Momma I so Love you

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I am not sure if anyone feels like I do...Guilt from not being what my parents wanted from me. I tried so hard and never seemed to be what they felt I should be...always on the deep end of approval ,always trying to get the love they seemed to have for others, not even family, just to be the richer, the best and the family hero.

Many years slipped by where we were not connected, where I was the eldest but not the best example, the one whom no one thought I was an example good enough for the younger ones.Being the eldest , my example was, as it seemed to my parents to be of no value.


Whoops... I am getting off the track I began. Being the first born and my younger siblings tried but were un-successful in caring for my dementing mother, I was told I was the eldest and she was my responsibility, which I gladly took on...


I must say it has been a journey. A learning experience and an eye opener to what life is really about. She is now on Hospice, and near death, I couldn't love her more, maybe more then I did before,which is why I am here writing this.


There are times when I feel like I can't take another day, but I think of how she must feel, how lonely it must be confined to a wheel chair, when she was so active and a great walker. When she so difficulty tries to tell me things,but her words are so muffled, when her tears make me so sad, when the smiles are so big and her eyes so sparkly blue.


She is 93 this year and still teaching me, making me feel wanted and loved, of some value...maybe it is just me I really can't say, cause I really have no idea. I just know my love for her has grown in these last 6 years and it makes me feel sad. Sad for the years we weren't in sink, we were always nice to each other, out of respect ,but this is a different feeling.


I really feel the love from within me, the love Mothers have for their children, the caring, the hopes , the dreams for a better life then they have had...and the hurt and pain they feel for their children, no matter what happens. If they could make every thing all right they would give their life's for their children,which I feel Mom's always do.


God is my mom's Savior, and mine also. I only wish for her the rest and peace and happiness she so deserves. It is in His hands and we all pay for our sins...one way or the other...


Momma I so Love you, I so wish you every happiness you so deserve and I just hope I can be half the woman you have been..I Love you with all my heart...your first born daughter. God rest your soul.

Comments 21 comments

Sky9106 profile image

Sky9106 4 years ago from A beautiful place on earth.

This is in my way of thinking a beautiful inner expression of the truth you feel .

And I am extremely happy that you wrote it .

Blessings to you and your family..


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 4 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

Sky9106...Nice to meet you and a big Thank you for your comment...I write here because I feel safe in expressing my feelings...and if what I have gone through and am going through helps others experiencing the same thing it makes me feel better...

God Bless and I shall go check out your hubs...:O) Hugs G-Ma


Sky9106 profile image

Sky9106 4 years ago from A beautiful place on earth.

Give Thanks and Praises every time. Love the great Mothers of this earth , I shall be following your expressions of help to others and love .

Thank you and Blessings to you.


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 4 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

The cycle of life...first we are entirely dependent, then we are very independent, and finally, we are once again, entirely dependent.

Your mother is lucky to have you.


Sky9106 profile image

Sky9106 4 years ago from A beautiful place on earth.

WillStarr such a nice comment . So true ! If you can take a look at my hub leaving home , might find similarities.

Blessings ..will check your hubs also.


Feline Prophet profile image

Feline Prophet 4 years ago from India

I think most of us probably feel we haven't lived up to our parents' expectations - but the great thing is that they probably love how we turned out anyway! :)


Candie V profile image

Candie V 4 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

I agree with FP.. however, when all is said and done, you have become her hero.. and mine! Love you dearly G-Ma!


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 4 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

Feline Prophet...You probably are more then right...It is more my head right now...harder then I thought it would be after watching her slipping away now for 6 years...I figured it had all been said and thought but some things just won't let go...Thanks for commenting...:O( Hugs G-Ma


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 4 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

Candie V ...Thanks my dear lady...just have never had to deal so closely with death before and it is extremely difficult...every day little things seem so huge right now. I guess I am mourning now so I can be strong when she finally heads HOME...:O( Hugs G-Ma


Candie V profile image

Candie V 4 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

I'm sure you are.. and you are storing up a thousand memories and letting go of regrets and hurts.. If I was in your place I'd be praying for just one more memory - just one more moment to tell her 'I love you!'.. You'll be as strong as you need to be.. and if it's not enough - lean on your friends.. that's what we're here for! xo!


SirDent 4 years ago

Big hugs for you G-Ma.


jfay2011 profile image

jfay2011 4 years ago

Beautiful hub. A mother's love is warm hot chocolate as you savor every SIP.


Pollyannalana profile image

Pollyannalana 4 years ago from US

I recognize your feelings and your mother has gone from being your mother to being your child in a sense and that is the pity and the heartbreak in it. We know they are pleading for help we can't give them. All we can give them is our love and we know somehow they know it. What people do without God I have no idea but I am so glad you have Him. He is really your only comfort and knowing you will see that mother one day soon again whole and as never before! All of us in a glorious reunion. I would love to meet you and your mother there. God bless you honey, may God give you joyful memories to see you through.

Polly


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 4 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

jfay2011 ..Thank you..I have been a bit slow here lately..God Bless you...:O) Hugs G-Ma


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 4 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

Pollyannalana...Thanks again and I couldn't agree more about how people can make it without God in their life.

We shall meet one day I am sure of it...God Be With You...:O) Hugs G-Ma


Peggy W profile image

Peggy W 4 years ago from Houston, Texas

Hi G-Ma,

You have probably felt every emotion in the book these last years since you have taken on the responsibility of care for your mother. While difficult at times I think that you will think it a blessing after she is in Heaven and you think back on those times. She took care of you when you were young and helpless and you returned the favor when she was older and needing help. That is how it should be but far too many people turn away and shirk that responsibility only thinking of themselves. You and your dear mother have been equally blessed and you will never regret what you have done for her. While my mother and mother-in-law only lived into their 80's (my dear mother dying just last year), my husband's grandma lived to her 90's and they all needed help at the end stages of their lives...and we were happy to have been there with them. Hugs, love and understanding.


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 4 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

Peggy W..Thank you and you are so right. It isn't I regret any of the time I have spent, it is I regret not realizing some things earlier in my life.

I am sure God has me where I am and she is for a very good reason, not always apparent though...we are both tough old ladies and will make it through...Again my prayers for you, as you must be a special lady also...:O) Hugs G-Ma


Dolores Monet profile image

Dolores Monet 4 years ago from East Coast, United States

Hi, G-Ma - isn't it funny how adversity can bring us closer, how, in serving, we can reconnect to loved ones. Why regret those things earlier, the lost time that you have found now. It looks, to me, as if God's reasons are apparent. What a remarkable women this has made you. Please make time to take care of yourself. Sometimes when you are needed like that, when you are no longer needed, you may feel a bit lost. Hugs to you, G-Ma.


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 4 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

Dolores Monet...Thank you but remarkable?? I question.

I believe God is trying to show me what "Remarkable" is...MY Mother...even in her state of health, she is an inspiration, but also a reminder of how I felt as a child and I have such mixed feelings, but I know I am where HE wants me...so I release in writing...

You are a dear wise lady and TY again for commenting and caring...Merry Christmas...:O) Hugs G-Ma


Dolores Monet profile image

Dolores Monet 4 years ago from East Coast, United States

Dear G-Ma - it is not about how we feel. If it was, then we'd all be in trouble, haha. It's about how we behave and what we do. Your continued devotion to your mother, despite how you may have felt in the past, is what's important.


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 4 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

Dolores Monet..Thank You...and I totally agree with your comment. I had a wonderful day with her today, another one I shall write about...God Bless and Merry christmas...:O) Hugs G-Ma

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