More Malaprop Movie Reviews...The Return of the Sequel, Part Two...

Movies that, well, move you...
Movies that, well, move you...
Oh, those elusive beans...
Oh, those elusive beans...
Glove at first sight....
Glove at first sight....
THE lunchbag of Notre Dame...
THE lunchbag of Notre Dame...
The last, next to last and the other Mangoes in Paris
The last, next to last and the other Mangoes in Paris
She eez zo preddy, yes?
She eez zo preddy, yes?
From Australia, of course...
From Australia, of course...
Itchy? You bet...
Itchy? You bet...
Intergalactic weapon of choice...
Intergalactic weapon of choice...

The busy of life has been keeping me from my self appointed job as the hubpages malaprop movie critic. I apologize profusely and profoundly, but I want you to know I put many, many, minutes of research into this hub. But, with no further I do, here are some more cinematic gems for your delight and delectation…

First off, a must see for all coffee lovers everywhere, a sweeping desert drama, Laurence Of Arabica. Peter O’Toole almost won an Oscar for this tale, based loosely on a version of D. H. Laurence’s actual life. Dee, as he was known to his friends, was an avid aficionado of the coffee bean, the rich, heady brew of the Arabica variety, being his favorite. He gets rather involved in Bedouin politics, but casting the potential for laundry disasters to the back of his mind, he rides on the back of a camel in long flowing white robes in search of a coffee bush. Stupid idea, there are no bushes of any kind in the dessert. He dies of dehydration, just two minutes away from a Starbucks.

I’m not a big fan of chick flicks, but Brian O’Neil and Amy MacGraw star in a tragic story of love and loss in, Glove Story. As in all such movies, they fall deeply in love, and there is a whole bunch of kissing and stuff, then one of them discovers that they have a fatal disease. This means no more touching, and they resort to longing glances and heavy sighs. Gloves mean never having to say sorry, and they wear gloves a lot, which is a wonderful example of safe sex in all the handholding scenes. The pair of empty gloves lying on the gravestone is cinematic symbolism at its best.

Next up, three movies based in my favorite city in the world, Paris.

The first, a classic by any measure, shows that love can conquer ugly. Featuring a screenplay by Victor Hugo, The Lunchbag of Notre Dame, is about a truly deformed bell-ringer called Semimodo. He lives with a bunch of gargoyles in the bell-tower of Notre Dame Cathedral. One day he forgets his lunch so he rings the local patisserie that sends his lunch with a really pretty girl. She is repulsed at first, but when he offers to share his pate and onion sandwich, she can no longer resist…

Food and France combine once more in the adult movie that shocked audiences, starring Marvin Brando and a girl with curly hair, namely the Last Mango in Paris. The use of different foodstuffs in this movie is legendary, coining the phrase “I can’t believe it’s not butter”, but it was the less famous scene in the le magazin de fruit, that led to curly haired girl saying, as she symbolically raised the ball of fleshy fruitiness, “You are a pain in the ass, I wouldn’t sleep with you if you were the last man in Paris, so go.”

Drama and passion are completely missing from the slapstick comedy that made Peter Sellout a household name, as we see in the third of our Parisian flicks, The Pink Panda. Inspector Clueless is a flic (French for cop) who bumbles his way to solving the crime of the world’s biggest diamond, called the pink panda. He drives everyone completely nuts by his wholesale slaughter of the French language. The minkey, the one without the license, steals the movie.

Strange movie, The Lizard of Oz, which is often shown at holidays so that you never can see all of it in one go, which is OK, as it really doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. A young girl called Shirley Temple falls asleep with her dog Don’tgo. Due to an adverse weather event they end up in the land of Oz, or as it is more correctly known, Australia. She wanders along a smelly brick road and finds three men. Being short on Sheilas in the outback, they decide to follow her in a strange dance-y sort of a way. One of the guys is a real coward, one of them is dumber than a post and one of them is completely heartless. All of them are winos. Anyway they skip along the road making fun of short people, and find the lizard of the title, hiding behind a screen, in this fancy pub. Turns out, the whole thing is a nightmare. Watch out for the flying monkeys.

Marilyn Manson stars in a morality tale set in a hot and humid New York apartment, called, The Seven Year Itch. A lonely guy, a girl with a spectacular body, and minimal clothing. You can guess the outcome. Turns out they shared more than kisses and sweat. The “love-nits” causing the painful condition of the title…

With an All Marilyn weekend on cable, I also caught, Gentlemen Refer Blondes

A bit of a theme going on here, a little more Marilyn, a little more naughtiness, and yes the gentleman got her number from a friend. I believe he was standing at a Bus Stop.

And finally, a movie to avoid at all costs. Actually, six movies...Georgi Lucas, not quite as well known as his namesake, jumped on the bandwagon with a movie trilogy that, frankly, should not have seen the light of day as a short. After the first three Sitar Wars, he went back, as an “homage”, and made three prequels that explained how the Sitar became an instrument of torture. George Harrison makes a brief cameo appearance, as does Unraveled Shankar. The combined seventeen hours of, so-called music, produces no clear winner, but the highlight is towards the end of the second prequel when Charlie Daniels stumbles into the fray. The violin is a sweet, sweet, relief, trust me.

Dear Hub Reader


If you enjoy this hub, please check out my book,

Homo Domesticus; A Life Interrupted By Housework,

A collection of my best writings woven into a narrative on a very strange year in my life.

Available directly from:

http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/homo-domesticus/12217500

Chris


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Comments 12 comments

Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

I wondered where you have been and now I know. Watching dumb movies. I've been trying to write, read 2 books, and watch the 5 year series called Dexter in my spare time. So far, the serial killer is winning the race. I'm on season 4 now. Holy cow, can't wait to see if Jonathan Lithgow ever gets caught, but I know he will because he just shot Dexter's sister and Dexter has some special saran wrap just itching for a naked victim.

I'm a sick one!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

YOU!! It's a treat to just have you back in the world of living Hubbers. Your absence creates a stark void!

And with what a delightful romp all over the silver screen! I confess that, for the first few lines, I naively thought I was reading a serious movie review. I thought I'd seen Laurence of Arabia and failed for a few seconds to notice the twist on the title, till the absurdity grasped my overheated brain. As my summer plan dictates, early is when to do hot work so I've been out in this Texas heat , mid-80s being the lowest of the 24-hours - watering the parched yard and doing warm upstairs work on my ghastly so-called "office" - till sweat began to blind my eyes. Now I'm cooling off in the den where the A/C is doing well.

OHMYGOSH! Where, oh where do you come up with such splendid humor? I loved it and laughed at it all the way through to Star Wars. hahahahahahahahaha! WELCOME BACK! Please don't do that often!!


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Austinstar,

Tough job right? I think TV reviews are next, Lawn Order, 24 Buars, all just waiting to get skewered (bring your own cling film...)

C


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Nellieanna,

My enforced absence due to a full time focus on a job hunt yielded exactly nothing. 26 cents on Adsense makes more sense...

Oh well. Glad to be back. Missed Wienergate of course, but that all kind of wrote itself.

Sorry to hear you are baking out there in the Lone Star. California coast has June gloom, clouds that soften the morning with fog and drizzle, but by afternoon, everything is in its full glory, and blissfully, not too hot.

The finger is ready to go once once again!

C


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

True, but I also have a full time job at a busy hospital laboratory. Maybe I should do Tales of a Mad Lab Scientist!


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Austinstar,

I love mad libs!!! You know you put in a verb or a noun or an adjective and read it back and it is so dang funny. Didn't know they needed scientists though...


attemptedhumour profile image

attemptedhumour 5 years ago from Australia

Hi Chris, glad to have you back and on form in the movie butchering business. Got to dash, but i shall return.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

atthum,

I had the "opportunity" to lay some bricks last week - I should have videoed it and sold it as a "how NOT to" example - pitiful. You would not have laughed, you would have felt shame!

C


Angie Jardine profile image

Angie Jardine 5 years ago from Cornwall, land of the eternally youthful mind ...

Great hub, Chris ... they're obvious really ... so how come the rest of us can't see the humour until you show us it??? Voted everything up etc.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Thanks Angie,

Kind of the way my mind works (pity my poor wife!)

C


attemptedhumour profile image

attemptedhumour 5 years ago from Australia

It's a bit harder laying bricks than it looks, isn't it. Teaching a class full of kids would be testing too and you would have your head around the door lapping my ineptness up. Bricks are challenging but they stay where you put them, don't answer back and never get big enough for revenge. Teaching? No thank you!


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Keith,

I am pretty sure my body was designed as a luxury vehicle, not a delivery van, because I ache in places I didn't even know were places! End result is a beautiful garden feature with waterfalls ponds etc, so random came out in my favor. Monday's househusbad blog explains it all...

Happy Father's Day,

C

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