and touching...

God Bless YOU!


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 5 years ago from On the edge Author

Thank-you again, Deborrah K. Sometimes the rage I feel at this disease is overwhelming and I just have to let it out. The lovely people here have been great about understanding my outbursts.


Sharyn's Slant profile image

Sharyn's Slant 5 years ago from Northeast Ohio USA

Oh Pooh,

You sure know how to stir up the emotions. But I ended in LAUGHING OUT LOUD. I loved this piece. The raw feelings and honesty certainly stand out. Awesome!

Sharyn


Micky Dee profile image

Micky Dee 5 years ago

I'm with you dear Pooh. God bless.


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 5 years ago from On the edge Author

I KNOW you are Mickey Dee, I know you understand!

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