Midwestern Man Discovers Saturn is "Effed-Up"

Neighbor states: It's like a Midwestern boy has finally done good.

POSTED: 5:36 a.m. CDT August 27, 2010
UPDATED: 8:21 a.m. CDT August 27, 2010

MADISON, WI - University of Wisconsin-Madison officials in conjunction with NASA have announced that local resident, John Beadle, discovered that Saturn is effed-up and "but good". Immediate verification was delayed while officials took the time to re-program the Hubble Space Telescope telemetry to look at Saturn. Hubble had been exploring the deep space region of the Universe where it is believed some of the answers to the meaning of life exist.

"No one, save a few novice yahoos from Wisconsin are looking at Saturn these days", Ford Prefetch, famous space traveler and a NASA spokesman was quoted as saying. "There are so many more interesting things to look at these days; even amateur astronomers are bored with Saturn. Not one legitimate scientist with a telescope in the world has their telescope pointed at Saturn currently, not even in the past year. Never the less we decided to check out the wild claims of Mr. Beadle who said that he was really sure that Saturn was effed-up. If nothing else, to ridicule and embarrass him."

Ford Prefetch, who was strangely wearing a towel, did confirm that Saturn was indeed effed-up, "Holy essit, I said to my assistant, Saturn really is effed-up!!!! It looks like Venus!?!? It is as-if the side of the planet has disappeared. AND the rings can not be seen."

This matched the earlier reports from John Beadle of Madison when he described what he had seen the night before.

"I was looking at what I figured was Saturn", said Mr. Beadle, "As it was very bright and still quite high up in the early night sky. I had double checked my free star map program I have on my computer and that pretty much verified it had to be Saturn. But when I looked at it through my telescope, it looked more like Venus in one of its phases. I'd seen Saturn the year before and it had the rings and all and you could make out the stripes but this thing was like a half moon with no rings. It's completely effed-up."

Brian Welch, a chief NASA spokesman and a way more reliable source than Ford Prefetch said he had no comment on why Saturn is effed-up other than to shrug his shoulders.

Mr. Prefetch explained, "We don't know why it is effed-up, and I mean effed-up but good. We can tell it doesn't look right and that we aren't looking at Venus. Whether the planet is being destroyed by hostile aliens or there is something blocking our vision to Saturn or whether we are on the verge of the Mayan apocalypse - we just really don't have enough data at this point to make a solid guess. We advise people not to panic at this point but to be on standby for concern or possibly even worry as details become known. There are no satellites nearby to help us figure out what happened at the moment but it is safe to assume that something not good has occurred and apparently something pretty destructive is happening… I mean, whatever it is has completely effed-up Saturn!"

John Beadle, also claimed that he had known Saturn had been effed-up for days before reporting it to the UW-Madison Astronomy Department.

Beadle commented, "I saw that Saturn didn't look right a few days ago and I'd even posted it on my list group site, Chicken_Talk to some of the members. I was telling them that Saturn looked completely effed-up and if someone could explain it. This guy, Spencer James, well that isn't his real name but just something he goes by, told me it was probably Venus and then went on to explain why we can only see the planets like Mercury and Venus just after sunset or just before sunrise because they are the inner planets. Like I haven't gotten past Astronomy 101 or something?!?! That killed me. This guy thinks only people who went to the University of Texas understand anything. Anyway, I assured Spencer that it was late early-evening and impossible to be Venus considering its height in the sky and the lateness of the early hour and how I'd verified it with my free star map program. Then this HR "Happy Roosta" guy who writes the Daily Cluck for my Chicken_Talk site, a place where we talk about chickens – just blah blah blahs that he thinks it is Venus too so I just dropped it.

Except, after that and for three nights in a row the planet that was NOT VENUS was still all effed-up and I had to call the UW-Madison Astronomy department to let them know. AND I live in Edgerton , even though the guy on News15 kept saying I was from Madison. I graduated from Madison but I'm from Edgerton now - and viewed this all in Edgerton so the least you could do is put Edgerton as the city in the by-line when you write up this piece. For accuracy, if nothing else.

show route and directions
A markerEdgerton, WI -
Edgerton, WI, USA
[get directions]

B markerMadison, WI -
Madison, WI, USA
[get directions]

And it would be nice if the article didn't dwell on the whole thing about how I blog about chickens on the Internet like the News15 news jerk guy did. He seemed to feel like potentially *I* was crazy. Just because I have an Internet list group that talks about chickens and that I discovered that Saturn was effed-up. I mean, NASA admits it is effed-up so I'm not that crazy! I'm sane enough to see that Saturn didn't look right."

The statements made by Mr. Beadle in regards to his sanity will have to be determined true or not true when all of the facts come in. But for now, at least, it seems NASA agrees with Mr. John Beadle from Madison, Wisconsin that Saturn is indeed effed-up. At least, effed-up for the time being and but good.

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Comments 23 comments

nicomp profile image

nicomp 6 years ago from Ohio, USA

"Ford Prefetch" is reason enough to rank this as an all-time classic hub. Perhaps Saturn has become new home of The Magrathea Planet Works.

Now no one can say that nothing happens in Wisconsin. Expect Brett Favre to return to the cheese heads at any time.


JBeadle profile image

JBeadle 6 years ago from Midwest Author

Glad you enjoyed the Adams reference there. :-) This comment means a lot to me, Nicomp - how couldn't a comment coming from a hubber with an avatar of a horsehead coming out of a flowerpot not be meaningful?


Rasta 6 years ago

Jezz, you'll make a hub out of ANYTHING.


JBeadle profile image

JBeadle 6 years ago from Midwest Author

You're in four of them now - this one plus the Paco Adventures. Probably more. Is Jezz what they say in Philly for Geez?


Robwrite profile image

Robwrite 6 years ago from Bay Ridge Brooklyn NY

Too bad about Saturn. It's my favorite planet. I looked up the term "effed up" in a scientific journal and its not good.


JBeadle profile image

JBeadle 6 years ago from Midwest Author

I'm still getting a few comments that what I was looking at was Venus. Amateurs!!! Thanks for the comment Rob.


Winsome profile image

Winsome 6 years ago from Southern California by way of Texas

I think I have discovered the problem. "Prefetching" of objects requires a new theory called the "traveling salesman" to account for consistent mapping of objects which are constantly changing. To quote the Rand Corporation: "We discuss prefetching for two different algorithms: Dijkstra's shortest path algorithm and the traveling salesman."

You have been observing Saturn by the "shortest path" algorithm, meaning you look right at it. That may be fine for any old Tom, Dijkstra and Harry, but as every traveling salesman knows--and Ford Prefetch should know--the direct approach may get your foot in the door the indirect approach runs "circles" around the other method. You just have to think like a traveling salesman and use your peripheral vision--don't let your telescope know you're looking until it's too late. That should do it. =:)


nicomp profile image

nicomp 6 years ago from Ohio, USA

"Jezz, you'll make a hub out of ANYTHING."

Sir, you have arrived as a hubber. There is no higher complement. Congratulations!


Jim Bryan profile image

Jim Bryan 6 years ago from Austin, TX

JBeadle - First off, don't panic [smirk]. I live in Austin and them folks down at UT are an odd bunch for sure. They got this thing called "New Math," and apparently it's all the rage in the Culinary Academy. Why, the other day I overheard a couple of fellers talking about "Pie are squared" when everybody knows pie are round...That's more effed up than Saturn ever could be!!!


tom hellert profile image

tom hellert 6 years ago from home

JB,

Great Hub-

if saturn is getting all white- it is odd since those stripes/rings- ON the planet spin at 100s-1000s of miles an hour. I am guessing that either that motion has stopped or something is forming above them like al didn't nasa send a Space PROBE INTO saturn- maybe they punctured a layer of material that is now leaking outward obscuring the "face" of saturn....

Great hub!!!

TH


JBeadle profile image

JBeadle 6 years ago from Midwest Author

@Nicomp - LOL and thanks. Anything that upsets Rasta is a good hub too. Plus he spells funny.


JBeadle profile image

JBeadle 6 years ago from Midwest Author

@Winsome. That is a pretty complicated prefetch theory there. You might want to run that past some of the rocket scientists at UW-Madison!


JBeadle profile image

JBeadle 6 years ago from Midwest Author

@Jim Bryan. Trying not to panic but with this economy and Saturn being all effed up... it is getting rather difficult!


JBeadle profile image

JBeadle 6 years ago from Midwest Author

@Tom H. - Thanks for the read and comments, Tom. NASA does worry me and may be responsible for this Saturn issue. I don't trust them. We were watching a show where one of them was suggesting we should pull on the moon to help out our weather or something. Don't mess with the moon!!!!! C'mon! :-)


tom hellert profile image

tom hellert 6 years ago from home

Yea pull on the moon that makes sense- I don't think NASA caused the Saturn issue-Thats a little silly- the planet is way to big for us to affect it keep on writing the astronomy stuff I love it...

TH


JBeadle profile image

JBeadle 6 years ago from Midwest Author

Thanks Tom. Glad you liked it!


ltfawkes profile image

ltfawkes 6 years ago from NE Ohio

Allow me if you will to step in and esplain a few things, Lucy. First, when anybody fromn NASA talks about "pulling the moon," ignore him - that's just one of those crazy NASA guys, trying to talk dirty.

Second, possibly it's not Saturn that gets effed up but good from time to time - possibly it's Uranus. I'm just saying.

Nice hub.

L.T.


JBeadle profile image

JBeadle 6 years ago from Midwest Author

Thanks for the read and comments Ricky... erm, I mean LT!


tom hellert profile image

tom hellert 6 years ago from home

JB,

I have seen Saturn through a telescope but I have never seen nor looked fornor do I wish to see Uranus ...LOLOLOLOL

Sorry couldn't resist...

TH


JBeadle profile image

JBeadle 6 years ago from Midwest Author

Sort of childish there Tom!!!


Ben Zoltak profile image

Ben Zoltak 6 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA

Haha, loved it. I wonder now if the rings piled up some where near Edgerton? Hmmm.

Ben


Stan Fletcher profile image

Stan Fletcher 5 years ago from Nashville, TN

Dude - I'm a lazyass, sucky Hub reader. Most of the time, I'm yawning after the first paragraph. Maybe I'm an a-hole. But I gotta' tell you - this was hysterical, and I don't mean hysterical the way most people mean hysterical when they write a comment, which could be anything from mildly amusing to titter-inducing. This was the REAL hysterical. Loved it, loved it, loved it! I wanted to do a Uranus joke but someone beat me to it, although mine was funnier.


JBeadle profile image

JBeadle 5 years ago from Midwest Author

@Ben - thanks Ben and sorry it took me 2 months to respond!

@Stan - glad you liked it and I really appreciate the heartfelt compliment. Coming from someone who writes so many funny hubs, it means a lot.

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