More Malaprop Movie Reviews...The Return of the Sequel, Part Two...
The busy of life has been keeping me from my self appointed job as the hubpages malaprop movie critic. I apologize profusely and profoundly, but I want you to know I put many, many, minutes of research into this hub. But, with no further I do, here are some more cinematic gems for your delight and delectation…
First off, a must see for all coffee lovers everywhere, a sweeping desert drama, Laurence Of Arabica. Peter O’Toole almost won an Oscar for this tale, based loosely on a version of D. H. Laurence’s actual life. Dee, as he was known to his friends, was an avid aficionado of the coffee bean, the rich, heady brew of the Arabica variety, being his favorite. He gets rather involved in Bedouin politics, but casting the potential for laundry disasters to the back of his mind, he rides on the back of a camel in long flowing white robes in search of a coffee bush. Stupid idea, there are no bushes of any kind in the dessert. He dies of dehydration, just two minutes away from a Starbucks.
I’m not a big fan of chick flicks, but Brian O’Neil and Amy MacGraw star in a tragic story of love and loss in, Glove Story. As in all such movies, they fall deeply in love, and there is a whole bunch of kissing and stuff, then one of them discovers that they have a fatal disease. This means no more touching, and they resort to longing glances and heavy sighs. Gloves mean never having to say sorry, and they wear gloves a lot, which is a wonderful example of safe sex in all the handholding scenes. The pair of empty gloves lying on the gravestone is cinematic symbolism at its best.
Next up, three movies based in my favorite city in the world, Paris.
The first, a classic by any measure, shows that love can conquer ugly. Featuring a screenplay by Victor Hugo, The Lunchbag of Notre Dame, is about a truly deformed bell-ringer called Semimodo. He lives with a bunch of gargoyles in the bell-tower of Notre Dame Cathedral. One day he forgets his lunch so he rings the local patisserie that sends his lunch with a really pretty girl. She is repulsed at first, but when he offers to share his pate and onion sandwich, she can no longer resist…
Food and France combine once more in the adult movie that shocked audiences, starring Marvin Brando and a girl with curly hair, namely the Last Mango in Paris. The use of different foodstuffs in this movie is legendary, coining the phrase “I can’t believe it’s not butter”, but it was the less famous scene in the le magazin de fruit, that led to curly haired girl saying, as she symbolically raised the ball of fleshy fruitiness, “You are a pain in the ass, I wouldn’t sleep with you if you were the last man in Paris, so go.”
Drama and passion are completely missing from the slapstick comedy that made Peter Sellout a household name, as we see in the third of our Parisian flicks, The Pink Panda. Inspector Clueless is a flic (French for cop) who bumbles his way to solving the crime of the world’s biggest diamond, called the pink panda. He drives everyone completely nuts by his wholesale slaughter of the French language. The minkey, the one without the license, steals the movie.
Strange movie, The Lizard of Oz, which is often shown at holidays so that you never can see all of it in one go, which is OK, as it really doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. A young girl called Shirley Temple falls asleep with her dog Don’tgo. Due to an adverse weather event they end up in the land of Oz, or as it is more correctly known, Australia. She wanders along a smelly brick road and finds three men. Being short on Sheilas in the outback, they decide to follow her in a strange dance-y sort of a way. One of the guys is a real coward, one of them is dumber than a post and one of them is completely heartless. All of them are winos. Anyway they skip along the road making fun of short people, and find the lizard of the title, hiding behind a screen, in this fancy pub. Turns out, the whole thing is a nightmare. Watch out for the flying monkeys.
Marilyn Manson stars in a morality tale set in a hot and humid New York apartment, called, The Seven Year Itch. A lonely guy, a girl with a spectacular body, and minimal clothing. You can guess the outcome. Turns out they shared more than kisses and sweat. The “love-nits” causing the painful condition of the title…
With an All Marilyn weekend on cable, I also caught, Gentlemen Refer Blondes
A bit of a theme going on here, a little more Marilyn, a little more naughtiness, and yes the gentleman got her number from a friend. I believe he was standing at a Bus Stop.
And finally, a movie to avoid at all costs. Actually, six movies...Georgi Lucas, not quite as well known as his namesake, jumped on the bandwagon with a movie trilogy that, frankly, should not have seen the light of day as a short. After the first three Sitar Wars, he went back, as an “homage”, and made three prequels that explained how the Sitar became an instrument of torture. George Harrison makes a brief cameo appearance, as does Unraveled Shankar. The combined seventeen hours of, so-called music, produces no clear winner, but the highlight is towards the end of the second prequel when Charlie Daniels stumbles into the fray. The violin is a sweet, sweet, relief, trust me.
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