The Morning Conversations of Barack & Michelle Obama #21

June 22, 2011 - Of Winners and Losers

A fictional (and satirical) account of the private morning conversations of Barack & Michelle Obama by Dexter Yarbrough. Number 21 in the series.

Conversation via secured phone line - Michelle in Johannesburg, South Africa. Barack in Oval Office.

Barack: Michelle? Are you on the line?

Michelle: Hi! Yes, I am here!

Barack: How are you and the girls?

Michelle: We are doing well. South Africa is beautiful! How are you?

Barack: Doing well and yes, I am behaving myself.

Michelle: Great! You read my mind. President Mandela says hello and looks forward to visiting with you.

Barack: Let Madiba know that I will call him soon! I have great news, Michelle! I think I have this election sewn up. I know I was feeling down a few weeks ago, but we have it!

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Click to Enlarge

Michelle: Oh, Lord! OK, I am listening.

Barack: Well, my advisers and a university professor have come up with some figures and educated thoughts. The Republicans can't win!

Michelle: Get on with it, Barack! I have some sightseeing to do today!

Barack: OK. But first, I was reading today that Michele Bachmann told The Republican Leadership Conference last week that I failed the black community. Can you believe that? What a loser!

Michelle: I doubt Bachmann even knows more than 5 black people! How absurd. When was the last time she went into a black or Latino community and tried to help someone? Never!

Barack: Yeah, I know! But this is the thing - the American people are ignorant about economics. This is why I should be defeated, but won't!

Michelle: I don't follow you.

Barack: It's simple math. Black's will vote for me blindly. It doesn't matter what I do. I am one of them.

Michelle: OK.

Barack: College educated women will vote for me. They love how I talk and love how I look! Ha ha ha!

Michelle: Yeah, just don't you go Tweeting your wiener to those college girls!

Barack: C'mon, Michelle. Anyway, the liberals and the Democrats will vote for me because I am their hope and will carry them to victory nationwide!

Michelle: Hmmm. Continue.

Barack: As long as I am seen as the path to citizenship for illegal immigrants, Latinos - they will vote for me.

Michelle: Congressman Luis Gutierrez said he was going to try and get them to withhold their votes because of the record number of deportations. He says you have failed on immigration.

Barack: The Republicans say I am not doing enough and Luis says we are deporting too much! Damn! I will talk to Luis - maybe give him a perk or two. He will come around. Plus, Latino leaders carry political weight in our party. They aren't going to give that up.

Michelle: Go on.

Barack: The Republicans have pissed off union members all over the nation with their elitist attitudes against working people. I am the union members' key to money and power in business as well as state and local politics.

Michelle: Really?

Barack: Yes. As for business, I have almost a billion dollars in my campaign war chest. As long as I give them access to taxpayer money, they will support my social and political agenda. More campaign dollars are coming in everyday!

Michelle: I would agree on that.

Barack: Yes. And you know the media loves me! To not love me would be racist!

Michelle: I don't know about playing the race card.

Barack: I'm not! It's that liberal media guilt. Plus, the media wants to play up the Republicans like they have a chance to win because it means millions of dollars in advertising money for them!

Michelle: I see your point.

Barack: And you know that the Jews, Muslims, American Indians and most homosexuals will vote for me, simply because they just won't vote Republican.

Michelle: How do you know this, Barack?

Barack: People won't say it but many white Christians really don't like Jews. They talk that 'support Israel' stuff. But let a Jew move next door to them! Hate crimes against Jews by white Christians is way up. Do I need to say anything about the Muslims? Republicans talk that crap about the Constitution, but conveniently forget about freedom of religion. Also, they talk about the founding fathers creating America as a Christian nation, but fail to acknowledge that most of them were deists and hated religion. Just read the words of Franklin, Jefferson and Washington.

Michelle: Powerful observation! Go on.

Barack: As for the American Indians, all one has to do is evoke the image of Reagan in a cowboy hat and John Wayne on a horse - enough to drive them to get a Democratic ticket.

Michelle: And homosexuals?

Barack: Well, as soon as the Conservative Christian Right pull out their bibles and start quoting scriptures about how they are right and homosexuality is wrong - enough said!

Michelle: I only have a few more minutes, Barack.

Barack: Alright. And half of independent voters will vote for me, just because! Also, just think, one half of all adults pay no taxes and most of them receive money from the government. They are not going to do anything to stop the flow of taxpayer money to themselves! I can't lose!!

Michelle: Well, your advisers think you are a winner, huh?

Barack: Yep!

Michelle: I am going to visit on the phone for a few more minutes and share with you some sayings of Leroy.

Barack: Leroy?!

Michelle: Yeah, you know Leroy. From da' hood. He's a winner. Leroy is disillusioned by the way government is running. He has a message for you, so...

Barack: (sarcastically) Here we go.

Michelle: he decided to put some words into sentences for you.

SELDOM - The government sent me two free cellphones, so I SELDOM.

DISAPPOINTMENT - The welfare lady tol' me if I miss DISAPPOINTMENT, they gon' cut off my check.

INCOME - Damn! My hoe jus' got in bed wit da Senator and INCOME his wife.

DIMENSION - Man, food prices is high, my cousin Tequanda is high and not DIMENSION high ass gas prices!

DECIDE - I like my fried chicken, collard greens and corn bread on the same plate - but I like to have my watermelon on DECIDE.

MOBILE - I tol' the Congressman I was short on payin' him for gettin' my girl a gubberment job. Still, he said "give me one MOBILE."

ISRAEL - The judge tol' me I had to pay $100 a month in chile support. I said " dude, you must be fakin'." He said, mockin' me, "No, ISRAEL."

UNDERMINE - I got a Section 8 voucher for an apartment. Man, there is a fine lookin' sista' UNDERMINE!

Barack: (laughing hysterically) If Leroy were real, he would be a loser! Ha ha ha! Michelle, this is funny but what is "Leroy's" point?

Michelle: Leroy says, "SELDOM has he had such DISAPPOINTMENT in this DIMENSION. If you DECIDE to continue to UNDERMINE his INCOME he will get MOBILE and head off to ISRAEL."

Barack: But Michelle, there is no real thought behind his statements. It's just silly! I mean...it really sounds dumb!

Michelle: Yep. (hangs up the phone) Girls! Let's go!

Stay Tuned for More 'Morning Conversations...' with Barack & Michelle Obama, next time! - Dexter Yarbrough

Copyright 2011.

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Comments 37 comments

dahoglund profile image

dahoglund 5 years ago from Wisconsin Rapids

How much hope and change can we take?


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 5 years ago from Jamaica

Hi Dexter, how do you come up with these conversations of yours? Do you actually get any work done at all?

Another good laugh, you just crack me up?


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

Excellent, and I loved Leroy's word usage! :-)

Up, funny, and awesome!


Motown2Chitown 5 years ago

My word - this may be the funniest one I've seen yet, Dexter! You need to be writing for Conan O'Brian. :-)


Eileen Serapio profile image

Eileen Serapio 5 years ago from Manila, PH

i read the entire thing and thought, "Hey. My boss is going to love this. Definitely." ^_^


Dexter Yarbrough profile image

Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States Author

Hi Dahoglund! Thanks for checking this out. You ask a very good question. I would say probably not too much.


Dexter Yarbrough profile image

Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States Author

Hi Cardisa! Actually, I don't come up with them. I don't ever plan to write them. A thought comes to mind and I sit down and write the conversations out. I amaze myself! Trust me, I find time to get all my work done!

I am glad you liked it!


Dexter Yarbrough profile image

Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States Author

Hi Will! Leroy is da man! Thanks for your support, Will!


Dexter Yarbrough profile image

Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States Author

Hi, Mo! Compliments just make me blush!!! And I love blushing! Thanks so much for your kindness and support!


Dexter Yarbrough profile image

Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States Author

Hi Eileen! Thanks for checking out my series. I hope you come back and check out the others. I really hope your boss likes it as well. Thanks so much.


Eileen Serapio profile image

Eileen Serapio 5 years ago from Manila, PH

i will check all the other ones Dexter. ^_^

and i'm gonna email the links of your hubs to my boss. hihi he'll love them. i'm sure. :)


Dexter Yarbrough profile image

Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States Author

Great! Thank you, Eileen!


Reynold Jay profile image

Reynold Jay 5 years ago from Saginaw, Michigan

Yep--You had me laughing with this one. RJ


Dexter Yarbrough profile image

Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States Author

Thanks, Mr. Jay! Glad it made you laugh!


Sueswan 5 years ago

"Yeah, just don't you go Tweeting your wiener to those college girls!"

Thanks for making me laugh Dexter.


Dexter Yarbrough profile image

Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States Author

Hi Sueswan! I am glad you enjoyed it. Thank you!


Sunnie Day 5 years ago

Very funny Dexter..I am thinking that Michelle may need to run for next election..what do you think? Great one Dexter..Thank you.

Sunnie


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 5 years ago

First I cried, because Obama seems to have a lot of support. Then I laughed because Leroy took the edge off my depression. Up and funny and awesome too!


Dexter Yarbrough profile image

Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States Author

Good morning, Sunnie! Glad you enjoyed it. Michelle says that she hates politics and can't wait for all this to be over! Thank YOU!


Dexter Yarbrough profile image

Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States Author

Hi Pop! Leroy has a very unique view of the world. Michelle relies on him for advice quite often! Thanks, Pop!


Faithful Daughter profile image

Faithful Daughter 5 years ago from Sunny Florida

Just what I needed this morning after having car trouble. Now I know where to come for a quick pick-me-up. Thanks for the laughs Dexter.


Dexter Yarbrough profile image

Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States Author

Sorry about your car trouble, Faithful Daughter. But I am glad you enjoyed the laughs! Thank YOU!


Jo_Goldsmith11 profile image

Jo_Goldsmith11 5 years ago

You are so funny! I laughed my ask off! You are too much! LOL You have touched on some really good stuff here. I wonder if the President really had or could have this conversation with Michelle. Right on! :-) You rock!


Dexter Yarbrough profile image

Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States Author

Hi Jo! Thanks! I have a sneaky suspicion that conversations such as these happen often! :-) Glad you liked it!


iZeko profile image

iZeko 5 years ago

Funny as usual!!! You know, Dexter, now every time I see M and B on TV, I imagine M with her hands on her hips and swiveling her head with attitude ;-)))


Dexter Yarbrough profile image

Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States Author

iZeko! Thank you! I get that image of them also! Ha ha ha!!!


PK2010 profile image

PK2010 5 years ago from United Kingdom

Dex! This is my favourite one yet!!!! Hilarious! You had me in stiches! I just love the way OB's character blows his trumpet, only for MO to burst his bubble with the harsh realties! Great hub!

Enroute to work, thanks for giving me a great start to my day :-D


Dexter Yarbrough profile image

Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States Author

Hi Anthea! I am so happy you enjoyed it! MO is something else, I'll tell you. Have a great day at work and THANK YOU!


epigramman profile image

epigramman 5 years ago

...one of my favorite hub series of all time - it really dosen't get any better than this - I am so very proud of you Sir Dexter - and your support of me always brings me pride and joy .....


Dexter Yarbrough profile image

Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States Author

Epi! It is indeed an honor to have you grace my hubpages with your presence. Thanks for your kind words. And you know, it is quite easy to support the master of the written word!


Lady_E profile image

Lady_E 5 years ago from London, UK

Oh... this is Brilliant. Are you sure you are not writing this from one private Island in South Africa?

It's really cool, particularly because at this very point that I am reading, Michelle Obama is still in South Africa. :)


Dexter Yarbrough profile image

Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States Author

Hi Lady E! Thank you! I am actually the proverbial fly on the wall! And South Africa is beautiful! :-)


marcoujor profile image

marcoujor 5 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

Dexter,

I love your ever-changing avatars! This series is also growing on me, as is your witty style!

I am rating UP & FA-- have a good weekend, mar.


Ghost32 5 years ago

Glad to see Barack is missing Michelle's (and Leroy's) point. The more confident he be, the better for We.

The People.

Thing is, I suspect he may very well believe he's invulnerable, very much as you paint the picture.

Remember in November 2012.


Dexter Yarbrough profile image

Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States Author

Hi Ghost! Thanks for checking this one out. The Prez is feeling good but the First lady is not so sure. We shall see!


Becky 5 years ago

This is very funny. I really don't know how much longer we can put up with him.


Dexter Yarbrough profile image

Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States Author

Hi Becky! We all have some decisions to make in 2012. We just have to make the right ones. Thanks!

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