Humour: A Man of My Dreams
Fighting for control over dreams
The man of my dreams is my ex-husband. We have been divorced for three years and I keep seeing him in my dreams. I would rather see somebody else.
Since I have no control over my dreams and husbands have such power to infiltrate them, the best thing to do is to marry again. But this time I should choose carefully.
“Careful selection of partners is crucial for the success of the marriage. Unless they are fully committed, the marriage will only be a temporary exercise with no continuation.”
Every second marriage ends in divorce. Even my first marriage ended in divorce and now statisticians are telling me that the second marriage is always a temporary exercise doomed by definition. Who am I to argue with statistics? There is some good news – the second marriage lasts only five to six years. It is rather like a job – five years and then you have to move on to greener pastures to keep your sanity and vanity.
What happens next? Statistics show that for an average person (I am!) it takes five to seven repetitions to remember and therefore learn.
I’ll brace myself for the second marriage. Third time is a charm – I might even enjoy it and hopefully by the fifth or sixth time I will get it.
But how do I choose a partner for the temporary exercise that is the second marriage?
Marriage is a scared institution
Half the people are scared of marriages and another half is scared out of them. The fear factor? I know two: people are afraid it won’t work out and people are afraid of commitment.
In my case, it did not “work out”. Neither of us worked out. I went to gyms a few times, but clearly it was not enough. I still don’t – I have all the excuses in the world.
New Baccara "Fantasy Boy"
There is no argument, commitment is scary. I was committed for sixteen years, but I survived. It takes courage; it is not for the faint of heart. But who wants to marry a coward?
The only fully committed people are in mental institutions and prisons.
The difference? You have to commit a crime to be imprisoned, something that society disapproves of. To be institutionalized you have to be insane. Marriage is insanity that society approves of. Not only approves of, but encourages, as well.
To test your strength and determination, society sends you for a temporary stay at a spa (asylum)…. It is like a test, the friendly staff in a facility observes your behaviour and your ability to handle adversity. Some people get crazy only upon arrival. We are animals - when encaged - we become enraged, scared or something else, anything but happy. Don’t panic. Don’t be a rebel without a cause.
Be cooperative. It is in your best interests. If you are not cooperative, the friendly staff will straighten you out. Oh, there are means …romantic dinners … straitjackets... cold baths …divorce lawyers.
Marriage is a serious matter
“Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.”
I am not interested in gay men. Why are they so gay? It is a sign of immaturity. I am too old for that. I want seriously straight (straightly serious, I always forget which) men, who have been already straightened out. What was the first marriage for?
What matters to me?
1) White matter
2) Grey matter
3) Primary matter
4) Secondary matter
5) Subject matter
If you work for intelligence, there is something wrong with you. It should be the other way around.
Your intelligence will be measured and if it is not up to bar you have to get it up. Gentlemen, I cannot stress it strongly enough “Get it up”.
No cheating! Artificial intelligence won’t do. Nothing artificial will do.
Is marriage in America overrated?
It is an interesting question. I was not aware that there was a rating system for marriages.
My marriage was not rated. Maybe that is why it failed.
I had no strategy for choosing a partner. I was clueless. I thought about love and all this romanic nonsense. It was good (it wasn’t) for the first marriage. Second time around, I should do my homework.
A man should be a Canadian subject. I have too many Canadian objects as it is.
Chemistry should be right. It is tough to measure; I studied chemistry long time ago and I always get it wrong. There are accidents, burns, explosions. I don’t need trouble anymore.
I prefer strong muscular men. I have been told that it is a sheer perversion for an intellectual woman like me to look for muscular men. Maybe I am a pervert. I have also been warned that strong muscular men tend to be abusive.
There is one category of men which is tested for precisely that – inclinations to be abusive. If they are, they are disqualified. They cannot become police officers. So, maybe a muscular police officer.
What always confused me, however, was that police stands for “law enforcement”. Enforcement – taking by force. In Russian, the word “rape” and “enforcement” is the same. Therefore, “law enforcement” is "rape by law". Power corrupts. I don’t know. Police officers or not, men are terra incognita for me. But whom do you suggest?
Axis of Evil
Three Axes. This one is rather confusing. X, Y and Z. Pitch, Yaw and Roll. What is so evil about them?
I hated this subject in the university. Our professor, an old lady, “God’s Dandelion” was vicious. There must be something wrong with it, I am sure. On the other hand, everyone needs a good mechanic.
It would be nice to have someone who can make money. One of us should.
- Art of Seduction
- Art of Conversation
- Art of Life
Being a Drama Queen, I am very playfool.
Therefore I need a Drama King. Apparently, I enjoy plays.
You should be good at some sports. Why? I don’t know. Use your imagination. Maybe having different hobbies will allow us to spend time apart.
Curriculum vitae. Life story. Oh, if you are good at telling stories then I have a lot of BS to plow though. Truth is vital. I don’t want any liars. The only person who is allowed to lie is I.
I have to do the math:
replace my ex (X) with
But that is what I am doing.
Wait a second… X-rated… is what rating is all about? Finding an axe?
Hot Math Teacher, the Face of Armani
1) Physical (protrusions)
2) Chemical (infusions)
3) Mental (delusions)
4) Dental (occlusions)
5) Optical (illusions)
We don’t call them “tests”, we call them “analysis-es”. I think it is a better word, someone has to analyze… you know what. Yes, all the BS and a BS.
But can I test and analyze all the candidates? It is a daunting task. I am not good at rating, but Consumer Reports are.
They are always on the lookout for the optimal combination of performance, quality and price.
For me, a man should be cheap. Cheap, lean and mean.
I cannot afford an expensive one.
It is a tough subject. Even at my age I understand nothing about love-making.
When you make money, there is money. When you make dinner, there is dinner. When you make love, there is no love. Maybe I just don’t know how. I admit I am clueless, but my partners must have been clueless as well.
To me it is more or less like a roller coaster ride. You get on with great excitement or maybe apprehension, but you never know how it will turn out. You start rolling and then get thrilled and scared and scream. But then you come back to the point where you started if only slightly more excited. Or embarrassed? Sometimes the best part is that the ride is over. I don’t like all roller coaster rides. I don’t like the majority of them. Why? They are designed for men in the first place. The seat and the harness are meant to secure a man who is taller and broader in his shoulders. Maybe for women that are the same size as men… Ladies and gentlemen, size matters.
It does for me. I don’t fit snuggly in the harness. Therefore there are some merciless roller coasters out there that throw you like a rag doll and you finish the ride with bruises. The worst scare was when I thought I could break my neck. That is not an excitement. That is not a thrill. That is a horror and I hate …horrors.
Maybe there should be gender-oriented seats: male seats and female seats. We don’t wear the same underwear. Somewhere differences are acknowledged, but somewhere ignored.
What am I talking about? Underwear? It is also designed for men, not for comfort. I will only wear a string if he will. Even then I won’t.
Shoes? For whom are high heels designed? For whom and by whom? Spanish Inquisition? They had some torture device called "Spanish Boots"...
But back to roller coasters. I looked them up. They have to do a lot with physics. Told you. One interesting detail (irrelevant, but sweet) the history of roller coasters goes back to 16th century Russia.)
So, in love making everybody thinks about position.
What you have to know about roller coasters
- HowStuffWorks "How Roller Coasters Work"
Roller coasters are thrilling rides and fascinating studies in physics. Learn about the history, physics and construction of roller coasters.
There are other factors:
1) positive acceleration
9) Newton’s 1st Law.
Things are complicated. And it is only physics – an exact science. What if we have to take into account psychology? If we do, we will never see the end of the day. We don’t. Especially if it goes well.
I am in favour of animalistic love. Animals are so cute.
I wonder why lions and other animals are always beautiful and people are not? Marriages may or may not be overrated, but looks certainly are. Animals go by smell, not by looks.
There is some sniffing for me in store and I am NOT looking forward to it.
Because certain things just stink.
The secondary matter is even more delicate than love-making.
We are all very particular about it.
I did not realize that there are certain things to look out for until somebody pointed it out.
“Don’t take any white sh-t”.
The man did not elaborate.
First of all, who gives? Some people are honest and straightforward about it.
They just say:
“I don’t give a …”
Colour is irrelevant, they would never part with their … and I respect their choice.
But there are others who don’t say whether they would or would not. I am in the second category, so don’t ask. What is the deal with “white”? I have never seen such a thing.
I think the only people who give a … openly and without any reservations or (shame!) are children until they are potty-trained and until they realize (until they are socialized into understanding) that it is something to treasure and therefore to be secretive about.
I don’t understand this point. Take it or leave it. No, don’t take it or take it at your own discretion? Peril? Too confusing.
I came up with three options:
1) I don’t give a …
2) I don’t take a …
3) I leave a …
I have Zero Tolerance for racism. I have to say that I don’t race. I don’t like it because I always lose. You can be a racist, but please race with somebody else.
What rings true?
“There is an engagement ring, a wedding rind and suffering.”
“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional”.
Since suffering is optional, there is no need to take it into consideration.
Engagement and wedding rings are pain. Is it because they are expensive? Or because they don’t fit after a while? People gain weight, lose weight… True.
Engagement and wedding rings are temporary. True?
Disengagement and divorce rings are permanent. True?
A divorce ring can be a nice memento. I already have one. It does not fit. I lost weight. Pity.
- Will 'divorce rings' catch on?
Will 'divorce rings' catch on? in the HubPages Gender and Relationships Forum
There will be no wedding.
Remember the point of the exercise to learn and move on.
We both know it is temporary.
Marina, Marina, Marina
The Gist of It
I fell in love with Marina
Sweet brunette girl
But she doesn't want to know about my love
What should I do to conquer her heart?
Marina, Marina, Marina
I want to marry you as soon as possible
Marina, Marina, Marina
I want to marry you as soon as possible
Same Man, Same Song, Another Tongue
Eh... What's the Rush?
Instead of changing tunes, he has changed the words. He speaks in tongues now, some man of my dreams. I don't understand a word of it, not that I understood much before.
I am looking for a blue orange. I know that oranges are orange, but in personality colour scheme everything is different. It is very counter-intuitive. No wonder so many marriages fail. Colour coordination is a skill and some people are just colour blind.
My colours: I am blue-green. Teal, the colour of my universe is teal. I love marines, …
I was even called Marina at school. My math teacher could not remember my real name. But maybe she was clairvoyant and she saw my colours even then.
It is all so serious. Yes, marriage is a serious matter.
My sign: "Trouble Ahead"
I have a driver’s license. But I don’t have a car. I don’t have much experience.
Somebody told me that I am the kind of person “My way or highway”. That is true, I have no experience driving on highways; therefore, if I am behind the wheel, it is much safer to go “my way”. When you are behind the wheel, then we can take a highway.
I think the discussion who is wearing pants should have been closed long time ago. Everybody is wearing pants. If you want me to go outside without my pants, then I am sorry, we don’t have a deal. I would not be happy if you will be parading around in your underwear, either.
I am very down to earth – in other words, I am grounded.
I am not
... a morning person ...
You can be either. Just don’t bring me coffee in bed. I prefer it in a cup. No in a mug, no mugging, please.
I got you thinking?
Light up! There are no perfect matches. At first all matches look the same, but then there is no spark, no fire… Instead you have a feeling of a bath gone cold...
That is why every relationship must be tested. My problem is that I am not very selective. I let men select me. But it is time to learn. Practice makes perfect.
Substitute X with ?
Consumer Safety Product Reports sent me the first candidate with a promising conclusion “The numbers are on your side”. What numbers? I guess his rating must be high if he is the first man.
It is not the same, however, to be the first and to be the one.
Substitute X with?
Let me take a shot at Bachelor #1.
Air-raid warning! First squadron in the air!
Note: I have no idea how commands are given in English, so the first one of the readers who does, please let me know where to look them up.
Ladies & Gentlemen: I never insist on readers watching the videos (I simply cannot), but these ones are part of the story.
That is a bad dream! The guy is a shooter. I don’t do any shooters.
Yes, after careful consideration, I must admit that marriage in America is overrated. Or at least Consumer Reports are not good at ratting.
Bachelor # 1 found his match on e-Harmony. Is e-Harmony better at rating and matching?
No, they overrate, too. Back to square one. Or is it, next in line, please?
A Man of My Dreams, Ratings and All
© 2011 kallini2010
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